16 Meals and Snacks To Maintain The Level Of Sad You Already Feel

1. Cereal + cream + water

An ordinary girl would see she was out of milk and go get some milk for her cereal. But you’re not an ordinary girl. You already put the cereal on your bowl, and now you find out there’s no milk. Life is unfair, just like the U.S. Government. Hot tip: what is milk if not cream with a lot of water in it???? These are the kinds of things we’re going to have to start figuring out for ourselves.

2. A handful of potato chips wrapped in a paper towel

Just a few though, not the whole bag! It doesn’t count as the whole bag if you eat it in ten mini-servings.

3. Sandwich w/one slice of bread and one bread-end

If she’d told you only bread-ends were left you would’ve gotten more bread when you stopped at the store after work, but it’s fine, because everything is. Everything is fine.

4. Condiments or spreads off a spoon, while standing up

Eating a condiment (e.g., mustard) or a spread (e.g., hummus, peanut butter) off a spoon can serve as an excellent pre-game or post-game to the potato chips. It could even be both, because you might want more paper towel potato chips soon. It’s not dead yet. Like you! Which is something.

5. Anything that tastes like bacon, besides bacon

You made bacon this morning and now everything smells like bacon! Does your cat smell like bacon? Maybe eat your cat.

6. A tiny smoothie

Watch out, ladies: it takes a village to raise a child and it takes an orchard to make a human-sized smoothie. One banana = one tablespoon of smoothie. Why? I don’t know, it defies the odds. Put an entire bucket of ice in there and see what happens. Call it “the ice bucket challenge.” Don’t worry either way, as long as you see your glass as half-full, you’ve gotten your daily allowance of optimism!

7. A failed slow-cooker experiment

Just add salt!

8. $15 Pre-wrapped Sandwich From Whole Foods

Eating a sandwich you don’t like is sad, but wasting $15 on a sandwich at Whole Foods is sadder.

9. Baked Potato & Steak 

You’re a grown woman. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want to! That’s why you should treat yourself to a grown-up meal every now and then — no — a FANCY meal! Nothing says “fancy” like a baked potato, steak and maybe some greens. But here’s the catch: somehow, this combo, which looks absolutely mouth-watering in advertisements for Sizzler et al, does not maintain its glowing appearance when you make it at home. Instead it looks like the last meal of a tragic lounge singer, eaten off a piano bench in a smoky room filled with sad people waiting to die. (Please @ me about this)

10. Dinner for Breakfast

Like breakfast for dinner, but sadder. It’s 10 AM somewhere.

11. That thing your friend made on Instagram

Last week I saw a thing Yvonne made on Instagram, which she’d also told us about already in our “virtual office,” and I thought to myself “that looks good, you should —” and then I stopped talking to myself before I said “try to make that” because I am a self-aware and realistic person, in touch with all my faults and limitations.

12. That thing your ex used to make

See above: know your limitations.

13. Anything that died on the line, especially if it was your fault

This one’s for all my servers out there eyeing that sweet dish dying on the end of the line, waiting for the perfect moment to slip it into a to-go box and hide in the walk-in freezer to eat it before your armpit sweat turns to ice. BRRRR. Or you could bring it home, although once I did that with a P-SHRIMP at the Mac Grill and ended up with the worst food poisoning of my life. I won’t give you the details because it would be off-brand for me as the person who does not enjoy toilet-related conversations, but just imagine the worst, okay?

14. 3-4 beige/light orange items on the same plate, from the freezer

Some ideas: chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, crispy egg rolls, off-brand tater tots, mozzarella sticks, jalapeño poppers. I could go on; but must I? We both know what the deal is here.

15. Anything for sale in Terminal 6 of the Los Angeles Airport

We all know that Los Angeles is the city of dreams, but we also know that a place where dreams can live is also a place where dreams can die. For example: Terminal 6. Specifically, that “Farmer’s Market” is no Farmer’s Market friend of mine. There’s nothing there for you unless you want to eat somebody else’s carry-on. It’s never a bad idea to have a Lara Bar in your back pocket. They named it after a woman for a reason.

16. A plate of spaghetti, a mug of coffee, 1.5 broken-up rolls and a handful of pills, using your toilet as a table.

This wasn’t my idea actually, I found it on shutterstock and can’t stop thinking about it.

Although TBH if this was me, the mug would be full of white wine

Actually this would make you feel worse than you already feel, because you also can’t use the bathroom. So definitely don’t do this. Maybe have these cashews or these marshmallows instead, and then you’ll feel much better than you felt when you woke up this morning, afraid of never having health insurance again.

