This is a recap of the ninth episode of the third season of Orange Is the New Black, a full-length stop-motion animated film about the intergalactic sexual exploits of Sunflower Rockcocker’s lesbian followers.


Piper’s Panties is an outrageous success. The inmates are making them, wearing them, dropping them off at the correct location at the correct time, and the new Babyface Guard is smuggling them out the door to Piper’s brother, who is selling them on the Dark Web. In addition to exploiting her fellow inmates just like the giant corporation of white guys who took over Litchfield, Piper is also enjoying staring lustilly at Ruby Rose all the day long. It’s a good time to be Piper Chapman.

s03e09_19
My milkshake brings all the bois to the yard.
s03e09_20
Damn right, it’s better than yours.

It’s also — finally! — a good time to be Suzanne Warren. Her erotic fiction has become as worshipped as Norma in these hallowed halls, and so has Suzanne herself. Her groupies crowd around in the bathroom and the cafeteria and talk about what a genius she is, about her characters’ motivations, about the various sorts of tentacled situations they would also like to find themselves in with ol’ Sunflower. Suzanne becoming a beloved literary icon for just being her weird, wonderful self is hands down my favorite thing to ever happen on this show. (Maybe next season Soso can catch such a break.)

It is not a good time to be one of the dozens of Litchfield-ians who have recently converted to Judaism to avoid eating the slop they’re being served by their new corporate overlords. Danny has brought in a Rent-A-Rabbi to test them on their Jewish-ness to see if they actually qualify for kosher meals, which Caputo impotently complains is just another in a seemingly endless line of jackass behaviors by MCC. He’s pretty sure Danny’s violating the Constitution and also possibly is an Orwellian nightmare. Danny shrugs off the criticism like he shrugs off all criticism, and then goes home to swim in his vault full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.

s03e09_63
You painted the heart on Pluto, didn’t you, Norma?

Norma and her followers are having a service in the chapel when the lady who runs the Catholic group clomps in and kicks them out. She says they can’t just hang out in here and seek spiritual enlightenment unless they’re devoted members of a recognized religion that is responsible for the murder of millions of people throughout the course of human history. Also they need rules. Written ones. Leanne jumps up and says, “Hey! We’ve got a belief system; we believe in kindness and acceptance, and finding the peace within that can then radiate out into the world and create change. Through silent meditation, we address the war of pain and loneliness and tame it. And through reflection, we can see nothingness. And in nothingness, we find clarity. We have faith.”

Yeah, no, sorry. The Catholic lady already reserved the chapel; Norma’s followers gotta skedaddle.

Flashback! Leanne is tripping balls around a fire with some other kids who are also high and saying things about the ephemeral nature of life and the thirst of a weary soul while also chomping on some s’mores. Leanne excuses herself to use the restroom and stare in the mirror for a long time. The next morning, she stashes her backpack full of drugs in a cornfield and puts on her bonnet and walks home past a horse and buggy. Leanne is Amish, y’all. Amazing reveal! She walks into the front door of her house and talks to her mama in German and tells her she’s home from Rumspringa and ready to get her baptism on.

s03e09_141
You scared the shit out of me!
s03e09_139
I know I look like a life-sized Cabbage Patch Doll right now, but it’s me! Your human daughter!

Red is so dejected about the new horrible bags of food she’s being forced to serve everyone that she has taken to lounging away her afternoon playing gin with the staff and making gagging noises instead of being the boss of the kitchen. It is into this bleak scene that Sophia wanders to yell at Gloria about how their sons teamed up to beat the hell out of another kid so bad that he ended up in the hospital. Sophia thinks it’s Bennie’s bad. Gloria thinks it’s Michael’s. Unfortunately for Gloria, Sophia’s the one with the car and the wife willing to drive it to Litchfield, so Bennie’s not invited to visit anymore.

Out at the loading dock, Coates is acting real familiar with Pennsatucky about donuts while she waits for the kitchen people to get the new slop bags out of the van. She’s aloof and so what and whatever, and he wants to know what in the world could be causing her to act like they’re not a couple of John Greene characters in the full blossom of love. It’s because she’s a prisoner and he’s a guard and he’s going to ruin everything if the other inmates realize they’ve become buddies. (Spoiler alert: That is not how he’s going to ruin everything! He sucks infinitely worse than that and I hate him with all my whole heart!)

s03e09_194
A lot of people ship us, though, Poussey.
s03e09_184
I do not.

