We then stock up on canned green beans and glass jars of olives and some pita bread and hop onto our bicycles and bike all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Fairfield Inn Lima, where the Gleeks are performing Sgt.Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band in full regalia.
Unfortunately “full regalia” makes the Glee Team look fully ridiculous, but whatever, the Future Queen is here with her Binder of Single Women!
This musical number, traditionally written and performed by people who are literally tripping on acid, is intercut with the uninspired crush-of-the-week situation between Nurse Penny and Sam.
Meanwhile, Tina’s XO’s getting grilled by New Santana about her preparations to re-enact Carrie but with less menstrual blood.
Ultimate Prinicipal Jesus Sylvester takes the stage to announce the winners of this years big Grand Prom Queen King Situation of Life.
Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester: “Now here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for because your lives are so devoid of meaning that something like this seems very important.”
All the Whos in Whoville stand in eager, slow-motion anticipation of this monumental announcement.
Much to Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester’s surprise, the winners are Stoner Brett and SURPRISE Tina Cohen-Agitator!
Unique’s fanning herself, Marley’s exposing her armpits, Stoner Brett is probs jonesing for some munchies, the music swells, everybody’s vulva engorges, and the losers stroll timidly offstage while Tina screams for her life!
Stoner Brett’s reaction is slightly more subdued:
Fake Quinn, standing in the wings, spies Tina’s XO across the stage, grasping a rope attached to a bucket filled with placenta, horse meat and all the freezer-burned potato products currently crowding my tiny freezer.
But it’s too late for Fake Quinn to stop the wheels and giant bucket already in motion.
Thus our dearest dear Tina Cohen-Chang is slaughtered in a bucket of red slushie.
It’s like a cross-over between Carrie and the last time Glee did a prom episode involving a Glee Club member getting humiliated by being elected prom queen.
After three minutes of unbearably extended slow-motion, including a puzzling two-minute trippy kaleidoscope montage of laughing children…
…and Stoner Brett getting knocked out by the bucket…
…Tina flees the auditorium and recedes into her safe space, the Glee Room, trailed by her earnest friends.
Tina: “I swear, I just thought for one lousy night of my life, I could be that girl. But who am I kidding? I’m not that girl and I will never be that girl.”
But Tina, you don’t need to be that girl! You just need to be you! Alas, her compatriots are not focused on assuring her she’s beautiful just the way she is ’cause they’re determined, come hell or high water, to make this Bundleprom the Best Bundleprom Ever ’cause everybody knows that prom is the best most exciting night in the history of life. Blaine talks her into a towel-down and all the ladies offer tradesies on their prom dresses.
Cue “Hey Jude,” inspirational-montage style: the team manages to miraculously eradicate all traces of bloody slushie by affectionately dabbing her face with dry towels, Tina changes into Fake Quinn’s Fake Barbie Dreamhouse Prom dress and Fake Quinn changes into lululemon and Sam re-crowns Tina’s sticky head.
Then everybody shoots compassionate facial expressions at one another while returning to the auditorium to Save Prom!
Tina gets back onstage and yells that she is Tina and she accepts the prom queen nomination! THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!
THE CROWD GOES WILD!
Cut to a period time later when Black Sue’s hauling New Santana into Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester’s office to punish her for the Slushie incident, which Black Sue found both triumphant and entertaining but nevertheless deserving some kind of slap on the wrist or ass.
But Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester does not see a girl who needs to be punished, she sees a girl who needs to be molded in her own image — specifically, she’d like New Santana to heckle Glee Club into submission.
Sue: “I want you to go after Glee Club with all you’ve got. I want it to get weird. I want you to pull something so psychotic that they can’t help but start crying when they think about it in the middle of the inevitable Journey song they’ll sing to win at Nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment. You got it?”
We then drive to the airport, print our boarding passes at the kiosk, check our bag, slip through security with 3 ounces of magic potion, anthrax and a hairdo filled with razorblades, and then climb aboard an airplane that shoots triumphantly through the dark night sky all the way to Fake Ellen’s Stardust diner, where Santana’s lamenting that she got paid for her commercial in Yeast-i-Stat.
Santana: “If you’re producing that much yeast you should probably start a bakery.”
Kurt’s joining the Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner team ’cause Vogue.com doesn’t pay its interns, which’s the most realistic employment-related situation in the history of this show.
Santana’s thrilled by everybody’s can-do attitudes!
Santana: “Kurt’s getting married, Berry is just full of confidence, and I finally have a girlfriend who I don’t have to worry about straying for penis.”
