Welcome to the 95th edition of Into the AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for AF+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other AF+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s (December’s) theme is OUR ANXIETIES. January’s theme is going to be F(ix) My Life. What’s effed up in your life right now that is maybe not a traditional advice q (tho it could be), but is something that’s been bothering you that you’re ready to fix. New year, new you! Ask us anything, really. Don’t know how to use a piece of gym equipment? Wondering how to get into bondage? Is it time to actually learn to poach an egg? Are there ways you could be a better friend to someone? How about making it through working and staying above water in terms of executive function even as the world is burning around us? Let’s talk!

Then there are general Into the AF+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which I’ve also embedded here:

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

I have a fairly severe anxiety disorder, so it’s been pretty hard for me to separate out just one thing for this prompt, but the most pressing one for me right now would be: how do people get comfortable driving? I very recently passed my test at 33 years old (which is great, yay me) but I am *terrified* of driving on my own. I can’t sleep properly the night before I know I’m going to have to get in my car. Even uneventful drives leave me feeling emotionally drained. The worst thing about it is that I know there’s literally no way out of this particular fear except through it – I need to drive to get comfortable driving! – but I’m scared that I never will and it will always be this big horrible thing that I hate doing and it will never feel normal. I know that’s pretty grandiose thinking, but unfortunately this is my brain and I have to live in it.

I’ve stepped my therapy sessions up a little, but I can’t keep a therapist in my car, so…is anyone else an anxious driver who has coping strategies for driving less anxiously? Is there light at the end of this tunnel for me, or at least a more comfortable tunnel that I can feel okay piloting my car through? Thanks in advance.

A:

Valerie Anne: Unfortunately you’re right in that the best way to get comfortable driving is to drive more. On top of working with your therapies for coping mechanisms, there are a few more things you can do to maybe help your anxiety: first, find music that chills you out. Whether it’s music you can scream-sing along to, scores to your favorite movies, or something else entirely, making the environment something comfortable and familiar can help take one more stressor out of driving.

Another thing you can do is try to pinpoint exactly what you’re nervous about. If you’re worried about getting lost, spend some time the day before you have to travel looking at the route you’re going to take, whether just plugging the route in your phone, or even “walking” the route via Google maps online using the Google street view. If you’re worried about accidents, have the name and number of a tow company or AAA handy, or maybe even look into services like OnStar.

I don’t drive a lot anymore since I live in NYC, so I really only drive when I’m visiting my parents in MA, and I find my anxiety is a lot higher than it was when I would drive all the time, and something that helps me is just focusing on the next two steps. Okay I need to take Exit 14 then keep left at the fork. Okay I need to keep left at the fork then turn right in three lights. Also don’t be afraid to (safely) pull over and reassess your route or catch your breath if that will help! You could even find places ahead of time that you know you want to stop at to break up your trip, especially for longer drives. A coffee shop, a rest area, or even just a Target parking lot. You’ll find what works best for you, in time, and it’s true that it will, indeed, get better. I was a nervous wreck when I first got my license but a few short years later, I was the one teaching my little brother and younger friends how to drive.

Carmen: As a fellow anxious driver, I do not have a lot of suggestions unfortunately. But I wanted to fist bump that you aren’t alone!! And also to take notes on all of Valerie’s suggestions, the one about safely pulling over and keeping the AAA number handy are both going to be immediate saves for me.

Nico: I was also a super anxious driver when I started. To be honest, one of the things that helped me get better was MAXIMUM exposure therapy. I took road trips. Driving long distances, knowing that you have no way to get home or to your next destination but pushing through for a few more hours is both miserable and freeing. For me, the need to power through switched on and helped me overpower the anxiety enough to keep driving — kind of just like making your brain go into survival mode, which is definitely draining, but also it is in fact how I got better about driving. Then, eventually, you get where you’re going (hopefully, safely) and you know that you did it. Then, you can use that as evidence for yourself that you are in fact capable of driving, that you can do this. Sending you so much love and at the very least, you are not alone! Driving is a ton of responsibility, it is in fact not a zero risk activity, and you are doing great. I’m proud of you for getting this far and you are gonna get farther! Hang in there!

Q2:

I’m about to start a new job and have a lot of anxiety about looking younger than I am. I’m in my late 20s but have been told I look like I’m in my teens or early 20s. When I was in graduate school and worked at a university, people commented that they thought I was an undergrad. I’m about to start a job as a project manager and I’m worried that people won’t take me seriously because of the way I look.

Any tips on overcoming this anxiety? Looking older? Putting forward confident and competent energy?

A:

Kayla: This sucks, because it’s not really a you problem; it’s a problem with other people who have been ingrained by societal expectations and norms to believe youth is somehow indicative of incompetence and weakness. You should just be able to do your job and have people respect you regardless of how you look. But unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in. I’ve been in a similar situation before, and I found that in addition to just having to be ultra confident, I also had to set even more work/personal boundaries than usual and avoid being the cool coworker who’s friends with everyone. This meant I came off as a little cold, and while that also sucks, it’s ultimately what worked best for me in terms of being respected and taken seriously in the workplace.

