Formspring Friday: Save a Lesbian For Less Than the Cost of a Cup of Coffee

You have some questions and, as we’ve mentioned before, sometimes we just don’t have the skills / knowledge / adderall to answer them in a timely fashion. So Laneia and Riese have once again emptied about 5% of their collective 1,300 unanswered formspring questions (we’re not exaggerating) in hopes that these women can find the solace they seek without us having to think too hard. You can ask Riese anything (except for questions you’ve already asked Laneia) and you can ask Laneia anything (except for questions you’ve already asked Riese) via these clever boxes on our tumblr.

26 Formspring Questions For You to Answer:

Q: Should i switch my facebook to interested in women? I’m not sure if i want my old high school friends to know/my mom and brother to find out somehow. But i really want this cute queer girl to know cuz frankly id like to hit that.

Q: I identify and mostly present as butch but am afraid to get an alternative lifestyle haircut because my face is round and chubby, and will look fatter without hair framing it??? Any ideas?

Q: I recently started dating a vegan girl. I’m mostly a vegetarian, but I’m not sure if I should go the extra step of switching to eating vegan. I support her veganism, and love eating vegan meals she cooks, but is it too soon/clingy to go the next step?

Q: we were best friends, and then we fucked, and then we were long-distance best friends who fucked on school breaks, and since thanksgiving- nothing. no calls. no messages. do i call and risk no answer? or what if there is an answer? what do i get? HELP

Q: I have three weeks to travel anywhere in Europe. I don’t like big cities. Where should I go?

Q: i have a high school reunion coming up in a few weeks. i was excited for a while (i loved my tiny free-spirit HS), but have realized that i can’t go because my ex will be expecting me to go and will show up. SHE’S RUINING MY LIFE AND WON’T LISTEN TO ME WTF

Q: do americans really wear shoes inside? i hear its a thing. is it a thing?

Q: I’m a straight girl, who I guess you could definitely say is “bi-curious”. Do you have any suggestions on how I could explore being “bi-curious”? How I could meet gay girls without freaking them out or something? It seems impossible.

Q: I met a boy. He started acting like he had a crush on me. I made it clear I was gay. Our friendship continued. Today he walked 20 minutes out of his way (in a blizzard) to walk me home. Do I need to do something?

Q: I have a partner, she is nice/AMAZINGFANTASTICAL, we have been together for 3 years-ish and live together. I want her to meet my grandparents. My grandparents like to watch Bill O’asshat on fox news. Dilemma. Advice?

Q: My girlfriend attracts all the scared, confused, gay girls around us. She talks to them and helps them and they all fall in love with her. I love her for helping them like she helped me, and I know I shouldn’t get jealous, but I do. Am I a bad person?

Q: My girlfriend is wearing the wrong size bra, but she refuses to get measured or get a different one because she thinks getting a bigger size means she is fat and her mother won’t like it (although she is 20) . How do I get her to wear something that fits?

Q: My fiancee and I are really feminine. Like dancing to Ke$ha (albeit ironically) in lacy underwear feminine. But then when we go out together holding hands people don’t think we’re a couple which just fucking annoys me. How do I lez up without butching up?

Q: did i fall in love with a player or was it my fault we never dated cause i didn’t take the initiative and go for it?

Q: I’m not physically attracted to her at all, but she’s nice and funny, and she says all the right things to make me melt and chuckle. What do I do?

Q: there’s a girl I’ve been seeing casually, she just told me that she’s been seeing this other girl and wants to be exclusive with her. Should I back off or should I fight for her? I really like her.

Q: There’s brilliant, beautiful girl in my English class. HUGE crush. A guy in class said she wants to hang out. He has my # but hasn’t set anything up yet. When I talk to her she seems disinterested / aloof. Do I wait or talk to her directly w/o his help?

Q: hey, could you recommend me some books? i’m a somewhat hipster teenage dyke. kthnxbye :)

Q: background: i graduated hs this year. i’m going to college & living at home, while working a min. wage job. situation: a coworker said i’m scornful & arrogant. i didn’t know i come off this way. i don’t want to come off this way. help?

Q: Why is it that only boys return my calls and emails but not the girls I talk to?

Q: There’s this other girl I go to school who’s a soft butch, and I think she has the hots for me. We’re really good friends, but she takes it too far sometimes. How do I tell her I’m not interested?

