Glee 402 Recap: Britney 2.NO

Yes here we are back in Glee Club, where Tina, Artie, Tree Frog Teen Jesus, Sam, Marley, Unique and Blaine are watching Brittany talking to Kiki.

hey santana sorry the cameras are here i’m gonna have to call you back

Who is Kiki?

Brittany: “Siri’s super smart older cousin who’s super jealous of how famous Siri has gotten. She lives inside this super-cheap phone I found at the laundromat.”

Har. Brittany tells Kiki that she’s the only person she can trust now that Santana’s too busy for her and my heart dies a little bit.

we’ve reached a consensus. we think you should be “world’s best grandpa” and santana can be “world’s best grandma.”

They’ve got a plan: they’re giving Brittany the lead in the Big Pep Rally performance. One snag, however…

Brittany: “That’s great! But there’s only one problem, I have to lip sync.”
Blaine: “We don’t lip sync in Glee.”

do these look like faces of people who lip-sync to you?

Brittany: “Well, my voice is too weak to sing live. I’ve been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.”
Artie: “This sounds like a terrible idea.”
Brittany: “We’ll record the song in advance, I’ll choreograph an amazing routine without having to worry about anybody running out of breath, and Mr. Schuester won’t know the difference. Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart, James Earl Jones–“

Will Glee Club lip sync to give Brittany a place in the spotlight? Will McKinley high school explode? Who killed Jenny? Who killed Rosie Larson? Who killed Laura Palmer? Who killed the lights?

Sometimes when I’m about to lose hope, I remember this:

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Cut to New York, New York, home to the Dance Studio of Broken Dreams, where Rachel has just showed up with Brody for her big comeback performance!

also, i’m wearing lip venom, which glamour magazine said is very sexy.

It seems Rachel’s put together kinda sexy and flashlight-heavy rendition of “Oops, I Did it Again,” one of the greatest songs in music history. One of the greatest songs in all of the histories, really.

the tango: maureen

Basically everybody takes turns molesting each other, moving furniture around, crawling to and fro, sliding on tables, sticking their faces in each other’s crotches and gyrating on each other.

tip me over and pour me out.

It’s like an Adam Lambert concert, sans homosexual action.

can’t find the remote

Remember the last time Rachel covered an early Britney song in an effort to seem sexy?

The performance ends and Kate Hudson tells Rachel she’s STILL not sexy enough, because whatever, and Rachel’s like, you’re just jealous of me! Because I have bangs and you don’t!

me against the music against kate hudson

Rachel: “You’re just jealous of me. Of all of us.”
Dude: “Rachel, don’t—”
Rachel: “No, because we have our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We’re the future and you’re just some YouTube joke.”
Kate Hudson:  “You’re done. Get out of my class. GET OUT OF MY CLASS! OUT!”

Eek.

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Smear to the Mel-Caf for another lesson on bullying. This time, two teenage dingbats are teasing the lunchlady, Mrs. Marley. I call her Mrs. Marley because she birthed Marley, who is all like, THAT’S MY MOM, BITCHES.

Jock: “Are you an only child or do you have a twin who’s still in there?”

don’t make fun of my mom! she’s a grown woman in a ryan murphy show, which means being overweight renders her incapable of standing up for herself! good thing i’m here to defend her!

I think the teenaged dingbats are confused because Marley is super-pretty and should be playing Popular Girl #1, but since it’s television, she’s playing Ordinary Girl #45, but then before they can get their senses, Jack steps in like a boss TA-DA!

no homo

Jake asks the teenage dingbats to apologize and then um, everybody brawls and Mr.Schuester has to take care of it because he’s the only teacher at this school, I think. Then Mr. Shue escorts Jake to the Glee Club Room for a one-on-one with Noah Puckerman. This is the first time Jake has met Noah Puckerman, apparently, and therefore this would be very exciting stuff if I cared about anything any of the men do on this show!

who is this fucker and what the hell is happening on his head

Puck gives Jake a talking-to:

Puck: “I’m the original badass, I had my first threesome when I was seven… I know what it feels like to be scared that you’re not important, or smart, or worth anything. We have the same Dad, bro. I know what it feels like to spend all day trying to prove something to someone who’s never gonna give two craps about you. I rode my motorcycle, played my acts, and banged every chick in this place twice. And you know what? None of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated with the biggest collection of losers you’ve ever seen. Them and Mr. Schue made me a man and if you come in here, it’ll make you a man too.”

and i slept with idina menzel!