In the TV room, Taystee, Janae, Yoga Jones and Sister Ingalls are gathered for their daily news fix on the fate of Judy King. When Poussey arrives, they scoot over to make room for her to cuddle on in, but she’s there for a meeting of Normaism. She and Soso have joined up for the same reason: because they’re lost and alone and fully, clinically depressed. They want the clear eyes, full hearts part of this whole thing, but Leanne has decided that if they don’t have hard-ass commandments written in Elizabethan English, no one’s going to take them seriously. Soso pushes back against her and gets booted right out of Normaism. Poussey’s not feeling it. If she wanted to join the cult of a tyrant, she would have just followed Vee’s orders a whole season ago. She splits to re-up her membership in the Judy King Fan Club.

Don’t want to see ads? Join AF+

Flashback! At Leanne’s baptism, she takes a moment to break all the rules of being a woman and speak in church. It’s just that she’s so overwhelmed with gratitude that she gets to come home and be part of this community again, that they’ve welcomed her back. She quotes Rachel Berry, all, “Being a part of something special makes you special,” but before she can burst into a solo of “Defying Gravity,” her dad shushes her and the pastor baptizes her and that’s that. She apologizes to her pops when they’re leaving church, but he says he’d rather have one of her than ten silent, pious daughters.

s03e09_241
If you could teach me to turn water into wine, that’d be really useful for my future life.

God tests his statement as soon as it comes out of his mouth. Some police show up clutching Leanne’s meth-filled backpack that she left in the corn.

Suzanne is doing a little Q&A with her fans over lunch. Wait, no. First, Black Cindy tells her she doesn’t have to eat the crap from the food sacks because they’re the chosen ones now and they can have kosher meals. And then Taystee tells her not to buy into the propaganda that makes people think yogurt tastes like key lime pie or chocolate cake, because at the end of the spoon, it’s just “gnarly curds” like always. And then Red comes up and goes, “I want you to know I had nothing to do with what you’re eating! It came from a bag, and is in no way a reflection of what I do!” (“Okay.” “Okay.”)

And now it is time for Suzanne’s Q&A with her fans. They’ve got dessert for her, to stimulate her creativity. They’ve got lots of questions about her process (“I think of shit and I write it down.”) and who she bases her characters on and technical questions about the logistics of having two penises with shockers on them. Maureen wants Suzanne to add in a chapter for the lesbians and this just sends Taystee over the edge; she goes, “She has done enough for the lesbians! What has she done for the Not Lesbians?” She wants Black Cindy to agree with her, but Black Cindy is invested now that she heard about the double shocker penises.

s03e09_283
Maybe one of Rodcocker’s penises is a Horcrux, I don’t know, who’s to say.
s03e09_267
NO. TOO FAR.

Alex invites Lolly to join her for lunch, hoping to crack the code on her creepin’, but she is unsuccessful. Lolly is even more sinister when she says words instead of just peeping around corners like Inspector Gadget. Red interrupts Alex’s interrogation to reiterate that she did not make this food, and then Alex starts grilling Lolly about what she’s in for, where she’s from, how much time she has, what’s her favorite color — but Lolly mostly just grunts and shrugs and then leaves in a huff to “go take a quiz” when she’s had enough questions. Morello is glad she’s a sane, normal person; Lolly freaks her out.

s03e09_328
You don’t even know what I dreamed about last night, do you? You don’t even love me at all?
s03e09_327
No, I know. I know. Was it, um, the recurring one where Queen Elizabeth adopts you and names you her heir?

Alex: Whatever, tell Piper I tried.
Piper: Tried what?
Alex: To have a scene with someone who isn’t you for once, but hello.
Piper: Cal’s coming tomorrow to tell us how Piper’s Panties is doing.
Alex: Cool.
Piper: Are you looking at someone who isn’t me?
Alex: No.
Piper: Are you thinking about someone who isn’t me?
Alex: No.
Piper: Are you seriously worried about literally just staying alive right now and not about whatever thing is the most important to me? For example, Panties?
Alex: No.
Piper: Yes you are and now I am going to cheat on you but remember this moment because you deserve it.

