Krisily Kennedy Likes Girls: The Autostraddle Interview

How long did they last?

My last one was about a year. It’s like the one that will never end. The one before that was a little under nine months.

Why did you decide to come out now?

It was a really hard decision because I also feel like, through talking with my family and my friends, people do not believe in bisexual. They don’t believe it. And you know what, until I started dating women I might not have either. I might have looked at every girl who sometimes dated boys and sometimes dated girls and said, “They don’t know what they want, they’re toying with people’s emotions and they don’t exist.” And I want people to know that they do. I feel like it’s important because I feel like we call ourselves an LGBT community and there’s a “B” there for a reason. But yet we don’t appreciate it, we don’t accept it. I’ve had a harder time with lesbians and with gay men coming out than I’ve had with my straight friends and, to me, that breaks my heart. That is so much harder to take.

It’s harder for you to come out to lesbians and gay men than it is to your straight friends?

100%.

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Because of them judging you?

Yeah, and to me that’s a huge deal. I wasn’t going to come out because there’s so many reality stars…I hate to even call us stars because we’re not, we’re just people that took a chance. That’s all we are. We got a little TV exposure so people look up to us. I think that’s important for them to know that we’re no different from them. All we did was we took a chance. That’s it. We took a chance on a stupid TV show and decided, “Hey, I want to do something different.” So we got a little notoriety.

I feel like we call ourselves an LGBT community and there’s a “B” there for a reason. But yet we don’t appreciate it, we don’t accept it. I’ve had a harder time with lesbians and with gay men coming out than I’ve had with my straight friends and, to me, that breaks my heart.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of us that don’t do great things with it and then there’s some of us who just want to make a difference and that’s where I’m at. I want to get more involved in LGBT stuff, whether it’s GLAAD or GLSEN or the It Gets Better project, and do the NOH8 Campaign and go out and talk. And I said,”Well, it’s great if I’m just this girl from The Bachelor that talks about it, but if they know that this actually affects me. If I’m in a relationship with a woman and I can’t get married because the government tells me I can’t, I think they might listen a little longer.”

I didn’t ever want it to be misconstrued as a publicity stunt. Like people thinking, “Oh, she just wants to get more camera time.” I actually had a tabloid say that to me. They were doing an interview and when they overheard what I was saying they literally stated the fact that I was just trying to get more press. And while, unfortunately, I understand that people do that, you also shouldn’t doubt someone without knowing who they are and where they come from. So I guess that’s what made me come out. I did not go to that GLSEN event saying “Oh my god! I’m coming out tonight.” That’s totally not how it happened. There was one guy who wanted to interview me and he was from Life and Style. And he was like, “I have to ask you, you were on The Bachelor looking for a husband… why do you always talk about LGBT rights?” And I was like, “You are the first person who’s ever asked me that and I will tell you the truth.”

He literally had tears in his eyes. He’s like, “I can’t believe you are sharing this with me on the red carpet.” Honestly, I could have sold the story. I could have made some quick money, but that’s not what it’s about for me. For me it’s just about…we can’t ask, as a community, for respect if we can’t respect each other. And for somebody to come out…like if you go read the comments on that thread, 90% of them are lesbians saying that I’m desperate, that I’m looking for press, that bisexuals doesn’t exist, and that’s was so sad to me. And that’s why I tweeted Riese directly and said, “Hey, why don’t you talk to me directly.”

Would you marry and potentially have kids, spend the rest of your life with a woman?

100% without a doubt. My last girlfriend, I 100% thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I told my family.

And what happened?

She became very sticky is the only really way to say it. I am very independent. I will not be controlled by anyone. I think the one thing that I learned about dating is that someone in the lesbian community is that they tend… women are a little bit more controlling than men and girls get more jealous. I can’t really…with what I do…I can’t really do jealous. I think that was the only stickiness that there was. I still love her to death. She’s awesome, great person. I just don’t think that we were meant to be in a relationship and, unfortunately, that happened a lot later in the relationship. I didn’t see it in the beginning. But she’s a great person.

I like going to events and talking about things that are important to me. Not because I want my picture taken. I have enough pictures of myself. I don’t need to see what I look like. But it is very important for me to get out and say “Hey, listen I want to marry whoever I want. Why don’t you want me to?” Because I feel like the more people you talk to, the more people you can reach and that’s what we are all trying to do.

Can you elaborate a little bit more about what it’s been like since you’ve come out?

You know, my friends and my family, they all knew. I’m very open with my family. They know everything. If I have a foot ache, they know. I told my mom first and, of course, she said, “You live in West Hollywood. It’s just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.” And then she started to realize it wasn’t a phase. I came home that first Christmas and explained from my aunt to my grandmother to my 18 year-old little cousin…I sat down with everyone and said, “Hey, listen this is me.”

And I know that from the family that I have that I am really really lucky. I have a couple of little cousins that still have a hard time with it, but I’m lucky. With my family, they’ve all been great. My dad, I don’t really know because I don’t really talk to him, but my family’s been great. My friends have been great. Actually the thing that I’m most shocked at is The Bachelor fans have been AMAZING. Because that’s my group. Those are the people that follow me. Those are the people that want to know where I’m going or what I’m doing. And those are the people that I was the most afraid of. I never, in a million years, thought that I would get more hate from an LGBT website than I would from The Bachelor website. I never thought that and that’s how it’s been. It’s crazy.