This is no small concern, mind you. Girls leaving other girls for disembodied penises happens every day, all the time. Just yesterday in Delores Park I saw a girl tear herself away from a passionate scissoring situation with a 100% Sapphic Goddess to chase down a Penis she spotted whacking balls around on the tennis court! This week alone, 56 bisexual women have been spotted ditching their lady-lovers to fuck themselves with dildos in public restrooms throughout the East Bay! But not Dani. That’ll never happen with Dani.
I know what you’re thinking — but Brittany didn’t leave Santana for a penis, did she? Well, to be fair, if anybody is going to leave a person for an object or a body part or something otherwise incapable of emotions and eye-contact, it’s Brittany S. Pierce. Not the brightest bulb in the socket, that one. She could’ve strayed for a car, a blow-up doll, or a bridge, and I wouldn’t have batted an eye. But no, Brittany S. Pierce didn’t stray for penis, not did she stray for another man or another woman, nor did she stray at all, ever, but also if you’ve noticed Santana’s talon-esque fingernails this episode you’ll know that clearly whoever wrote this scene has never met an actual lesbian or bisexual or queer woman ever. Also, Glee hates bisexual people.
We immediately discover that Famous Broadway Director Mike Dexter’s in the house, seeking Rachel Berry. He’d like to order a cake. An entire cake. WHAT ABOUT TWO WHOLE CAKES??
He then tells her to write “congratulations Rachel Berry, you are Fanny Brice” on the cake, which I guess means he doesn’t actually want a cake, right? I’m so glad he’s not in my section.
She’s thrilled! She’s the best! Everybody’s happy! Cheer and joy and Christmas for everybody!
We then do a little montaging closing scene for “Let It Be.”Tina finally gets a fucking solo and the whole Glee Team is dressed like the prom theme is “Bastard Offspring of Lady Hippies and Miami Vice.”
It’s a sweet note to end on, with both gangs more believably coming together in the song’s emotional crescendo, and Dani and Santana are already being extra-cute.
Next week I’ll be at A-Camp and therefore unable to recap, but luckily, despite having not seen the show in eons, Kate has agreed to recap in my stead.
HOW CUTE IS THIS:
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“…I finally have a girlfriend who I don’t have to worry about straying for penis.”
WHY MUST YOU SH*T ON ALL OF MY DREAMS, RYAN MURPHY?
Tina = my original favorite character, before she transformed from a quirky punk kid to a screeching mess who constantly needs and begs for male attention
Dani and Santana = such a super cute, chemistry-filled couple THAT WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN A CUTE COUPLE if this alternate Glee universe where Brittany goes and cheats on Santana with a man didn’t happen. I mean, did I miss the episode where they rolled the die and the darkest timeline happened? Did Ryan Murphy just forget that Santana dumped Brittany after discovering her chick magnetism at college? I’m not even the hugest Brittana fan, but is too much to ask that Santana moves on from that relationship without bashing her unicorn-loving ex-lover?
Oh, wait, right, this is Glee, where Ryan loves to give us presents and then stomp on them before our eyes. Expectations duly adjusted.
Santana or anyone else never said or suggested Britt cheated.
No, she just, based on nothing, stated that her being bi meant she was prone to cheating.
Like most of the characters, I didn’t get the “Brundleprom” reference (I think Ryder said he did?). Anyone got an explanation?
And once again I’m left to wonder how many people were bothered by the jabs at bisexual folks.
PS Honesty Hour: I feel weird about the next episode because it’s sad that Cory Monteith died but Finn was such an awful character I’m not sure how I’ll react.
The Fly. Jeff Goldblum’s character is named Seth Brundle. Splices self with fly. Dubs self ‘Brundlefly’.
“And once again I’m left to wonder how many people were bothered by the jabs at bisexual folks.”
Oooookay so I am still identifying far too much with Glee for a woman of my age. C’est tragique. But once again this episode gave with one hand and punched me in the face with the other.
Liking the Santana development. Saddened by the baseless biphobia. Wept like a baby at ‘Let It Be’, which was played at a musical theatre friend’s funeral in university.
PS I was not enjoying Riese’s story, and then she mentioned ‘her modelling agency’ and made it about twelve times worse. Blerg.
did anyone else think it was weird that Tina didn’t just go to the locker rooms and shower? Wouldn’t that be so much more effective than towels?