Carmen: I’ve also been here before! And it does suck! One thing that helped me was dressing up (obviously, this may vary based on the appropriateness of your workplace norm). When I worked in academia, I was often the youngest person in the room. Teaching myself to wear heels and a blazer helped “age” me in ways that made people take me more seriously than my chipmunk cheeks would otherwise allow. I also agree that it’s not a you problem, it’s a them problem! And I hope you hold strong to that! If you’re good at your job (and I’m sure you will be!), then you will command the right type of attention and respect. Just remember to give it time to show off what you got.

Q3:

Anxiety: parenting

After lots of money and time on fertility treatment, I’m pregnant and I’m terrified. It’s been such a long road and I want to be joyful and grateful but I’m scared! How does a person parent??

A:

Kayla: I don’t say this to scare you further, but you will likely have at least a hum of that anxiety for the rest of this experience. I don’t have kids myself, but in talking to people I’m close with about this, it’s clear that being a parent — especially a first time parent — comes with a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety, especially in the infant stage. Sometimes the anxiety will be louder than other times, but it’s always kind of there. But to be honest, these fears are proof of your heart, proof that you care deeply. I think it would be more concerning to have ZERO fears and anxiety about this big step you’re taking and that you’ve worked so hard toward taking. Joy and fear don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You can feel both or one more than the other at various times, and that isn’t a failure, it’s just the reality of parenting.

Sa’iyda: Oh friend, being a parent is the scariest thing you will do, I promise. But as a mom who’s 10 years in, I promise you, the joy will always outweigh the anxiety. That’s not to say there isn’t a lot to be anxious about, because there is. But you can only take it one day at a time. When you’re a parent, so much anxiety is projected onto the future — who are they going to be? Am I going to screw them up? What’s going to happen 5 minutes, 10 months, 20 years from now? One of the best ways to quiet some of that is to just focus on the exact moment that you’re in. Don’t worry about if the baby is going to sleep through the night when they’re not even born yet. Find small ways to be in the moment: place your hand on your belly and say hi to your baby. Read them a story or tell them about your day. It’s a way to keep you grounded in the present, which is incredibly important when you’re a parent.

Like I said, I’ve been doing this parenting thing for 10 years, and I’m still an anxious wreck at least 50% of the day. But a lot of those anxieties work themselves out in their own way. I’ll be worried about him struggling with something at home and then he does it without needed help and that anxiety is gone! So much of parenting is relying on your instincts, and if you remember that no one knows your kid better than you do, it keeps some of those fears at bay. You will always think you’re fucking it up, and the goal post is always going to move. That’s just being a parent, and you can’t change those things. But don’t let that fear lead.

As for the joy, that’s the stuff that sneaks up on you. The first time you feel flutters in your belly, that’s the joy. My son smiled at me mere hours after he was born, and I’ll never forget that. You can’t plan for joy, but it will reveal itself when you least expect it. Hold on to those moments for when it gets hard and you can’t shut your anxiety up. Remember, you get to have a hand in creating a person, and it’s the coolest flipping thing in the world.

Q4:

Any tips or thoughts on how to overcome anxiety relating to your body not being desirable? Specifically in relation to sex.

A:

Kayla: Constant self-affirmations and literal reminders to yourself that you are hot and desirable. Write them down and then write them down again. Make a list of your favorite things about yourself. The next time someone compliments you or says something that makes you feel desired, write it down so you can revisit it. If you find yourself inundated on social media with unrealistic beauty standards or people who don’t look like you, follow more people who share identities with you. Take photos of yourself often. Ask friends or other people in your life to take photos of you. Look at your body, at yourself, really look at it. I guarantee you there are people who will want to look closely, too, but to feel desired sometimes you have to literally turn your gaze on yourself and desire yourself. Even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable. Push through that feeling.

Carmen: Literally all the things Kayla said!! I’m also going to add on a few more specific suggestions. When you write down affirmations (and you should write them down, it helps your brain to process and absorb the nice things you say about yourself!), put them on a post-it. Then put the post-it in places you can see every day — a mirror, the side of your laptop screen, the edges of the bookcase across from your bed. Whatever is that place, fill it with reminders of how hot and great you are. Like Kayla said, it might feel silly, but I swear to God it works.

My second suggestion is to follow people who look like you on Instagram or TikTok. Whatever is your body type, your gender, your race, someone who shares your disability. Follow them and watch them live a full, probably overly posed and stylish, life. Usually this is when I say “no one’s feed is their real life, don’t let it get you down” — but in this case I’ll say, see how much fun they are having and how cute they look? Babe, that’s you too. Go out and get it. (And by it I mean, have great sex.)