So when you were on The Bachelor you had no idea?

Oh god, no. Oh god, no.

I want to talk a little bit about The Bachelor. Well, I don’t watch the show so I obviously wasn’t aware of who you were before you came out. [laughs]

[laughs] Don’t feel bad. Don’t worry. God, I feel bad for the people that watch it sometimes because we act crazy.

But here’s the thing. I am fascinated, however, by reality TV. You know we cover a lot of The Real L Word, I watch Jersey Shore, so I’m very clued in to reality TV in general. What I do want to know from you is…talk to me a little bit about what it’s like being on a reality…not specifically being on The Bachelor, but just about the reality show experience. I know a lot of things are manipulated. I know that The Bachelor, by and large, is pretty much bullshit. Can you tell me to what extent it was reality and what extent of it was manipulation by producers?

Well, okay, here’s my thing with reality television. Everything is different. Right. I’m friends with the girls on The Real L Word. And I’ve known those girls for a long time and…

Who are your friends from The Real L Word?

Rose is a good friend of mine. Romi is a great friend of mine. Those are the two girls that I’m definitely the closest with. I see Whitney out at events and clubs. Romi and Rose and Sara and I live on the same street so I see them all the time. We talk all the time. We went to see Twilight together. They’re great girls.

How did you become friends?

I went on a date with one of their friends [laughs]… not on the show.  By the way, Rose is like the Godfather of lesbians. If I can say that term. She really is. If you want something to happen you just call Rose. It’s freaking hysterical. You know, I had a really bad taste in my mouth about the show. I can’t lie. I love, I love, I love, I love Romi and Rose. I don’t think the show does great things for lesbians, but people watch it. That’s all I’m gonna say about that show.

How would you compare your experience on The Bachelor to their experience on The Real L Word?

They have more control than we did. We were put in a bubble. So imagine being taken outside of your home, your family, your group, everything. No phone, no internet, no family, no email, no magazines and you’re put in a house that’s filled with cameras and a bunch of girls. And now you’re fighting over one guy. And they’re taking you on all these amazing dates with this one guy and expecting you not to fall in love, but you can’t talk to anybody, but the people that you are with. And there’s a house full of alcohol.

So I have to honestly say that in my perception of what I did, yeah, there’s manipulation, but in the way that they get you drunk. You don’t have anything else to do but drink. So we all know that we’ve all done stupid stuff drinking. I don’t drink for my own life, but everybody does stupid stuff when you get drunk. So they give you alcohol, they put you in a house and they start filming you and you have nothing else to do but literally fight with the people that you live with.

So you were not drinking during the show, but everybody else was?

Right. I never drank on the show. You know its funny, because people would beg to differ because my first season I was The Bitch. I was the monster. I was the one that caused all the problems. I was the one that was always fighting with all the girls. But I did that of my own accord. That’s me. I will call you out on your bullshit. That’s just kind of my style. I don’t have patience for people that say their favorite color is blue cause they’re with you but their favorite color is green when they are with Bobby. You kind of just have to be who you are and own it. I mean, that’s just me. I was the trouble maker the first time around. The second time around, at 32, I’m a little older and had no patience for the drama and just wanted to go home.

Why did you go on The Bachelor in the first place?

The first place? Because I lived in Rhode Island. I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship. I had caught my ex cheating on me. The funny part about how I wound up on The Bachelor is that they did a casting at a bar where I used to work, about a year and a half before I went on the show. I did not go to the casting because I wanted to be on the show. I was the bartender. All these girls were coming in and doing their interviews so I heard all their answers and their questions and I would make fun of them. Not because I was being mean, like “Oh, they’re dressed bad.” But their answers were just such bullshit. They weren’t giving the answers that they wanted to give. They were giving answers that they thought the producers wanted to hear and I was just laughing. I was like, “Oh my god, can any of them actually use what they actually think.” And I just kind of poked fun at them. And then they would have me make fun of them because they thought it was funny. I was like, “Sure, why not?” And then they called me every month for a year and I said “no.” Then they called me three days after I caught my ex cheating on me and I said “sign me up.”

Wow.

See they knew…they knew I was going to be the trouble maker. You know what I mean. They knew I was going to call people out. And they think, they were like “she’s perfect.”

Can you make a living as a former Bachelor contestant? How can you afford to live?

[laughs] I am a retail assistant by day. I’ve done retail for about three years and I’m also television hosting. I’ve been in L.A. for five years and I’m still looking for an agent and all that. But I worked for the Boston Red Sox for a season and a half on the east coast and I have a six season show about Harley Davidson on the east coast as well for NESN, which is the New England Sports Network. So that’s what I love and I’m really good at. Well, I think I’m good at it [laughs] That’s what I’m trying to do, but full time I work as a retail assistant…

What’s your type physically and personality-wise aside from Kate Moennig?

[laughs] I tend to like girls who maybe played on their high school or college basketball team. Not super boyish, but I like tomboys. I’m not super attracted to girls that wear dresses. So I guess my style is definitely tomboys. I like that they still have a male energy, but they are feminine. I really like that. I think that’s the perfect balance.

And what about personality-wise?

You know, I guess I want somebody who has their shit together. Can that be a personality type? [laughs]

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_MUnn31iCA’]

It can! Somebody who’s reliable and dependable. That’s my type as well.

