2017 has been a hellscape but tonight the queerest crop of actors and writers in Emmys history have been nominated for awards and so Natalie, Carmen Phillips, and Heather Hogan are here to liveblog the whole Hollywood shebang for you. You can peruse our team’s completely unbiased picks right here. And also throughout the night we’ll be sharing our readers’ picks with you. You can also expect a little bit of this:
And that concludes our pregame. Onto the red carpet!
7:30 Heather: What’s the number one thing you want to see win tonight? Top choice. Mine is for sure Lena Waithe for the “Thanksgiving” episode of Master of None.
Natalie: Definitely Lena Waithe and “Thanksgiving.”
Carmen: I’m spending this last hour before the Emmys re-watching the “Thanksgiving” episode and I REGRET NOTHING. If it doesn’t win, someone is going to have to pick me up from the floor.
7:45 Carmen: HI I’M HERE. I just finished watching the “Thanksgiving” episode while making spaghetti and trying not to cry into the sauce, so that’s how I’m doing.
7:50 Natalie: Anthony Andersen asked Laverne to do a guest stint on black-ish on the red carpet.
Carmen: I missed so much! LENA WAITHE IS MY CELEBRITY GIRLFRIEND AND I LOVE HER.
Heather: One time Laverne Cox blew past me on the GLAAD Awards red carpet. It was the best three seconds of those entire awards.
Natalie: Does she smell like magic? I’ll bet she smells like magic.
8:00 Let’s go!
— Shadow And Act (@shadowandact) September 17, 2017
8:05 Natalie: “Future’s always brighter on TV”…no coincidence that they haven’t mentioned lesbians, right?
8:15 Heather: The only acceptable thing about that Sean Spicer bullshit is that Melissa McCarthy refused to applaud him.
Hillary's supposed to go away but Spicer helped further the agenda of a sociopath and he's booked on awards shows. Okay. #Emmys
— shauna (@goldengateblond) September 18, 2017
8:20 Next up is Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. You’ll all be shocked to hear that our writers and our readers overwhelmingly voted for Kate McKinnon in this category.
8:30 Oh, hello! And Kate McKinnon really won in real life and not just in our imaginations! She tried to thank Hillary Clinton and they started playing her off because 2017, y’all.
I'm so happy for for you Kate McKinnon … Listen, stop by the show tomorrow if you want to finish that speech?? #Emmys
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) September 18, 2017
8:35 Autostraddle readers are two for two! You called the Laura Dern victory for Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie. Laura says she’s happy to win for Big Little Lies because she’s only ever worked with 12 women in her entire career. One of those women, you’ll remember, was Ellen. She played the woman Ellen fell for and came out to on “The Puppy Episode.”
8:40 That all happened so fast we didn’t get to talk about Gina Rodriguez. Let me take you back to 8:26.
Carmen: Fuck Me Up Gina Rodriguez (maybe) Bisexual, Fuck Me Up.
Natalie: As the bisexual woman in the room, let me just tell you…Gina and Shemar are a DREAM pairing.
Heather: Gina, kiss Kate on the mouth!
8:45 Natalie: Among the staff, Carmen is the only person to get all the picks right thus far.
Carmen: I should’ve warned y’all, I play Oscar pool with my mother every year since I was ten years old.
Heather: Wow, is she good at TV too?
Carmen: My mom has beat me every year of the last 20 with the exception of four. I beat her in 2009 (which she denies to this day), we tied in 2012. I won in 2013, and we tied last year.
8:50 While Gabrielle Union is presenting a writing Emmy to a category that only includes one woman, here is a thing to think about.
I've been doing TV since 1995. This will be my 1st time going to the Emmys & I'm presenting an award! 22 yrs later. #OvernightSuccess 🤗
— Gabrielle Union (@itsgabrielleu) September 17, 2017
8:55 Carmen: LENA WAITHE AND HER BEAUTIFUL PARTNER!!! They were behind the guy who just won best writing for Handmaid’s Tale. Aisle seat! The Emmy’s are hopeful for her win, too.
9:00 Carmen: DAMMIT! The Emmys will never appreciate Tituss as much as I appreciate Tituss. That much is clear.
Natalie: That Lemonade sketch alone should’ve won him that dang Emmy.
Carmen: That was my first thought! When they announced Alec’s win, the Lemonade sketch flashed through my mind like it was This Is Your Life.
Natalie: So, the most diverse Emmys of all time…and yet…these winners seem suspiciously familiar.
Carmen: Say that again!
Natalie: Qwhite interesting.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 18, 2017
9:15 The goddesses have truly blessed us on this night.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) September 18, 2017
Natalie: Is Heather alive?
Heather: No, she died.
Carmen: Lily Tomlin looks hot, I am so here for her.
Heather: Did Dolly Parton just ask for a Grace and Frankie vibrator?!
Natalie: Heather is dead now, for sure. We need to send flower arrangements.
Heather: Some assholes on Twitter are saying it’s gross for a 70-year-old woman to ask for a vibrator.
Carmen: We can really not love ourselves sometimes.