The time has come for the inmates to be tested on their commitment to Judaism. It’s my favorite montage the show has ever done. Taystee and Black Cindy are best because duh. Taystee says what she hates is “shrimps, damn dirty shrimps.” She hates them so much she doesn’t even want to talk about it. Black Cindy basically just lifts her life story from Annie Hall and Yentl. Actually, Angie is hilarious too: “There was a big book where I wrote down all the people I wish was dead, who, um, you know, God comes and kills them and not my peopl—me?”

s03e09_335
Who is A?
s03e09_342
It’s gotta be Wren, right? He had access to everything at Radley. He’s faking that accent.
s03e09_345
Possibly a tag-team of Tippi the Bird, Pepe the Gravedigger, and Cooper the Raccoon?
s03e09_343
The patriarchy, how many times do I have to explain this shit?
s03e09_351
It’s totally Aria.
s03e09_375
What’s that statutory rapist named? Oh, right, Every Man In Rosewood.

Gloria’s in the kitchen worrying about Bennie when Aleida comes in dropping trans slurs all over the place and talking general shit about Sophia and her inability to parent properly, which: is rich coming from the woman who literally just tried to sell her daughter’s unborn baby for commissary money. Gloria brushes off the slurs and says she should probably apologize to Sophia, for Bennie’s sake, but Aleida tells her you should never put the needs of your child over your own personal need to fuel the fire of your Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Gloria listens to her for some reason.

Don’t want to see ads? Join AF+

The ladies of Normaism are still trying to work out the tenants of their faith. Leanne’s new thing isn’t just commandments, but also like maybe they could get the same haircut or an armband or some other Nazi-type thing. You know, for excluding people. Poussey really has had it with Leanne hijacking the movement, and so has Norma. She scrawls “KINDNESS!” on her notepad and Leanne sighs and rolls her eyes.

s03e09_440
Have you ever painted with all the colors of the wind? For real though?
s03e09_447
Jesus. Can I just buy some heroin? Speak up when you say yes.

Flashback! Leanne is wearing secular teenage people clothes under which is a wire the FBI is using to record her scoring drugs from her Amish campfire friends. She doesn’t want to do it, but it’s that or jail, so she doesn’t really have a choice. She returns to the cranker flock and explains that she couldn’t deal with all the Rules when she went back home, so she has returned to get high and stare into the fire some more. The main drug guy, he hooks her up.

Ruby Rose is standing around naked in the bathroom complimenting Piper on — honestly, it doesn’t even matter. Piper masturbates to the voice memos she leaves for herself on her iPhone. It doesn’t matter that Ruby Rose is naked or flirting or a genuinely nice, thoroughly underdeveloped character. It matters that she thinks Piper is awesome. It’s a thing Piper also thinks. A person willing to celebrate the wonder of Piper is going to get into Piper’s pants. It’s her favorite foreplay.

s03e09_484
So I’m running at you like this, right, fast as a I can, and I plow you over. Of course you’re going to drop the baseball.
s03e09_482
Oh my god, fine. You’re the best baseball player in the world, so much better than your sister, can we talk about literally anything else?

Alex and Lolly are working together in the garden when Lolly trips and smashes into a window in the toolshed and cuts her arm. Also she apparently stashes a sword-sized piece of glass in her shirt or something because Alex mentally reassembles the shattered glass with her mind and freaks out when she discerns that a piece is missing. Lolly doesn’t know what she’s talking about. There’s no glass sword up her sleeve. She’s not going to use it to cut out Alex’s heart while she sleeps.

Leanne takes Norma’s advice of KINDNESS and goes to Soso’s bunk to apologize. She opens up about her Amish roots, and Soso and Chang think it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard in their lives. Chang calls her “Harrison Ford in Witness,” which is a really clever little writing thing because Chang assuming she knows everything about being Amish because she saw an ’80s movie about it is the same thing Black Cindy did with Annie Hall and being Jewish. Guess how well their ridicule sits with Leanne? Ding, ding, ding! It sets her blood on fire! She tosses out a racial slur and jets, returning to Norma to tell her Soso just doesn’t want to be a part of the group anymore.