Q5:

(for anxieties theme)

I’ve been finding myself becoming increasingly anxious about socialising. I’m a seemingly extroverted (but maybe secretly introverted?) Libra with a bunch of wonderful friends, but it feels like I turn friendship into an obligation, by constantly making lists of people I ‘need’ to see. I almost always enjoy the actual time I spend with friends, but when I’m by myself I end up obsessing over my friendship schedule. I find it very hard to prioritise quality time by myself, when it seems there are always people to see. I’ve been trying to combat these anxieties by blocking out some evenings to be alone, and also spending more low energy time with friends. I’m also wondering about hosting a regular dinner to bring together a mix of friends, rather than trying to maintain so many individual friendships. I know I’m lucky to have a lot of friends, but sometimes I think I’m too much of a Libra for my own good.

What I am looking for in terms of advice:
– any tips for managing busy social diaries (I currently use a physical planner which tends to get messy/chaotic and stresses me out) and maybe for creating some kind of routine
– ideas about how to build friendships/community whilst also nurturing a relationship with yourself (alongside, you know, working full time)

Thank you so much!

A:

Sa’iyda: As a Libra rising, I can understand the need for socializing. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to discover that I might be an ambivert — I love being around friends and in social situations, but I also love being at home or chilling out alone.

If you’re starting to feel like friendship is becoming an obligation and requires so much of your energy to maintain, it might be time to take a step back and reevaluate what your needs are. If you’re making lists of friends you need to see, it sounds like you’re spreading yourself too thin, and for what exactly? Maybe there’s something deeper there that you need to sort through. You need to take some serious time to reconnect with yourself, and I think you will answer your own question about how to build and maintain your relationships. Here’s my suggestion: take a month off of your social obligations. Sit down and think about things you’ve been wanting to do by yourself: go to a movie, read a book, watch a show, whatever. Take at least two nights a week doing something for yourself, and use the others to rest! If a physical planner is becoming too stressful for maintaining your plans, you’ve lost the plot my friend.

After you take some time to yourself, SLOWLY reintroduce social activity into your life. Not everything has to be a big thing. Maybe put aside an hour for a phone call with a friend, or maybe find time for a video chat or a quick coffee. Put your plans in your phone, this way you can set reminders and alerts. But remember, balance is key here.

Em: I totally agree with Sa’iyda here. You have a lot on your plate! It’s totally possible to have many deep friendships in your life, but it could be at the expense of a deep relationship with yourself. Take the time for yourself to figure out what exactly you’re giving and receiving in these friendships. While having a regular dinner night together definitely seems fun, it also seems like it’s coming from a place of burnout and not a place of genuinely wanting to bring together people who you would gel together.

Once you really take some time to be alone and are ready to get back to scheduling friends, I would suggest Google Cal. It’s easy to make different colored calendars for different categories so you can visually see who are what is happening throughout the week. For example, my social life is lavender, my school stuff is purple, my deadlines are yellow, etc. It might feel monotonous, but it will give you peace of mind knowing that you have all the moving parts in one place.

Q6:

(For the anxiety askbox)

I surprised myself by catching feelings after a one night stand where the fantastic sex was followed by really enjoyable, thoughtful conversation that revealed we shared values and interests.

There’s not much point in talking to the other person about it because they’re not in the same city (we’re both up for meeting if we cross paths again) and I’m not interested in long distance.

How do I get over worrying that I lost out on something that could have been great (possible, though I have little information on how compatible we would have been as partners—their relationship status, feelings on cohabitation, marriage, kids, religion, finances, etc) or that I’ll never feel that kind of chemistry with someone available?

I enjoy no-strings-attached sex, but I’m also looking for my first romantic relationship—and so far, I’ve got nothing to show for it (except for anxiety over whether I should let Tinder have my “facial geometry” to unlock my account).

A:

Kayla: I think it’s just a fact of life that sometimes connections just don’t happen at the right time or in the right place. I’m sure your connection with this person indeed felt meaningful and special, but if you’re not down for long distance, then the compatibility just truly isn’t there. It doesn’t mean you’ll never experience that great chemistry and alignment of interests again. In fact, it’s good information to have that you know what you’re looking for in a potential partner, and you can use this experience to inform how you engage with future dates.

Em: Ugh I’ve been there so many times and it’s such an annoying situation! Sexual connection can be so deep and powerful, but it can also be fleeting. You’ll never really know if you missed out on anything more, but maybe you can take comfort in knowing that you know very little about them. They have a whole life that may not be compatible with yours. If you’re seeking an intimate, romantic relationship, you’ll eventually be able to sexually experiment and play with that person to help find a deeper, more sustainable sexual connection if that’s what you both desire.

Nico: With relationships it’s definitely a combination of attraction, personality compatability, sexual chemistry AND the “right” timing and situation. Sometimes, we are two ships passing in the night. It’s okay to feel romantic about it, to know that you met and connected with someone awesome and that you are awesome and attractive, too, but also, sometimes circumstances keep us apart and like my colleagues said, that just happens sometimes. Sometimes you just get a taste and you just gotta make the most of the memory.

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