It looks like Jake’s gonna join Glee Club! Yahoo! Let’s EAT DONUTS and have a nose war!

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Cut to McKinley High School’s sin-soaked gymnasium, where the New Directions will be performing at the annual Pep Pride Cheering School Game Spirit Assembly Day Event! But mere moments before showtime, Brittany’s still noshing on cheese puffs despite Tina’s warning that such activities will taint her breath and hands, which brings me back to the seventh grade dance when somebody let all the boys eat Doritos and then slow dance. Anyhow!

i hope they do “push it” again, that was epic

We’re then treated to a re-creation of Britney’s cringe-worthy 2007 Video Music Awards performance, a performance which deeply wounded my heart and soul, so basically this scene is giving me hard core PTSD.

no seriously someone needs to look at the man in the mirror

Get it? Brittany has hit rock-bottom! Just like Britney!

once you pop you just can’t stop

The Very Poor Man’s Quinn notices that they’re lip-syncing and stands up and screams!

britney spears sex riot!

Mr. Schuster can’t believe this is happening. Neither can Emma.

whoever smelt it, dealt it

Mr. Schuester chases the children to the Glee Club room, full of fury.

Mr. Schuester: “In the 58 year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club there has never been such a debacle. WE DO NOT LIP SYNC. EVER.”
Blaine: “I’m sorry Mr. Shue, we were just trying to help Brittany out.”
Mr. Schuester: “Lip syncing is the equivalent of blood-doping in professional sports. Every gain we’ve made in the past three years has been wiped out.”

This is like when Michigan lost their NCAA titles when the Ed Martin scandal broke out! JESUS. So much PTSD for me today.

i’m keeping my baby

Brittany responds by quoting Britney and resigning from Glee Club, which’s always the best move in a crisis.

show me to your cheetos

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Thus we jaunt back to the East Coast, where Kate Hudson is looking at herself in the mirror and making duckface!

“I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.”

Rachel shows up straight from her gig being an extra for Clueless in 1995 to apologize for yelling and smashing things and starting the fire and killing the spider and putting rum in the rice pudding.

the light at the end of the tunnel

Kate Hudson gives Rachel a debrief: this isn’t McKinley High where Santana can be as sassy as she wants to be and boys can throw rock salt in each other’s eyeballs, this is NEW YORK and this is FAKE JULLIARD and if Rachel just goes around and yells at everybody then one day SHE will be on YOUTUBE and then nobody will want to work with her. EVER.

want a taste?

Kate Hudson says she picks on her students because she wants them to be ready and not to end up on YouTube yelling about cell-phones. Unfortunately, Kate Hudson lacks the authority to toss Rachel out of school:

Kate Hudson: “I don’t believe in second chances, I know they don’t exist. Unfortunately for me, school policy says you get a warning… so you’re in and on probation and [something I couldn’t hear] duty.”

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Starsweep Westerly to the Anxiety-Inducing Auditorium of McKinley High, where Brittany’s followed a helpful map written by Sam to meet up and canoodle.

he’s practically magellan

Sam’s ready for a little heart-to-heart with Brit-Brit.

Sam: “Look, I know what you’re up to. The lip-syncing, beating up Jacob Ben-Israel? You’re intentionally hitting rock bottom.”
Brittany: “So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney. I mean look at her, she got paid 14 million dollars to be on X-Factor, she looks great, she has an amazing perfume you can smell from miles away. No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger.”
Sam: “Right. Consider this the last stop on the trainwreck express. An intervention.”
Brittany: “Thank you, I’m so ready to come back.”

