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When I suggested themed food and drinks to pair with watching Carol on a 24-hour loop when it dropped on Netflix last year, I forgot to read the room. That room? Full of gays. And there I went, including meat and dairy. For that and many other reasons: not my best work.
I’m back for what I hope can be our martini with an olive branch moment. To all of the people that have ever eaten a side of dry potatoes as your dinner because no one looked at the menu beforehand, please consider this all vegan Carol fare my official apology.
Vegan creamed spinach at Scotty’s
I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of creamed spinach that hasn’t looked like the punishment that awaits delinquent children. It has a very “sold as is” quality about it. I’ve never eaten creamed spinach, but I can’t imagine the taste delivers in the exceeded-my-expectations department. Removing its probably only saving grace – butter – feels like suiting up for a guaranteed L. That being said, this vegan creamed spinach looks delicious! Maybe that’s been the key this whole time –just take out the heavy stuff and focus on properly seasoning and voila, an edible side dish.
Vegan Mashed Potatoes at the Aird’s
More mashed potatoes, ORIGINALLY CARL? Please know that I have steered all of us clear of any recipe that suggested NUTMEG as an optional spice, which is a disrespectful troll.
Vegan Bacon at Spare Time
As someone who has gone to incredible lengths to prepare tofu in a way that results in a food item that hasn’t submitted to The Tofu Void (and consistently failed at doing so), this rice paper bacon is a game changer. It looks so bacony! And the porousness of the paper probably holds flavor well, so let’s break out that liquid smoke and stare out the window in despair!
Vegan Cream of Tomato Soup at the diner in Philadelphia
Cream of tomato is the soup they’re having at that diner, right? Little side of saltines? I’d eat it!
Vegan Ham Sandwiches in the car
Because it seems like everyone from “the greatest generation” had preferences for the worst of everything, I’m going to guess the kind of sandwiches Therese and Carol eat in the car are ham. Instead of buying slices of it in the alternative meat aisle at the grocery store, bake this FULL ham, slice it, and then please bring some to me.
Vegan Poached Eggs at Scotty’s
I’ve saved this for last because this has blown my damn mind. So you’ve just “made” an egg and figured out how to encapsulate a “yolk” that will run out of it when cut? Humans are incredible. BON APPETIT!!!
Wow, the eggs are a revelation
I guess someone’s getting tied up after those mashed spuds.
that’s the utensil
They truly did eat the grossest things in the fifties. The line where Carol mentions not wanting to eat another tomato aspic got me to google aspics (which, for the unaware, are savory jell-o moulds, with meats and vegetables floating around in them, instead of fruit). Let me tell you, the images I found were revelatory, and I strongly encourage anyone with a strong stomach to check them out. Some example aspic ingredients (which again, are frozen in gelatin):
Hard boiled eggs
Vienna sausages
Peas & carrots from a can
Sardines
Spam
I can attest to this. My grandmother used to make a meat gelatin type dish for holidays meals. It was pink. I am scarred to this day.
So scarred, in fact, that I added an unnecessary ‘s’ to holiday…
Well, don’t keep us hanging; what was in it?
I honestly don’t know! I think it was ground beef pate? Hence the pink color.
it really did feel so intentional?? to hover their hands between two products and then go for “this one’s gonna be way worse”
Yup. My comment isn’t about vegan dishes, but looking at images of aspics might be enough to make someone go vegan.
Aspics add another level entirely to Therese running out of the car to puke during the drive back with Abby…
Cranberry Candle salad, anyone ?
https://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelwmiller/truly-horrifying-vintage-holiday-recipes
This is so timely, I was wondering how to replace my traditional glazed ham this year with something less murderous.
Thanks for doing the research !
P.S. Am I going to betray my naiveté if I say… What’s wrong with nutmeg, eh ?
nutmeg just doesn’t belong in my mashed potatoes or my macaroni and cheese or any other food that is born perfect just the way it is
Gotcha.
I use it but only when I’m cooking in French. “Muscade”.
It has a nice puckery feel when I say it. With just a bit of tongue showing at the end.
Yeah, no. Thank you but no
carmen join us!!
nutmeg is delicious in savory foods INCLUDING potatoes but have fun being publicly wrong i guess
wowowowowowow my enemies are surfacing
Wow. I would never eat any of these things. But I still feel like my life is better for knowing they exist.
not even the mashed potatoes with garlic and shallots??
“so let’s break out that liquid smoke and stare out the window in despair!”
Found my calling.
“Made” an egg?!?! MADE AN EGG?!?! Devil, I rebuke thee.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be queerer,
From now on the men will be in the rear-view mirror
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
As you awaken to being gay,
We’ll get in the car and drive miles away
For tonight, we can be together,
If society will just allow,
In your memories we’ll always have this one place,
So have yourself a merry little Christmas
Aw geez, this is so good
actually I made creamed spinach and poached eggs and it was DELICIOUS (I mean, all the butter and cream, how could it not be) and it also has nutmeg I am totally not kidding.
Don’t forget vegan Christmas cookies for Therese to serve on a platter, even though SHE’S the guest. Where the hell is Florence when you need her? I guess Carol sent her smug, spying, stink-eye looking, eavesdropping ass home early. Good riddance!
My dear fellow vegan Carolheads, let us join in our little red Frankenberg’s hats together and dance the dance of Carol and feast upon these vegtastic delights
My best friend is vegan. I am adapting to this horrible turn of events. I try to make delicious food for her. But I refuse to call anything that does not have animal product cheese, dairy, or any meat. Vegan bacon is vegan bacon flavored stuff. This is the line I have drawn. Is it petty? Definitely.
Also, mashed potatoes are always appropriate. I’m going to have to reflect on the betrayal I feel about disdain for mashed potatoes.
I think nutmeg is overused but it’s in important things like white sauces for gratins.People who use pumpkin spice can die a slow and painful death.
I have opinions on food.
I’ve made that ham! It was beautiful and delicious, I was never a ham fan as a meat-eater but this has only the good flavor parts of ham.