Hello! For those of you who do not know me, I’ve been recapping The Fosters since the pilot episode for AfterEllen. But now I am here to recap it for you, lovely Autostraddle readers. I am the mother to two charmingly delinquent daughters. I birthed the first one and my heavenly wife carried the second. Other things you need to know: I over-identify with Stef, think Lena is sheer perfection (and blame stupid decisions she has made on bad writing — Lena is a goddess), think Mariana is the best kid, and that Brandon is the absolute worst. Also, Mariana and Emma should date.
Previously, Brandon can’t go to Juilliard because he took the SATs for some kid. He also broke up with his girlfriend, Cortney, via letter like some kind off five-year-old. Verdict: Still the worst. Jude and Noah have been smoking a lot of pot, doing gay stuff together, and Jude has grown seven feet and become a cranky teen. Verdict: I miss the old Judicorn. Jesús shot himself in the head with a nail gun (file under sentences you never think you will have to write) and is currently knocked out because Nick (Mariana’s unstable, ex-boyfriend) punched him in the face. Verdict: possibly on his way to a head transplant for the second season in a row. Mariana is out of her mind on Jesús’ ADHD meds and is about a day away from a Paily noir fever dream. Verdict: Jesse Spano would have seen this coming. Callie is literally in the car with a murderer. Verdict: that’s so Callie. Stef and Lena are trying to keep their house, have an actual sex life, and keep their children from dying or committing felonies. Score: DOOMED.
Callie is getting a ride from Martha Johnson’s grandson/murderer. Once she finds this out over the phone from Aaron she is like, “Oh good, you found Mariana, cool! I’ll be right back.” When the killer starts ranting and won’t let Callie out of the car she grabs the wheel (just think of the “Jesus take the wheel” jokes missed by having Callie in this scene instead of her brother!) and they crash. Callie runs out of the car and keeps going, Forrest Gump-style, when murder boy starts shouting at her. Murder boy sees that there are people hurt and flees the scene of the accident.
Jesús is on a backboard and joking his way to the hospital with Stef when he smells gasoline and starts having a seizure. My little brother once had a seizure while I was home and it was scary as fuck to watch all six-foot four-inches of him crumple to the floor and convulse. Stef freaks out, which is normal, and refuses to leave Jesús’ side when they get to the ER. Finally, after Jesús seizes again the doctor is like, “Remove the lesbian so I can work.”
Aaron calls Callie, who is hiding out from the murderer, to ask her what kind of gibberish she was talking on the phone. Aaron shows up on his motorcycle and tells Callie that she should go to the police to tell them about the accident. He gives her a list of things not to mention, which obviously ensures they will be the first things she says to the cops. Good lord, son. You do not know how this girl works. Callie makes the smart decision to call her moms before going to the police, and finds out about Jesús.
Brandon gets a walking through town/soulful music flashback to when he broke up with Cortney because he was moving across the country. Think he mentioned making out with that girl before his audition? I’m going with no. As he is reminiscing in the driveway of Cortney’s house like a creep, she drives up, and when he mentions that he got busted illegally taking a test for someone else she decides he is irresistible and they fuck on the floor covered with her kid’s toys. It is literally the unsexiest thing in the history of television. [Editor’s note: Is it unsexier than the time Brandon made a “little engine that could” joke about his own erection, Lucy? Is it??]
Back at the hospital Lena charges in with Emma and Mariana in tow. Mariana is super out of it and Emma tells Lena why. Good for you, Emma Earp! Stef comes out before Lena can yell at Mariana. Inevitably, things get worse! Not only is Jesús unconscious but he is also potentially in trouble for assaulting Nick. Stef tells the officer that she’s a cop and if he wants to talk to her kid she’s going to be there. This family last caught a break in 1987.
When they head back to talk Jesús gets mad that the cops are questioning why he hauled off and slugged Nick. He smells gas again and Stef realizes he’s about to seize so she starts shouting for doctors, nurses, anyone!
