Sex Toy or Craft Beer?

Sex toys and craft beers have a striking number of things in common. They’re both subject to weird regulatory systems (reductively, for example, sex toys struggle with online marketing and have to be classified as either medical devices or novelties, and craft beer will soon have to comply with nutritional information guidelines). They’re both vaguely associated with witches (since broomsticks were obviously dildos used to vaginally administer herbal remedies, and since many of the symbols associated with witchcraft — cauldron, cat, pointed hat, broomstick again — were also associated with beer). And they both have some really fantastic naming conventions.

Either/or/both: you decide. Post your score in the comments for ten points to a Hogwarts house of your choice. (Obvious giveaways like “dildo” or “IPA” removed in a few cases because duh.)

1. Serendipity
2. Big Boss
3. Jelly King
4. Feeldoe
5. Oxballs Plumber
6. Slow Drive
7. Stronic Eins
8. Duchess
9. Witchshark
10. Monkish Feminist
11. Spur
12. Sexual Chocolate
13. Kandi Kisses
14. Daisy Cutter
15. Tank 7
16. Form 2
17. Horny Devil
18. Outlaw
19. Amorino
20. Skeleton Key
21. Cherry Bombin’ Roadster
22. Gaïa
23. Luxura
24. Lime Teaser
25. Tap It Continuum
26. Tonight Eternity
27. Equinox
28. Black Pearl
29. Ommegang Glimmerglass
30. Wolf Pup
31. Womanizer
32. Joque
33. Bullseye
34. Uinta Tinder
35. Déesse Nocturne
36. First Mate
37. Pee Wee
38. Bad Bunny
39. Iroha
40. Revolution


Sex toys: Big BossFeeldoeOxballs PlumberSlow DriveStronic EinsSpurKandi KissesForm 2AmorinoCherry Bombin’ RoadsterLime TeaserTonight EternityWomanizerJoqueBullseyeFirst MateIroha

Craft beer: Jelly King (Bellwoods Brewery), Witchshark (Bellwoods Brewery), Monkish Feminist (Monkish Brewing), Sexual Chocolate (Foothills Brewing Company), Daisy Cutter (Half Acre Beer Company), Tank 7 (Boulevard Brewing Company), Horny Devil (AleSimth Brewing Company), Skeleton Key (Bellwoods Brewery), Gaïa (Benelux), Luxura (Brouhaha), Tap It Continuum (Tap It Brewing), Equinox (Eagle Rock Brewery), Ommegang Glimmerglass (Brewery Ommegang), Wolf Pup (Golden Road Brewing), Uinta Tinder (Uinta Brewing Company), Déesse Nocturne (Dieu Du Ciel), Pee Wee (Dieu Du Ciel), Bad Bunny (Alameda Brewing), Revolution (Eagle Rock Brewery)

Both: Serendipity (Serendipity Mini Silicone Vibrator; New Glarus), Duchess (Tantus Duchess Ice; Brouwerij Verhaeghe), Outlaw (VixSkin Outlaw; Two Brothers Brewing)

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Ryan Yates

Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.



    (also I tried doing it but wrote down the numbers on a D column vs B (for beer) column and the results aren’t numbered and I have to go back through all of them ? Waah- too much work… Do I still get to say : 20 POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF?)

  2. Tank 7 is amazing and is a great aphrodisiac if you get turned on from drinking (like I do).

  3. The only reason I nailed that is because Bellwoods Brewery is my absolute fave <3

  4. The Panel this was at was actually the best Group Project I’ve ever participated in. Everyone brought something, we all trusted eachother, some of us knew more about Beers, some more about the Sex Toys. It was Beautiful.

  5. Wow, I got all of them correct except “Oxballs Plumber” and those labeled “both”. This might be because my favorite things are sex toys and craft beer.

  6. I got to 18 and gave up, but I definitely thought there were way more toys than beer names on that list. Glimmerglass? Bad Bunny?? So misleading!

  7. Bah, having ones on there that are both is cheating! I’m going to go pout in my craft beer while sitting on a dildo.

  8. I’m beyond proud of the fact I was a member of the team who won Sex Bar Trivia at Camp. ?

  9. a) 26 points for Ravenclaw!
    b) I looked it up–Black Pearl belongs in both categories.
    c) Oxballs Plumber is something that I would want in neither my mouth or my nether parts.

  10. 30 points for slytherin!!!

    the only one that really surprised me was lime teaser not being a beer…i don’t want anything related to limes near my sexy bits…but it *is* adorable.

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