Sex Toy or Craft Beer?

Sex toys and craft beers have a striking number of things in common. They’re both subject to weird regulatory systems (reductively, for example, sex toys struggle with online marketing and have to be classified as either medical devices or novelties, and craft beer will soon have to comply with nutritional information guidelines). They’re both vaguely associated with witches (since broomsticks were obviously dildos used to vaginally administer herbal remedies, and since many of the symbols associated with witchcraft — cauldron, cat, pointed hat, broomstick again — were also associated with beer). And they both have some really fantastic naming conventions.

Either/or/both: you decide. Post your score in the comments for ten points to a Hogwarts house of your choice. (Obvious giveaways like “dildo” or “IPA” removed in a few cases because duh.)

1. Serendipity
2. Big Boss
3. Jelly King
4. Feeldoe
5. Oxballs Plumber
6. Slow Drive
7. Stronic Eins
8. Duchess
9. Witchshark
10. Monkish Feminist
11. Spur
12. Sexual Chocolate
13. Kandi Kisses
14. Daisy Cutter
15. Tank 7
16. Form 2
17. Horny Devil
18. Outlaw
19. Amorino
20. Skeleton Key
21. Cherry Bombin’ Roadster
22. Gaïa
23. Luxura
24. Lime Teaser
25. Tap It Continuum
26. Tonight Eternity
27. Equinox
28. Black Pearl
29. Ommegang Glimmerglass
30. Wolf Pup
31. Womanizer
32. Joque
33. Bullseye
34. Uinta Tinder
35. Déesse Nocturne
36. First Mate
37. Pee Wee
38. Bad Bunny
39. Iroha
40. Revolution


Sex toys: Big BossFeeldoeOxballs PlumberSlow DriveStronic EinsSpurKandi KissesForm 2AmorinoCherry Bombin’ RoadsterLime TeaserTonight EternityWomanizerJoqueBullseyeFirst MateIroha

Craft beer: Jelly King (Bellwoods Brewery), Witchshark (Bellwoods Brewery), Monkish Feminist (Monkish Brewing), Sexual Chocolate (Foothills Brewing Company), Daisy Cutter (Half Acre Beer Company), Tank 7 (Boulevard Brewing Company), Horny Devil (AleSimth Brewing Company), Skeleton Key (Bellwoods Brewery), Gaïa (Benelux), Luxura (Brouhaha), Tap It Continuum (Tap It Brewing), Equinox (Eagle Rock Brewery), Ommegang Glimmerglass (Brewery Ommegang), Wolf Pup (Golden Road Brewing), Uinta Tinder (Uinta Brewing Company), Déesse Nocturne (Dieu Du Ciel), Pee Wee (Dieu Du Ciel), Bad Bunny (Alameda Brewing), Revolution (Eagle Rock Brewery)

Both: Serendipity (Serendipity Mini Silicone Vibrator; New Glarus), Duchess (Tantus Duchess Ice; Brouwerij Verhaeghe), Outlaw (VixSkin Outlaw; Two Brothers Brewing)

Carolyn Yates was formerly the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Her writing has appeared in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She lives in Los Angeles by way of Montreal and Toronto. Find her on twitter or instagram.

Carolyn has written 988 articles for us.



    (also I tried doing it but wrote down the numbers on a D column vs B (for beer) column and the results aren’t numbered and I have to go back through all of them ? Waah- too much work… Do I still get to say : 20 POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF?)

  2. The Panel this was at was actually the best Group Project I’ve ever participated in. Everyone brought something, we all trusted eachother, some of us knew more about Beers, some more about the Sex Toys. It was Beautiful.

  3. I know nothing about sex toys or craft beer (How is that different from beer? Is it, like, Indie beer or something?) and I got 14 correct! So, points to… I don’t know. I spent my childhood not being able to figure out if I was a Ravenclaw or a Gryffindor. I thought maybe I was a Ravenclaw who wanted to be a Gryffindor because they are the center of all the HP books and I identified with the main characters. But then Pottermore sorted me into Gryffindor, which makes me very happy and affirmed, but I also feel a loss for my Ravenclaw self. 5 points to Gryffindor and 5 points to Ravenclaw!

    (I may have gotten 15 right. What is Black Pearl? I can’t find it on the list.)

  4. a) 26 points for Ravenclaw!
    b) I looked it up–Black Pearl belongs in both categories.
    c) Oxballs Plumber is something that I would want in neither my mouth or my nether parts.

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