Modern Babies Totally Know How Gay And Drunk You Are

feature image via

According to a story on the news website of Finland-based public-service media company YLE, babies these days are saying the darndest things. Kuopio pre-school teacher Raija Tuovinen is quoted as noting that “Last autumn and even before that, while learning how to write and pronounce the letter S, for example, the kids might say “s niinku siideri” (c as in cider”) or in the case of the letter K, they might say “k niinku kalja” (B as in beer).” Sure enough, a quick google image search for “baby beer” turns up a plethora of parents who find it amusing to pose their infants with various beer cans, bottles and paraphernalia, undoubtedly permanently corrupting their children forever and ever. Or you might get lucky and birth a child like me, who knows the word for “beer” and yet chooses not to drink it. (I prefer whiskey.)


who wants to watch me chug this sucker (via

Tuovinen has been working with kids for 30 years and has noted that modern rascals are more “aware of adult subjects compared to the 1980s.” You thought beer was bad? Well, check this quote out:

“We see and hear about gays, lesbians and similar matters. Children’s speech reflects the world they live in. Computer games and their content are another matter. We see battles in children’s drawings and games. Of course children need to act out what’s inside them in play.”

Had I been present for this hard-hitting interview, I undoubtedly would’ve followed up on what, exactly, she means by “similar matters.” At this time, I can only assume that she means “polygamy.”

real talk: my dads are gay, you guys

hold the phone i think my dads are gay

Tuovinen suggests:

“Adults should take responsibility for what is appropriate for children and they should explain the things that they sometimes see and hear. Children don’t only talk about these things, but sometimes there has been a kind of tone and in those cases that I’ve had to intervene. I think it’s a cause for concern in some way. We adults should wake up to this. We need to protect our children and preserve their childhood.”

The article points out that Tuovinen does not think children should be “sheltered from all kinds of information.” She is quoted as “concluding” that “we simply need to select the right things for them.” Apparently if your kids want to know why they have two mommies or what’s in that glass, it’s best to just make shit up and then retcon when they’re a little older.

it's up to you: fill this speech bubble with purity or with dos equis and homosexuals

it’s up to you: fill this speech bubble with purity or with corona and homosexuals (via shutterstock)

If your baby has been rubbing creamed squash all over her bib while chanting “lesbian, lesbian, lesbian” all day, it should comfort you to know that my first word was “ball” and look at me now.

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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  1. Just for the sake of making this less alarming, kalja is low to non-alcoholic beer, which children would drink. Or course, k niinku kirja (book) would be much more acceptable, but those are finnish babies, so I’m not too surprised.

  2. But was “ball” really just a contraction of “highball” as you pointed at a nearby tumbler of whiskey?

  3. My wife’s niece is 7, and she was going to be the flower girl at our wedding. A month before the wedding, her mom (my wife’s sister-in-law) decided that she “wasn’t ready” to see two women getting married and that she wouldn’t understand it. Mind you, this kid sees us pretty frequently at family gatherings, birthday parties, etc. I can’t help but feel like this was more because my sister-in-law didn’t want to address the issue at all. Sure, maybe certain topics are inappropriate for children, but I don’t think this is one of them. Especially when it directly affects the kid’s family.

    • That is really sad, and I’m very sorry. Really disturbing that they are not confronting the fact that- hey!- you guys are gay and you and your wife are not going anywhere. It’s a shame she missed being a part of something so special in the life of your family.

      I have some family that will not discuss my gayness with their children either. My older sister, a conservative Catholic, however, had a weeks long debate with me about how exactly to tell her 5 year old about my ‘friend’ and our wedding. Should she get a book? What if he brought up the Bible (as if)? What will his friends say? Finally, she sat him down and started to say that we were getting married because we loved each other, even though we were both girls, and sometimes 2 girls love each other, sometimes 2 boys, etc.

      Her son interrupted her to say, ‘Like (friend’s 2 dads)?’ In a tone that was like, ‘yeah? what’s your point?’ It didn’t occur to him that this was unusual, it was part of his normal life already.

      TL, DR: Kids understand love! They don’t need us shielding them from it. The fact that more kids know about different kinds of love from a young age is gorgeous.
      Also beer is gorgeous. As long as they aren’t having some in their sippy cup, or seeing their parents totally bombed every night, I don’t see the researchers point on that one.

  4. My first sentence was “Ready set go!” and now I’m a big ol’ queer so clearly my parents should have done more to shelter me from racing?

  5. What kids talk about directly influences their future lives. That’s why the most popular careers are astronaut, princess, and firefighter.

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