Yes! The thing that I found…it’s funny because…and I’m going to say this and I’m going to get so much shit for saying this but the thing I’ve found in West Hollywood is that there’s not many girls who have careers. And I understand that cause I don’t either and I feel like I can’t really say…it’s like pot calling kettle…like I can’t say “Oh, you don’t have a career. It’s unattractive,” cause I don’t really either. But at the same time I need stability in my life and I want stability in my life. I want, whether it be a man or a woman, I want them to have their shit together. I want them to have a career or going toward their career. I don’t want the jealous nonsense because we’re in our thirties and we don’t have time for that anymore. I want somebody who compliments me, not fights me.

What’s your favorite book?

Eat, Pray, Love. It changed my life. [laughs]

How did it change your life?

I was just at a really low point. I think it kind of…that book is what showed me that I had more to do. That I had to keep talking and that I had to share my story because…I’m working on a book. That’s my passion right now. I’m writing a book because I feel like I’ve had some pretty amazing things and pretty horrible things happen in my life that I’ve never shared with anyone. I feel like people look at me and they see a “pageant girl” or a “Bachelor girl” and they have no freaking idea what my life has been like. And I feel like…I know that we all have stories and I think that we all need to share them. I want to start a website where people can just go and literally share their stories because people need to hear other people’s stories to know what they are going through. So that if they have this stuff going on and they’re not alone. And that it’s scary but you’re going to get through it and you’re going to be successful and that book proved that to me.

What kind of music are you into?

My favorite singer is Matt Nathanson. I’m obsessed. That was the best thing that came out of my ex-girlfriend. That was the best thing that came out of my ex-girlfriend. She introduced me to Matt Nathanson and for a while I couldn’t listen to him cause it kind of made me sick, but, as much as I love him now, that’s the best thing that came out of our relationship. Matt Nathanson.

Is there anything else that people don’t know about you that you would like to share?

I think that the most important thing for me was that I felt so judged by all the comments on that article and I don’t mind being judged because I think when you put yourself out there you have to expect that, but what I do care about is that we, as an LGBT community, are constantly talking about how we want to be treated equally and how we don’t want to be judged and how dare you. How dare someone that’s been judged on their sexuality their whole life tell me that my sexuality doesn’t exist. For me that’s the most important message that I can get out because the people that read your website aren’t the people that read mine. The people that go to my website are middle America Bachelor fans and I do what I can with them to teach them the tolerance or the acceptance that we need as a community. But what was hard for me was finding a website that is so LGBT related and so amazing, I mean you guys have so many people on that website, to see that article go up in flames and to see people say such negative things. That hurt more. Because some straight people may say things like “Oh, she’s desperate, she just couldn’t find a guy. She’s gonna go try girls.” That’s not the case and I don’t care because that just shows me that they are simple minded and I understand because they just don’t know any better. But when lesbians dare tell me that I can’t be bisexual, then I want to tell them “you can’t be gay.”

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Jess is a pop culture junkie living in New York City. She enjoys endless debates about The L Word, Howard Stern, new techy gadgets, DVR, exploring the labyrinth of the Lesbian Internet, memoirs, working out, sushi, making lists, artsy things, anything Lady Gaga touches, traveling, puppies, and nyc in the fall. Find her on Twitter @jessxnyc or via email.

Jess has written 253 articles for us.

272 Comments

    • I know..Right..She just simultaneously round-house kicked and bitch-slapped all those negative commenters square in their gold-star bragging faces! If all bisexual ladies are this awesome, I may need to get me one!

      • hang on, I remember the most negative comments were from one weird anti-bisexual person and then everybody else totally called her/him out and told them to stop being a douche, and really stood up for krisily?
        it’s a shame only that one negative person stuck in her mind, she doesn’t have an agenda coming out and seems like a really nice girl.

        • It is a shame, but I think most people are likely to remember someone really awful versus a dozen good things, especially when it’s something as big and personal as coming out.

          This was an awesome interview

  1. Hi Krisly!

    I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings in the comments from the original Autostraddle article about that line from your other interview. You seem very nice and like a real human being.

    Sincerely,
    asshole internet commenter

  2. Amen, sister. I didn’t realize I was queer till 24. I’ve been living with my girlfriend for over two years. My parents still think it’s a phase, but I finally feel whole.

    “Bisexuals: we exist.” Can that be our new slogan?

  3. I got increasingly crazily happy as I read more and more of this interview. I am so glad/impressed that Krisily contacted AS to set the record straight, and did so in such an articulate and endearing manner.

    The initial article I took to be a light-hearted poke at the way the media sensationalises the comings-out of even the most dubiously famous people. I think the people that chose to be dismissive based on bi-hate/erasure or Krisily’s reality-fuelled celebrity might have forgotten there was still a real person there. I hope they’re feeling a bit sheepish about that now, but probably not, because it’s still the internet.

    I think the community needs to hang on to people with intelligent things to say about queer issues, whatever their background, so best of luck to Krisily in whatever she pursues.

  4. I missed most of the comments on that initial article about Krisily – wow, that got really uncool. I’m really glad that you followed up with another interview with her because she should get to give her point of view. And she seems like a pretty cool woman, too.

    That Kate Moennig story is hilarious! We should just send her out to as many public places as possible so the gravitational pull of her charisma will pull all the gay and bi women out.