Jude and Noah, the fourteen-year-old brain trust, are skulking around the docks looking for a place to smoke some weed. They use their whiteboy privilege to lie their way onto a boat and proceed to be stupid teenagers. They smoke up, eat a bunch of chips they find onboard, start to get naked, and then have to run off the boat because the owner comes back. Brandon and Cortney are searching for Jude and find him and Noah when they sprint off the dock and fly into the back of the car. Bonnie and Clyde picking up Beavis and Butthead. Cortney drops the brothers at the hospital and agrees to take high af Noah home. Next time just leave her a flaming bag of poop, okay Brandon?
Lena hauls Mariana in to see a doctor after her little adderall binge. Lena is piiiiiissed. I love pissed off Lena. She has QUESTIONS for Mariana. How long has she been stealing meds? Why would she do this? And dear lord what the fuck is wrong with you delinquent teens? Mariana lies her butt off but it’s cool because Mama is drug testing your stupid butt.
Callie tries to get info about the other crash victims but, you know, HIPAA. Hey, Callie: maybe stop trying to break the law for ten seconds and see how that goes? Aaron, the voice of reason, thinks Callie should talk to her moms about the accident and any judgment call from now through her 37th birthday (just to be safe).
Jesús’ brain is swelling so they have to drill a hole and monitor the pressure in his head. You know from Grey’s Anatomy this is no big deal but also that the person has a 75% chance of having a near-death experience from it. So get ready for some soft lighting.
While they put in one of those things that tells you when a turkey is done cooking, Lena decides she’s gotta go pray. Correct me if I am wrong but I am pretty sure Lena has been pretty disinterested in religion for four and a half seasons. This feels a bit weird in terms of choices. But if my kid was having brain surgery I might say a prayer, you know, just in cases.
Cortney comes back to the hospital to give Brandon his phone and a piece of her mind. She’s not his backup plan so fuck off, dude. Good work, Cort; that guy is a disaster. Speaking of messy, AJ and Mike are having a heart-to-heart over the stupid crap Callie and AJ said to each other (you know, before she got into the car with a murderer). Mike tells AJ that if Ana broke up with him every time he said something dumb he would have been single ages ago. Mike may be dopey, but this is actually decent advice. People screw up and sometimes we forgive them.
Brandon comes clean to Callie about the SAT fiasco but the poor guy doesn’t know how he can tell Stef with everything else going on. Way to make Jesús’ brain injury about you, Brandon. #ThatsSoBrandon.
Callie and AJ apologize to each other and then Aaron appears. AJ looks jealous but he offers to apologize for being stupid. He and Aaron have a nice moment apologizing for saying dumb shit until AJ mentions not knowing that Aaron is trans. When Callie told AJ he felt like a bigger jerk for making fun of Aaron being small. Aaron forgives AJ, but he doesn’t looked thrilled with Callie. Callie, you fucked up big time.
Good guy Mike has everyone’s stuff from the festival and a special gift for Brandon. He bought a NYC guidebook a year ago because he was sure Brandon would get into Juilliard. Whoops. Brandon doesn’t mention that he also got himself unaccepted by virtue of committing academic fraud.
Lena is in the chapel talking to a crucifix, as one does, I guess. This plot feels out of character for Lena but we’ll roll with it, I suppose. I cannot roll with Sherri Saum crying. It’s too damn sad! Stef brings Lena a sweater and holds her hand for a while. They are very sweet in the little time we see them together in this episode.
Emma Earp has some words for Mariana. It’s her fault that Jesús got his head bashed in. If she hadn’t been running around with Nick none of this would have happened. Mat overhears the whole thing and is like, “Wait, you’ve been seeing that guy? After he came to your house with a gun?”
Aaron wants a word with Callie. I got really pissed about Callie outing him in the last episode. I think it was the wrong choice especially for the show to leave it for six months between episodes. I think they are trying to make up for it here by having Aaron tell Callie that outing a trans person is wrong, dangerous, and could cost him his life. She apologizes and he accepts it but man I wish they hadn’t left this unsaid for half a year (or, you know, done it at all).
The moms send everyone home, now that Jesús is out of surgery, and tell them not to cause any more trouble. Frankly, it would be easier to tell Trump to get off of Twitter.
Callie sees on the news that there’s a tip line for info about the accident she was in and of course this girl cannot leave anything alone. So instead of calling, and keeping herself out of the mix, she bops over to the precinct to give a statement. The only problem? Detective Grey is working and that dude is shady as hell. How long before Callie is behind bars again? I give it 15 minutes.