This recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog, The Road Best Straddled, in 2007. It has been reposted on Autostraddle.com in all its messy, outdated, poorly formatted glory.

This week’s episode is called “Lez Girls.” I have no idea why. I sure hope they dissect it for me.

Wanna see something really freaky? This is Phyllis’s family at the Carnival. If you are wondering, yes, her children are aliens. Just like, look at this picture really hard and tell me if you don’t think that’s the talking baby from the Quizno’s commercial, but decapitated and pasted on the body of a 3-year-old?

This week I am going to add “Lesbian Sexy Moments” to the list of things I’m keeping track of. because no one has actual sex on “The L Word” anymore. I mean, your Mom gets laid more than “The L Word,” unless your name is Angelica Portard, as in “Hey Poortard, how’s your two Moms, you big GAY-MO?”

I want you to know that all I’ve done so far is upload a bunch of screencaps and I’ve already gone back to the refrigerator three times for more Neapolitan Ice Cream, which I think is important.

OK sorry, real quick: there’s this “Secret Lives of Swingers” documentary on “WE” right now where this woman just said that swinging is great for her husband and her because “It allows us to sample many different flavors of deserts.” Coincidence?

I’m not watching it. I’m just flipping through.

This week I watched “The L Word” with Heather and Lainy. Haviland couldn’t come because of the Super Bowl. Just kidding. Her family is in town. But she was, in fact, being subjected to the Super Bowl with her family as we were watching “The L Word,” so she asked Heather for a “play-by-play.” We decided instead that in order to have her spirit here with us, we’d make up things that we think she might say if she had been here.

Mirror Mirror

Who’s Getting Off With It?: Max removes his fake limp dick, which is my least favorite part of the male anatomy (limp dicks, not hard ones. hard ones are fine, I mean, for a long time I didn’t ever see a limp one because you know, I was there, so obviously, anyway.)… you know what Max needs? A pair of Hugo boss briefs!

This Week in The Way That We Live: The Song
If it wasn’t for that annoying ringing in my ear and some unresolved feelings about the Ghost of Ms. Fairbanks, this might count as a sexy moment (but I can’t make it count like, every week. Though who knows, maybe there will be something else here next week. Why don’t stories happen between the core cast itself, instead of all these extraneous stories with 2-episode actors and random new cast members ? I wanna see some Helena-Alice tension, some Jenny-Shane late-night girlfriend/roommate/sexy-time tension, some Tina being involved remotely with anyone we care about, etc.) Anyhow, hot:

OK just one more thing: they shot NEW footage for this scene, and got the very best Sims layout to be the background, which means that the Sho-people were sitting at a table saying “Let’s shoot some new footage to put with that OLD SONG that EVERYONE HATES for next season!” Like, I just think if they are messing around with their shit, they should maybe mess around with the song. Seriously, I’d even be down with like, “Come to my Window” or “Closer to Fine”–hm. I wish Amy Ray dated someone on “The L Word.” OMG. You know who would do a killer opening song?

PEACHES.

Someone start a petition NOW. C’mon, I’m serious.

For those of you who don’t listen to the Planet Podcast: WHY NOT? I recommend you download it now. Because Kelka have their fingers on the pulse of the lesbian nation, I would like to share this convo from their last podcast with you:

Elka: It’s not only lesbians who watch “The L Word.”
K.C: Durr.
Elka: Dave Chapelle isn’t watching “The L Word” for the relationship drama. A lot of people watch “The L Word” to see some nip. What’s going on?
K.C.: I don’t know but I think maybe you’re predicting next week’s heterosexual sex scene.
Elka: What are you talking about?
K.C: Right now, you’re like “there isn’t enough sex,” and whenever we complain about something it happens the next week. So right now you’re like “I wish there was more sex”–let’s be more specific here. “There needs to be more lesbian sex. “
Elka:Not just gay sex–“
K.C: Nipples…
Elka: Well, actually, gay sex would be alright. Any kind of gay sex. Girl or boys.
K.C: Or Max. I don’t know what kind of sex that is, but it’s kinda gay.
Elka: Or just naked ladies.

