Q:
I’ve been going on dates with this gorgeous girl for almost 3 months now and she says she wants to keep seeing me but I’m struggling with feeling confused and undesired bc her words and body language don’t line up. For context, we’re both in our early/mid 20s. I know she’s new to being more openly out of the closet and this is her first time dating a girl and navigating a lot of shame around being treated as the ‘predatory lesbian’ stereotype and I want to support her with it. At the same time it’s confusing navigating dating w someone who doesn’t initiate touching me sexually even when we’re alone.
She says she does really desire me but gets in her head afraid to not please me, but it’s not like it’s pleasing me to get so anxious you’re not being present with me. I feel like she’s putting pressure on herself bc she’s more masc, but I’ve told her I’m not expecting anything and just want to have fun together whatever that looks like (and TBH I’ve never personally encountered a butch/masc I would consider dominate sexually + I quite enjoy leading things with an enthusiastic partner) and I don’t really know how to best support her more. If I giggle during a makeout she’ll look at me and say “What?” and I know she’s got like performance anxiety, but I’m not laughing at her and it makes me feel tense and policed and I don’t personally want sex to be a super serious thing or to have to justify having a tiny giggle here and there.
I feel like she wants explicit instructions and I could do that if that was the only issue but the bigger thing is that her anxiety makes her act stiff and hesitant in a way that reads to me as lack of enthusiasm or attraction even though she says she’s never wanted anyone more. I’m already lowkey taking sex off the table for now bc her level of anxiety is making me feel uncomfortable and I’m not willing to do more physically with someone I can’t tell is 100% present and interested.
I really like her aside from that but I’m worried this is potentially a sign that we’re not in compatible timings in our lives rn. This is definitely something I can support her through as a friend but I don’t want to give up on our romantic connection either when she’s telling me she wants to keep seeing me and everything is good when we’ve got our clothes on. At the same time, I think being awkward around intimacy like that is a sign of a broader issue about internalised shame and I don’t want her to feel pressured to just get over it when these things take their own time. Is it doomed dating someone who isn’t really comfortable in themself yet? I’d love some advice please.
A:
Alright, so your partner’s anxious about intimacy, which makes you uncomfortable. As you’ve likely realised by now, your discomfort is probably making her anxiety worse. Rinse and repeat. What can we do about this?
As I see it, there are two main components here: her anxiety, and your discomfort. An effective solution has to address both, and it may call for compromise.
Before launching into solutions, let’s talk about your compatibility concerns. Is it doomed dating someone who isn’t really comfortable with themselves yet? Not as a general rule, but if their self-image trips up important aspects of your relationship (like sex), it can be. It’s possible the two of you are at such different points of self-discovery in your queerness that this relationship will not work out. However the only person who can decide this is you.
I advise giving things a fighting chance before breaking it off, but you have to ask yourself whether your energy is being met in kind. Have you spoken to your partner about these concerns? If so, how has she reacted? It’s fine if things haven’t progressed as much as you’d like, but do you feel like she’s changed her behaviour and put in effort? This only works if you both want it. If you haven’t yet had an open, honest conversation with her about this, that’s always a good first step. Going forward, take note of whether she acts on your concerns. If not, I’m afraid this relationship is dead in the water.
Managing your partner’s sexual anxiety
I think it’s good that you’ve taken sex off the table for now, as it will probably take pressure off your partner. In the meantime, I think you should focus on non-sexual intimacy. Touching, kissing, cuddling — these are all fun things to do, but they’ll also get her used to the kind of intimacy that can lead to sex without overt pressure.
Furthermore, I think it’s a good idea to focus on forms of intimacy that relax your partner. Things like cuddling on the couch while watching a comfort show, or more elaborate, like giving her a full-body massage. It would help her to associate your time together with being safe and calm, which leads to a better sex life (and relationship!) down the line. Since she’s anxious about intimacy at all, it’s best to set the bar for consent higher than normal and check that she’s okay with things that come easily to other people, like cuddling or any touch.
Rather than guessing at what she finds relaxing, consider asking and offering suggestions. Let her know you want to take the pressure off by focusing less on sexual intimacy to talk about soothing experiences. Also, ask about what she doesn’t find soothing: If she has anxiety triggers, you’ll obviously want to avoid those. If you picked up on pain points during previous attempts at sex and foreplay, those are also a valid topic to touch on in a secure environment. The answers may be complex, but if it was something specific either of you said or did, you can avoid it going forward. Don’t take it personally if you unintentionally triggered her anxiety. Anxiety is not a rational beast, nor is it productive to blame yourself for something you didn’t know was going to be a problem before you did it.
Managing your discomfort with your partner’s anxiety
It’s healthy to tap the brakes around a partner who seems uncomfortable. It’s simultaneously normal to be anxious about new sexual experiences, even when we’re raring to go. There’s a gap here that can be bridged.
