8 Chill Tips For When You Get Turned Down By A Straight Girl

“When you know better, you do better” is maybe life’s most laughable platitude. Has anyone ever even pretended to take that to heart? There’s a reason that even the most discerning of society – moms – have homes littered with pillows and hand towels that say “I’m a hybrid – I’m fueled by chocolate and wine!” and “I can’t calm down – I’m out of wine!” and it’s because life is full of regret.

Knowing better and doing better is a U-turn opening, and then there’s us smiling in our car, driving directly and proudly into the median. Not me personally, just people I know. I make perfect decisions. But this might ring especially true for people of a certain orientation who spend time and energy on women of another orientation. That is one hypothetical for, again, you and not me.

Rejection is hard enough without the dramatic unfurling of an “oh honey” banner in the background, so I can’t imagine this an easy journey. What’s worse is that cultural visual cues have crossed the party line, and so this goof seems doomed to repeat itself. Here are some tips to keep in mind the next time it happens.

Immediately ask another question

It should look something like this:

“Hey, we should go out sometime.”

“Oh… That’s really flattering. I’m actually straight.”

“Have you ever been to the Empire State building?”

Just like that. Imagine. How unsettling! Maybe you do this with everyone you meet because you are some sort of statistics wizard, data-collecting and odds-testing every one of your daily interactions. She’ll leave the conversation thinking she’s met someone who 1) asks out every person they meet and 2) has possibly been conducting a life long survey. What a strange person you are, she might think with a sip from her martini, but notice what you aren’t: one to be pitied.

Just do anything else

Commitedly, which is not a word, but I need you to consider it and then embody it fully. This was simply an inconsequential meeting in the middle of your busy schedule. If the only thing that’s around you is a Sunglass Hut, go inside of it with the efficiency of a dad on a Saturday. Ah, yes, the new sunglasses you’ve been needing. Time to try on exactly one pair and feel satisfied that they meet your only requirement: that they rest on the tops of your ears without then sliding down the rest of your face.

Set aside an appropriate grieving period

Three, eight months? Whatever feels right to you.

Talk to a trusted friend

Don’t assume this is something that needs to be kept to yourself. Reach out. Remember your chosen family. If the friend you first contact doesn’t laugh at you, go to another friend. Do this until you find a friend who laughs at you.

Process

Is this like the time you woke up from a dream where you were Rihanna’s girlfriend only to realize you weren’t Rihanna’s girlfriend and then were deeply affected for the rest of the day? What’s going on in your life, babe? Oh, anyone can have a podcast or be a DJ and so why can’t you ask out this clearly straight woman? Get it together, you messy bitch!

Order something off Anthropologie

As penance.

Reframe the rejection

And by reframe it, I mean rewrite it. Recently a friend took her child to get a haircut and the experience was so tantrum-riddled that it ended in her child throwing up in her hand while they sat together in the barber’s chair. On the ride home she decided to record herself asking him how it went. “Jack, how did the haircut go?” to which he responded with ease, “Very, very well.” And why not? This is a gorgeous move universally available.

Find an ocean

Lie on your back and let the current take you past the break. Float until you hear colors.


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Writer by way of GA/PDX/MPLS/NASHVILLE. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 154 articles for us.

60 Comments

  1. Did you guys just create the “Fake News” tag, or have I really been this oblivious for … 7 years?

    Either way, keep it up. I expect DJT to be decrying the “fake news site Autostraddle” on Twitter by the end of the year. Make me proud.

  2. Look sympathetic and say “Oh, you’re straight? That’s so brave. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I know this other straight person though, do you want me to introduce you? You should totally meet, you would have so much to talk about!”

  3. See I’m so scared of asking out straight girls that I pretty much only date people I meet on dating apps…my gaydar (unless you’re an A-camp type) is pretty bad.

    Once I had a crush on this woman I only kind of worked with who was giving off a vibe, and then I went to SF for pride, and when I got back she was like “you were in the city? I was in the city too!” and I was like b-i-n-g-

    And then she said “were you seeing Joel Osteen too?”

    And I was like “ohhhh.”

  4. This situation is a tough call. I habitually fall for straight women, but, are they really so straight I wonder. I used to cry and cry and make myself miserable with the rejection. But not anymore, it seems I’ve changed !
    I’m currently in a relationship with a straight woman. The interpretation she’s making of it is that we’re like teenage friends, because she sees the parallel with her daughter who texts non-stop to her best buddies and misses them terribly when they’re not around. Of course I had to talk myself down from the ledge a bit, but I find that I’m not trying to lead us in a certain direction, i.e., the bedroom. Yes I’ve thought about telling her how I feel but my Tarot advised against it and Tarot knows best. Both of us have found a space where we’re on the same wavelength it seems, and relish each other’s company on that level. I find that I fully enjoy the times we’re together, as long as I don’t aspire to a particular outcome. And really, we’re so clearly dating, but by the standards of a previous century perhaps. I find it kick-ass joyful to give a straight gal all the room she wants to flirt with me, it’s just soooo flattering. But as always, YMMV…

  5. Ok sure but what do you do when the Sunglass Hut has just closed and you start to bounce off that weird gate while trying to march inside and you start to fall down but your belt gets stuck in the gate so you don’t really fall but you also can’t leave and she’s just staring at you with this mixture of pity and horrified amusement and then the security guard comes and is all like “ma’am the mall is closed” and, and, and…

    …Again, just​ asking for a friend 😕

  6. I’m afraid these tips are all flawed because they are predicated on a fallacy.

    Women can’t actually hit on other women. You just have to radiate longing at each other from a safe distance and if you are fortunate then sex happens. Or not.

    Sorry, these are just the rules.

  7. For *that* straight girl at work I’m just gonna skip all that asking out and getting rejected and making things at work awkward when you still gotta work with each other, and jump straight into the ice cream crying too much wine part. And.

    Find an ocean, sounds like a plan.

  8. “Maybe you do this with everyone you meet because you are some sort of statistics wizard, data-collecting and odds-testing every one of your daily interactions.”

    I LOST IT at “odds-testing.” Too funny. Literally every one of your articles is 10/10.

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