Natalie: I used to volunteer at senior center in high school. There’s only one other place that I’ve been to where they’re having more sex. Old people are hooking up ALL THE TIME.
Heather: Golden Girls was telling the truth.
Carmen: My goal in life it to be 70 with the world’s largest vibrator collection, I’m claiming that right now.
Natalie: I’m a black woman from the South…if I live to 70, I will be showin’ out!
That 9 to 5 reunion! pic.twitter.com/nuVvbhzGi1
— Bitch Media (@BitchMedia) September 18, 2017
9:25 Hmm. Ann Dowd won Samira’s Emmy. Well, Samira is the Emmy winner OF ALL OUR HEARTS.
Heather: Ann Dowd is shocked, but not more shocked than me.
Carmen: She is devastating in Handmaid’s Tale. I will say that.
But, so was Samira. And she isn’t playing the face of evil.
And Mille Bobbie Brown CARRIED AN ENTIRE SHOW ON HER BACK at 11 years old.
This is a pretty queer night for CBS pic.twitter.com/58Qq4GXioY
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) September 18, 2017
9:30 Carmen I’m fully willing to believe that the Emmy is a black femme queen, just so y’all know.
9:35 IT WON! IT WON! Lena Waithe won for the “Thanksgiving” episode of Master of None! My gosh, what a speech. She is the first black woman to win an Emmy for comedy writing ever.
Heather: I’m screaming! I’m screaming!
Natalie: Best. Hour. Of. TV. All. Year.
Carmen: I HAVE TO STOP TYPING SO I CAN STAND AN INCH FROM THE TV AND CRY NOW.
Heather: She thanked her girlfriend!
Carmen: “To My Girlfriend, I love you more than life itself.”
Natalie: She shouted me out basically.
Carmen: “To My LGBTQIA family… we are superheroes. Thank you for embracing a little Indian boy from South Carolina and a little queer black girl from the Southside of Chicago.” My heart is beating out of my chest. MY HANDS ARE SHAKING.
Natalie: Lena Waithe called the episode the blackest and gayest tv she could make…I think that speech accomplished the same thing. First black woman, second woman of color (behind Mindy Kaling).
9:50 Heather: “San Junipero” wins for best writing! That’s a surprise! You voted for it, we voted for it, but I kind of thought for sure Ryan Murphy would win because he wins everything.
THIS IS THE GAYEST AWARD SHOW EVER pic.twitter.com/AZVFQarhX9
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) September 18, 2017
10:10 Carmen The worst thing about Sam Bee losing is Sam Bee would have the perfect feminist rage rant about losing to John Oliver right now and WE CAN’T HEAR IT BECAUSE SHE F*CKING LOST.
10:15 Hem hem.
— Lane Bryant (@lanebryant) September 18, 2017
Carmen: DANIELLE BROOKS AND HER STRETCH MARKS ARE TELLING ME TO LOVE MYSELF.
Natalie: good lord.
Carmen: I will try my hardest to love myself and my flabby tummy and my stretch marks. Thank you, Danielle Brooks.
(Also, I love you Danielle Brooks. But that’s more obvious.)
10:30 Veep, Veep, Veep, Veep bleep bloop blah bloop Veep. Also:
In 1977, when Mary Tyler Moore won an #Emmy for her show, she had a maximum number of minutes she could be seen on screen in pants.
— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) September 18, 2017
10:35 You were right about Nicole Kidman in Big Little Lies and so were our writers but mostly Carmen was right. She’s been right about everything all night!
10:40 Black Mirror‘s “San Junipero” wins for Best Limited Series!
— Janelle Monáe, Cindi Mayweather (@JanelleMonae) September 18, 2017
10:50 Natalie: SKB!!!
Can I just say
That show would be 10x better if they cut the white people out
Keep the mama
Heather: Oh for sure.
Natalie: If Adele was a TV show, it’d be This Is Us.
Carmen: Listen, ok. Sterling K Brown has been one of my favorites since he was the Army Husband in a team of Army Wives on that terrible lifetime show a decade ago
I am so happy for his come up.
Heather: Remember when that show was surprise gay for a minute?
Carmen: Haha, yes! I almost forgot! But now I can’t forget!
10:58 Elizabeth Moss wins for The Handmaid’s Tale and then The Handmaid’s Tale wins for Best Drama and then Elizabeth Moss wins a hug from Oprah. And now, in this huge win for feminism, a white man is giving the last speech of the night. Margaret Atwood is on the stage, though! And Samira finally!
11:00 Heather: Will someone just give Viola her Grammy already so she can EGOT?
Carmen: I WANT VIOLA’S EGOT SO BAD I CAN TASTE IT.
Heather: God that orange looks so good on her.
Carmen: I also love her hair. I love her make up. I love it all.
Natalie: Listen, if someone just let Viola do their audiobook, she could pick up that final EGOT.
Maybe Michelle Obama will let her do it.
11:19 Carmen: I know we shut down for the night, but Danielle Brooks liked the screenshot of our live-blog that I tweeted at her!!!!