Pretty Little Liars Episode 515 Recap: Eat Around The Hair

When Emily arrives the bookstore to stuff her empanadas, she discovers that Ezra has hired a midnight caterer to bake and serve professionally prepared foods so Emily can enjoy opening night as a guest and but don’t worry, he’s still going to pay her. What he doesn’t get — and it’s good and right that he doesn’t get it because he should be involved in the drama of these children’s lives! — is that becoming a caterer was Emily’s way of trying to save her relationship with Paige, and if Pam Fields’ savory meat pies aren’t magical enough to heal this gaping wound in her heart, what hope do any of us have for happiness?

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You are not an Alex Vause; that’s insane. You’re a Morello.

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Bring me a pair of glasses and see how long you can go without making out with me.

Hanna decides to pay a little visit to the penitentiary.

Alison: Finally, good lord.
Hanna: I came here to tell you to stop whatever bullshit you’re doing with Holbrook.
Alison: Dude, if I were A — like if I really did have maical torture powers — do you not think I would have kept myself out of jail or breathed fire on you guys when you formed a human chain to keep me from running away?
Hanna: Probably, but I lost the last fuck I had to give in a pile of guts in an RV park last night, so.
Alison: See you at Aria’s funeral, I guess. I’ll be the one getting slapped in the head.

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Well, you’d better learn to eat around the hair if you’re going to live up to Aria’s fan fiction fantasies.

At the bookstore opening, Emily tries to force feed Spencer an empanada, going so far as to tell her to EAT AROUND THE HAIR but Spencer has a whole other cooking problem and it is that she tried to cook a murder weapon and A stole it from her. It’s a problem for many reasons, including: she told Toby she was just going to leave it in the woods. When he finds out what she has done, he yells at her for ruining his life’s work of being a police officer and storms off into the night. She cries. Toby should probably go to California, too, to be honest. Because he is a hundred-year-old ghost soldier, Caleb seems made for this life, and because he is a monster person, Ezra also seems made for this life. Toby, like Paige, just wants to exist peacefully and do woodwork, man. Worse news than her boyfriend is so mad at her is the news that Boots the Newsie is moving into her backyard.

Emily goes into the kitchen and starts flinging stuff around and yelling at the caterer about how her relationship is over and fuck you and your caviar and your ability to prepare finger foods for hundreds of people without wanting to die. Emily is such a glory when she’s angry and heartbroken. Like when she got drunk at the school dance when Maya went to drug prison. And that time when she told Sydney she was going to eat her liver with some Cheerios. And like now. It’s weird. It’s like she becomes more flawless with every step she takes toward Radley.

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This knife work is terrible. What did you use, a hatchet?

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No, I worked with the same knife I used to KILL A GUY.

The caterer gives Emily so much side-eye, which also is a kind of glory — but then she helps Emily rescue her empanadas with some almonds on top or some kind of special sauce of whatever thing always saves the day on reality cooking competitions. I hope they don’t hook up. They probably are going to hook up. But I hope they don’t. The show could always time-jump if it wants to put Liars in relationships with adults, right? Just do that. Only age-appropriate relationships and let the Liars start talking to each other again instead of the boys in 2015! (I do hope the caterer stays, though. More women of color on the television is just the thing my heart needs! And goodness, a competent adult is a breath of fresh air!)

A tortures Aria by sending her a bookmark with her Talmadge essay printed on it. This after Ezra introduced her to a college admissions person just this very night! Oh, Aria! Why can you never appreciate what Ezra does for you! He’s watching your back, literally, every second of the day. Why do you always have to hurt him so! Can you just try to be slammin’, for like one second of your life?

Also, not slammin’? Hanna peeps Jason sneaking down the stairs after having had sexual intercourse with her mother.

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Oh, Aria. Spencer would never say “my nipples are erect for you.”

And at the jailhouse, Ali gets a new jumpsuit with a note inside, insisting that the Liars will see her very soon. I hope this means they will be joining her in prison.

A big ol’ thank you to Nicole (@PLLBigA) for the screencaps! Follow her on the Twitter machine so you can be in the know! And a big ol’ thank you for your patience. I know this recap is super late; it has been a week!

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Heather Hogan

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her wife, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 1286 articles for us.

32 Comments

  1. daaaamn it heather hogan I miss your pretty little liars recaps so much but I haven’t been able to watch any of season 5 and I hate spoilers and it is so damn hard for me not to read them! Also my little punk-ass bitch cousin told me that Mona died and I still have not recovered, so I’m not sure how to proceed from here.

  2. “The laser pointer these kittens are chasing today”: ACCURATE.

    This was such a meh episode, but hilarious recap!

    God, Aria is the worst. Less Aria please. Less Toby. And way way way less Ezra.

    Caleb can stay, but only if he stops ruining Spencer’s evidence-destroying fun.

