Here’s the thing, when a person with a vagina reaches a certain age (or if there are any number of any other variables present), one might experience arousal but without a body’s DIY lubrication. (Some people hate the word “moist,” but friend, I hate the word “dry” so we shan’t be saying that again.) Let me tell you however what a person who’s 30+ may do about this — it’s simple, adds like one step, and offers maximum rewards.

Lube. Just lube. Lube for regular sex, with or without toys. Lube anytime, for anything. It’s lube!

Practically, I like to have a water-based (so safe for silicon), fragrance free lube on hand. The most recently purchased one is this one from Babeland. (Did you know A+ members get a discount to Babeland? Yep! It’s true!) But honestly, I’m pretty brand agnostic. Good Clean Love is also good! And I think even KY’s natural feeling lube is decent in a pinch.

So, how do you bring up the need for lube with partners / with yourself?

When it comes to yourself, obviously, conveniently, you can just say yes to yourself! If it’s that easy, then enjoy, my friend. But it might not be, right? Like, so maybe you’re getting older, and you’ve never needed lube before, even if masturbating with a toy. Maybe your body just always “took care of it” the same way your body used to be able to pull all-nighters (lol I can barely do this anymore) or subsist on junk food and feel relatively okay or bounce back after sleeping on a less-than-ideal surface. And now, because your body is getting older, it’s not doing what it used to do in the same ways. I am here to say this is okay! Just like it’s okay to go to bed a little earlier or to go get a cancer screening or to give in and wear some shoes with a some more arch support, it is also okay to slather your favorite electric-colored “marital aid” with some lube because you know that it will make things easier and more fun. Look, what’s the point in getting older if we don’t also get wiser and give less of a fuck? (Except for where giving a fuck matters and is about self-care and fucking, um better.) If you think or know something could make your life better, why not do it? Lube’s not hugely expensive and hey, a little goes a long way.

However, you might want to have some kind of version of The Talk (The Lube Talk™, specifically) before bringing it into the bedroom (or kitchen or camping tent or whatever) with your partner. There can be a lot of weird feelings wrapped up in like, not getting as wet as you used to and whether that means something like how attracted you are to any individual sexual partner, but I am here to tell you that it’s okay and to throw your shame out the window along with any scented lube you might have purchased or been gifted because simply — absolutely no. Why do they even make that stuff? I recommend making sure to be clear with your partner(s) that you think they’re hot, that you’re very down for sex, and that you just need some assistive technology. That technology is lube. Honestly, the mental barrier here is probably the biggest one because lube is very simply, facilitation in its purest, most liquid form.

And having The Lube Talk™ will be so worth it! I think a good way to start this might be with broaching the conversational topic guaranteed to perk the ears of any sex-enjoying partner, which is “how can we make the sex we have even better? A key is to frame this as an enhancement. Your body is not a problem to be solved! And sex is something you can take seriously and talk about openly and put effort toward enjoying even more. I think that coming at something like this from the standpoint of all being people with a mutual goal, trying to reach that goal (good and comfortable sex) is helpful. You’re not against each other, you’re here for each other, and just like introducing a vibrator or a dildo into the bedroom isn’t an indictment of anyone’s sexual capabilities, neither is introducing ‘the lube’. Because when you’ve told each other in great detail just how hot you think each other is, and your hands and face and thighs and nethers are slick with lube, well, you know what comes next!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!