Yes here we are back in Glee Club, where Tina, Artie, Tree Frog Teen Jesus, Sam, Marley, Unique and Blaine are watching Brittany talking to Kiki.
Who is Kiki?
Brittany: “Siri’s super smart older cousin who’s super jealous of how famous Siri has gotten. She lives inside this super-cheap phone I found at the laundromat.”
Har. Brittany tells Kiki that she’s the only person she can trust now that Santana’s too busy for her and my heart dies a little bit.
They’ve got a plan: they’re giving Brittany the lead in the Big Pep Rally performance. One snag, however…
Brittany: “That’s great! But there’s only one problem, I have to lip sync.”
Blaine: “We don’t lip sync in Glee.”
Brittany: “Well, my voice is too weak to sing live. I’ve been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.”
Artie: “This sounds like a terrible idea.”
Brittany: “We’ll record the song in advance, I’ll choreograph an amazing routine without having to worry about anybody running out of breath, and Mr. Schuester won’t know the difference. Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart, James Earl Jones–“
Will Glee Club lip sync to give Brittany a place in the spotlight? Will McKinley high school explode? Who killed Jenny? Who killed Rosie Larson? Who killed Laura Palmer? Who killed the lights?
Sometimes when I’m about to lose hope, I remember this:
Cut to New York, New York, home to the Dance Studio of Broken Dreams, where Rachel has just showed up with Brody for her big comeback performance!
It seems Rachel’s put together kinda sexy and flashlight-heavy rendition of “Oops, I Did it Again,” one of the greatest songs in music history. One of the greatest songs in all of the histories, really.
Basically everybody takes turns molesting each other, moving furniture around, crawling to and fro, sliding on tables, sticking their faces in each other’s crotches and gyrating on each other.
It’s like an Adam Lambert concert, sans homosexual action.
Remember the last time Rachel covered an early Britney song in an effort to seem sexy?
The performance ends and Kate Hudson tells Rachel she’s STILL not sexy enough, because whatever, and Rachel’s like, you’re just jealous of me! Because I have bangs and you don’t!
Rachel: “You’re just jealous of me. Of all of us.”
Dude: “Rachel, don’t—”
Rachel: “No, because we have our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We’re the future and you’re just some YouTube joke.”
Kate Hudson: “You’re done. Get out of my class. GET OUT OF MY CLASS! OUT!”
Smear to the Mel-Caf for another lesson on bullying. This time, two teenage dingbats are teasing the lunchlady, Mrs. Marley. I call her Mrs. Marley because she birthed Marley, who is all like, THAT’S MY MOM, BITCHES.
Jock: “Are you an only child or do you have a twin who’s still in there?”
I think the teenaged dingbats are confused because Marley is super-pretty and should be playing Popular Girl #1, but since it’s television, she’s playing Ordinary Girl #45, but then before they can get their senses, Jack steps in like a boss TA-DA!
Jake asks the teenage dingbats to apologize and then um, everybody brawls and Mr.Schuester has to take care of it because he’s the only teacher at this school, I think. Then Mr. Shue escorts Jake to the Glee Club Room for a one-on-one with Noah Puckerman. This is the first time Jake has met Noah Puckerman, apparently, and therefore this would be very exciting stuff if I cared about anything any of the men do on this show!
Puck gives Jake a talking-to:
Puck: “I’m the original badass, I had my first threesome when I was seven… I know what it feels like to be scared that you’re not important, or smart, or worth anything. We have the same Dad, bro. I know what it feels like to spend all day trying to prove something to someone who’s never gonna give two craps about you. I rode my motorcycle, played my acts, and banged every chick in this place twice. And you know what? None of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated with the biggest collection of losers you’ve ever seen. Them and Mr. Schue made me a man and if you come in here, it’ll make you a man too.”
It looks like Jake’s gonna join Glee Club! Yahoo! Let’s EAT DONUTS and have a nose war!
Cut to McKinley High School’s sin-soaked gymnasium, where the New Directions will be performing at the annual Pep Pride Cheering School Game Spirit Assembly Day Event! But mere moments before showtime, Brittany’s still noshing on cheese puffs despite Tina’s warning that such activities will taint her breath and hands, which brings me back to the seventh grade dance when somebody let all the boys eat Doritos and then slow dance. Anyhow!
We’re then treated to a re-creation of Britney’s cringe-worthy 2007 Video Music Awards performance, a performance which deeply wounded my heart and soul, so basically this scene is giving me hard core PTSD.
Get it? Brittany has hit rock-bottom! Just like Britney!
The Very Poor Man’s Quinn notices that they’re lip-syncing and stands up and screams!
Mr. Schuster can’t believe this is happening. Neither can Emma.
Mr. Schuester chases the children to the Glee Club room, full of fury.
Mr. Schuester: “In the 58 year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club there has never been such a debacle. WE DO NOT LIP SYNC. EVER.”
Blaine: “I’m sorry Mr. Shue, we were just trying to help Brittany out.”
Mr. Schuester: “Lip syncing is the equivalent of blood-doping in professional sports. Every gain we’ve made in the past three years has been wiped out.”
This is like when Michigan lost their NCAA titles when the Ed Martin scandal broke out! JESUS. So much PTSD for me today.