  5. The story about Kate Moennig is the best thing ever!! I guess “Shane” really is the role of her life, heh.

    Great interview Jess, I didn’t know anything about Krisily Kennedy or the previous comments’ shitstorm last month and it’s awesome that she took on contacting AS. She sounds like a smart and funny girl and had a bunch of interesting things to say, thanks to you two. :)

  6. I’m glad that she approached Autostraddle to set the record straight. After reading this article my opinion of her just got better and I think she’d be a great person to talk to. I feel mad at the people putting her down >:(

    Anyhoo, I wish Krisily the best and her pic at the pool is really adorbs!! I’ve mentioned this in the previous article about her but I DON’T. GIVE. A. FRICKING. DAMN! XD

  7. That story about Kate Moennig is UNBELIEVABLE. Like, it seems like it came from a lesbian romantic comedy. I would totally watch that movie…
    This is a great interview, guys–I’m happy to see Krisily get a chance to speak for herself. Don’t let the assholes get you down, Krisily!

  8. thank goodness for this article. absolutely loved it. it’s incredibly disheartening to have one’s queerness questioned, especially by people within the community. props to krisily for speaking up- as a fellow bisexual, i definitely needed it!

  9. dear commenters, especially the ones who may have noticed their comments on this thread getting deleted:

    if you’re interested in having YET ANOTHER flame war/ Oppression Olympics on this fucking bisexual topic then good news! That conversation has already taken over EVERY SINGLE OTHER THREAD THAT MENTIONS BISEXUALITY ON THIS FUCKING WEBSITE so you can just go take it up there ( may i suggest this post, this post, this post, this post. or this post). I swear we cannot say the word “bisexual” without it going up in flames.

    And you know what? Nothing changes, everyone gets upset, and honestly it makes us hate our jobs. Often it devolves into arguing over sweeping generalizations and hypothetical situations that ultimately have nothing to do with the actual topic of the post. IT’S BORING. you’re never gonna agree on this, just shut the holy living fuck up. Recognize that you dont actually have to share every feeling you have the minute that you have it. There’s a time and a fucking place.

    I know I sound like your Mom right now, but my #1 feeling reading the end of Krisily’s interview was shame. I’m embarrassed that her story was treated that way on a site that claims to be smart and about community and love. i’m embarrassed that instead of continuing to praise me for my fantastic award-winning Krisily Kennedy graphics on that post, y’all started fighting about bisexuality again.

    I’m really sorry that the post about you devolved into that situation, Krisily. I really am. I hope you know that 95% of the time, it’s not like that here.

    This declaration has nothing to do with my own personal opinion, which is irrelevant and probs would surprise some of you. But you know what? I’ve had no desire to join these fights because, well, firstly I recognize that my opinion and your opinion are not mutually exclusive, but mostly because I want to be HAPPY today. i’d like to have a NICE FUCKING DAY.

    this is supposed to be a safe, supportive environment for EVERYONE. on both sides. okay? can you all just be nice today. can you let your love for humanity, peace and togetherness overwhelm your passionate venom for flame wars?

    i’d really like that.

    so if your comment got deleted, that’s why.

    Love
    Riese

  10. Hey bi girl,
    “Recognize that you dont actually have to share every feeling you have the minute that you have it. There’s a time and a fucking place”

    ^This so fucking fucking hard, respect and I am glad you said it. Stay sexy.

  11. I just asked my bisexual girlfriend her opinion: “Fuck..It’s just a word..Call me ‘para-emotional’..Or how about omni-libidinous…Ooh..No..Dys-sexic! I date who I date because I’m into the PERSON! And if you don’t think that doesn’t make me ‘queer’ by societies standards then..then..then your sleeping alone tonight!” Needless to say she’s plenty queer enough for me!

  12. Ok, clearly people missed my theme from the first Krisily Kennedy post that went to hell. Therefore, I will repeat it now.

    HUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

    Seriously, I have enough hugs for everybody.

  13. Okay okay so I gotta say that I have new respect for bisexuals after reading this. I think its definitely a touchy topic for lesbians particularly, I think because of the jealousy bit, but the most important thing is respecting someones SELF identification. I also think people respect the claim a lot more from someone in their late twenties and past that. I’m sorry that your celebrity status made people question it, that’s unfortunate, but I think mostly we like to use a high-profile case to get out frustration, which is really obnoxious and unnecessary. If you don’t want to date a bisexual, don’t fucking date a bisexual. Its pretty easy.

    Riese, you can delete this comment if you want but I think krisily did the interview to clear up the airspace and deleting every single comment that doesn’t say ‘i love you forever’ is a bit disrespectful to her as well as the community here that isn’t interested in flame wars, but wants to actually address the main thrust of the interview itself.

    In other news, I like me a fierce woman and the part about how she got on the show was pretty brilliant.

  14. This is the greatest thing I have read this week and it is only slightly more great than the initial post, the renamed pictures of which (“the-doors-a-lesbian-though” was by far my favorite) had me laughing so hard in my office that my boss came in to see what was the ruckus and I got caught redhanded trolling A/S at work. I am so happy to see Krisily get a chance to share her personality with us and she sounds like a really lovely person. Also that story about Kate Moennig is the most ridiculous and crazy thing ever and I will probably not be able to shut up about it for another week. Kisses!!!

    PS Lizz you’ve got some competition for the future Mrs. Kennedy – also I use to row in college? Does that count as sporty?