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2844 articles for us.

131 Comments

    • this is actually the only real solution. A person in the depressed queer’s life that can recognize and respond to the need for a care package without judgement or requiring some unwelcome conversation about “how are uuuuuuuu”.

  1. I poured taco seasoning over Kraft mac and cheese for “variety” the other day.

    Also, a great thing about stale bread is that it doesn’t taste (as) stale if you toast it.

    Also, eating six string cheese is OK if it’s the Weight Watchers brand. It’s fine. Just… like… everything… else.

    • Adding taco seasoning + some combination of onions/tomato/green pepper/can of salsa to mac and cheese feels like real cooking. So does mac and cheese + peas + tuna. Or + frozen broccoli. Or spinach. Or whatever other vegetables you bought optimistically, imagining a world in which you would not only cook but also eat and enjoy a vegetable.

      Cheese covers a multitude of sins.

  2. All these comments are making me think:
    1. I have never been so glad that cooking real food is my therapy.

    2. There is a gap for a food delivery service specifically catering to dejected queers. Potential company names:

    – Depressaroo
    – Thrifty Meals for Lonely Lesbians (incidentally if I wrote a cookery book it would be called this)
    – Heavy-Hearted Homo Deliveries

  3. As I read this I literally have a bag of graham crackers and a little jar of peanut butter sitting on top of a plate which is on top of my lap. I’m spreading peanut butter on each cracker as I eat it. I call it lunch.

  4. I see you’ve left out my favorite depression (and low-spoon) meals:

    Popcorn

    Avocadoes and tostitos fajita flavored tortilla chips (so you can fool yourself into thinking you’re eating guac)

    Hummus and baby carrots for 3 days straight

    frozen fruit, still frozen (so you can fool yourself into thinking you’re eating ice cream bc you can’t actually afford ice cream and you already have frozen fruit in the freezer)

    More popcorn (seriously probably 1 meal a day is popcorn because it’s easy to make, minimal/no cleanup, and because I have a stove popcorn popper it’s actually reasonably healthy to eat (and I need to eat a lot of salt bc of low BP but don’t really like salty things but you can really salt up popcorn without being like “ew yuck salt” so win-win))

  5. Depression meals I’ve “made” in the last week:
    -tortilla chips and off-brand salsa from the back of the fridge
    -tortilla chips and hummus.
    -burnt rice drenched in lime juice so it wouldn’t taste burnt which didn’t work, with -really bland refried beans and half a bag of shredded cheese
    -stale ginger cookies
    -the licorice jelly beans leftover in the bag from easter that was sitting on my nightstand, because i was too lazy to go downstairs and face the effort of putting something in a pot/microwave and boiling/torching it.
    -and, my favorite, just an entire sleeve of ritz crackers. no moderation. no toppings. just (maybe stale, kind of crumbling) ritz crackers.

  6. Oh yeah and whenever I think of that certain someone I go for irn bru cos I link it w him & how he bought it for me.

    I hate having such extreme mixed feelings about someone I want to/should hate. I met him in between now-then & he tried chatting me up so clearly still lusts after me which doesn’t help. And I still kind of do back but i know it’s really not healthy… I know that enough that after he chatted me up I bolted. Ive seen him just that once since. It’s more just that he isn’t totally out of my ‘positive’ thoughts in solo sessions.

    I wish this was just our thing. It’s weird how we still have my favourite stuff in common but I won’t give my favourite (cultural) stuff up for his sake.

    Can you tell this is one of those nights lol…

    Oh & feeling really (trans) masc right now but gay/bi. My gender/sexuality fluctuates like that…

    Genuinely not sure if this is bad to say & this time I do care.

    • Really not sure I should’ve said something about this this publicly. Can ppl figure out my email from this cos if so please delete.
      If not then I’ll keep as I actually would like to vent. So long as ppl realise this is one experience & I’ve had lots of good ones with ppl who share all the same cultural/trivial stuff. Myself for one. Life is messy. You can’t sum up a whole group of ppl by just a few.

        • Phew.
          Tom has come to visit & kick me in the stomach (um I mean it’s my shark week) right at the same time as the (similar) stuff he used to tell me about came onto English tv (which is making me para that ppl will ask me about it & reminding me of my past) and my neighbour decided to shine lights all night so I haven’t slept all night so it’s nice to have one less thing to stress over.
          Also ppl seriously, don’t leave on outdoor lights all night. Some ppl are autistic & deserve sleep too.

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