I actually like Sam, so I’m glad it’s him giving the advice and not Finn, World’s First Man Made Entirely from Fimo, but I also can’t help but notice that once again it’s a dude snapping a lady to her senses.

those are really enormous Pop tarts

Now it’s time to cut deep:

Sam: “You okay? You still seem kinda bummed?”
Brittany: “Santana would’ve understood. And she would’ve used mean words against anyone who got down on me.”
Sam: “You miss her, huh?
Brittany: “I just miss like, the little things, like her laugh and the smell of her armpits. Yes we had interesting ladysex but she was also my best friend.”
Sam: “Well now you have a new friend and he’s blonde.”
[pause]
Sam: “I’m talking about me. Now you’ve just gotta figure out a way to get you back on the Cheerios.”

prefers santana’s shoulder

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Brittany heads to Sue’s office to issue an executive order, written in crayon, to restore her position and her high pony! When in doubt, use crayon.

fair

Sue says Brittany’s gotta get her grades up if she wants to get her high-kicks up.

also, it’s getting kinda warm in this hat

Never fear — Brittany’s been spending one afternoon a week with the Sexless Lovers, Will and Emma, learning about things, and therefore she’ll be getting excellent grades in no time!

brittany guessed “glen close”

In fact, this strategy has already earned our dear brit-brit a respectable C-.

also, i sprayed it with britney spears’ signature scent, “curious”

I believe this means Brittany is back on top.

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Smear back to Bushwick, where Rachel has desecrated the set of RENT by writing FINN in big white letters on the exposed brick and then inexplicably surrounded the word FINN in a green and yellow heart. It’s horrible.

look it’s the only word i know how to spell, okay?

Just as Kurt’s about to dash out into the dark night in search of cake from one of those “cute Italian bakeries” people are always talking about on TV but that don’t exist at midnight in Bushwick, there’s a knock at the Brian Kinney door, and Kurt opens it, because they’re obviously complete idiots who will be killed soon

oh hey i was just buying some crystal meth and thought i’d swing by

Somehow, Brody has trekked all the way out here — without warning or calling ahead — to present Rachel with an orchid? It’s a new hipster thing.

Dude: “I’ve lived here for three years and I didn’t even know there was a J train.”

Huh. ELITIST BASTARD.

why yes, i did order some milk

Dude: “I really liked dancing with you and I think that you’re really sexy —”
Rachel: “I can’t… I think you are amazing and very very very sexy, I’m just —”
Dude: “You’re still in love with your boyfriend. Here’s the thing, I will respect your boundaries but just know that when we’re together, whatever we’re talking about, whatever we’re doing, I’m thinking about kissing you. Enjoy the Orchid.”

Yeah motherfucker, ENJOY THE ORCHID!

why yes i will be enjoying the orchid

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Cut back to the Formerly-Homosexy Hallways of McKinley High, where Jake tells Marley that he’s actually gonna join Glee Club. Marley thinks he’s joining Glee Club for her, and Jake says that he hopes singing in Glee Club might stop him from punching people?

well, i guess pudding pops are good too

Then Kitty comes up and says she’s dating Jake, because why anything.

take these pebbles from my palm, grasshopper

I believe they’re attempting to re-create a Finn-Rachel-Quinn situation. I hope everybody ends up pregnant. Anyhow, now it’s time to go to Glee Club and look at all the faces! I wonder if Harry Potter will be there!

Jake is immediately pounded on the back by a caffinated Mr. Schuester and Teen Tree Frog Jesus tells him that God made him and G-d doesn’t make mistakes. It’s intense.

Now that Jake’s all settled in, there’s one last Britney song to sing. Marley says it’s one of her favorites. SPOILER ALERT: It’s not “E-mail My Heart.”

eeeeee-mailllllllllll myyyyyyyyy hearrrrttttttttttttt

It’s “Everytime.” Now it’s time for a musical montage!

saddest panda

nobody wins in this situation

hanging out on the set of a britney spears video, maybe

THE END!

Next week on Glee, the team recycles yet another plot line with yet another student council election!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2kvVvN6ttI

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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52 Comments

  1. Something happened… I actually liked this episode?

    My only quip is that they made Brittany call lady sex “interesting.” And for some reason I couldn’t glean the exact sentiment of that particular use of the word. In my head Ryan Murphy sees a picture of a girl and yells “cooties!,” so grain of salt, grain of salt.