It seems there is nothing we can do to stop the force, no matter how careful we are.

Little BRATZ
This girl, the Wanny, is basically a blow-up doll. Everything that she says you could imagine receiving from pulling the string in her back. “I am good at up and down motions!” “I was hoping you could give me a guitar lesson.” “Please stick your cock in my mouth!” “OOO that tickles!”

Really? Really?!! Really? Seriously, I am watching the clock and waiting for this to be over.

Um, Ew. UM EWWWWWWWW

Um. EWWWWW!!!

(This woman on the swingers documentary just said swinging is “like Pictionary”!?!!)
(Yeah, I’m still watching it.)

Bette raided the closet of Samantha the American Girl today:

Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear of Nadia: Jodi is your cool aunt who always lets you do things your parents won’t let you do and says things you didn’t think anyone would really say in public (except me). I heart her, especially when she calls Bette out re: Nadia, who “doesn’t exactly have a poker face.” Yeah she has more of a Single-White-Female-ish face lately.

Jodi: Are you still sleeping with Nadia?
Bette: Excuse me?
Tom: She said ‘are you still fucking Nadia’?
Bette: Thank you, I got the gist of it. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Jodi confesses that she had an affair with a girl at Columbia. That’s funny because Heather and Lainy and I were just discussing how our ‘hood (which is the Columbia hood) is the new Provincetown. Because the three of us live here. AND apparently, also Jodi’s ex-gf, Britney.

Heather: I hope when they hook up, he’s in the bed interpreting.
Lainy: Why don’t they have a lesbian be the interpreter? THREESOME!!

Jodi tells her not to be too careful, because careful is “dreary.” I think Peggy Peabody gave similar advice once, right? (Am I wrong?) Remember Peggy’s interpretor who told her what her Italian lover was saying? That was AWESOME.

I think that Jenny accidentally put on Angus’ anal beads instead of a necklace this morning, or else that’s a piece of Angelica’s mobile. The one that Bette got for her, remember that? Back in Season Two, when the story was fucked up, but people still had sex?

Heather: Is this The Dog Whisperer?

Lindsay asks Jenny out for a drink/meal. I love Lesbian FantasyLand. I mean that. I love it. It’s like The Rubyfruit Jungle.

I seriously am going to scream. I can’t believe we are seeing more action right here between these two than we have with any girl on girl action ALL GODDAMN SEASON. This is absolutely absurd.

Side Note: She has nice legs and a nice ass. Why can’t she jump on the lesbian bandwagon?

This is Like When People Get All Uppity About my Top 12: Shane is listening to Kit’s new jam at the Planet when Papi shows up to bust out with some more trademark Random-Ass-Awesome.

Papi: “Now that you’re in my solar system, I can’t have you dimming my stars and shit.”
Kit: “You must be kidding!”
Shane: “Yeah, seriously man, that’s not my thing, that’s Alice.”
Papi: “Fuck, man, I’m just fucking with you. Like the foxy lady say, I’m just kidding …”

Ge that? That’s the Foxy Brown reference.

It’s the HoneyMOON Phase. MOON. Moons are Circles! Phyllis and Alice come back to the hallway where Alice and Helena live. Clearly Alice is a little overwhelmed by Phyllis. Poor girl. She’s just another star in the constellation, just another moon in the orbit … um … any other astrology metaphors, e-mail me.

Buy it Now on Amazon Dot Com! Why is Alice the one receiving the “Whole Lesbian Sex Book”? Phyllis is the new lesbian, not Alice. Alice should be giving it to her. But I guess that would be something that Alice could do if she wanted to be Phyllis’ girlfriend, which she doesn’t.

Lainy: I have that book!
Heather: Volumes One, Two and Three!
Me: (to Heather) Really?
Heather: No, I was talking about Lainy.
Lainy (yes, again):I have that book!

