Before I unleash some additional Farm-related scoops, I wanna tell ya that Carly & I are gonna catch up on South of Nowhere tomorrow, so you can anticipate the double-recap as a Thanksgiving gift, since I don’t like turkey. Haviland & I just made a new vlog, watch it! And on Wednesday you’ll see our guest appearance on Alexi’s Closet [UPDATE: It’s right here!] on AfterEllen, in which Haviland lays down the fashion law and I execute the vlogging equivalent of backseat driving, try on Alexi’s shoes, and provide no actual fashion-related input but occasionally pipe in with unrelated commentary (see telling screenshot, Right). What’s special about it is that when you watch a Riese & Haviland vlog, you only get the Cool One & the Hot One (monikers coined by Katlitter), but on Alexi’s Closet, you get the Cool One and Two Hot Ones. For real, Alexi is really hot! And you already know about Haviland’s hotness, coming soon to an unnamed network near you in The Farm.
Oh yeah so speaking of The Farm.
I have a few things to say about it — but first:
1) Fo’reals, I’m not making this up! But it’s okay if you don’t believe me. I know that it’s true, and my Mom says that’s what matters really, is if I believe in myself. I’ve never lied to you and said “this is true.” That’s not how I roll. I’ve lied to you and said “JK.” Obvs.
1a) Reason to believe me: I was telling the truth before, you heard it here first. Then you heard it in many other places about 12-24 hours later, ’cause of the lesbian phone tree and other people tracked down the same info I did, like apparently a Mediablvd poster who’s always got the scoop, she posted the breakdown info a few hours afterwards and I know for a fact she didn’t get it from me.
2) If you don’t like spoilers — personally, I loathe spoilers, ’cause the show’s bad enough without already knowing what’s gonna happen next — then stop reading! I don’t mind Farm-related spoilers though, ’cause until it’s picked up it doesn’t really seem real to me yet, it’s more like an “idea.” Like living on the moon or something.
– So The Farm takes place in a women’s prison for felony offenders, and I think the “farm” is a reference to one of the complexes or wings (?) within the prison. Another complex/wing/facility within this prison is called “the jungle.” The action centers on several female main characters, both convicts and correctional officers, some part of a gang called the Queen Bee Monarchs.
– I think we can safely assume that Alice is the one who “takes the fall” for whomever gets killed, as referenced in the latest L Word promo. Personally, my theory is that somehow Tasha is involved, since she’s gonna be a cop and will have the gun. Maybe by “one of our favorites takes her last breath” or something is just Ilene being confused about what characters we like, per always, and it’s totally Max. (UPDATE: I’m well aware my Tasha theory is being debunked left and right, but I’m trying to stay spoiler free! — All I know is obvs it’s Alice who takes the fall.)
-I feel like they can’t kill Shane or Jenny, ’cause I imagine Mia and Kate might be the actresses most likely to be down for a guest appearance on The Farm, just ’cause they’re all friends and everyone likes working with their friends. Would Ilene cut off that possibility?
Also, after the untimely death of Dana/Erin Daniels, I don’t imagine any of those actresses being okay with being the next to unceremoniously vanish.
–The Farm is a serious prison drama, a la Bad Girls, Oz, etc. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. There’s gang tensions, lesbian affairs, a hyper-sexual and totally psychotic character named Wade Dawson who oughta be played by Gina Gershon … I think the only issue I have with this show is that they’re making Alice a part of it by imposing a cruel & unusual plot twist on The L Word‘s last season.
-If this show had nothing to do with The L Word or the Alice I know & love, I’d be like : “OMG, did you hear about the new lesbo prison drama? It’s gonna be so terrible/AWESOME.”
-Alice eventually is roomed with Wade Dawson … will hot hookups ensue? My guess is “yes.”
-Helen Miller is a primary character, she’s a Correctional Offier and Bette-esque crusader for the rights of the women under her care. I think Valentina, Graciela and Wade are the other main characters. (I THINK). Sherri and Alice become friends.
-The other women in prison at first are just mean to Alice but eventually they know that Alice is famous somehow, they haven’t seen The Look but I think she ends up on some website about famous girls in jail or something that everyone sees. Probs OurChart. (JK about OurChart)
-Obvs the “hook” will be “how will Alice, who didn’t commit her crime, fit in at the prison with all these serious ladies who beat each other up, fuck each other, and have gang ties?” Y’know … LIKE THEY ALREADY DID WITH HELENA.