  15. Maybe it’s because I identified as bisexual for so long before finally settling on queer (really more like pansexual but that’s just ridiculously hard to explain), but I have never understood the hate lesbians have for bisexuals. At all. We go on and on about how sexuality is fluid, and only you can accurately determine your sexuality, and you do you, but then people flip the the fuck out when someone comes out as bi. I mean, really? It’s just so counter-intuitive and discouraging. Kinda reminds me of the lesbian hate the early feminist movement had in some ways.

    Whatever, this was adorable and awesome and now I want to take my dog to a dog park and find the cute girls. Krisily seems really nice and awesome! Wonderful interview!

    • “we go on and on about how sexuality is fluid, and only you can accurately determine your sexuality, and you do you, but then people flip the the fuck out when someone comes out as bi.”

      No, I don’t think lesbians, in general, feel this way. I think this is actually used AGAINST lesbians to undermine their sexuality. There is some general feeling that women have fluid sexualities, when in reality being a lesbian can be a very concrete, tangible thing. I think lesbians have an issue with this projection onto their sexuality, merely because they are women, while men’s sexuality is viewed as definite.

      • Hm, ok, I can see your objection to the word “fluid” when talking about women’s sexuality. I think the phrase “sexuality is on a spectrum” would work better maybe? But then you have the people who’s sexuality is actually pretty fluid and would move up and down such a “spectrum”. I think that’s where the phrase “you do you” comes in. I was really parroting a lot of the articles and essays I read about sexuality when I used that phrase, but whatever. Oh, also, I’ve known plenty of lesbians who see their sexuality as pretty damn fluid, but less gay men. I think this maybe comes down to socialization? Like, since women are socialized to not have a sex drive anyways, they have more room to mess around with it when they do discover it on their own, while men are told they have an over active sex drive and only in one direction, so this makes their thinking about sexuality a bit more rigid then women?

    • I shouldn’t to continue to hijack this nice Krisily Kennedy post to talk more about various sexual orientations when Riese has nicely asked us not too… but…

      “we go on and on about how sexuality is fluid” — I kinda think you’re understanding that term differently than how term is usually used?

      Like I think you mean to say “we go on and on about how there is a broad range of sexual orientations between heterosexual and homosexual” – that’s definitely true; people fall in lots of places on the scale between hetero and homo. I think what most fair-minded people here would agree with that.

      “Sexual fluidity” is a little different than though – it means that a person may move around on the Kinsey scale at various points in their lives. Many women report this to be true of themselves, but it isn’t necessarily true of all women.

      This is where some lesbians get defensive, because some people out there on the internets want to say “all women are sexually fluid.” I personally don’t feel that I’m sexually fluid. But I understand if other women report that they are. This is a part of the “you do you” I think.

      Sorry Riese, if you think this is maybe an inappropriate place for this, I understand.

      • ha, it’s okay steph, i almost broke my own declaration and commented myself.

        some women feel fluid, some women don’t!

        lesbians have a right to be taken seriously when they say “i like women and only women and that is never ever ever going to change, ever.” it’s incredibly insulting to tell a lesbian who says she’s confident that women are her bag, always have been and always will be, that she’s just not evolved/conscious enough to recognize her own “fluidity,” or to tell her that “most women are fluid” and therefore she probably is too. it’s annoying to tell a lesbian whose identification as a lesbian has been really fucking difficult — the lack of civil rights and etc — a lesbian who has likely had to sacrifice friends/family/safety/health in order to be who she is — that she’s just floating around on a continuum just like the rest of the girls out there! That’s SO belittling to lesbians, and it’s stupid to imply that there’s any chance she’s gonna flow on over into some dude’s pants. no. no no no. she is who she says she is.

        AND those who feel “sexually fluid” have a right to be taken seriously when they say “i am sexually fluid, it’s on a continuum,” etc., whatever. it’s insulting to tell someone who feels very certain that their sexual attraction to ppl isn’t set in stone based on gender that they’re just “confused” or that they’ll “figure it out” one day. they have figured it out. they’ve figured out that it’s fucking fluid. she is who she says she is.

        AND those who say they’re bisexual and are attracted to both men and women have a right to be taken seriously when they say “I am bisexual.” It’s insulting to tell someone who has done the standard soul-searching to figure out who they are, which comes with its own challenges and stigmas, that she’s just having a phase, or even worse, that she’s literally LYING about who she is and that really she only wants to ride the male hobby horse alllll the way past tuna town. she is who she says she is.

        and that
        my friends
        is you do you

        • I’m not gonna lie, Riese. That comment literally just lifted a burden that I’ve had since middle school. I didn’t realize I liked girls until middle school at which point I came out as bisexual. Then in high school, I stopped being attracted to males and had this girlfriend and all these new gay and lesbian friends and so I re-came out as a lesbian. Then, to my surprise (and especially to the surprise and dismay of my gay and lesbian friends), I fell in love with a guy. So at that point I didn’t know what the fuck I was, so I sort of jokingly came out as a “lesbian with one exception”. It’s been bothering me SO HARD for so long.

          But now you’ve made me realize that I don’t have to “figure it out” because I have! :D I’m sexually fluid and I feel so happy to not have to care about finding my label now. Thank you! An internet comment changed my life! 8D

          Also, I’m sure a lot of people would interpret my history as me just being a confused bisexual. But I really don’t feel like I’m bisexual because there are many conditions and factors that I don’t care to get into right now that tell me I’m not a bisexual. And the people who don’t think bisexuals are a thing would argue that I’m either straight and confused or a lesbian and confused. But, also wrong. So ima do me now, thanks.

