Golden Globe Drinking Games That’ll Keep You Stone Cold Sober

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This Sunday, Hollywood will gather for the 74th annual Golden Globe Awards ceremony to honor its television and film elite. Remember the brief window of time not so long ago when this inner circle included LL Cool J? How much softer we were then.

The Golden Globes and ceremonies like it can be a predictable thing, the same self-congratulatory, sanctimonious displays year after year, and so some people like to play drinking games while they watch. To get drunk. This is fun but dangerous. Me? I like to play drinking games that keep me sober.

If staying hydrated and keeping your mind right also sounds like your kind of thing, here are some drinking games you can play while watching this year’s Golden Globes.


Drink every time a woman is up for best director.

Drink every time a woman is up for best screenplay.

Drink every time a person of color is up for best actor in a musical or comedy.

Drink every time Meryl Streep’s facial expression dips below open mouth smiling.

Drink every time Stanley Tucci looks like he knows what he’s doing there.

Drink every time Casey Affleck is openly congratulated on skirting his sexual assault allegations.

Drink every time the camera cuts to Jennifer Lawrence and she’s not drinking directly out of the table’s Moet bottle.

Drink every time a man is asked when’s the last time he ate.

Drink every time Tilda Swinton blinks.

Drink every time Patrick Stewart blinks.

Drink every time Viola Davis looks remotely like she wants to be there.

Drink every time there’s a funny The Accountant/The Office joke when presenters Anna Kendrick and Steve Carrell take the stage.

Drink every time there’s a funny Fences/”build the wall” joke.

Drink every time there’s a funny Arrival/”illegal alien” joke.

Drink every time Natalie Portman absolutely radiates the essence of Jackie Kennedy.

Drink every time Jimmy Fallon restrains himself from pitting Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe against each other.

Drink every time Diane Keaton, Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg, Blake Lively disavow their vocal support of Woody Allen.

Drink every time Tilda Swinton, Wes Anderson, and Darren Aronofsky disavow their vocal support of Roman Polanski.

Drink every time Mel Gibson’s eyes aren’t hate stoked fire orbs.

Drink every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus is allowed to exist in the audience as a nominee rather than a punchline factory.

Drink every time the Illuminati is thanked for their role in the continuation of all of this.

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 205 articles for us.

30 Comments

      • I won’t got into the specifics (I’m sure others might), but IMO she hasn’t done or said anything that unforgivable in the grad skim of things. It’s so easy for any of us to direct our anger towards celebrities when they say something for the cuff that remind of larger problems. Problems that any one of us could be contributing when we’re not thinking, especially we don’t have the cameras on us and someone waiting for us to slip up. It’s serves as more a distraction than as means for finding solutions.

        This is why one of my favorite lines from Catching Fire was from Plutarch regarding his suggestion they cut from footage of from publics beatings to the star couples wedding, “There going to hate her so much they’ll may just kill her for you.”

  1. Erin I love your writing and think you’re one of the funniest writers Autostraddle has had. But please don’t make jokes about stuff like Mel Gibson not looking “mentally sound”? As a family violence survivor who lives with multiple mental illnesses, feeling like this perpetrator is being written off as “crazy” for having been horrifically racist, misogynist and violent is disappointing. im crazy and I’m also a really kind and respectful person, my mental illness doesn’t magically make me dangerous, and many men who do what he’s done do not live with mental illness. craziness/mental illness being conflated with violence or abuse, or being conceptualised as the root or cause of violent behaviour, leads to a lot of actual violence towards mentally ill people. By that I guess I’m talking about the structural violence of ableism, but also emotional and physical violence.

    • hi max! i certainly don’t equate mental illness with violence or danger and not entirely sure i did here, but i am more referring to mel gibson being a person who has a stare that seems constantly full of hate, which to me makes a person unwell, and not the other way around. will keep this extra in mind though, thanks for your thoughts

      • Erin, “mentally unwell” is too much a synonym of “mentally ill” for me as a mentally ill person not to feel shitty about its usage. The idea that being full of hate makes someone mentally “unwell” still connects mental illness to hate, even if you’re not saying it’s the other way around. Mental illness self-advocates generally agree that the usage of synonyms for mental illness being used in lieu of what you really mean, ie “hateful”, is a bad idea. For me as a mentally ill person your usage of that phrase “mentally unwell” stops me from enjoying the rest of the article’s really valid and important critiques of Hollywood, and I think you should change it. I’d be happy to talk to you more about this.

    • agreed. that line was jarring in an otherwise funny piece. something like, “drink every time mel gibson looks like he’s NOT teeming with hatred for most of humankind” might better capture your intent.

  2. I am ashamed to admit that it took me a few lines to realize that this was all fake.
    However, the Globes are know for giving the award from someone out of left field unless the performance was a show-in.
    Do the Globes do an In Memoriam section, they don’t right? Or else I’ll be balling during that section.

  3. Sort of random, but I’m still appreciating how Susan Sarandon noped discussion of Woody Allen in one of her interviews at Cannes last year. Like, I love how blunt she was about it and then how she pointed out the room becoming quiet after.

    Ugh, still. Why is the bar so low?!

  4. Wait the woman who was accepting the award for the People VS OJ just thanked her kids, wife, and mother. I heard a woo after wife and I want to say it was Sarah Paulson, who also was on stage, do the woo.

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