The Fosters Episode 218 Recap: The Mating Rituals Of Meerkats

The way I like to watch The Fosters is while I’m riding my stationary bike, so I get sweaty and on a good endorphin high, and then I cry for like 45 minutes while I’m pedaling and pedaling. It’s very cathartic. It’s almost as good as therapy. Better, actually, some weeks. Like time machine therapy, healing the wounds of growing up closeted and gay in the deep south. Maddie and I were talking about it yesterday and she said, “WHAT IF I had seen THIS instead of The L Word, ten years ago, when I was thirteen? WHAT IF?” Same-same (only I was in my 20s). This episode is a doozy, so get some Kleenexes, kittens.

Stef and Lena call a family meeting to let everyone know that Callie has decided to go live with Robert, and everyone handles it exactly like you think they will. Mariana flat loses it. If one more person she loves abandons her, her super smart science brain is going to explode inside her beautiful head. Brandon think it has something to do with him. (Callie assures him it does not.) Jude refuses to take anyone’s side because he is a wizard of love and everyone in this room is his family. And Jesus’ tries to process what it means while filtering through the six thousand other stimuli fighting for his attention. (ADD, man. I feel you, Jesus.)

Of course as soon as the meeting is over, Daphne calls to tell Callie she came clean to the police, but told them she kidnapped Tasha by herself without help from anyone, especially without help from Callie and Brandon. She’s going to stay at Girls United for a while, and Callie can stay with Stef and Lena. Daphne hangs up real fast and Callie is just like, “Are you effing kidding me?”

The next morning, Mariana refuses to go to school. In case you’ve forgotten, Timothy got himself fired for refusing to work with the administration to find a teaching strategy that encourages free and critical thinking, and also prepares students to succeed on standardized tests, so Anchor Beach can get the funding it needs to stay open. I can’t stop thinking about it. I have this running mental list of Straight White Dudes On TV That Are Pissin’ Me Off, and somehow Timothy has managed to leapfrog his way over freaking President Fitzgerald Grant (Scandal) and land right behind Fucking Johnny (Pretty Little Liars) this season. Lena doesn’t explain to Mariana that if they’d rewarded Timothy’s obstinance and belligerence and plain stupidity by letting him keep his job, Anchor Beach wouldn’t have been able to stay open next year, and then everyone would have been out of a job, including half the people who provide her with a roof to live under and food to eat.

Turns out only Jude is going to school today, basically, which means everyone has time to nose around in everyone else’s business. Brandon, for example, asks Jude about his new girlfriend. He’s like, “I could not be more serious when I say to you that she is literally just my friend.” But Brandon does not believe him. Stef noses in on the way Callie is shoving her eggs around on her plate, dejectedly, but you know she’s not giving anyone any hints about what the heck is actually going on inside her brain and heart.

Lena pulls Stef into another room and goes HAM about the kids not going to school, and then she has the best and most hilarious idea. It makes her grin like the Grinch. She packs up all the kids’ tablets, phones, laptops, DVRs, televisions, and even the wireless router into a wheely suitcase and marches out the door with it. It’s a very funny scene. All the kids grimace and look away when she roughhouses the suitcase around. “Our whole lives are in there!” Jesus says. Finally, Stef swoops in and helps her gently carry the suitcase to the car. She wants to support Lena, but she also wants the DVR to stay in one piece so they can watch their shows.

Mariana says probably my favorite line of dialogue on this show ever: “You’re obstructing our attempt to organize, Mama!”

At Anchor Beach, Monty is feeling the pressure of half the student body staying out of school and the media coming in on Monday, so she tells Lena to pass along the word to everyone that if any kids stay out of school after the weekend without a valid excuse, they’re getting suspended. Lena thinks maybe that’s a little harsh since academics aren’t cutthroat businesses, so maybe they could have some kind of discussion with the students? Some kind of high minded forum? Monty is like, “These kids are just looking for an excuse to have some vacation days, let’s be honest. This is high school, not Harvard.”

Valid, Monty. But keep your eyes and hands off of Lena, you hear me?

