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This Sunday, Hollywood will gather for the 74th annual Golden Globe Awards ceremony to honor its television and film elite. Remember the brief window of time not so long ago when this inner circle included LL Cool J? How much softer we were then.
The Golden Globes and ceremonies like it can be a predictable thing, the same self-congratulatory, sanctimonious displays year after year, and so some people like to play drinking games while they watch. To get drunk. This is fun but dangerous. Me? I like to play drinking games that keep me sober.
If staying hydrated and keeping your mind right also sounds like your kind of thing, here are some drinking games you can play while watching this year’s Golden Globes.
Drink every time a woman is up for best director.
Drink every time a woman is up for best screenplay.
Drink every time a person of color is up for best actor in a musical or comedy.
Drink every time Meryl Streep’s facial expression dips below open mouth smiling.
Drink every time Stanley Tucci looks like he knows what he’s doing there.
Drink every time Casey Affleck is openly congratulated on skirting his sexual assault allegations.
Drink every time the camera cuts to Jennifer Lawrence and she’s not drinking directly out of the table’s Moet bottle.
Drink every time a man is asked when’s the last time he ate.
Drink every time Tilda Swinton blinks.
Drink every time Patrick Stewart blinks.
Drink every time Viola Davis looks remotely like she wants to be there.
Drink every time there’s a funny The Accountant/The Office joke when presenters Anna Kendrick and Steve Carrell take the stage.
Drink every time there’s a funny Fences/”build the wall” joke.
Drink every time there’s a funny Arrival/”illegal alien” joke.
Drink every time Natalie Portman absolutely radiates the essence of Jackie Kennedy.
Drink every time Jimmy Fallon restrains himself from pitting Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe against each other.
Drink every time Diane Keaton, Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg, Blake Lively disavow their vocal support of Woody Allen.
Drink every time Tilda Swinton, Wes Anderson, and Darren Aronofsky disavow their vocal support of Roman Polanski.
Drink every time Mel Gibson’s eyes aren’t hate stoked fire orbs.
Drink every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus is allowed to exist in the audience as a nominee rather than a punchline factory.
Drink every time the Illuminati is thanked for their role in the continuation of all of this.