30 Alternatives to “I Want You to Run Me Over With a Car,” Courtesy of Villanelle from “Killing Eve”

~*Killing Eve spoilers, technically?*~

It’s been a long, weird year — couple of years? life? — and maybe that goes some way toward explaining why we all want our crushes to run us over with a car now. Gabriella Paiella defined the crux of this difficult-to-articulate yet ubiquitous impulse as one in which “there is no actual sexual activity involved, but… conveys a catastrophic level of desire.” It’s hard to explain how or why one might feel this way about an object of desire, but I know for a fact you gay weirdos feel it about Cate Blanchett/Rachel Weisz/Rosa Diaz or whoever your particular favorite is among imperious, yet alluring public figures or fictional characters. How many times, however, can you reiterate your desire for this person to murder you/step on your neck/spit in your mouth/hit you with a bus before it starts to, you know, lose a little of the romance? Feel free to take inspiration from the living, breathing foundational text of the Horny Gay Murder Drive, Killing Eve. Some variations on “run me with a car” that Villanelle has graciously provided for you:

1. Stab me in the eye with an ornate hairpin which is also, redundantly, full of poison

2. Murder me like a full security detail inside a protected witness’s hospital room

3. Gas me to death inside a medical kink experience facility

4. Assassinate my best friend in a nightclub

5. Make a stranger wear my clothes to have sex with her

6. Hold me under a faucet in my own bathtub

7. Grapple with me in the backseat of a Jeep

8. Back over me with a car after reactivating my obvious unresolved feelings for you

9. Castrate and kill my husband in a jealous rage

10. Demand my phone passcode at knifepoint

11. Execute a double agent in a dress you bought for me

12. Punch me in line for prison cabbage

13. Hug me before bleeding me out inside a prison cell

14. Tear my throat out with your teeth as we fight to the death

15. Threaten your ex in the apartment you killed her husband in

16. Lock my wife in a cupboard

17. Kidnap my daughter and use her as a sarcastic, annoying hostage

18. Hold me at gunpoint while I monologue about how devoted I am to you

19. Shoot at me while I run from you outside my scenic boathouse

20. Dramatically threaten to skin my family alive

21. Get in a standoff with me in a chic café while I beg you to run away with me

22. Tell me you masturbate about me after I break into your apartment and ransack your things

23. Snap my neck inside a French hospital while wearing my pajamas

24. Stab me with a knitting needle in a creepy surburban doll
house of horrors

25. Manipulate a boring doe-eyed coworker into sleeping with my husband to break up my marriage

26. Publicly humiliate me in a creepy pig-masked Lolita costume

27. Slice my lip open with a tiny, sexy knife you hid inside a tub of lipstick

28. Mail me some of your favorite murder-themed fine art so I know you’re thinking of me

29. Choke out a teenager in an Amsterdam club bathroom for me

30. Await my presence with loving anticipation in a dramatic floor length gown at a murder scene you created to impress me

Rachel is Autostraddle's Managing Editor and the editor who presides over news & politics coverage. Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1094 articles for us.

22 Comments

  1. I have a couple of (straight) coworkers who watched the first season of this show and weren’t really into it and I was like HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS ITS AMAZING. This is how they don’t love it.

    This show is for queers who want to be murdered by their crushes.

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