19 Ways Our Queer Weddings Won’t Suck

by Ali and Vanessa

WEDDING SEASON IS UPON US. Isn’t it wacky how the sanest of humans can go totally nuts around their “BIG DAY”? As the Auto-team attends bridal showers, bachelorette parties and weddings of all shapes and sizes, we’d like to pause and reflect on things we do not believe we will ever allow to take place at our (hypothetical) future weddings NOW THAT SCOTUS HAS MADE US EQUAL KINDA, presuming one day we all live in states and countries that actually grant us marriage equality. But until complete marriage equality reigns, our feelings on tacky lingerie and weird patriarchal traditions are kind of a moot point so we’re allowed to be bitchy when we judge them, right? Mmmkay then.

Some Things That Will Never Happen When We Get Married

1. We will not ask our guests to use a made-up ridiculous hashtag when documenting our wedding festivities on social media platforms.

2. We will not ask our “best friends” to be part of our wedding parties only to demand they wear outfits that don’t fit their gender presentation.

3. We will not tell our guests that in order to bring their significant other, they have to be married to said significant other. Especially in states that lack marriage equality.

I can't even with this cuteness, omg. via Steph Grant Photography

I can’t even with this cuteness, omg. via Steph Grant Photography

4. We will never make the bride a ridiculous hat out of wrapping paper/bows. Mostly because you need an engineering degree to make it stay together.

5. “Will you have the chicken or the fish?” Psh. Our weddings will be vegan and gluten-free.

6. We will not ever use the phrase “Planning a wedding is exhausting,” and expect people to feel sorry for us. Because we know that what is actually exhausting is smashing the patriarchy on a daily basis, amirite?

7. We won’t divide our bridal party by gender and we won’t insist everyone wear the same awful dress and we definitely won’t demand everyone wear heels although if you want to wear heels obviously you can, even if it will make you taller than the bride(s).

8. Actually, we may not even have a bridal party. But if we do we probably won’t refer to anyone as a “maid of honor” or a “matron of honor” because we feel really weird about those labels.

9. We may allow our parents to walk us down the aisle or we may not, but we’ll make damn sure there’s no talk of giving anyone away ever.

10. We will not hire a DJ who makes really inappropriate gendered jokes and we refuse to be friends with people who actually laugh when anyone says, “Happy wife, happy life!”

11. There will be no crawling across the floor to remove the garter with your teeth. Especially if your grandma is present.

12. Instead of a crying child as ring bearer, we will probably have our cats walk down the aisle bearing the rings.

13. Our vows will appropriately be made up of quotes from feminist philosophers/theorists/essayists/performers. And let’s be real here, our officient will probably read from an Andrea Gibson poem (one of the happy ones).

WE ARE TOTALLY DOING THIS Steph Grant Photography

WE ARE TOTALLY DOING THIS via Steph Grant Photography

14. The only churches we will consider for the occasion will have a rainbow flag out front.

15. All wedding decorations will be made from 100% post-consumer materials and will be compostable or practical in a way that guests will actually want to take them home.

16. We will probably use Style Thief to plan our wedding parties’ outfit color palettes.

17. Or maybe we’ll just make Lizz and Sarah Medd style our weddings, like at A-Camp.

18. Actually, let’s just all get married on the mountain? It’s legal in California, now.

19. The cocktail hour before the reception will be called Dapper Hour. There will be whiskey.

A.E. Osworth is part-time Faculty at The New School, where they teach undergraduates the art of digital storytelling. Their novel, We Are Watching Eliza Bright, about a game developer dealing with harassment (and narrated collectively by a fictional subreddit), is forthcoming from Grand Central Publishing (April 2021) and is available for pre-order now. They have an eight-year freelancing career and you can find their work on Autostraddle (where they used to be the Geekery Editor), Guernica, Quartz, Electric Lit, Paper Darts, Mashable, and drDoctor, among others.

A.E. has written 545 articles for us.

96 Comments

  1. this makes me all of the sudden want to go to a bunch of weddings..although I don’t plan on ever getting hitched, weddings are beautiful and I cant wait until any of my friends get married so I can happily be the single one at the bar all night! and no that isn’t sarcasm. cheers everyone!

  2. This is awesome, because I am perpetually in a state of bitchy judginess re: all the straight weddings happening around me. I went to the great wedding of my two former roommates, which was low-key and celebratory (and during the ceremony, they stopped to talk about their privilege in being able to get married when so many others can’t). On the other hand, I’ve totally been to weddings where the bride/groom/close family members are bitching about how STRESSFUL it all is, to the point where they don’t actually seem to enjoy their day and I’m left wondering…what’s the point?

    So I’m feeling number 6 for sure. Although queer weddings are not automatically exempt from my biggest issues with weddings or the institution of marriage.

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