+

Heather: Can we talk about the tan line on her boobs?

Me:I like how that’s where you were looking.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #6: Reach for the STARS!
Who’s Getting off with It?: Alice and Phyllis
Phyllis thinks the book will be fun because they can “experiment.”
She’s a brand-new lesbian. Isn’t everything an experiment right now?
Alice’s underwear is really cute. It matches the bra I just took off.

Jenny:“You’re kinda sexy–and you have nice tits and you’re sweating under your arms and you’re nervous and I want to kiss you.”
Lindsey: “And I feel like kissing you but I can’t.”
Jenny: “Why?”
Lindsey: “Because I have a girlfriend!”

I think I want to create a new orientation called “deviantsexual” where your primary attraction is to transgression in general, in whatever context. Since we live in a puritanical repressive political climate, lesbian sex is always transgressive, and especially so when she looks like Lindsey and has a girlfriend who is a vagina wig.

JENNY MOMENT
“But you know what? Own the shit that happens to you as a child because it can make you better as an adult.”

They Just Need a Nanny-Cam, or a Manny/Wanny Cam

Tina and Henry are blah-blahing about something and then they see Angus and Blow-up-Barbie talking on the steps. And by “talking” I mean sucking face.

You know who would be a good babysitter? Helena.

I’ll Play With Your Date
Shane is standing on the side of the road with Shay, who is reading comic books and trying to figure out how to fly and see through walls so that he can get another smoothie and a Nintendo Wii.+”If the playdate goes well, we might try for a sleepover.”
-Shane

Bette gets “The New Yorker” off the rack, blocking my view of Lindsay Lohan on the cover of “Elle.”

Bette: “Lez Girls, by Jennifer Shecter.”

(get it? “Lez Girls? Oh–)

Shane: “Oh! nice play on words!”

((get it? well, if you don’t, then–)

Bette: “Leh-girls, Jenny. Very cute.”

(get it now? This is how it works. It’s like the word has two meanings? Get it?)

The Employee Formerly Known as Max: Max, ever the optimist, is writing a resignation e-mail to his boss on his computer, because that’s what he does. He works with computers. He does computer searches. And technology? Max’s Boss tells Max that Brooke goes through guys like she goes through clothes, and he doesn’t know what’s the matter with her. PHEW!

This is Paige taking her clothes off:

Lesbian Sexy Moment: MILF
Who’s Getting Off With It?”: Paige is taking off her shirt. That’s you know, something.

Lainy was squealing during this scene that Bette and Tina were gonna get back together. I was squealing that Bette’s earrings and shirt are far more unforgivable than anything that Tina wants to bring up about the Carpenter.

Lesbian Squabble #9: At Least They Agreed on the Cobb Salad
In the Ring: Bettina.
Content/Result: Tina wants to tell Kit about the Manny’s transgressions. Because this is Bette and Tina, it snowballs into a conversation about being lied to about cheating. They both lose, because they are both dressed like they’re on their way to their nightly engagement at the Tiki Lounge, and that’s bad for everyone. Also I think Cobb salad is gross.

I think Tina misses fighting with Bette. She’s a total sadist, it’s awesome.

Heather is getting really upset because people keep talking with food in their mouth. This started happening with Jenny and Stacey’s deviant date, and if the Cobb Salad had come in the scene before, you can bet that Bette and Tina would be chompin’ away.

What About the Gold Lame Dress?

Alice is eating and reading the story out loud, in which her character, “Elise”: “clung to the bisexual label not out of any genuine affection for men; she clung to it out of sheer fashion desperation.”

“Our joke about her character is that she always says she’s bisexual, but she really isn’t, she just wants to be like, “I’m open to anything”, because she’s that kind of person,’ explained Guinevere Turner in an interview for AfterEllen.com. ‘Except for Alice’s stint with Lisa, which goes so wrong, she doesn’t ever really act on her bisexuality.’”
-DIVA Magazine, “The B Word: Bisexuality in ‘The L Word‘”

This show is making me feel like Beavis and Butthead. Especially this scene.

