“A year with a turtle, it seemed to me, was a perfectly acceptable short-term alternative to a cat – mostly because it wouldn’t make me want to scratch my eyes out of my face, but also because my general impression was that turtles are chill and low-maintenance while also being willing to react with affectionate enthusiasm towards their human captors.”
Obviously this plan is excellent and would definitely not end in disaster.
To prepare you for life on our radical separatist commune, duh.
They are available for endorsements on LinkedIn.
For only $350, your dog, cat, hamster or whatever can learn to experience the side of you that’s less maternal caretaker, and more psychotic girlfriend with zero boundaries who is constantly calling to see where you are.