I was yelling at my computer about how ineffective the dry towels were and if only Rachel Berry were there because she’d have her routine down in no time.
there was nothing about that clean-up situation that made sense to me. seriously that shit must have been sticky as fuck, didn’t anybody have a wet towel
I’m glad you stated that Glee hates bisexuals, this is true. I felt emotionally abused by this episode.
That said, I can’t stop laughing at the caption, “I TOLD HER I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE PERIOD SEX! I TOLD HER! AND NOW LOOK AT ME!” which apparently says a lot about my sense of humor.
I laughed out loud too, it’s ok. And yes – sometimes I think the Glee writers are part of an evil conspiracy to confuse allies and everyone else by being really fantastically super-pro gay – and racist, anti-semitic, biphobic and transphobic at the same time, with throwaway lines that pop up out of nowhere and kick you in the crotch. Because, you know, if the character doesn’t look like they’ve thought about it, the audience doesn’t have to think about it either, right?
I was upset about the abundant biphobia in this episode as well, but I was even more upset by that sad excuse for a kiss between dani and santana! That “kiss” was more like the awkward lip graze that happens when a relative goes in for a kiss and you thankfully turn your cheek at the last second.
Yes! I was also disappointed in that “kiss”. It looks like their lips didn’t even touch. Damn you, Glee.
Funny, ‘cuz my reaction was: “Omigod, I bet the Brittana fans are flipping their shit already.”
yeah that kiss was WEAK.
seriously if this was real life i would be like, does she actually like me? because that kiss was hella tentative
“P.S. HAVE YOU SEEN THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS STONER BRETT’S IMDB PAGE”
His sister is Strawberry Shortcake, yall. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!
I haven’t watched this show in ages, and just started up again this season. It wasn’t until half way through this episode that I realized that Dani and Fake Quinn aren’t the same person. I still like both of them better than Real Quinn.
And seriously, what’s with all the bisexual hate? I feel like there’s some bitterness going on in the writers’ room over at Glee headquarters, and they’re taking it out on the viewers.
If Santana had bashed Brittany for being bisexual I wouldn’t have minded since it is still kinder than the truth that she is the lowest kind of pond scum who posts sex tapes without permission and then refuses to take them down when asked. Brittany=Hunter Moore. So, it would really be much kinder than the truth. But she didn’t say that she said she worried about it, which is true. We saw her do that all of the time and Finn pointed it out as he outted her.
“Girls leaving other girls for disembodied penises happens every day, all the time. Just yesterday in Delores Park I saw a girl tear herself away from a passionate scissoring situation with a 100% Sapphic Goddess to chase down a Penis she spotted whacking balls around on the tennis court! This week alone, 56 bisexual women have been spotted ditching their lady-lovers to fuck themselves with dildos in public restrooms throughout the East Bay!”
I laughed so hard I snorted while reading this at my parents’ kitchen table.
Also, I’m not sure how I lived without that naked photo of Naya until this point in time. The things you learn.
Agreement that the bi-phobia in this episode was sad, though. Redeem yourselves, Glee creators!
You were a lot kinder to Santana’s biphobic “Real Lesbian” comment than I was, Riese. I was super bummed when Dani’s response to “I’m not a lesbian!” wasn’t coming out as bisexual. Womp, womp. That being said, it’s Ryan Fucking Murphy so of course they have to say the grossest stuff while tapping their 3″ long fake nails against the table tops.
Santana though was the best thing about this episode – yeast commercial was perfect, the deadpan “Oh, but you’re wearing so much eyeliner…”, Dani being a confident sexy person, the duet. It was all wonderful. And I wanted to give Rachel a hug. In conclusion, fuck McKinley, let’s just have a show about the diner.
yeah i don’t read any commentary about the episode until after my recap is published, but afterwards i read someone on tumblr who’d interpreted the “real lesbian” comment more as a way of writing off brittany or bi girls in general as “less than” “real lesbians,” an interpretation which never even occurred to me! due to my own personal experience, i thought santana was just nervous and intimidated by somebody who she expected (based on erroneous and problematic assumptions not uncommon to a brand-new-to-new-york baby queer from the midwest, as i once was) (but also, my experience was eight years ago and things have changed so much since then) would have more experience with women and queer culture than she did. but if the tumblr person’s interpretation was what was truly intended by that line, then that is soooo fucked up as hell. i mean, everybody in this show has so few lines that aren’t either jokes, exposition, or lead-ins to songs that it’s really difficult for us to parse out anything nuanced. like as a person who has been writing about this show for a long time… it’s almost like it doesn’t want to be analyzed. i do think it’s loyal to camp, humor and music first and story/plot/character second.