    Other than that, this episode made sense.

  2. if britney can get through 2007, i can get through this episode of-

    nope, fuck it. ryan murphy has destroyed everything i ever loved about pop music and singing.

  3. I might have facebooked Shannon while watching this episode to tell her that they were singing Boyfriend on Glee and that I missed her.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one.

  4. I didn’t even make the connection between Britney’s shaved head and the razor thing with Brittany before this recap.

    I used to be educated before I watched Glee.

  5. “THIS IS THE SAME FACE SHE MAKES WHEN THINKING ABOUT FINN HUDSON DOING A NAKED POTATO SACK RACE”

    Come to think of it, Finn Hudson is essentially the embodiment of a naked potato sack….

  6. I don’t know if I have the constitution to read this yet, having just made it through this disaster of an episode last night. My number one feeling while watching was “why is the Jesus guy singing a song about threesomes?”

    Britney Two Point Oh-My-God-Why-Is-This-Happening

  7. i wish the orchid dude gave rachel was actually a symbolic vulva and he’s actually saying enjoy all the vaginas of new york.

    i also wish we could have a playlist called songs that glee did that other people did better.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-vo6g3-Qpw

    i’m actually quite frightened of gangrene, as well as scurvy and rickets. i realize these are not rational fears.

  8. Oh god, this show looks so terrible. I have so many feelings from this recap alone:

    a) Seeing the side-by-side of Quinn and Kitty just punched me in the feels because I miss Dianna’s face SO FUCKING MUCH. Ugh.

    b) How the hell did Kurt and Rachel buy wine? I mean, nevermind the fact that they can suddenly afford rent in New York, but they’re underage, amirite?

    c) Every Britney joke is offensive and just sad.

    d) Why does Glee think they can get away with reusing the same songs in virtually the same scenarios? And like. It wasn’t even good.

    e) WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS SHOW AND MAKING MEN OUT OF EVERY FUCKING MALE-IDENTIFIED PERSON???? AAARRRRRGGGGHHHH I WANT TO KICK PUPPIES NOW.

    f) Shannon singing Bieber won Camp 2.0. End story.

    • YES

      Just because they bought the rights to Britney’s music doesn’t mean they have the right to mock and rehash a very difficult time in her life. Especially since she was ON THE SHOW two years ago.

  9. Oh fucking god the inconsistencies are so fucking annoying. So the dance teacher’s video went viral on youtube ten years ago- 3 years before youtube was founded? You’d think they would at least attempt to make sense.

  10. The men in this show spend so much time making men out of each other, I’m surprised they haven’t already gotten down to business to defeat the Huns.

  11. Also, guys, I still don’t get the scene in which Blaine (GAY!) and Artie (HER EX, for god’s sake!) sing BOYFRIEND for our favorite bisexual, who is for the recods in a happy relationship with our all-favorite super-lesbian Santana.

    I mean, it just doesn’t make sense :S

    • it doesn’t have to make sense, it’s just Blaine and he has to sing in every episode, the end. That’s how it goes in Murphyland.

  12. Last time Rachel tried to be sexy by singing a Britney song it was “…Baby One More Time,” not “Oops I Did It Again.”

    This episode just made me feel really uncomfortable and sad. It felt kind of mean-spirited too, like the writers just decided to make fun of Britney after she was so cool about the show when it started.

  13. I’m just going to go ahead with my super pessimistic predictions and say that they’re going to break up Brittany and Santana and Britt is going to start dating Sam. Because that’s the kind of bitch move I’ve come to expect from ryan murphy.

    • Apparently all couples are breaking up, but some “make it” later on. We know Rachel will date Brody and they’ve casted a hot guy for Kurt, so maybe, maybe there’s hope for Brittana…

  14. i liked “3” best of all the songs. what’s especially amusing was teen jesus singing about threesomes because it just goes to show how absurd their songs choices are- which made me a whole lot less annoyed about artie singing boys/boyfriend to brittany. apparently there’s a lot of rationalizing when i watch this show.
    i’m surprised that this re-cap was missing the hudson/berry stretchy scene. that seemed particularly gay.
    also, brittany performing with her cheetos brought me a lot of joy.

    let’s skip episode 3 and go straight to 4.

