It’s that time again — the time of year when I gather a tiny handful of mystical elderberry juice, the innards of an antique clock, five bottles of discontinued nail polish, a quart of dirt from my “backyard,” a well-preserved two-ounce serving of Crystal Clear Pepsi and from this magical combination of ingredients, I produce your May A-Camp CABIN ASSIGNMENTS! (ETA: Within the next two weeks)
This year, as in last year, I gave you a chance to describe yourself when you registered so that I could try to put you in a cabin with other humans who are exactly as weird or as interested in anime or gin or libraries as you are. It’s an unrefined process, but I think over time I’ve established at least a 65% success rate, which is a lot more than I can say for my counselors at labor zionist youth camp. Stay tuned for my follow-up list, “25 Special Ways A-Campers Used The Personal Description Box To Explain What It Means To Be An “Outgoing Introvert.”
Here are some sentences from your descriptions of yourselves, ripped mercilessly out of context and placed here, in this list, for our communal entertainment and delight.
1. I have been known by a few hundred girls as “Kiwi The Spunky Kitchen Lady” at Girl Scout Camp.
2. I am one of six hipsters at Hope College
3. I have a goddess quad of Beyoncé, Misty Copeland, Laverne Cox and Michelle Rodriguez that I devote to thrice daily in the hopes that the patriarchy will finally crumble and fall at their wrath
4. Still not entirely sure how to do the hustle? Can we fix this?
5. Once I was driving down a road on the wrong side and saw a car coming towards me and wondered why it wouldn’t move over.
6. I’m 27 but I exhibit a lot of behavior similar to a grandmother: I go to bed early, enjoy watching my programs, and yell at people who stand on my lawn.
7. I like to grow things and live by the moon.
8. I had the most amazing Coming Out party. I made my friends wear unicorn horns.
9. Current goals include getting into law school and moving out of my dad’s house.
10. I am a quirky, crafty, rainbow obsessed queer girl who embodies the spirit and fashion style of a 9 year old boi
11. Give me a can of spray paint and a glue gun and you’ll prob— have a mess on your hands. But I’ll be happy.
12. My personality is downright magnetic.
13. I love The Beatles, collecting Beatles things and the fact they sang love 613 times in their songs. I believe in love so much.
14. I fit every single lesbian stereotype possible except having an actual girlfriend.
15. I am also committed to Sparkle Motion, if that helps.
16. I’ve been known to get tipsy on red wine and write poems about my personal life.
17. I’m getting my phD in materials science engineering, and someday I’m going to rule the universe in rainbow spandex.
18. Alcohol is awesome!
19. I am unusually messy for someone who feels compelled to arrange the presets for her car radio in ascending order by megahertz.
20. I just bought a house and my butch cred is being upped by working on said house
21. Sometimes I feel like the only lesbian in Kentucky!!
22. I’ve got a cute face
Thick legs in shape
Rump shaking both ways
Make you do a double take
23. CAT SHIRT CAT SHIRT CAT SHIRT RAPTOR SHIRT
24. I am a queer artist hard femme catastrophe waitress.
25. Can’t decide if I’m a misanthrope or just a misandrist. I’m probably a misandrist.
26. I wish I were a baller, but I’m glad I’m me.