  16. Krisily, thanks for being brave and feisty and honest and loving who you love and telling a wonderful dog park story.

    Jess, thanks for yet another wonderful interview.

    Riese, thanks for creating this space and working incredibly hard and doing what you can to keep this place filled with love and not hate.

    As a person who comments fairly frequently and considers this community to be a home of sorts, I’m embarrassed and disgusted. How can we expect the rest of the world to love and accept us for simply being human beings if we can’t accept our own brothers and sisters?

  17. I felt a hell of a lot more accepted by this site when I identified as “straight but confused” (under a different username) than as bisexual. Not because of anything said directly TO ME, but because of the flame wars that inevitably break out when someone mentions bisexuality.

  18. Gotta start taking my dog to more parks; there might be a les rom-com waiting for me.

    Very cool of Krisily to reach out to AS and share some of her story with us. Much respect to her. I didn’t read the flame war (’cause that kind of stuff gives me anxiety and makes me feel ashamed for humanity) but I imagine it takes some guts to put yourself up before a formerly less-than-friendly audience and be vulnerable and say “hey, you hurt me, my sexuality exists, and this is me.”

  19. I am one of the many bisexuals here on Autostraddle, though I often feel the need to curl up in a ball in the corner when it gets discussed.

    I guess my feeling is maybe lesbians are so dismissive of bisexuals because they feel that is how they are treated? Like if the right guy came along they would turn straight, but they wouldn’t because they really only like girls. While us bisexuals just like to flow with which ever hot body has got us well hot. Which also lends to the “it’s just a phase” thinking, but it isn’t a phase, its an attraction to a specific person regardless of gender.

    If that makes sense to anyone else. Anyway my point was Thank you very very much for this post. Krisily does a much better job than me articulating the fact we should ALL be supportive of each other. Negativity will only breed more negativity.

    • Yeah..Sorry you feel that way sometimes..A persons insecurities about a partner leaving stem from within themselves, not within the relationship..I just don’t get the hate and judgement..When I asked my bisexual girlfriend why me, she said “You make my teeth chatter” Good enough for me! And since I’m a lesbian, and she has all the lady parts it’s a win/win!

  20. im so glad that the people who did the original shit stirring aren’t regular on this site, otherwise i wudda stopped giggling at the sidelines a looonng time ago. that was a sad day. Krisily and kates adventures would make a kick arse mini web series. maybe kate could star as giant cardboard cut out dana-styleeyy avec chiwawa :)

  21. I completely missed the original flame war, I just saw an article about a reality tv star and went “next!” but I did read this and wow, mad respect! great interview. and the shane story is just amazing.
    I really oughta watch the l word properly sometimes. it aired late, and it was the l world so it wasnt as if I could watch on the tv on the living room you know? so Ive watched eps here and there but out of order

    so,um,go kelly, sorry krisily. awesome story

  22. I totally relate to the “see her in the juice bar later, have no idea what to say” part. Fucking awesome that Kate Moennig has that effect off the screen. Keep on keepin on Ms. Kennedy. I think it’s really valuable when people in the public eye are out, assuming that is possible in their life situation. I personally appreciate the efforts you’ve made to be out about your bisexuality.

  23. Wow. Thank you so much for this. I can’t come up with anything intelligent to say other than I love every part of this interview. Go Krisily for responding so bravely and eloquently to the haters. Reading this made me feel so good because the comments on the last article hurt so much.

    Now I’m just sad I’m not a tomboy because Krisily is the greatest.

  24. Hey!!

    WOW, is all I can say such a big thanks to Riese and Jess for the follow up. Loving all the chatter and of course all love too. Thanks for letting me share my side of the story and be heard and thanks to all of you that read it and didn’t just click next! The more we talk and share the more we grow!

    HUGS to you all! We are all fighting the same war so if we stood together it would be so much easier!

    LOVE YOU! xoxo

  25. jess i love this interview! the shane story is actually amazing — like, i’m amazed. that was almost my exact fantasy re: meeting kate moennig, except obvs @ yoga class bc i don’t have a dog.

    ANYWAY thank you krisily for calling out the idiot commenters and standing up for a whole slew of people! awesome. also you put your PHONE NUMBER on kate moennig’s AUTOMOBILE like a pro, which is just like — ? — omg. so much respect.

    • i feel laneia is drawing attention to a very crucial element of this story that has been overlooked:

      “also you put your PHONE NUMBER on kate moennig’s AUTOMOBILE like a pro, which is just like — ? — omg. so much respect.”

      THIS

  26. I am upset that most of the comments are overlooking what is clearly the most important part of this post and that is that Krisily MET KATE MOENNIG.

    Just kidding, the most important part is obvs that this is an interview with someone who is representing the queer community well and doing what she can to make EVERYONE in the community feel more accepted.

    Thank you Krisily for having the grace to handle the situation well, the ability to look past your hurt from the previous comments to do the interview, and for being such a wonderful representative of bisexual women. You communicated so many of the feelings that I struggle to on a regular basis.

    Great interview Jess! Also, Riese, I didn’t get to comment on the original Krisily post, so I just want to take this opportunity to acknowledge you on your sharp journalistic prowess. And your desire to keep this community accepting of ALL of its members, regardless of their sexuality.