It’s probable that no matter how much effort you put into soothing your partner’s anxiety, she’s still going to be a little awkward when the time for sex arrives. That’s perfectly fine — sex is a skill and she hasn’t developed it fully. I consider myself lucky that my first few times were merely bad, rather than unmitigated disasters.
Different people express their anxiety through body language to different degrees. Some people always look cool as a cucumber while vibrating underneath. On the other hand, you said that your partner seems ‘stiff and hesitant’ when the nerves hit. Over time, you’ll be able to gauge her baseline nervousness and use that to establish whether her anxiety is spiking. Another angle worth considering is she may not know how her body language is coming off to you. Non-verbal communication is tricky and we all miss or misinterpret some signals. She may already be communicating her desire in a way that’s going right over your head.
Sit-down chats can also be reassuring and positive spaces. Not every conversation in a relationship should start with people feeling like someone was wronged. When you have a chance, talk about the positive qualities she brings into your life and use the space to clear the air about previous incidents like your laughter. It keeps the relationship cooperative and prevents ungainly surprises from forming.
Ultimately, all the advice I have concerns talking to your partner and working through this together. It’s not always the easiest thing to do, but it’s often the best course. I don’t think this is a relationship that needs to end right now, but how your relationship handles communication and problem-solving will be a definitive test for its longevity.
Lastly, you have to trust your partner for this to work. If she says that she desires you, I would take her at her word, no matter how stilted and awkward she gets in the moment. Anxiety is a heartless thing that makes us act irrationally. It keeps us from everything we love and makes us smaller than we are.
I really hope everything works out for the two of you. If not, I hope these words can make your feelings easier to understand and guide you to a more loving future.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
“I’m not willing to do more physically with someone I can’t tell is 100% present and interested.”
LW I just want to say I applaud you for your approach to this, your self-respect, your well-honed instincts. I wish I’d been this wise and good at boundaries when I was in my mid-twenties, it might have saved me from going completely insane and developing huge sexual complexes that I now have to deal with somehow!
Wah! This was so scary to read because I’ve definitely been in the shoes of the anxious girlfriend.
To give another perspective; I have my own share of sexual trauma, and am very alienated from my body and desires. Which obviously does not help when I am trying to be intimate.
I would always get very in my head about “what the other person might be expecting at the moment” to the point where I would start spiraling and dreading the process, despite wanting so bad to be w my gf. It felt like if I could take myself off the equation I might have a good time. Which is so self-hating its sad.
I think the way we figured it out is that we played around with different levels of clothed-ness at first. Like having a boxer or something cover me made me feel less vulnerable at first. Then through that initial comfort I got to find what works for my girlfriend, and that boosted my confidence in bed. And confidence definitely helped.
I also started reading a book called “sexual anorexia” and that was the biggest help. The book basically says “if we are never sensual in our real lives how do we expect to switch it on and off just for an evening?” It recommends little exercises to, idk, wash your hands and try to focus on all the senses, or go on a walk and observe your surroundings- it coaches you through being honest to your senses, which transitions pretty smoothly into trying to feel your partners hand on your body- something that I couldnt focus on because I was so bogged down with anxiety of “what do they want from me next” or “what is it that I should do now?”
Another thing that really helped was that my girlfriend really put in the effort to appreciate my non-sexual acts of care and love. She would let me pamper her with meals and gifts or acts of service – and knowing that I was being appreciated for my efforts made my shortcomings in sex feel less consequential.
Its a really rough situation to be in so good luck to anyone who is struggling with this!!! I hope this comment will help w the perspective!
i think out loud communication in the moment can be really helpful for freeze-type anxiety and staying grounded in the moment. saying “i feel embarrassed and scared” as many times as i need to say it can help stop me from shutting down and spiralling! since it sounds like your partner is also anxious about what youre thinking, maybe you can both try out just saying everything that youre feeling when youre making out (or whatever). “youre so beautiful”, “this feels good”, “im happy youre here” are of course nice to hear, but its also helpful to be able to express things like “im worried youre not enjoying this” or “i dont like that” or “i want to hide”. you can address things as they come up and that might help anxious thoughts pass through instead of sticking around.
this can include dirty talk of course! telling each other out loud specifically how you desire each other, what you want to do with what body parts might be a way to approach actually doing it. taking “i DO want to have sex with you” and getting into specifics about where and how she wants to touch you and be touched could help turn Sex into less of a nebulous thing one can fail at and more of a collection of specific actions! and its a good reminder that sex is personal; its not something you *have* to do because you are dating and its what people do, but something that you *want* to do because you lare attracted to and like each other.
just my suggestions… good luck!