  15. A girl you’ve known for years spirals into a depression? Have a theme week in Glee Club! You wouldn’t want to meddle by calling her “girlfriend,” am I right? But hey, a kid you barely know needs to learn a thing or two about being the manliest man oh what a man?! Call the guy’s long-lost brother who doesn’t even know he exists to come across the country tell ’em a thing or two!

    Will Schuester, YOU truly are Teacher of the Year.

    (ALSO, Puck came from LOS FUCKING ANGELES TO OHIO to have this conversation?! Did Will pay for that plane ticket?! That shit is prohibitively expensive, and by prohibitively I mean it is the thing PROHIBITING Grace from discussing her many lady admirers while sitting on my couch in West LA at this very moment! I AM JUST SAYING.)

  16. I liked how brief this recap was. It was funny, it was sad, it was awesome (a-camp mention!) and it seemed like maybe it was completed in one bottle of whiskey or less.

  17. Why do both the Teenaged Bully Dudes and the cheerleaders all look like extras from Pleasantville?

    In what high school can Brittany wear a bikini in a performance like that? (seriously my school wouldn’t even let us wear tank-tops)

    Why do they think they can recycle the Season 1 love triangle plot with new characters and think we won’t notice?

    Why does Tina’s fashion sense change every season (especially when they made such a big deal about her “not changing” in the Madonna episode in Season 1)?

    How exactly does one “scissor-Skype”?

    So many questions!

  18. “where Rachel is auditioning to be the fourth member of Hunter Valentine.” <- I laughed so hard I scared my niece.

  19. I was really hoping brittany would get to shave a little of her head before they stopped her, then at least she’d have a sweet undercut. if only…

  20. Of all the offensive/ridiculous/badly-done things that happened in this episode, the thing that stood out to me the most was Puck’s “I had my first threesome when I was 7”. That’s not witty nor funny. Are rape jokes going to be next, Ryan Murphy?

    • You seem to be forgetting that Puck’s character was introduced as a rape story. See: Quinn’s impregnation.

      • Although they’ve tried to go back and retcon story that a couple of times later, since they got such angry feedback about it. As they are wont to do from time to time; revise their own storylines. See also: Rachel’s birth via surrogacy/adoption.

          • Quinn totally blamed him during Season 1 because he had claimed they were safe, but they weren’t, so i’d say at least that part was non consensual.

            But then in S3 that became “the reason I fell in love with you” so i just wanna stop trying to make Glee make sense and just kick these writers a few times somewhere

          • Yeah, the S3 retcon is what I was referring to: Quinn may not realize that Puck raped her (by plying her with alcohol and lying about protection) and claim that it was “love”, but that doesn’t undo the reality of the situation.

    • Plus Ryan Murphy is proud of his own introduction to sexuality via statutory rape by a much older high school football player, so the notion that this is okay is something that gets dropped into glee from time to time.

  21. Am I legit the only one who noticed that there is now a SECOND alternative lifestyle haircut Cheerio joining the other one from last season? I feel like that is reason enough to rejoice and forget how otherwise terrible this episode was.

  22. Apparently the episode after next is called “The Breakup” (at least my Ryan Murphy-worshipping gay roommate’s boyfriend says so). Maybe, if we’re lucky, New Directions will break up and the show will end.

    Or Rachel Berry will break up with Gap. On second thought, doubtful.

    Also, what happened to the guy who tried to commit suicide? Why did we never hear anything about him again? That was actually a semi-admirable plot line.

  23. Oh, Marley…why are you letting stupid Ryan Murphy set you up as straight? & so early in the season, too! I hardly had time to hope…

    But seriously, am I the only one that thinks Marley is cute/a little bit gay? I mean, Dianna Agron is still the first & foremost possessor of my heart, but Marley’s definitely gonna be my eye-candy of choice this season.

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