Q: ~4 times/day, I freak out when I remember I’m gay and different, and I will have to continuously come out, and I can’t go back since people now know I’m gay. (Unless I move far away.) What if it’s not true? What if it is? Does this feeling ever go away?

Q: I was watching Margaret Cho on youtube, & she said something about lesbians and sign language. Is this a thing? Did I miss something…?

Q: why is the L word so terrible? more importantly, why can’t I stop watching?

Q: Oh no. 4 years with a woman i love and now i fall for a straight girl. Help. Just help. What do i do? How can i do this without so much despair?

Q: Recently came out to myself but my dad has threatened throw me out if I am gay, which of course I am. My stepmom thinks its a phase and that I should seek medical help. What do I do? I don’t wana be homeless at 17.


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  1. #3- what do you like? there are all kinds of great small towns and natural outdoorsy places to visit in Europe, but first it helps to have an idea of what interests you.

    • come to belfast, northern ireland.. it is a city but in U.S terms its a large town (if even).. has all th best bits of northern ireland and you can easily get a bus to anywhere in the province in less than 2 hours if you wana see the other landmarks.. giants causeway, bushmills distillery, the fermangh lakes, the mourne mountains and of course, my house :)

      the P.S.A. was brought to you by someone that is currently snowed in and extremely bored .. come visit and relieve my boredom!!

      • I stayed at this great hostel called the Ginger Monkey in this tiny village called Zdiar in the High Tatra mountains in Slovakia. You’re thinking, why the hell would I go to Slovakia of all places? Because the mountains are absolutely gorgeous, there’s an adorable dog at the hostel, and the beer and skiing are dirt cheap (and delicious, in the case of the beer – much better than American).

        • today i was in haarlem (15 min from amsterdam) and it was BEAUTIFUL. i’d recommend small towns in the netherlands, germany, etc., or a united kingdom tour, small towns in spain/italy, or an czech republic/slovakia/austria etc. tour… YOU CAN GO TO SALZBURG, DO YOU LIKE SOUND OF MUSIC I BET YOU DO

          oh also GREECE

          • I spent 6 months in Tübingen, a cute little university town in southwest Germany. It’s got a lot of fun things to do but isn’t overwhelming, and the people are really nice. I highly recommend it!

          • Go to Slovenia!!! It’s gorgeous, Alpine, but just barely eastern european, sort of like northern Italy and Austria and the Balkans had a calm idyllic love child. It’s small–the capitol, Ljubljana, is by far the biggest city and is only about 250,00 people and even the people who live there seem to all have close ties to the countryside and go to the mountains to hike every weekend. Even if you don’t like cities, Ljubljana will feel like a town, but also have hip stuff to do. Then you can rent a car and go spend a weekend on a “tourist farm” which is not at all as creepy as it sounds and more like a bed and breakfast with great soups and breads and more animals and you can go down rivers of supernaturally emerald and clear shades. Look it up for some better explanations, but I don’t know anyone who’s been and not liked it.

            Also, going along the coast of Croatia is great: gorgeous beaches on the adriatic (ferry to venice?), the plitvice lakes, and if you like old preserved towns for their beauty despite their touristyness, there’s Dubrovnik.

          • Orvieto, Italy / surrounding other tiny towns that used to be castles. Theyre adorable/ great shopping and cute people. (Also, they love the gays in italy.)

          • Slovenia, deffo! – I went to Lake Bled in the summer (not far from Ljubljana) and it’s beautiful and although it looks all majectic and huge, it’s quite easy to get around a lot of the attractions in a day or two, I think. (Also if you go to the capital I recommend conducting your own personal tour of the grafitti, which I can’t spell, around town – that alone is amazing).

    • #5 – Come to Edinburgh! I don’t like big cities either and i’m constantly glad I live here. Its beautiful and has hills and a castle and the sea and you can walk everywhere if you want. Also, would recommend Lucca in Italy. Gorgeous wee town, with really epic old city walls and buildings.

    • Innsbruck in Austria is awesome. It’s very pretty, lots of nature, “Sound of Music” scenery and home of Swavorski crystals so you can see shiny pretty things. Also very affordable. Also check out some of the small villages in the south france in provence and along the Mediterranean like Canne.

      Also, if you like castles check out this one in Germany – Disney built the Disneyland one modled after this one. Tours are given in English and the scenery is beautiful with lots of hiking.