Connor is making out with his new girlfriend and Jude is about to vomit all over the place. His new adorable friend Taylor says she deals with all their pawing by pretending she’s watching a documentary called The Mating Habits of Meerkats. Taylor, I like you. You can stay.

Taylor: Do you want to go to the fair this weekend?
Jude: Yeah, cool.
Daria: We’re going to the pier.
Connor: Naw, girl. Let’s go to the fair. We can go to the pier any time.
Jude: Oh, I forgot, I’ve got plans with my family on Saturday.
Connor: We can go Sunday.
Jude: I have plans Sunday too.
Connor: We can go next weekend.
Jude: We’re moving… to Europe.
Connor: My aunt lives in London.
Jude: Europa. We’re moving to Europa. Jupiter’s moon, Europa. So. I can’t go to the fair. Or anywhere with you ever again.

My 15-year-old self is watching this with eyes as wide as a Tarsier. Sweet Jude. We feel you. We have all been there.

Callie hangs out at Girls United with Daphne and Carmen(!). Hey, Carmen! They debrief Callie’s situation about awful Robert, and then Carmen says she saw Kiara working as a prostitute in a really dangerous part of town. Callie wants Rita to pack them up in her car right damn now and go rescue Kiara, but Rita says that it’s not their responsibility to save her. Rita says a very hard fact about life: You always have a choice, even if it’s a choice between two shitty things. Kiara has to come to them, not the other way around.

At the Foster Adams House of Pancakes and Unconditional Love, Lu tells Brandon to sell his autographed Tony Gwynn baseball to get the cash to come on tour, where they will be able to play music and have sex nonstop for one whole summer. And then she has sex with him, to illustrate her argument. Brandon is delirious with lust when he walks Lu out later, and finds Mariana on the porch trying to poach the neighbor’s wi-fi on her e-reader so she can hack Facebook and check in on the protests for Timothy. It’s the only thing she can do to distract herself from thinking about losing her sister. She knows they’re all going to college soon, but she’s not ready to let go yet.

So, to recap. Today:

Mariana reconfigured her Kindle and hacked into her neighbor’s wi-fi to be a (admittedly misguided) social justice warrior.

Jude watched the boy he loves make out with a girl right in front of his face.

Callie grappled with the fact that she is losing her family, and found out one of her best friends is working as a prostitute.

Brandon got laid.

When Jude stops by Lena’s office that afternoon for a ride home, Connor is sitting on the couch. Turns out his dad got trapped out of town on a business trip and so Connor will be spending the weekend with them.

Connor: I can help you guys pack for your move to Europa.
Lena: Huh?
Connor: [Raises his eyebrows in Jude’s direction]
Jude: [Sighs and follows Connor out the door]

Dinner time! Brandon takes Chinese carryout over to Mike’s for some advice. He wants to keep having sex with his girlfriend and the best way to do that is to go on tour with his band and the best way to do that is to sell the autographed Tony Gwynn baseball that Stef’s dad gave him. Brandon is looking for permission, and Mike knows it. But he’s not really keen on the idea. And if even Mike is not keen on your impulsivity, you know it’s time to check yourself before you wreck yourself. He tells Brandon it’s his decision, but the implication is: “You’re gonna regret it when your brain is fully formed and your skull’s not soft anymore and your mom finds out and kills you.”

Stef and Lena serve healthy dinner things to their children and to Connor and discuss the “act of oppression” Lena perpetrated with her email about how everyone’s getting suspended if they don’t come to school on Monday. And Lena wants to know how Mariana read her email even though all the technology is in a suitcase in Lena’s car. Jesus explains about the hacking and the poaching of the wi-fi, and Lena just hilariously rolls her eyes, like, “Well, and of course Mariana can do that.”

I love that even though they’re on opposite sides of this argument, they love and respect each other so much. You’re obstructing our attempt to organize, Mama! 

Stef: Connor, it’s been a while since you slept over with us. What are your intentions with my son?
Lena: Uhhh, what Stef means is we’re glad to have you here, Connor.
Tumblr: STEF KNOWS WHAT STEF MEANS.
Jesus: You guys should pitch a tent in the backyard, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Tumblr: WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT CAMPING TRIP?