    Also: those pictures with the truck and the pinup hair. Wow. Just wow.

  27. The dog park story is like the GREATEST STORY EVER. Bisexuals are awesome and so is Krisily Kennedy! I’m a dog walker for a living but unfortunately the majority of people I meet are crazy/drunk/male. I even had to have someone arrested on the trails last week. : (

      • Except doesn’t homosexual mean open to loving, not just sexing, people of the same gender? And heterosexual means open to loving, not just sexing, people of a different gender. So why can’t bisexual mean open to loving, not just sexing, genders that are the same and different from your own?

        Just because the word “sexual” is in there doesn’t mean it is only referring to sex.

          • I appreciate the classification that asexuals use. Obvs the aces aren’t looking for sexing, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want relationships and sometimes those emotional/loving relationships they want are straight or gay or bi so they say they’re homo/hetero/bi-romantic. I like that it creates a safe space to admit in these terms that I might be sexually attracted to a group of people that may not necessarily be the same as the group of people that I’m romantically interested in.

            To use the Lady Gaga example she might identify as bisexual but heteroromantic and there’s not even a single thing wrong with that.

          • This is a really good point that I didn’t think of.

            I totally agree that there is nothing wrong with a “Katy Perry-I kissed a girl” type who is only sexually attracted to girls. I guess I always just thought of that as “straight, but sexually attracted to girls.” But really they are heteroromantic and bisexual, by what you’re saying.

            The one problem with this is it will get confusing for people who use “homosexual”, “heterosexual”, or “bisexual” etc. to mean romantic & sexual attraction versus those who use the -sexual ending to mean just sexual. Like what would the word for a lesbian be? “homosexualromantic”?

            meh labels are so confusing i don’t know how we can fix this other than you do you

  28. This was a fun article. She sounds so cool, up front and articulate. She definitely called us out on the comments. It’s also on AS that I read about the harm that our bisexual community experience either by drinking more, not seeking aid because of fear of judgement not only from the queer community but from the hetro community. We have all read about teens killing themselves because of the hate. Not everyone is as strong as her to come back here and stand up for herself. Its not right that people shrink back because they feel inadequate. Im kenyan, its illegal in kenya to be caught “performing homosexual acts”. I assure you that they do not separate bisexuals from lesbians. Ive written all this and yet feel like I am not articulating myself properly, I hope you get the gist.

  29. I will always be ashamed of the bi-phobia of my past, past as in pre-AS. Admittedly I had imagined that bisexuality did not denote a social distinction in the same manner that gay, lesbian etc. had,being tragically inclined to cite heteronormative privilege, and operating under the illusion that since they have one foot in hetero-dom, “bisexual” was not about undertaking an identity beyond
    sexual, having zero stake in championing LGBT rights or seeking community. This article was amazing and that final paragraph makes me weep for all of the queers that find “bisexual” to be an illegitimate category of identity. We need each other, and also, evidently, Shane.

  30. I’m straight, so I find next to nothing that caters to my sexual lifestyle on Autostraddle, but that doesn’t keep me from loving this site’s content (even us straight girls can appreciate a fine set of boobies!). Why do we have to separate everything? Lesbian issues, gay issues, trans issues, bi issues, straight issues,…can’t we just view these things as HUMAN issues?

    • I’m uncomfortable with that last statement, but I can’t really pinpoint why. I think it reminds me a little too much of men who say they aren’t feminist, they’re “humanist”, and seem all smug about it (NOT SAYING THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING). Possibly because of the phrase “human issues”. Also, maybe because each group of people you mention have different positions in society and while a lot their issues do overlap, some of them are unique to their group and saying otherwise kinda seems like erasure to me.

      • I think, ultimately, what Nina is trying to say is that these issues shouldn’t only be addressed or relevant to each of those groups; they affect all humans because what kind of a world do we want to live in if not everybody is equal? Equality isn’t a women’s issue, or a queer person’s issue, it’s a HUMAN issue.

        • Hm, yeah, ok. Then it is just the phrase “human issue” being too close to the word “humanist”. Sorry, too many run ins with overly privileged men who find moral superiority in calling themselves “humanists” and look down on anyone who says they are feminist. Bad associations there.

          • Just for the record, though, as someone who identifies as a “humanist” – don’t get a bad impression of the world because of the way it’s been misused by douchey dudes. It really just means someone who has a great concern for human welfare and social justice.

      • Doesn’t this come down to an issue of visibility helping with acceptance, though? We know that it is easier for straight people to accept that we are not freaks when they personally know one of us, or when we are more visible in a rounded way on TV and in films. Isn’t this the same for the various elements of our LGBT community?

        Doesn’t it make it easier for us to accept each others’ various sexual and gender identities when we get to know (if only internetually) people whose identity is on a different colour of the LGBT rainbow than our own? For example, I know that I’ve learned a lot from Sebastian and Annika about trans* issues.

        I think it would be a shame if we all split off into our own little special interest groups and began to lose sight of what we have in common, focussing only on our differences. It seems to me that it would also be a lot easier for homophobes to undermine us through each other, if we had little understanding of our respective points of view.