FAKE ELLEN’S STARDUST DINER SPINOFF PLEASE FOREVER. no really, i feel like the new york cast is really gelling this season and i’m honestly looking forward to seeing how all of their storylines unravel. mckinley is just snoozy.
Yeah, Riese, I really liked your explanation for it because, as you said, even bisexual or otherwise not-Kinsey-6-lesbian girls can be intimidated and harbor those attitudes when we first have sex with or date a lesbian, so it’s easy to see how as a Midwestern girl new to New York and new to a place where she can be out about her sexual orientation, Santana might have similar feelings about dating another lesbian for the first time.
It just sucks that I’m almost certain that’s not what was intended by this, as Ryan Murphy has made it clear in the past that he’s biphobic. See: his comments about the “Blaine tries bisexuality for an episode” thing in Season 2, when he said Blaine needed to be gay because being bi would somehow make him less of a queer role model or something. He just sees bisexuals are somehow less queer and it pisses me off. I wish more powerful people in the media were calling the Glee writers on this, because it really does put a damper on all the good stuff that Glee does, that Ryan Murphy messes up SO HARD with any of the letters in the LGBT acronym other than the G.
Like someone said that Sue is usually the one who says politically-incorrect stuff. But the thing is, the previous biphobia in the show came from Kurt during aforementioned Blaine episode. So I think that RM (or whoever wrote this episode) just honestly doesn’t see them as offensive. And that’s a problem.
“I wish more powerful people in the media were calling the Glee writers on this, because it really does put a damper on all the good stuff that Glee does, that Ryan Murphy messes up SO HARD with any of the letters in the LGBT acronym other than the G.”
Well, we know Dan Savage won’t…
It’s not fair that the gay guys get long romantic storylines & passionate kisses and we get table scraps. WTF was with that kiss? Also the bi-phobia was awful. Why do I let my expectations get so high. Damn you Glee writers!! Take a class on diversity!!
A peck on the lips and Santana refers to her as her girlfriend and they’re all giggly and braiding each other’s hair? Is that what lesbians do? This must be why I am still single.
It’s because Ryan Murphy & Co. think that The Only Things Lesbians/Bisexual Women Do are limited to what they saw while spying on their sisters when they hosted sleepovers.
Riese, I love you and your sacrifice and your Battlestar Galactica references forever and ever.
This was so funny.
Biphobic nonsense and Santana’s demon claws aside, I loved the NYC portions of this episode. Demi Lovato is great – I’d never paid attention to her as more than “one of those Disney Channel kids” before now but she has a really nice face and voice and everything – and I really like Dani, and Dani/Santana as a couple, so far.
And while the whole way Rachel got cast as Fanny Brice is completely ridiculous/unrealistic, her adorable ecstatic face makes up for it.
Oh, and that Yeast-I-Stat commercial is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time, I laughed so hard I was crying.
Basically they should put the Lima side of this show out of its misery and just move the whole thing to NYC.
The biphobic comments seemed really bizarre to me because usually they try and make Sue the mouthpiece for most of the un-PC jokes, I guess because she’s meant to be evil and therefore gets a pass at saying awful things.
But the lines didn’t really feel like they were even meant to be humorous. My own personal theory is that after all that AfterEllen name-checking last season, the writers are now cut ‘n pasting AE’s most regressive, biphobic commenters straight into the dialogue because they mistakenly believe that’s what lesbians want to hear.
Also, I actually liked the little peck-on-the-lips incident! I thought it showed Santana ceding a bit of power, when she’s usually the one in control of her relationships. Of course, this line of thinking would only hold water if, in a wider context, Glee wasn’t such a bag of shite when it came to female-centric storylines.
I stopped watching Glee early last season because I just couldn’t take… everything on that show any more. I thought I might give it a try again because I like it when people sing and Demi Lovato. But geez, holy biphobia, Batman! I just don’t like Glee enough to put up with its all of its crap.
I still love the recaps though because Riese is funny and I can then read that someone said something awful while seeing it be called out for being awful. Although, I’m always left missing Junior Mints a lot.
I enjoy Glee exponentially more since I started to just fast-forward through the McKinley storylines straight to all the NYC scenes.
I’ll occasionally watch a musical number with the new kids but mostly I’m just in it for Rachel/Santana/Kurt.
As a bisexual, I found all the bi-phobia really off-putting and I feel like as a culture we should be looking beyond….SORRY HAVE TO RUN THERE’S A DISEMBODIED PENIS AND I NEED TO CHASE IT DOWN THE STREET! COME BACK PENIS!!!
riese doesn’t mean it like that. you know she’s a joker. no need to get offended.
