Under the hand-held shaky cam, a lightning crash blew street litter and white arms and serious chiffon up the former teen idol’s silhouette to fill the frame with her enormous sweeping asshole. She tensed and fell slack under the blast and just as the cavalry roared in to save this helpless twitching doppelgänger from herself, I hit another paywall. I was blowing through photoshop porn reel fails (cue the opening credits of “Pixie Twins Lost in Europe Pt. 2”) with that hallmark distorted scale — where the foreground hides and flattens famous city skylines. With a soft spot for genuine amateurish production, it doesn’t take sophisticated world-building for me to take the bait and thrash around to a two-minute loop of a suggestive open mouth kiss, but the motion blur of bondage on a child sized replica of the Eiffel tower soured me on the tour guide.
I was on week two of an admittedly half-serious sex challenge after a delicious back and forth with a hypnotist on Lex fizzled abruptly....
You've Reached A+ Content!
Independent queer media is more important in 2020 than ever. We need lesbian and queer media that centers the voices of our community, that tells our truths, that covers relevant stories and issues — and we REFUSE to put Autostraddle behind a paywall because we want to be there for our community. In fact, A+ members are an important part of our business model because we won't put up a paywall for most of our content, we ask that, if you can, you support us in keeping this space here for everyone. That's why we occasionally have A+ Content like this — to thank our A+ Members who support Autostraddle and keep us here for everyone who needs us. You can become a member and join this fabulous lesbian and queer illuminati for just $1 / week.
With media outlets furloughing and laying off staff or sometimes closing outright due to the global pandemic, Autostraddle has been able to hold out thanks to community members like you. We believe that in this year, 2020, it's more important than ever to keep queer media independent and working for our community. If you believe the same, will you help us out? Will you be the next person to join the queer illuminati working behind the scenes to keep this space here and unapologetically GAY? Memberships start at just $4 a month and every dollar makes a difference!
Where do A+ Member dollars go? When you pay for A+, your money becomes GAY and goes toward paying the LGBTQ humans who make Autostraddle possible. Your membership supports the kind, loving, hilarious, radical and challenging work you’re here for. Besides that, sometimes we need to mail things and pay for our server and tech support and get some pens and stuff. ABOVE ALL, A+ Members help sustain Autostraddle and our future. Plus, A+ members get a direct line to the team, their advice questions answered anonymously, hot perks and their names enshrined in our gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer hearts forever.
Did you know Cobalt Membership starts at just $1 a week? Every dollar matters when it comes to helping Autostraddle thrive, build queer community, and be here for the next person who needs us.
Already a member? Sign in