Brittany responds by quoting Britney and resigning from Glee Club, which’s always the best move in a crisis.
Thus we jaunt back to the East Coast, where Kate Hudson is looking at herself in the mirror and making duckface!
Rachel shows up straight from her gig being an extra for Clueless in 1995 to apologize for yelling and smashing things and starting the fire and killing the spider and putting rum in the rice pudding.
Kate Hudson gives Rachel a debrief: this isn’t McKinley High where Santana can be as sassy as she wants to be and boys can throw rock salt in each other’s eyeballs, this is NEW YORK and this is FAKE JULLIARD and if Rachel just goes around and yells at everybody then one day SHE will be on YOUTUBE and then nobody will want to work with her. EVER.
Kate Hudson says she picks on her students because she wants them to be ready and not to end up on YouTube yelling about cell-phones. Unfortunately, Kate Hudson lacks the authority to toss Rachel out of school:
Kate Hudson: “I don’t believe in second chances, I know they don’t exist. Unfortunately for me, school policy says you get a warning… so you’re in and on probation and [something I couldn’t hear] duty.”
Starsweep Westerly to the Anxiety-Inducing Auditorium of McKinley High, where Brittany’s followed a helpful map written by Sam to meet up and canoodle.
Sam’s ready for a little heart-to-heart with Brit-Brit.
Sam: “Look, I know what you’re up to. The lip-syncing, beating up Jacob Ben-Israel? You’re intentionally hitting rock bottom.”
Brittany: “So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney. I mean look at her, she got paid 14 million dollars to be on X-Factor, she looks great, she has an amazing perfume you can smell from miles away. No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger.”
Sam: “Right. Consider this the last stop on the trainwreck express. An intervention.”
Brittany: “Thank you, I’m so ready to come back.”
I actually like Sam, so I’m glad it’s him giving the advice and not Finn, World’s First Man Made Entirely from Fimo, but I also can’t help but notice that once again it’s a dude snapping a lady to her senses.
Now it’s time to cut deep:
Sam: “You okay? You still seem kinda bummed?”
Brittany: “Santana would’ve understood. And she would’ve used mean words against anyone who got down on me.”
Sam: “You miss her, huh?
Brittany: “I just miss like, the little things, like her laugh and the smell of her armpits. Yes we had interesting ladysex but she was also my best friend.”
Sam: “Well now you have a new friend and he’s blonde.”
Sam: “I’m talking about me. Now you’ve just gotta figure out a way to get you back on the Cheerios.”
Brittany heads to Sue’s office to issue an executive order, written in crayon, to restore her position and her high pony! When in doubt, use crayon.
Sue says Brittany’s gotta get her grades up if she wants to get her high-kicks up.
Never fear — Brittany’s been spending one afternoon a week with the Sexless Lovers, Will and Emma, learning about things, and therefore she’ll be getting excellent grades in no time!
In fact, this strategy has already earned our dear brit-brit a respectable C-.
I believe this means Brittany is back on top.
Smear back to Bushwick, where Rachel has desecrated the set of RENT by writing FINN in big white letters on the exposed brick and then inexplicably surrounded the word FINN in a green and yellow heart. It’s horrible.
Just as Kurt’s about to dash out into the dark night in search of cake from one of those “cute Italian bakeries” people are always talking about on TV but that don’t exist at midnight in Bushwick, there’s a knock at the Brian Kinney door, and Kurt opens it, because they’re obviously complete idiots who will be killed soon
Somehow, Brody has trekked all the way out here — without warning or calling ahead — to present Rachel with an orchid? It’s a new hipster thing.
Dude: “I’ve lived here for three years and I didn’t even know there was a J train.”
Huh. ELITIST BASTARD.
Dude: “I really liked dancing with you and I think that you’re really sexy —”
Rachel: “I can’t… I think you are amazing and very very very sexy, I’m just —”
Dude: “You’re still in love with your boyfriend. Here’s the thing, I will respect your boundaries but just know that when we’re together, whatever we’re talking about, whatever we’re doing, I’m thinking about kissing you. Enjoy the Orchid.”
Yeah motherfucker, ENJOY THE ORCHID!
Cut back to the Formerly-Homosexy Hallways of McKinley High, where Jake tells Marley that he’s actually gonna join Glee Club. Marley thinks he’s joining Glee Club for her, and Jake says that he hopes singing in Glee Club might stop him from punching people?
Then Kitty comes up and says she’s dating Jake, because why anything.
I believe they’re attempting to re-create a Finn-Rachel-Quinn situation. I hope everybody ends up pregnant. Anyhow, now it’s time to go to Glee Club and look at all the faces! I wonder if Harry Potter will be there!
Jake is immediately pounded on the back by a caffinated Mr. Schuester and Teen Tree Frog Jesus tells him that God made him and G-d doesn’t make mistakes. It’s intense.
Now that Jake’s all settled in, there’s one last Britney song to sing. Marley says it’s one of her favorites. SPOILER ALERT: It’s not “E-mail My Heart.”
It’s “Everytime.” Now it’s time for a musical montage!
Next week on Glee, the team recycles yet another plot line with yet another student council election!