Flashback! Leanne’s Amish community is shunning her because the kids she busted for being dealers were all Amish, so now everyone’s teenagers are in jail and she’s not allowed to have any cake. After the picnic where everyone jeers and hisses at her, Leanne overhears her mom and dad talking about how her mom should not have let her eat in front of everyone because it’s her fault their kids are in jail and you know that means her parents have to publicly starve her. It’s in the Bible. Leanne’s mom says she’s not going to not feed her own kid, get real, but Leanne’s dad says it’s that or their store is going to go out of business.

s03e09_529
Would Jesus throw his pie for me?

Leanne goes back to her room and decides the best thing she can do for her family is to run away. And so she does.

In the cafeteria, everyone is getting turned away for kosher meals, except Sister Ingalls. She says she passed the test because all Abrahamic religions are pretty much the same until you get to Jesus. Red has just had it. She climbs up onto the serving table and hollers out to everyone that she is not responsible for this food! “THE FOOD YOU EAT DOES NOT HAVE EVEN A PIECE OF MY SOUL IN IT,” is what she says, and I guess that philosophy explains why she thought she could eat that magical chicken and absorb its powers back in season one.

Don’t want to see ads? Join AF+

Maureen bebops out into the yard to sit with Suzanne while she writes, which: is adorable, but no, girl. Writers can’t write when you crowd in on them like that and talk to them and look at them. If you’re going to fall in love with a writer, prepare to spend a lot of time listening to her say stuff like, “I can see the words but I can’t them obey me” and then going to sit in a room by herself for three hours to stare at the wall. Oh, but Maureen is so into her, y’all! My heart is full to bursting watching how into Suzanne Maureen is! Suzanne’s writing makes Maureen feel like she’s not alone, and she tells Suzanne that if anyone ever felt the way Sunflower feels, they’re also not alone. She says this while snuggling right up next to Suzanne and leaning against the tree with her, and it freaks Suzanne out so bad that she grabs her notepad and pen and runs away like she’s got to go take a quiz.

s03e09_590
I was just thinking, you know how you’re always tasting your own tongue without realizing it?
s03e09_584
How about if I taste yours?

Piper meets with Cal. The business is going well. Super well. Piper is so pleased with her genius that she spontaneously orgasms right there in the visitation room while eating a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Sophia calls Michael and finds out it was him, not Bennie, who instigated the hate crime on the gay kid who ended up in the hospital. Bennie, in fact, ran away because he didn’t want to be a part of Michael’s bullshit. Ruh-roh. Sophia goes to the kitchen to apologize to Gloria, who is in there giving Red a pep talk about how she needs to stop acting like a defeated little baby and Red-up and take control of this slop situation, but Sophis changes her mind at the last minute. I don’t know why. Maybe because if she admits out loud that Michael is the problem, she has to face some facts about herself as a parent that she’s not ready to handle.

s03e09_644
Am I more annoying than Brandon Adams Foster?
s03e09_645
Don’t be ridiculous; no one is more annoying than Brandon Adams Foster.

Pennsatucky and Coates stop at the duck pond to feed their mallards some donuts and things get real rapey real fast. It’s all cute and she’s a puppy and whatever, and then he throws a donut and forces her to go fetch it from the mud with her mouth, after which he slams her up against a tree and kisses her grossly and forcefully while she doesn’t respond at all, not even a little bit. He pulls away and “apologizes” and her face is just fucking heartbreaking. It’s like she already knows what’s going to happen, and she has absolutely no power to stop it.

Alex pretends to read a book while watching Lolly watch her, and when Lolly finally leaves her bunk to go to the bathroom, Alex creeps on over and rifles through her shit. Inside her cabinet is a notepad. Inside the notepad are details of every move Alex makes. Alex doesn’t have a girlfriend with whom she can talk about this horrific revelation because Piper is so high on Piper’s Panties that she stops by Ruby Rose’s bunk to see if Ruby has anymore super flattering things to say about her. Ruby does. Ruby does. She’s also got some ideas to make Piper’s business even more successful and make Piper even more rich. And so Piper kisses her right on the mouth.

s03e09_783
Say my name. Like my full name. And then do an acrostic describing how amazing I am.

Alex needs a new religion. I hope she chooses Sunflower Rodcockism.