It Happened To Me: My Girlfriend Served a Cucumber at a Dinner Party That I’m Pretty Sure We’d Used as a Dildo

It happens to all of us: You’re in the kitchen, and the smell of garlic and onions simmering in butter makes you suddenly horny. That does happen to everyone, right? Alliums are definitely aphrodisiacs, right? You’re with your girlfriend, who also gets hornt from the smell of garlic and onions simmering in butter. Because it happens to all of us.

You start making out, and you’re building up to sex, but, gosh, the sex toys are just soooooooo far away, all the way upstairs in the nightstand drawer you’ve been meaning to organize for forever, and yes, you’ll get to it eventually, but not today, not now. Right now, you’re in desperate need of an emergency dildo, because when the smell of garlic and onions simmering in butter makes you horny — LIKE IT DOES FOR ALL OF US, SURELY — what you really want is to be topped with some sort of accoutrement. So, your wise and beautiful girlfriend opens up the fridge and reaches in the crisper drawer for whatever the hell she can find first. Her hand clasps around a fresh green cucumber. A mini one, which you’re not thrilled about, but hey, it’ll suffice.

It happens to all of us (right? RIGHT?): Sometimes you just have to get fucked with a vegetable.

And then sometimes, after getting fucked with a vegetable, maybe you place said vegetable back into the fridge after fucking, because you’re just on autopilot, and vegetables belong in the fridge. Who can say why we do the things that we do, really? And then sometimes, after you place the fucking-vegetable back into the fridge, you host a dinner party, and your wise and beautiful girlfriend has a moment where she’s not so wise. Your always beautiful and usually wise girlfriend unwisely chops up the cucumbers in the fridge and sautés them with butter and herbs to serve as a side dish. All of the cucumbers. Every last one that was inside the fridge…including…you know.

It happens to all of us…at least I’m hoping it does: Sometimes your girlfriend accidentally cooks the cucumber that was once inside you, and you have no way of telling her without your friends getting suspicious. At least it’s cooked, right? I mean, who even cooks cucumbers? But your wise and beautiful girlfriend said she found the recipe from Martha Stewart, and she was excited to try it, and you forgot to say hey maybe let’s just buy some new cucumbers because the ones in the fridge might be…tainted.

Anyway, it happened to me. Because it happens to all of us. This is an extremely common situation and not a horror story, I’m certain of it.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 868 articles for us.

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