  2. 12.
    I’m not sure if you identify this way but your question made me think about the plight of femme invisibility. If neither of y’all are self id’d queer femmes please forgive me. My favorite thing is flagging femme. I’m queer as they come but I don’t need to butch it up as you say to prove myself and neither do you. How do you flag femme? Well I have glitter hankies and a necklace that says rough femme for example. As annoying as it is to be misread sometimes it can be fun to surprise people. Try getting a kick out of the confused looks y’all get and then get back to having fun with your fiancé!

  3. Heads up: numbering is off, you have #s 10-14 twice.

    #20 should not be out to your family. Unless you are being abused or harassed, but it seems to me from your comment that you’d rather stay home. Dan Savage is a dick about 50% of the time, but he’s right about this one: you don’t need to come out to your homophobic parents until you have actually moved out, especially if there’s a chance of them paying for or contributing to your education if they think you’re straight. When you have your independence, that’s when you tell them – when you can leave the house if they start threatening you.

    I have opinions about all of these, sheesh.

    12.2: Do hipsters read YA fiction, or do they feel obligated to go straight (hah) to adult? If you read YA, you maybe would like Dare, Truth or Promise by Paula Boock, Ash by Malinda Lo, the body of work of Nancy Garden, David Levithan, Julie Anne Peters and Sara Ryan, and A Love Story Starring My Dead Best Friend by Emily Horner. I hope other people hit you with lots of recs too!

    • Ahh thanks. I went and fixed the numbering – that wasn’t the only problem area so there are really 26 questions.

      The numbers people used in the comments may not match now, keep that in mind!

    • More on 12.2 which is actually 18 now:

      – I AM SO DUMB, you should read THE REHEARSAL by ELEANOR CATTON which is AMAZING. There isn’t a lot of explicit gayness but it is still very very queer. This is a book that actually needs to be read twice but it’s so worth it. It was nominated for the Orange Prize. it’s really really good.

      – Disobedience by Naomi Alderman. Also the book Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld has only minimal homogay content, but I feel like lesbians would like it anyway, anyone want to confirm? I liked it, is what I’m saying, and it’s pretty hipster if you ignore the cover. It’s pretty excellent in terms of feelings, I often felt like she was directly challenging 15 year old me in a way that made me sad and happy at the same time. Pink by Lili Wilkinson is a book that managed to be about a bisexual girl struggling with her sexuality while never actually using the word bisexual which makes me CRAZY, and yet I still enjoyed it.

      – Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell. Not lesbian at all, but a wonderful book.

      – Also, hipsters need to read some more science fiction. You should try James Tiptree, Jr (who was actually a woman, she was amazing), there’s a collection called Her Smoke Rose Up Forever, it is really good. Maybe also Connie Willis’s Uncharted Territory which is short & silly & great. Octavia Butler is incredible, try Fledgling or Kindred (the former is more fantasy, it has vampires, but they’re awesome, the latter is like if The Time Traveler’s Wife grew up and got a social conscience.)

      Okay, I think I’m done now.

        • It’s so damned amazing. It’s polarising though. I read it as part of a book club and half of us LOVED it with all our hearts and the other half wavered between being meh and actively disliking it. (Philistines.)


        I recommended Ursula Le Guin downthread, but I’m going to drop it here too.

        • Weird, I’m just about to read one of her books. I just read a Heinlein book, so now I have to read 50 books by female authors to offset the male supremacy propaganda in his writing.

          • In the Heinlein I just read, the phrase “gee whillickers” was used. There were also a few women sitting in the corner knitting while the men were busy being real. LOL.

            Anyway, I just finished Chap. 1 of The Left Hand of Darkness, and it is really good. I couldn’t remember which one of the Earthsea books I left off on, so I went with TLHOD.

      • I would like to confirm anything Curtis Sittenfeld has ever written. I’ve read her three books multiple times and I like how even though the main characters are straight, she always makes sure to have an interesting lesbian character. (I would just say “gay” but I just realized they were all women.)
        Prep’s cover totally threw me off – I thought it would be a guilty pleasure but it ended up being a serious, good book.

        • I actually only read Prep a couple of weeks ago so now I’m quite excited to read her other books! I have to say one of my favourite things about Prep was her mentioning that she became friends with [spoiler character] after Ault & like, commenting on her Adult Gay Life.

      • Yeah, I’m with everyone else who says more science fiction.
        and as an FYI, James Tiptree Junior= Alice Sheldon= Racoona Sheldon. Pretty sure that she has things published under all three names.

        As has been mentioned, Ursula K. LeGuin is an excellent choice.
        I’m personally also a fan of Madeline L’Engle, even though her stuff is lacking homogay content.