        “We’re the colours of the rainbow
        Everybody’s on the yellow brick road”
        :p

  31. Wow, I love her hair/outfit in the pin up photoshoot. Yep, don’t have much to add here that hasn’t already been said. Awesome interview and persons involved, pretty much.
    I stopped reading the comments to the previous article when people started criticising her nails (seriously, guys). Glad that I apparently didn’t get to the biphobia. Us queers gotta stick together, c’mon; in-fighting is what the enemy WANTS.

  32. So thanks Jess, Riese, and especially Krisily (and Grace! omg)for a great interview.Riese, you are a very good and smart human.
    You know who’s really going to benefit the most from this, right? All our dogs! More trips to the dog park!

  33. I feel like I just want to point out that to me the comments on the original post weren’t as shaming as Krisily made them seem, like there was maybe 4 or 5 people who posted biphobic idiocy and the rest of the comments were the AS community being amazing as usual and trying to shout out the biphobia.

    I mean I know that there’s this whole bisexual/lesbian divide that happens on some queer girl sites (I’m looking at you afterellen) but really the community here on AS is the most inclusive and frankly well educated about queer issues all across the LGBTQIAAPADDYOURLETTERHERE spectrum. Certainly they do a better job than any other gay website that I visit, some of which I don’t even read the comments for because I know they’re going to throw me into fits of rage at the exclusivity.

    So I guess Krisily, I’m sorry that you felt judged here but it wasn’t really the AS community, it was just some random haters. You’re welcome here, we don’t judge.

  34. I think we are kinda missing one HUGE point. Like…Is she single? Like if I ever come to West hollywood and leave her my phone number will she call me back?

    And, most importantly, am I the only one imagining a threesome with her and Kate? :)

    Anyway I’m happy she got a chance to speak out. She seems like a really lovely girl!

  35. I will admit that I do not really know who this person is, as I have never watched “The Bachelor.” But coming out as an LGBTQ person is a brave thing to do, regardless. Bravo to you, and I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

    Reading the last paragraph of the interview, it reminds of a rule of thumb I try to live by: remember that, on the internet, there is an actual person on the other end, with feelings and emotions. And they should be treated as such. And remember that people are not sterotypes. As Sten said in Dragon Age, “People are not simple. They cannot always be defined for easy reference.”

    It is true that there are some various phobias and isms within our community. What helps me, personally, is reminding myself that for every person who espouses such an attitude, there are a dozen (or more) who do not and that love is the answer to the hatred and spite.

  36. “And I was like “No way! If I was going to like girls, I would have liked girls a long time ago. This doesn’t happen at my age. You see it on Oprah. It’s not real. They’re acting.””

    …I just wanna say thank you for this. I was feeling super alone, and this is just exactly what I’ve been experiencing. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.

    • You are not alone. It happens.

      It took me till I was 39 to figure it out… And then another year or so to realise that my attractions hadn’t *changed*, that the indications had always been there.
      In crushes that I hadn’t realised were crushes.
      In close, mutually-supportive friendships with other women who said they’d ‘never had such a close friendship with another woman and had no idea it could be like that’.
      In the fact that sooo many people thought I was gay when they first met me. Oh how I laughed! I thought they were so funny, thinking I was gay. *facepalm*

      Yeah. I’m slow on the uptake.

        • I was thinking about this today, and I think I know why it’s possible I didn’t know I at the very least had the inclination — I didn’t get along with girls when I was younger. They routinely excluded me so I never had any close friendships with them. I mean, I think on some level I thought they were cute, but I probably didn’t trust them very much until much later in life, when I started forming close friendships with women.

          Bear in mind, it’s just a theory I considered today, but I figure I’d put this out there in case it resonates with someone else.

  37. Thank you for finally pointing out the obese pink elephant in the room. Something that’s always bothered me about gays and lesbians in my area is that they’re usually more closed minded about sexuality than most of the straight people I know. It’s complete hypocracy to say that you want to be treated as a person and not a sexuality when you’re passing judgement on every bisexual you meet. I’m in high school right now, and I notice that bisexuality is becoming a trend, but honestly, sexuality is fluid. Lesbians can turn straight just as quickly as a straight girl can turn gay, but when a bisexual comes out it’s because they’re confused? I call shenanigans.

    Anyway, thank you again for discussing the topic. I hope that eventually people will where I live will realize that biphobia is a thing too.

    • I mostly agree with you, but please refer to Riese’s long comment above – sexuality really isn’t fluid for everyone, and it does not help either bisexuals OR lesbians to tell lesbians who are very sure of their sexuality that they can “turn straight” at any moment.

  38. Krisily Kennedy you are way attractive and this article totally made me happy and stuff, and honestly you should find out where Kate Moennig lives and go knocking on her door one night when it’s raining. Auto-makeout sesh!

    Also you guys upstairs should start local Solanas-inspired lez-only groups where you can better vent your frustration against bisexuals, because this site/fight doesn’t look good on you.

  39. Thank you. All of you. Jess, Krisily, Riese, and all the supportive commenters.

    I’ve been running into biphobia all over the place lately, been feeling rather hated on by the straights and the gays, and I needed this.

    Thank you.

  40. Why aren’t we talking about the fact that Rose, ROSE WHO WAS MEAN TO NATALIE FOR NO REASON EXCEPT THAT NATALIE WAS A WHINY BABY, is lesbian godfather of LA.
    I’m so into this Krisily because my guilty pleasure of the super hetero, misogynistic bachelor meets my real pleasure of queerness, BUT LESBIAN GODFATHER YOU GUYS. SO SO COOL

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