Lena and Stef are getting ready for bed, which is always my favorite scene of the episode. They talk about the freedom to question your sexuality when you’re a teenager, about passing privilege, about the sweet agony of falling in love with your best friends when you’re sorting out your gayness in high school, about identity stereotypes, about enjoying a little bit of kink. And they talk about it so organically and sweetly, like it’s just every day things people hear on TV. I cannot believe this show exists. Seriously. Still. I cannot believe it. They’re right that Kids These Days have it easier when it comes to exploring where they fit on the spectrum of sexuality, in large part because shows like this are airing on networks aimed at teenagers. In fact, I’d say that’s the major reason why it’s more acceptable for high school and college students to question what authentic sexuality looks like for them.

Stef: I don’t know, Connor doesn’t look gay to me.
Lena: I don’t look gay either.
Stef: I do, though, huh?
Lena: I think it’s the uniform and the gun. Soft butch flannel queen.
Stef: Reckon I’ll have to arrest you for perpetuating sexual stereotypes.
Lena: You’ll have to cuff me first.
Stef: Oh, you’d like that.

They start to smooch and then Stef breaks down about Callie. She can’t believe they’re losing their daughter.

Connor borrows some of Jesus’ pajamas and then hops into bed with Jude to play some video games. They’re like, “We make a good team when we destroy this dragon together by luring it out and trapping it so it doesn’t have any place to go.” Ha! That’s kind of how I realized I was gay too! They high five and do Storm Trooper mischief and you think for just a second that Jude is going to rest his head on Connor’s shoulder, but he stops himself. Connor’s not going to the pier tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to the pier ever again.

Callie is wide awake when Stef comes downstairs to make sure all the doors are locked. She explains the thing about Kiara, and Stef gently but firmly tells her she absolutely cannot go to that part of town and rescue her friend. For one thing, most of the girls down there have pimps who are extra menacing, and for another thing, Kiara is probably on drugs and not at all the Kiara that Callie knows. GOD. Callie needs Stef and Lena so bad! All the time! CALLIE, DO NOT GO. Stef basically forbids her to go after Kiara. And Callie agrees it’s a bad idea.

Upstairs, she gets into a huge fight with Mariana. Well. Huge for them. She yells about how she’s sorry she’s leaving but there’s stuff in her world that is bigger than coding and dance teams. They both burn out fast because they burn so hard and so bright. Mariana says she’s going to miss her sister, is all. And Callie says she is going to miss her sister, too.

Brandon, meanwhile, sits in his bedroom and ponders whether or not to sell a baseball.

Rita didn’t believe a word of her own bluster about how it’s not anyone’s responsibility but Kiara’s to save herself. She said it so Daphne and Carmen and Callie didn’t go running into trouble. She goes down to the street where Kiara is working and pleads with her to hurry up and get in the car, tells her she can get her back into Girls United if she’ll just turn herself in and deal with juvie for a couple of days. Kiara wants to get in the car so badly, but her pimp is clomping his way toward them and she’s scared. So she spits right in Rita’s face, calls her a “dyke,” says “I don’t do bitches!”

Rita is heartbroken. Just absolutely heartbroken. She slumps back to her car, casting the saddest look at Kiara over her shoulder as she goes.

Rosie is so good in this role.

The next day, Jude and Connor play catch in the yard. Which turns into a a game of chase. Which turns into a game of tickling. Which turns into a game of wrestling. Which almost turns into a game of making out, but that dang Daria texts and asks Connor to come over, and he seriously considers going. Jude gets so mad. He storms back into the house in a magical huff.

On the way upstairs, a whiff of his compassionate wizardry envelopes Jesus and he marches downstairs to tell Lena he doesn’t want to go to boarding school any more because him doing that, plus Stef and Lena not taking Ana’s baby, plus losing Callie is going to send Mariana ’round the bend. Lena pets his sweet little face and tells him it’s not his responsibility to take care of Mariana. But he’s going to anyway because that’s what siblings do.

