Woke “Yellowstone” Cowgirls Kiss, Ruin Real Americans’ Favorite Show

Until this week, the only thing I knew about the TV show Yellowstone is that Republicans fucking love it. I have guessed a few things from the commercials, such as: Kevin Costner is the prickish president of the Wild West, and the father/grandfather to a lot of dillholes in cowboy hats. There’s a bunch of horse-riding involved in Kevin Costner’s machinations. Another woman one time pulled a knife on whoever Piper Perabo is on the show. And I think there’s a prequel where Helen Mirren goes around pointing a shotgun at a lot of men, saying, “Get your ass outta here!” It’s the only show people from my hometown post about on Facebook, which says way more than any summary I could give you. This past week, especially, Yellowstone viewers have been in absolute hysterics on social media, screaming WOKE! WOKE! WOKE RUINING WOKERS! Which, of course means something gay happened.

Clare kisses another woman at the state fair in Yellowstone.

I watched only the one episode, “The Dream Is Not Me,” because Yellowstone is like five seasons long  — and so now here’s what I know: Kevin Costner is actually the governor of Montana and the patriarch of a cattle ranch. Piper Perabo is his love interest/antagonist. His assistant is named Clara, and he finds out she’s gay at the same time we do: when he peeps her kissing another woman, who’s wearing the most enormous lesbian belt buckle you have ever seen in your entire life, at the county fair. He’s not bothered by it, and actually uses their big gay public affection as an excuse to do some of his own boring straight public affection. I don’t even think the belt buckle girl has a name. Maybe I should give her one. Patty. No, Patti. Clara and Patti kiss in the background so Kevin Costner and Piper Perabo can kiss in the foreground (behind his cowboy hat).

So by my mathematical estimation, that’s 48 hours of Kevin Costner on a horse doing cow things, and two seconds of Clara and Patti smooching. Alas:

One other thing I noticed during my one-episode watchalong is that Kevin Costner’s family are THE VILLAINS. I think maybe this show was already WOKE??? Either way, you can’t fight the moonlight. Good luck, Clara and Patti!

You can stream the first four seasons of Yellowstone on Peacock and the most recent season on Paramount+, which you probably know as the Star Trek/Good Fight app.


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Heather Hogan

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her wife, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 1532 articles for us.

38 Comments

  1. Real Americans will never be tRump supporters. They are ‘real’ traitors to America though. Move to Belarus Republican Jack offs. I will now enjoy the rest of my day thoroughly knowing you redneck Meatheads don’t like Yellowstone anymore.

  2. This is hilarious timing, as I finally gave in to my parents’ repeated extolling the virtues of Yellowstone like two weeks ago- I gave it a try, and I have to say I’m HOOKED. I told my parents that it’s literally the only non-gay-ass show I watch at all, but I guess I can’t keep saying that haha (altho xx above is right, Michaela Conlin’s ill-fated journalist in S1 does have a girlfriend).

    • Do not like Piper much less the role she is playing. I don’t know what has happened to my tastes but l don’t enjoy this show like I first did. I do think they should get rid of Piper

  3. Yellowstone might be the hottest show in red state america, but that has as much to do with how those watching the show interpret it. For example, when a tourist taking photos on the Dutton ranch tells John Dutton that “no one should own this much land” it didn’t seem to me that we, the viewers, were meant to disagree with this. So often, when I read articles about how it’s a “conservative” show they cite the super rich jerk Californians who are moving into Montana, but these people generally are jerks.
    Mostly, it’s a western take on The Godfather. Not particularly well-written–the female characters in particular are just so one note–but this California progressive can’t stop watching.

  4. Oh my God, he’s the governor of Montana now? When did that happened, I dropped the show somewhere in season 3 after the violent rape of the female lead.

    The creator had this to say about the show being called a red state GOP propaganda.

    While speaking to The Atlantic … Sheridan said: “They refer to it as ‘the conservative show’ or ‘the Republican show’ or ‘the red-state Game of Thrones, and I just sit back laughing.”

    “I’m like, ‘Really?’ The show’s talking about the displacement of Native Americans and the way Native American women were treated and about corporate greed and the gentrification of the West, and land-grabbing. That’s a red-state show?”

    • Oh, interesting! I keep seeing references to this show, spin-offs/prequels in my face on streaming platforms, so I recently checked out the trailer for S1. I was *immediatel* put off by the narrative of the Duttons trying to “defend their land” from the local indigenous people trying to reclaim theirs. I just assumed the show was sympathetic to the protagonists in this, and basically said “what is this settler colonial bullshit?” and turned it off. But now I’m intrigued.

      I do sometimes like a show where the anti-heroes get what’s coming to ’em, so I hope they take Yellowstone in that kind of direction. But maybe I’ll wait until they do?

      Besides, I still have Reservation Dogs to catch up on!

  5. “Either way, you can’t fight the moonlight. Good luck, Clara and Patti!”

    LOLZ! Comment Award nomination to YOU, Heather.

    [FYI: I love the SF Giants, past and present, more than my next heartbeat, but I wouldn’t piss on 2010 WS Champs Giants star Aubrey Huff if he were on fire. (He might secretly enjoy that.)]

  6. Hey, don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. Clara looks really hot on a horse and knows how to ride. And I’m a dyed in the wool lesberado coastal elite leftist and I adore Yellowstone. Watch 1883 and you’ll appreciate the antithesis of Little House on the Prairie.

  7. Started watching this show bc my parents love it and I don’t know what I like about it but I can’t stop watching. There are lesbians in season 1 too! Either ep 5 or 6. Two women on vacation, one in a boat, one fly fishing, and one refers to the other as “babe.”

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