Hook-ups come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes hookups are so physically compatible and unashamed that you have to take a moment to make another offering to your own sex-deity altar. Occasionally, they’re awkward and hurried, and it’s a miracle that you remember how to navigate more than your own limbs. And in other far rarer connections, the mood is set to the exact pitch of making you both want to cry, unpack your collective trauma, nourish each other with a deep, imprinting hug, and part with a therapy pact more devastatingly sincere than some of your recent climaxes.
Variations aside, all enthusiastically consensual hook-ups and hook-up-related emotional experiences are valid, and this article is here for you. It’s also here for the distinct possibility that you brought someone home, and they had the intention of setting a 10-minute reminder to get up and get out of your hair (but my God it’s been a long week, and you didn’t remember you sleepily agreed to let them stay over until you wake up the next morning. And in your lack of preparation, you’re scrambling to come up with something to offer for breakfast.
If you, like me, have incredibly niche neuroses and intensive caretaker concerns that include providing your hook-up a breakfast to remember (or at least sustain themselves), these five quick, low-maintenance, dietary-specification-inclusive recipes are for you. And if my neuroses don’t apply to you, or if no one wants to stay for breakfast (fair, fair, but their loss) here are five recipes for yourself, to balance those nutrients and make for a brighter day. You deserve it.
Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana Toast
A classic haven’t-hit-the-grocery-store combo, this simple dish can also be for the incredibly athletic hookup whom you lied to and said yeah, you’re really looking to establish a lifting routine, you just haven’t found the right queer-friendly gym yet and maybe could they give you a few tips? And by tips you ultimately meant “please just bench press me into the mattress” (which they did, or at least you think they did because you’re not actually up on the whole gym lingo).
1 slice of bread (I recommend anything but the end pieces you’ve been avoiding)
1 tsp coconut oil
3 big spoonfuls of peanut butter
1 banana ripe enough to slice, but not too ripe that it’s intended for banana bread you will perhaps sometime in your life attempt
Fire up that stovetop, lightly coat a pan in coconut oil, and fry up a piece of toast on one side. Then artfully arrange your peanut butter, sliced banana, a drizzle of honey if they’re feeling indulgent, and a generously applied handful of chia seeds which you know don’t actually do anything, but sure say “hey, I care about your health and mine, and maybe these will help us live longer if the anthropocene doesn’t end first and the world turns back to its own wild creation!”
Alternatively, they may already have protein powder and are going to make themselves (and you) a shake. You’re in the clear! And you have a potential gym buddy, which you’re definitely going to take full advantage of!
Tofu (I’m not telling you to) Scram (take all the time you need!)
This delicious stir fry is for the conscientious vegan who understands that her cat does indeed need to eat meat, so she’s not upset by the fact that there is leftover shrimp shiu mai in your fridge, but you still have to reckon with your carbon footprint and the increased death of the Earth at 9 in the morning. Is there a slightly apocalyptic theme in the air? Perhaps. Isn’t that why we’re all doing this in the first place?
The block of firm silken tofu you bought when considering a brief stint in vegetarianism
1 tbsp olive oil
½ cup cooked black beans
That other half of an onion! Finally!
2 cloves minced garlic (or garlic salt)
1 chopped red pepper
½ cup mushrooms
1 tsp chili powder
As much cracked black pepper and salt as you prefer
1 tsp cumin, or tumeric, or whatever savory seasoning you have on hand
Avocado. I’m not expecting you to have an avocado on any old day of the week. That stuff is special.
The only things on this ingredient list that aren’t optional are the tofu, the onion, the black beans, and enough seasoning so the tofu doesn’t just taste like a changeable slab of nothingness. Throw in whatever breakfasty vegetables that you’re finally going to have a reason to use, and not lose to limpness in the bottom drawer!
Combine your spices in a separate bowl, then heat your trusty skillet over a medium-high flame and coat with the olive oil. When it looks like it would cause serious damage if you touched it, add the pepper, garlic, onion, mushrooms, and garlic, and sauté for about 5 minutes. Then add the tofu block, and break it apart in the pan so you get that “oh my god! This is almost scrambled eggs! I really could go vegan! Maybe we have a future!” texture. Stir in the spices and black beans, cook until everything is juuuuuust browning, and serve. If you have avocados and tortillas, start prepping for your plant-based wedding. Just please include this recipe in your vows.
Polyam Pumpkin Pancakes
You’re excited to recount this lovely bi+ experience to anyone who will listen to you later on, but for now oh god, they’re both gluten-free. Sure, he may be just a little gluten sensitive, but for her gluten is a BIG CELIAC PROBLEM and you don’t want to end up in that terrible trope of evil bisexuals who kill/maim/hurt the people they sleep with, so you’re about to break out the big guns. And by big guns we mean seasonal baking mixes!
1 Pumpkin Pancake Mix (I recommend Trader Joe’s, but you may be out of luck because I have just bought the store out)
2 tbsp unsalted melted butter
¾ cup milk
Follow the directions on the box – I am not going to purport to know how to make pancakes better than the unsung saviors who write those directions and make delicious little illustrated puns about breakfast. But the basic structure looks like this: preheat your flexibly functioning skillet/griddle/pan, and use a measuring cup to dole out portions of un-lumpy batter. Relish in the fact that no one is going to make biphobic jokes about spatulas, and flip those smooth and crispy circles of delight over when they bubble!
Spread on whatever topping most suits your fancy, and perhaps put on a kettle as you breathe in the crisp morning air from your window and pontificate why monogamy is never called “ethical” before politely haggling over who should use the bathroom first.
Secular as Heckular Challah Bread French Toast
This kosher and dairy-free Saturday morning treat is perfect for the awesome Jewish gal who your grandmother unwittingly set you up with because she’d like you to find more community and though her best friend’s great-niece might want to take you Israeli folk dancing at the local synagogue on Shabbat. Depending on your grandmother, perhaps just let her know that you did, indeed, enjoy the time spent in community and it’ll earn you a free year of her not questioning your faith.
Day-old challah swiped from the synagogue’s Shabbat dinner
½ tsp Cinnamon
½ tsp vanilla extract
Pinch of nutmeg
2 tbsp unsalted butter
½ cup Dairy-free milk of your choice
Strawberry preserves packets (also swiped from the synagogue’s Shabbat dinner)
This is a decadent dish, sure, but you both know you can count on the Jewish guilt to surface at the same time, so you’re in fantastic company. In the blessed interval of total enjoyment, combine the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla, ‘milk,’ and nutmeg in a bowl large enough to then dip slices of challah until they’re covered on both sides. Melt the butter in your same trusty pre-heated (it makes a difference, folks!) skillet, then cook two slices at a time until each side is golden brown.
Oh, No, I’m Catching Feelings and There’s Nothing in My Fridge to Express The Deep Emotional Journey On Which We’re Going to Embark
Surprise, you two are going to fall madly, deeply in love, and when you woke up she looks so goddamn beautiful in the crosshatches of weak morning light that you stay in bed staring at each other until noon, and you consider writing poetry for an ephemeral instant.
Find a brunch place nearby. Wander in holding hands, and only let go to pick up a fork for whatever opulent treat you’re too happy to really pay attention to. Treat yourselves. There will be time for many more breakfasts.