Do it. heh. heheheheh. doooo it. do it. heh he heh. kiss her! yeah! yeah! heheh

Lesbian Sexy Moment: DO IT!
Who’s Getting it Off?: Paige and Shane.

I think Shane is still sad about Carmen, because she is so timid and nervous about all of it and totally has no game now. Like she’s afraid she might hurt Paige, which is likely, I suppose. I wouldn’t hurt Paige. I want Paige to hurt me, namely by pushing me up against a wall really hard and making out with me. That’s pretty much all I want in a woman.

Paige: But sometimes I feel like I’m a million years old. And before I know it, I will be too old and wretched to pick up the pieces.
Shane: Oh, please, you’re beautiful, I don’t think you have to worry about that.
Paige: Are you hitting on me?

In my fantasty-land, that’s where the music starts and they start making out.

This show is almost like, Sci-Fi, you know? It’s like Star Trek or some other magical world, where as soon as something comes up: Helena, want to cater a party? Here–you are gifted with the gift of cookery, go forth and frost cookies! (Helena has a convo here with Mr. Phyllis, who is eating and talking at the same time and Heather is getting really annoyed)

Heather: “I think Haviland would really like Alice’s outfit.”

Lesbian Squabble #10: Since I’m Currently Writing A Book About Real Things, This Is Basically My Worst Nightmare.
In the Ring: Alice and Jenny.
Content/Result: This fight gave me actual anxiety. It was so real–like friends fighting how friends really fight. I assume this was improv. She tries to get Shane in on the fight by telling her about her character, Sean, the “makeup artist” who “sleeps with a lot of girls,” but Shane says “That’s not bad.” Jenny gets Max to defend her, which he does, because he’s being a dude on a couch, and that’s what dudes on couches do.

I present THE QUOTE OF THE WEEK, THIS WEEK IN ‘CONVERSATION’ FORM

Jenny: Hey, Alice, you know, there’s this crazy, weird thing that happens when you write. As a writer–
Alice: Wait– is this a lesson?
Jenny: Yeah!
Alice: In writing?!
Jenny: Yeah!
Alice: From Jenny Schecter?!
Jenny: Yeah!
Alice: Oh, FUCK, let me grab a pen!
Jenny: Get a pad too! So this thing that happens when you write is you draw from your own life, and then in turn, you take those experiences and you use something called imagination, Alice —
Alice:Oh, imagination! God, so that’s the thing you were lacking when you could barely change our names, huh?

Jenny: “Just a second. You guys ….(pretends to be listening for something) do you … do you hear that?”
(pause)
Jenny: “Oh, my God, it’s Monet. Monet has come back from the dead and he wants me to give you a message. He says, “I am so sorry for sitting in front of my pond in France and sketching those water lilies and using the water lilies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend, Alice.”
Alice: “Right, right. Oh, wait, he’s talking to me! So weird. Huh? (doing the listening thing again) What? OK, I’ll tell her. He said don’t ever fucking compare yourself to him.”

+

All I want right now is for Seth Cohen to appear out of nowhere (which wouldn’t really be out of form for this show, honestly) to say “Oh, Snap!”

Fast Times at the Donor Dinner:

I liked it when Bette said “Oh, I get plenty dirty.”

---

The Squabble Continues…

Alice: “Do you know who made this hat? Who made this hat, Jenny?”
Jenny: “I would guess the lead singer of the Village People.”

OO this is a fun game. Let’s guess who made Papi’s hat. Okay, pick me. I would guess the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Let’s guess who wrote this show. I would guess a nun, but not the Season-3-nuns who got it on in alleyways or on the bus.