I’m pretty sure that Chelsea was referring to the show and not Riese, but it’s pretty messed up to tell someone that they have “no need to get offended.”
I haven’t watched the episode (yet), but it feels like Santana and Heart Attack (I forget her name) barely grazed lips and now they’re GIRLFRIENDZ~!!!! Is there more exposition than that or did they make Heart Attack just THAT much of a lesbian?
you dated haviland! you dated haviland and haviland dated….. *cough*…… anyway, haviland was your first? how cute!
why did you broke up? i watch your youtube videos and i think you two look perfect together. you could’ve gotten married and had a couple of unicorn babies.
demi can play an awesome queer. i’ll add her to my list.
The show only holds if you fast-forward to the NYC parts.
Although I don’t hate Kitty as a character and New Santana’s rant was perfect because the awesome sorority chick they were mimicking is my hero because of “cunt punt.” I wish I could rant that effectively.
Also, and I hate to say this, but I kind of like New Santana for what could be interpreted as shallow reasons. When I initially began watching Glee I didn’t find a character I identified with until they gave that cool “Is she black? She may be? I think she’s blatina?” chick in the background speaking parts. And bam I became obsessed with Santana because she sort of looked like me (in my mind I just pretended she was black) and she was an asshole with a heart. Also she became my “black Glee character” even though the character is technically Latina.
So New Santana is actually black and yay! And yes I love Mercedes/Amber, but I didn’t identify with her.
Okay so now that that is out the way. Lima still sucks. Was never a fan of Blaine as a character. He’s way too cheesy for my temperament. Tina has become insufferable. Sam and Artie are just there. And the new kids… just move Marley and Unique to NYC or something. They’re new Rachel/Kurt. Just only show NYC!
[Did Dianna Agron sever all ties with the show?]
As far as NYC, as a bi-person I was off-put by Santana’s comments. Although, also as a bi-person I interpreted it somewhat like Riese. When I had an experience with a self-identifying lesbian I sort of had the same process. Would they judge me? Am I good enough? Do I do things “right”? Then I realized it was all silly and all was well.
But since the other Santana scenes were so good, I wrote off her comments as Glee writers failing. Not Santana failing.
Yeast I Stat was gold! I thought it was kind of meta tongue and cheek since Naya is on our screens quite often frolicking about with the red M&M.
Lastly, was I the only one confused that by the end of the episode Santana had a whole girlfriend? That escalated quickly. But I do like seeing Santana yield power, since in this case Dani’s the more experienced one.
Also, what is up with Glee and intimacy between women onscreen. Like I don’t get it. How does ABC Family beat provocateurs extraordinaires Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk at showing real life minutia between couples?
Defending Santana’s comments:
When she first came out and said I love to Britney she was turned down because she wouldn’t leave Artie, which if I were Santana I would personally interpret as “you’re not good enough” (despite rational thinking because love). She only got with Brittney in the first place by manipulating her away from Artie (not her best moment). And given that Santana is not an idiot, she probably deep down knew how fucked up that was even though she was literally willing to do anything to get the woman she loved to be with her. Deep down she probably still thought “I’m not good enough” because men. Given her experience, the only thing that’s really kept her from the women she cared about was men (loving the women she loved and outing her unceremoniously).
Though I’m sure Ryan Murphy didn’t actually mean to address Santana’s deep seated insecurities regarding her self worth and actually intended to hate on bisexuals. Because he’s the worst. But I forever have faith in Santana.
I’m sure this is old news, but I’m still enraged at how blatantly, yet obliviously racist glee is. Tina can’t even get an entire song solo in an episode with her name in it, nor can she be paired up with a more desirable prom king who at least has a re-occuring or lead role/is not entirely a joke, gets called “not-hot” and of course, gets “Carrie-ed” in the end. Thanks Glee, for reminding 17 yr old Asian girls in America that they are “not hot” and will never be “that” girl? Plus to make a comeback, you gotta wear the popular white girl’s barbie dress. Right. I know Glee is self-aware and pokes fun of never giving Tina solos (except of course for GANGHAM STYLE wtf). But seriously, it’s not helping teenage Asian girls who may relate to Tina, with their self-esteem. p.s. Santana + Demi 4ever obv.
I tried to think of words to use to agree with you, but I was so mad about the show’s treatment of Tina that all that came out was “Urrrrggggh!!!”