4 Autostraddle Writers Play a Non-Lethal Version of “Squid Game” — Kind Of

I confess I don’t actually know what Squid Game is despite the fact that Squid Game is EVERYWHERE right now. All I know is it’s bloody and that’s enough reason for me to stay away because I am a giant baby. However, my ignorance (innocence?) on the subject did not prevent me from asking our writers to participate in a Squid Game that I made up based on what I know about Squid Game from only Twitter with the promise that none of them would die from it. Here are your brave contestants! And YOU can be the judge about who wins!


Okay, let’s go! First question! Which of these is an actual squid?

A goldfish, a shrimp, an octopus, and a squid

Sally: I thought my squid recognition skills were good. But I am doubting myself a lot when confronted with this.

Shelli Nicole: Number 3! I only know cos of Disney. Zero thanks to the Detroit public school system.

Abeni: I think it’s the last one, 4. I think number 3 octopus and not a squid for some reason, Shelli — but why do I think this???

Kayla Kumari: 4!

Sally: I think it’s 3. I thought it was an octopus at first, but it doesn’t look like it has enough legs but also none of them look like they have pointy pope hat heads. Pointy pope hat heads I think are essential for squids.

Kayla Kumari: Dang I was so confident. And now I’m not sure!

Heather: Kayla and Abeni are right! It’s number four! Number three is an octopus!

Abeni: Got ’em!

Sally: Where are all of #3’s legs?!

Abeni: They’re hiding sally bc octopi are tricksy.

Sally: I think it’s just being really demure.

Shelli Nicole: Wow Shelli.

Kayla: I mostly know from having eaten a lot of squid.

Sally: I have eaten a lot of squid! But I think batter can hide a multitude of sins. And also the real body shape of a squid.


Okay next question! What would you do to this Squid Game track suit to flag your queerness and make other contestants not want to kill you?

The full Squid Game green tracksuit

Kayla: Well first of all I would turn the track pants into cutoff shorts and then add a striped knee high athletic sock.

Sally: I have to say, the colours remind me of the prisoners’ uniform in Wentworth, so probs you just need to add a white vest top to show off your hot arms, and a shiv.

Abeni: All I can think of is cutting the sleeves off the t-shirt.

Shelli: Now my dyke mind is telling me to say nothing because sweatpants are enough — I could roll them down and put my hair in a high bun and get my “hey mamas” on to save my life and flirt… The answer is officially a flannel in the same colors because I can wear it with nothing underneath and simply lay on my bunk bed like “hello fellow players.”

Heather: lmao at Shelli’s turning this into The Bachelorette.

Shelli: Finding love in a hopeless place.


Next question! Who is this? Wrong answers only.

The giant Squid Game doll standing against a tree

Abeni: My first girlfriend. Same energy tbh.

Shelli: The cute cashier at Trader Joe’s after they’re done with their shift.

Sally: Is it Heather Hogan? I’ve heard she’s really tall…

Kayla: A baby dyke going to her first queer potluck. She made a cobbler.


This squid is new to app dating and needs some help composing their first message on Her. Please assist.

Sally: Do we know this squid’s sign?

Kayla: OK honestly I am distracted by how cool this squid looks. That’s a Leo imo.

Sally: I don’t know why I asked what sign considering I have no idea what any of them mean.

Abeni: Something about being flexible and tender and about going with the flow.

Heather: Going with the flow! ABENI!

Sally: Okay I’d focus on the tentacles tbh. Pretty good usp.

Abeni: I wanted to say something about like, being able to multi-task or juggle multiple things or something bc they have, like, multiple arms? But I couldn’t figure out an appropriate like, pun.

Sally: I don’t think you need a pun. You can leave it to the prospective date’s imagination.

Abeni: “Also, just wanna say … I have eight arms and can use them simultaneously. You do the math.”

Kayla: “I ink you’re pretty cute.”

Shelli: “Looking to join a couple because turns out that even though there are plenty of fish in the sea all of them are dishonest and kinda mean and I’m not really tryna put a bunch of new work in and I’m hella cute and not at all dramatic so let’s just see where it goes.”

Abeni: “Not just my ink is toxic.”

Shelli: ABENI. This all just makes me feel like their star sign is Libra. “I’m not toxic what you meannnnn” “Girl — you literally are, what are you talking about?”


Okay, you can choose one person who writes or edits or podcasts, etc. from Autostraddle to be your Squid Game ally. Who would you choose to give you the best chance at survival and why?

Kayla: I feel like I need a Capricorn’s attention to detail and determination to balance out my chaos so Drew.

Sally: I am trying to pick between Vanessa who surely has survival experience from attempting the Pacific Crest Trail, and Heather who can just shout men into submission. Can I get a flavour of what we might have to survive?

Abeni: I think you play like competitive children’s games like Red Light / Green Light? But if you lose you die.

Shelli: Not a Taurus (me) thinking far too hard about this.

Abeni: If i want to do a kind of affiliative/making alliances type strategy? Shelli, Heather, or Vanessa. If I want to do a force other folks into sexual submission? Shelli. If i want to go on all-out intimidation offensive? Probably Stef. If i want to try and construct like, survival implements or something? For some reason I’m thinking Ro. Might just be their vibe, no idea if that’s accurate lol.
If i want to think deeply about strategy and planning? Drew.

Shelli: Is anyone a Libra? Cos once we make it to the last game I have NO ISSUE taking out a Libra. And getting billions of won to do so.

Heather: I think Riese is. 😂

Shelli: Welp looks like I will have to choose Riese and then Carol and I will have a beautiful life together — which is honestly what I have always wanted.


Okay! Final question! what reality or game show do you actually think you’d have the best chance of winning? and why!

Sally: I think I’d have done alright in the first couple of seasons of Big Brother before everyone was just a wanker

Kayla: I think Chopped is literally the only one I have a shot at.

Abeni: Alone! I get to be alone for three months in the wilderness? no job, no distractions, no internet, no discourse, just me and nature? Paradise.

Shelli: THE CIRCLE. All I have to do to win the circle is lure folks in with my picture and then charm and sway them with my words? Baby that’s me all day on social media anyway — cut me my check and let’s be done.

NOW READERS — You choose! Who wins Squid Game? 

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Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior writer who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 1217 articles for us.

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