10 Adorable and Terrifying Things My Girlfriend Said While Playing a Post-Apocalyptic Lesbian in Fallout 4

Santa brought Stacy and I a PlayStation 4 for Christmas, and also he brought us Fallout 4, because nothing says “holly jolly season” like wandering around in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with a British robot in a bowler hat. Fallout 4 is the first RPG (role-playing game) Stacy has ever gotten into, and the first shooter game she’s played since GoldenEye 007 back on her Nintendo 64 in high school. It’s also the first video game she’s ever played that includes gay romance options. In Fallout 4, you can play as a lesbian lady, a bisexual lady, a generally queer-identified lady, a lady in a polyamorous situation, and more. It’s so nonchalantly queer!

If you’re unfamiliar with Fallout 4, the concept is pretty simple: You wake up from a cryogenically frozen sleep and work your way out of a bomb shelter in 2287, 210 years after a nuclear war. You’re in Boston. Everything is wrecked. It’s time for adventure!

codsworth

“I perfected Mary Berry’s mini pear pie recipe while you were in your sleep stasis, ma’am.”

Watching Stacy get captivated by a video game has been as fun for me as actually playing a video game. Here are my ten favorite things she’s said while falling in love with Fallout 4.


10. “In my settlement, women are in charge of defense and also careers in science. Women doctors only. Men are in charge of crops. The Red Rocket matriarchy ultimately believes in equality, but it’s only been 200 years since the patriarchy was destroyed; there’s still a real #EndOfMen ethos around here.”

9. “I’m coming to bed in a minute. I just need to finish a quest to get the ballistic weave from this guy so I can wear my plaid shirt as armor.”

piper2

“Jenny Schecter, huh? Yeah, I know who killed her. But that information’s gonna cost you.”

8. “The Brotherhood wants to destroy the synths because they think synths don’t have souls. I guess no WALL-E DVDs survived the nuclear holocaust.”

7. “Huh, I guess Magnolia has three charisma checks. I’m romancing her. I’m romancing her. We’re going on a date? Wait, why did the screen fade to—oh, we’re doin’ it! She’s voiced by Lynda Carter, did you know that? I just had sex with Wonder Woman.”

6. “I’ve got two girlfriends now and they’re following me around my settlement and being passive-aggressive with each other. Cait wants to quest with me, but she hates it when I do anything nice. Piper wants to quest with me, but she just wants me to stand around and pick locks all day. We need to adopt some more dogs.”

wonderwoman

“Hang on, let me get my lasso.”

5.”That guy? Oh, he street harassed me so I killed him.”

4. “I got some leather pants to go with my plaid shirt. And this hat. And this vest. And these aviators. I may die of radiation exposure but I’ll do it looking gay as fuck.”

3.”I wish this game would let you adopt cats, too. I’d go around and find every cat in the Commonwealth and adopt them and I’d build houses just for them in my settlement with cat posters on the wall and if anyone was mean to the cats, I’d use my flame thrower on them.”

cait

“Now I’m in a poly triad and I’ve adopted ten stray dogs.”

2. “Unlike TV shows, no lesbians die in this game, motherfucker!”

1. “Ultimately, of course, I will choose Piper over Cait because Cait is a full Slytherin and Piper is more of a Hufflepuff like you.”

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle managing editor who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 854 articles for us.

89 Comments

  1. This was a great article. FO4 was the first Fallout game I ever played and I really loved it. Basically the only issue I had was that you were forced to start the game married to a man. I also played basically the same way your GF did, except I ended up romancing Curie instead of Piper.

  2. More of this please! Lesbians and video game jokes are what I live for :p Also now I have no choice but to get Fallout 4. Kudos on the solid advertising, otherwise I wouldn’t have known how gay you could make it.

  3. I’m writing this from my office bathroom because I couldn’t contain my laughter and looked crazier than usual laughing alone at my desk. I want to play Fallout with you guys so badly now.

    I didn’t know that you could get your lady lovin on in Fallout 4. When I figured it out I was on the phone with my brother discussing why I think the Sole Survivor saving her son is a bad idea, when I maxed out Cait’s affection. My brother got quite the commentary ending with:
    OMG WE’RE KISSING!!! GIRLS CAN KISS GIRLS IN THE COMMONWEALTH!!! I NEED TO GO FIND PIPER.

    It was maybe a bit extreme but I spent forever trying to make out with my female companions on SWTOR, so this was almost as big a deal for me as when I actually kissed a girl for the first time.

  4. Oh this reminds me of things!

    When I first met my gf she told me she was into gaming and I went to her house to watch her play. I have solidly not been into anything since N64 so I didn’t know what to expect. She opened up Fallout and the first thing I saw was this female character running around an apocalyptic world in this bright yellow trench coat. She had modded all of the clothes.

    She has recently gotten me into Skyrim only because I could play as a cat human. Instead of fighting I go around collecting flowers and calm things like this. She also told me that you can’t die during the intro where the dragon attacks.

    I did.

  5. FO4 is the bomb. especially on PC, the mods one can download are just glorious. [Danse, one of the companions can be turned into Buzz Lightyear.]

    Cait’s my fave though, i have a similar backstory to hers [former addict, abusive parent.] so her and i get along very well.

  6. You can start with “Fallout: New Vegas”. It’s got an ultimate edition on STEAM for $20 with several DLC. It’s got several queer companions, and you don’t have to start out married to a man.

    Here’s the companion played by Felicia Day. She’s a lesbian.

  7. ALSO GUYS, THE LINDA CARTER THING IS A ONE TIME DEAL! ITS NOT YOU, IT’S THE STAGE!! But one of my coworkers was like, bringing her gifts and stuff, wondering what he did wrong and why she won’t go out with him again. It was precious.

  8. Great commentary! It makes me wanna get back to playing fallout 4. I got sidetracked with school and didn’t have a chance during spring break because I was too busy getting drunk and restoring order in New York in Tom Clancy’s the Division.

  9. Got to love Bethesda! In skyrim your female character could marry a woman!

    But I think EA Games was one of the first. I remember playing The Sims (3?) like 12 years ago and having same seks relationships, with children. Not as exciting as what you can do in Fallout 4 of course..

    • You could have same sex relationships from Sims 2. But you couldn’t be Polyamourous without people getting jealous, even though aspiring to be in love with 10 people at once was a thing. I loved the Sims. And also Skyrim. And…I spend too much of my life on computer games.

  10. 4) is actually exactly how I play. I was like “I can wear plaid, oh I don’t care if I die I’m wearing plaid” I apply this in as many games as possible.

    I was going to restart DAI today but I may play fallout 4 now…

  11. Most of my settlers have just been female by luck. Also, one day a female settler turns up wearing a trilby and flannel. I swear there must be a lez algorithm somewhere in this game.

    Also, the haircuts. Short and undercut hair both have good looking options, which wasn’t the case in Skyrim and I didn’t expect from a game set in the faux-50s. You too can be a future queer rockabilly!

    • It’s set in 2287. 1950s culture continued in an alternate history and future until 2077 when nuclear war devastated the planet.

      My wife and I may or may not have been obsessed with this franchise for ten years. 😉

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