Gay divorceés are very hot right now, very of the moment. I say this not just because I’m a gay divorcée and increasingly my friends are too; it’s just a fact. Detransition, Baby is dedicated to divorced cis women. All my group chats are trading mediation tips. Everyone I go on a first date with turns out to also be a gay divorcée. A quick twitter search gave me this, which isn’t strictly linked but feels related:
— Bartender.Live (@bartender_live) April 6, 2021
Although not everyone is lucky enough to be a hot gay divorceé (yet! Life is long, stay positive!) everyone can get into the staple of the gay divorceé wardrobe: the robe. It is the first thing I (and all my friends) have wanted to buy upon putting the divorce in motion; in a better world, it would come as part of a welcome basket. It’s perfect for lounging in your new apartment with a can of wine, for taking thirst traps in, for kicking your date out of your apartment at 8 am on the dot the next morning, for sitting on your fire escape with a cigarette in a haze of despair. It does it all! And there are as many options for robes as there are gay divorceés to wear them.
Gorgeous, comfortable, silk, Black-owned; Jibri’s loungewear is the ideal divorce robe, giving you glamor and drama while remaining totally effortless, as if you completely forgot your ex was stopping by this morning to pick up the last of their things.
Target’s selection of house robes changes every season; this one isn’t one of my personal favorites, but it might be yours, and if you don’t love it yet just wait like a month. Reliable, utilitarian, machine-washable, good for lending to your date while they run to the bathroom during a sex break in case they run into the roommate that you live with now because you are, again, divorced.
Why do I want this robe so badly? Is it the drapey texture? The pockets? That all of the models on this site look like haunted GOOP writers? It looks so comfortable and also so stylish! I am so annoyed at the overall aesthetic and price point and also will probably buy this in the next 3 months.
If you like the above Turkish-style robe but are not going to cave like me and spend the money for it, these Etsy ones are similar! Pockets! Comfort of a spa robe with more style, and pleasingly ungendered!
This was designed for hot divorceés; the juxtaposition of the short length and full sleeves says you’re all business in the court hearing and a party in the (linen) sheets.
The drama! Did you divorce your ex, or did they go mysteriously missing on a yacht trip???
Perfect for hosting a boozy Sunday brunch for you and your friends to trade stories about your dates last night, and maybe volunteer to photograph each other’s thirst traps after.
Sometimes you’re not in the mood for subtlety! To be worn while having phone sex with the PNW mechanic you met on Lex.
Extreme Gillian-Anderson-in-Sex-Education vibes. Making breakfast for your date? Your children? Both? Divorced MILFs, this is your time.
Some folks’ post-divorce robe persona is very pink, and I love that for you. Send some selfies in these to the group chat please!
Some people’s post-divorce persona is leopard print! I love this for you as well! Comforting to know this is waiting for you to slip on after Zoom divorce court!
12. Heart Print Robe
Is this the final boss of gay divorcée robes? Picture it: your ex is dropping off the kids on the Monday morning of the long weekend they had them for; you answer the door in this heart-print robe, hair sexily tousled from last night, a cup of coffee in your hand. As they walk away, they hear an unfamiliar voice laughing from the kitchen at a joke you made – who is that? Love is not a a lie; it’s just not for your ex anymore!
Far be it from me to forget the backbone of the gay divorcée community: butch and masc gay divorcées. A smoking jacket is a classic; to wake up to someone fixing me eggs in the morning wearing this and some boxer briefs? Makes me want to get divorced all over again!
The butch nudes taken in these? Life-ruining! Again, extremely available to receive those!
One of the little joys of newly single life is developing your own routines and rituals, like heading out onto the stoop in the mornings to pick up the paper and waving to your hot neighbor. You could be doing that wearing this robe – you deserve it, and so does your hot neighbor.
What are your signature gay divorcée looks? Please share!!