(Do you hear this song? It just referenced a Baby-Daddy)

Re: Tasha, the New Girl:

Me: OMG she’s just like my Mom’s ex-girlfriend, she was a track coach and NEVER smiled. Just like this girl.
Heather: I totally want to see this girl wearing a whistle.

And Then She Got High…Bette is smokin’ up with Jody and Tom. Jody is for sure your fun aunt, and Bette is so cool when she’s high. Tom is so excited to see ‘The Ice Queen’ break down. Bette explains that: “It’s actually really useful to make people think that you’re impenetrable, because then you make everyone wants you then you get all these really great invitations.”

Bette: “There was this one time that Tina and I were on this really big yacht, and Tina and I were in our state-room and Valentino was on the tent in these black speedos, and the senator comes into our room with this big boner–“

Heather: I want to know sign language for “black speedo.”

Bette Ctd: “I yelled and Tina dove under the covers, I don’t know why they all think they can invite themselves into our bed.”

There’s a few porn films that might illuminate the origins of that illusion.

Maybe They Could Settle This On the Court?A hot girl comes to talk to Shane and Papi busts in on them because she’s 12, and says shit so stupid I can’t even type it here without throwing up all over the keyboard.

Lesbian Sexy Moment: You Know, Forget the Starbucks….
Who’s Getting it Off?: Jenny and Alice.

Jenny panics when she sees her nemesis and the new love of her life headed her way:

Somehow this actress–the one who plays Lindsey–she just comes off so real. Like, I believe every scene that she’s in. Also did I mention how much I love Jenny the Loon? Remember when she said “a little”? That was awesome.

Side Note: It’s like the semi-bisexual makeout scene. How fashionable!

It’s Like Alice is the New Shane: Alice is tired of all the drama, like Eminem, and so she goes outside to talk to the mysterious Tasha, who is actually sort of enacting Bette’s above-mentioned theory. Alice makes Tasha smile, finally. Also they make a date for Tasha to take Alice on her motorcycle at 120 miles an hour.

Helena has an accident and calls Alice to bring her stuff to fix it. Alice shows up like she’s been teleported. I think this show has an element of magical realism to it. Or maybe I’m just tired.

Then they have the pleasure of interacting with Mr. and Mrs. Phyllis, and Mr. Phyllis really likes the hat. Now she can never wear it again, and she got it from the Hard Rock ‘cos it was designed by the Village People.

I know I showed you that photo at the start, but here’s what they look like all grown up and without the alien babies. Alice sees the family photo and gets scared that Phyllis’ devil alien babies are going to bash her over the head with meatball subs while she is sleeping and dreaming of stars and circles.

Meanwhile, Dean Porter and Jody are sharing some sexual banter….

Lesbian Almost Sexy Moment: I Feel So High!
Who’s Getting it Off?: Bette and Jody
Bette is being so bad, and it feels so good.

Jody: “Do you know how to shotgun?”
Bette: “Well, you’re just going to have to find out.”

Their romance is interrupted by a noise in the brushes! It is Phallice!

Welcome, Phyllis, to the World Of Dyke Drama! You’re a NATURAL!
(p.s. remember what I said about Alice being the new Shane?)

Alice: “I’m just saying I don’t think I feel comfortable doing this anymore.”
Phyllis: “Alice, I’ve never felt this way before about anyone–”
Alice: “Listen, I don’t wanna do this with him inside. Really, it’s not right I think I should go–”
Phyllis: “Alice–”
Alice: “Can you let go of my hands, please?”
Phyllis: “Alice–I love you.”
Alice: “Oh My God-can you let go of my hands, please?—Thank You.”

They play Jill Sobule. If Haviland was here, we could talk about when she sang “I Kissed A Girl” with her on the cruise. But she’s not here.

Here’s a List of Things That Are Allegedly Going to Happen Which I Find Sexually Promising:

-Shane and Paige, another playdate
-Tasha and Alice, a motorcycle ride
-Bette and Jody, Bette getting plenty dirty
-Hoe-bag, getting fired

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