Connor sheepishly tiptoes back into Jude’s room and tells him he blew off Daria, for which he gets a swift kick in the nuts! Judicorn! He’s immediately sorry; he didn’t realize the strength of his own gayness/rage. He crawls onto the floor to make sure Connor’s okay, but he doesn’t let his boyfriend off the hook. He says, “You’re the one that kissed me in that tent! You’re the one that held my hand in that movie theater! You’re the one who’s been doing … whatever you’re doing with me all day! I don’t get your deal, dude!” Connor’s deal is he is so into Jude’s deal. He leans forward and kisses him right on the lips! On screen!

Youngest gay kiss ever on TV? The only other one I can think of that may have been this young is Once and Again. (Tiny little Mischa Barton and Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual! Remember?) Anyway, it’s sweet and it’s perfect and I think it’s just remarkable that The Fosters isn’t content to present the queer experience as a single homogenized thing. It’s different for a 13-year-old boy than it is for grown-up-aged lesbians, no matter how many progressive strides we’ve made as a society in the last decade. Jude’s deal is different than Connor’s deal is different than Lena’s deal is different than Stef’s deal is different than my deal is different than your deal. There are shades and threads of shared experiences for all of us, but we’re not the same, and that’s awesome. And this show is awesome for knowing it.

Monty and Lena go for a walk on the beach, earning Monty a side-eye and Lena a stern look from me.

Monty: Sorry I was such a hard ass yesterday about the suspensions. I realize that put you in a weird position, especially since your daughter is the best student at this school.
Lena: Yeah, it’s tough trying to balance being a principal with being a mom and feeling like you’re failing at both.
Monty: I think you’re great at everything and very pretty.
Lena: I lost a baby a couple of months ago. I’m not sure I’ve recovered. Oh, and P.S. Timothy was the sperm donor.
Monty: Ha! What! That’s like something off of TV!
Lena: If you think that’s like something off of TV, you should meet our daughter, Callie. More terrible stuff befalls her than Fred Flintstone.
Monty: Did I mention you’re pretty?
Lena: More than once. Cool it.

Mariana is home alone when the wrestling coach from Testosterone Academy drops by for a visit with Jesus. Dude is from Colorado but nobody bothered to tell him Jesus isn’t interested in attending his school anymore. Mariana takes his card and then accosts Jesus about it when he gets home, not because she doesn’t want him to go, but because she wants him to do what’s best for himself, even if it’s hard for her. He’s like, “For real?” And she’s like, “Yes, for real, you dummy. I love you.”

Brandon sells his baseball — to Mike. Mike thought if he won the auction Brandon would ship it “to the website.” Oh, Mike. What in the world. Now, Brandon can go on tour and no one has to tell Stef about this baseball getting sold and so everyone can stay alive.

And finally, Kiara shows up at Callie’s foster center. She wants to go stay with Rita at Girls United but she’s afraid Rita can’t forgive her. And she’s afraid of losing the cool stuff her pimp bought her. In fact, she thinks she’ll go on back home right now and get that stuff and then go to Rita’s. Callie’s like, “No, ma’am. You sit your ass right here and I’ll go with you if that’s a thing you’re going to insist on doing.” It is.

So after Callie gets off, she walks Kiara outside. And her pimp is waiting for her. Kiara called him.

But also, Stef wheels up in her police SUV and so does Rita in her car.

After Kiara leaves with Rita, Callie melts down on Stef in one of the best and most heartbreaking scenes this show has done. She says she keeps lying and making mistakes and she’s afraid to tell Stef and Lena about them because she’s afraid they’re going to give up on her, and she thought if maybe she made the decision to leave it would feel better than them making the decision to kick her out, and she is just crying and crying. Stef grabs her and holds her and says, “You will never do anything to make us stop loving you.”

And I guess Callie tells her that Robert manipulated her into not telling the truth about Daphne, because Stef zooms over to his house and bangs on his door and threatens to murder him if he ever, ever, ever tells Callie to lie to them again.

He says, “My daughter.”

And Stef wheels around and goes, “Your daughter? Brother, absolutely no.”

The fight for custody has only just begun.

Next week: Someone dies in an explosion or gets shot or something? It’d better not be Connor!