It’s summer and tomato season is nearly upon us. Perhaps you are a gardener. Perhaps you are masking up and attending local farmer’s markets. Maybe you are just trudging through the threatening minefield of your local supermarket, or pulling mysterious fruits and vegetables from your oh-so-local farm CSA. Either way, it’s August, and you are very likely going to be confronted with a gorgeous heirloom tomato that leaves you asking yourself: Who names tomato varieties, and why are they so horny?
You can bet I asked myself this question in June while planting my vegetable garden. As someone who has worked in a feminist sex shop, let me tell you, some of these plants really do sound like professionally manufactured sex machines. So, let’s put your intersection of queer interests to the tests and see how many you can get right. Tomato variety, or sex toy?
Tomato Variety or Sex Toy?
My go-to tomatoes are juliets and better boys. Turns out juliets are both, while better boys are somehow only tomatoes.
This made me cackle.
This was a delightful read! I’m not a fan of raw tomatoes but the names make me wish I were.
IS THIS REALLY REAL! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE!
Heather! It is real I swear! I backed up all my sources! I have the seed catalog to prove it!
I thought I would do better than I did for all the time I’ve spent poring over tomato varieties for the big annual plant sale I go to!
I was extremely bad at this.
Shockingly, since I eat so many tomatoes I own a special tomato knife.
The area I grew up has a ridiculous amount of greenhouses where a large part of the 900 milion kilo tomatoes the Dutch grow per year are grown. I feel like I let down my tribe. This is a very sad day.
(Google says the Netherlands is the size of about half a South Carolina or 6,13% of Texas. We’re also the second in worldwide agricultural export. Tomatoes are a big deal.)
IZZY!!!!!!
i know that this stuff is probably the least Important work on autostraddle but it is also my favorite kind of post and i am very grateful for it.
Balance is important :) I appreciate how Autostraddle puts out a lot of different kinds of content.
This is amazing. I am a tomato homo as well, and have Mr. Stripey and Black Russian growing in my balcony this summer. Who comes up with these names!!!
There are blue tomatoes!
There are a few different cultivars. I’m growing a variety this year called Osu Blue. They are a very deep midnight blue.
Apparently it’s a cross between a domestic variety and a wild blue type tomato. They are taking forever! to ripen though.
No idea what they’re going to taste like.
Umm. Wow. OK. I’m going to have to complete this quiz when I’m not using my work laptop. I was not expecting that first answer!
These are all great, but my favourite tomato variety remains the Better Bush
Some peach or nectarine variety at the farmer’s market the other day was called “FLAVOR DADDY.” damn
PARKS
BEEFY
BOY
I did worse than I expected. I honest thought some of them were really both.
this is the greatest quiz ever, brb, going to make a whole line of sex toys named after tomatoes
tomatoes, long regarded as the horniest agricultural product
Y’all. This is it. This is the post that has tipped me over the edge to donate to Autostraddle again. Because thoughtful commentary on Kamala Harris’s nomination next to this hilarious post is exactly the blend of content I just can’t get anywhere else.
I was so bad at this! The tomato names were so tricky, but I assumed everything could be a sex toy
I work on a farm and my team was like this is the queer tomato content we didn’t know we needed. also park’s beefy boy collectively sent us over the edge, in all the ways
queer tomato content made me lol
wow i scored horribly! but this was super surprising and funny!
I love this article! I think the next quiz should be camping equiptment or sex toy!
Thanks for sharing this information here