  3. I’m sorry but saying what Aria said in that letter is true is insulting to the very premise of the show. Aria was never isolated from the Liars, in fact she grew closer to them as that relationship developed.

    • Because all a woman needs is a man and her life will get better, right?

      The thing is, he DID victimize Aria. He targeted and seduced an underage girl who is way more than three years younger than him. And before her friends and family found out about the relationship she was isolated, she couldn’t talk to anyone about her relationship.

      Ezria is SO NOT the premise of this show

    • I wonder why you’re so keen on defending the relationship between a grown man and an underage girl, Jared. In the comments to the last recap, you even used the mighty argument of “it’s been done this way for thousands of years”, which is quite possibly the worst argument in human history to ever be used. It’s called ethics. Our understanding of it is continually evolving; that’s called PROGRESS. Are there other time-honored traditions you like to uphold regardless of the consequences they have on those in the position of less power? Do tell.

  4. So, Spencer heard a window blind clacking from all the way down the hall? Or is that what her brain told her she was doing while she was cooking Caleb? Did she close the window, or close the kiln?
    #SpencerIsCocoaForCuckooPuffs

  5. Why are they turning Hanna into a genius? That’s the role that Spencer already has. It’s sort of coming out of left field, too. They’ve slowly built it up, but she’s spent the first three…four seasons being…sort of an idiot really. Using words the wrong way, or giving them the wrong definitions. That sort of thing. So why now are they making her über smart? You would need such a person to catch A, who is apparently also a genius, but once again, Spencer fills that role. However, what if Spencer is A? You would need to build Hanna up in order to catch Spencer. On top of that, both Troian Bellisario and Ashley Benson know who A is. That’s not conclusive in and of itself, but it’s one more thing to throw on the pile.

  6. I’ll just say what I said at AE:

    Is it still age-inappropriate if Emily’s 18? I mean how old do you have to be to be a caterer/chef?

    And I’ll add that someone over there told me the actress playing the chef is 4 or 5 years younger than Shay

  7. This episode was one of the dumbest fucking episodes ever. Everyone kept making the stupidest decisions, and multiple times my girlfriend and I were asking “Why the fuck are we watching this?”

    Talia was the only good thing. She is probably going to be Emily’s next kissing friend.

    • I really liked this episode just for the Emily storyline. Everything else was just par for the course for the girls unfortunately, as much as I loved them. I knew that one or both of them was going to be shut in that kiln the second they brought that idea up.

  8. I have lots of Feelings about this show right now. This is some of them:

    – Sometimes I read the comments of recaps with statements such as, “I can only watch this show because of these recaps!” and I’m always like “Come on, these recaps are great, but the show is good too”. WELL, NO LONGER. This show has been going rapidly downhill since the “Ezra is A” letdown. I need these recaps now to get through it, so thanks Heather and commenters! (I would stop watching but I’ve invested so much time! Plus, queer women, and Hanna.)

    – I don’t know if it was just the British Netflix version of this show, but did anyone else catch the Tegan and Sara?! It was glorious.(Also enjoyed the Lykke Li song!)

    – I am so angry with this show right now, because it has so much potential and it is squandering it all. WHY is it introducing all of these pointless new characters rather than developing the ones it already has? (not just the Liars themselves, but their permanently Out of Town families, and people like Jenna! Noel!) Of course, I love Talia, but still. THEY KILLED OFF MONA AND SHANA COSTUME SHOP AND MAYA FOR THIS?

    – Was no one else amused by the “trying to insert cream into grapes” montage?

    – Likewise…was it supposed to be hilarious when Spencer, Toby and Caleb convened and Caleb was all “I’ve touched that knife before. I’ve touched it….NUMEROUS TIMES”?

    – Sasha Pieterse is a brilliant actress. More of her interacting with characters other than Toby!

    – And just generally…I’ve been struggling to keep up with this show for a while, but now it’s getting to point where I can’t even follow the basics. It shouldn’t be this hard, surely?

    THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME GET THROUGH THIS POP CULTURAL QUAGMIRE EVERYONE!

    • They didn’t kill off mona to tell someone else’s story. They killed off mona to tell Monas story. And they are introducing Jonny and talia as short term love interests. They cant exactly do that with the parents. They never introduce side characters to tell that characters story but to further one of the liar’s story. You should know this by now.

  9. Heather, can you please make a timeline for this school year? As far as I understand the school year started with the night of where Emily time travels and ends up in the graveyard, then the Don’t look away kiss, the killing of Nate, the Halloween train, the resurrection of Ali, the killing of: Shana, Mrs D, Mona, Holden, the other cop. Wait did spencer go to Radley and overcome an addiction to speed too?

    If I’m right it makes sense that Emily would loose all concept of time and want to visit Paige for spring break two weeks ago.

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