    • READ EVERYTHING BY JOHN GREEN, especially Will Grayson, Will Grayson, because even though it doesn’t have lesbians, it’s kind of the gayest book ever and will give you the warm fuzzies.

        • I AM a total Nerdfighter. Sadly, I’m abroad for the next two years, and my Internet connection doesn’t play nice with Youtube, so, alas, Nerdfighteria feels farther away than the US. At least there’ll be lots of stuff to watch when I get home.

          Best wishes!

  4. #1: Everybody (who’s queer) knows that a missing “interested in” = not entirely straight. Also, you could just tell the cute queer girl that you’re queer. If you want to hit that you have to talk to that at some point.

    • Except for my parents who think that having your interested in status set to anything means your actually searching for a sexual relationship on the internet and are a weird creep.

  5. # 20 – WAIT. Do not be homeless. Just wait until you’ re in a position to financially support yourself. You don’t have to lie, but you have to make sure you have things like food and shelter before you go out on that limb.

  6. 1. Change it, but remember she might not actually be stalking your facebook, so you should also ASK HER OUT, hi. Alternatively, you can talk a lot about things that Gay Ladies talk about, like Tegan & Sara, Autostraddle, Melissa Etheridge’s divorce, Portia changing her last name, etc. That’s basically how I came out to all the Gay Ladies I know.

    3. Unless you’ve been thinking of going vegan anyway, you shouldn’t (IMO) really do it for someone else – especially if she hasn’t asked you to or indicated that she wants you to – maybe she actually doesn’t mind!

    7. Craigslist. Do not fuck a girl without telling her up front that you are straight.

    11.1 Her boobs, her problem, maybe she just doesn’t want to tell you that she can’t afford a new bra, maybe “your bra is too small for you” is something that you should not be saying to someone with body image issues. This is all by way of saying that this girl sounds like me and it would really upset me if my girlfriend brought this up more than once. It’s not affecting you, just drop it.

    14.1 Don’t do it. You can’t fix lack of physical attraction.

    11.2 If she’s aloof when you talk to her anyway, what have you got to lose? Just ask her out.

  7. #1 – if you want to do it, you can change your privacy settings so that people like your mom/dad/brother can’t see that section of your information – I think it includes hometown and birthday too, but not much else, and they know that stuff anyway, right? If you’re still unsure, take some comfort in the fact that any interested queer lady who sees no preference listed will at least think “well, maaaybe…”

    #3 – you should only go vegan if it’s what YOU really want to do, not for your GF. And you can always eat vegan when you’re with her and have ice cream/cheese/other such wonderful dairy products when you’re alone/with friends.

    second #3 (?) – some of the smaller cities in Brussels are really nice – Brughe and Ghent for example. You could also try touring wine countries in places like Italy/France/etc

    #6 – one of my roommates does a lot. I think it’s weird. I don’t (wear shoes inside). We’re both American.

  8. 11.
    Q: My girlfriend is wearing the wrong size bra, but she refuses to get measured or get a different one because she thinks getting a bigger size means she is fat and her mother won’t like it (although she is 20) . How do I get her to wear something that fits?

    Make her read this page.
    Very very informative, on another note you can also bring up the fact that if she’s self conscious now about this booby brouhaha, the sh*t is really gonna hit the fan when her titties go downhill (literally) because of a badly chosen bra.

  9. RE: Travelling around Europe.
    There’s no list of where you ‘should’ go, where do you WANT to go? Assuming you’re American or Canadian, the exchange rate really isn’t in your favour, so I’m assuming this isn’t a spur of the moment decision, since it’s gonna cost you some $$$s, so I’m sure there must be something that’s pushing you to come here. Think about what draws you to Europe, is it the history, art, food, people, culture? Once you figure that out, the rest is easy peasy. Travel within Europe is cheap, by budget airlines (Ryanair, Easyjet) or interrailing which allows you the flexibility to buy one ticket and take whatever trains you want, or you can buy ticket by ticket. You’ll probably find it cheapest to fly into London from the US, as there is a lot of competition between airlines on those routes, from there you can fly or train it cheaply anywhere. The one thing I will say is go to Italy, you’ll regret it if you don’t! If coming to Europe in the Summer go to a music festival, there are some major ones and tonnes of little ones, depending on what you like. If you need advice once you decide what you’re looking for, let me know.

    For flights, incl. budget airlines :

    • ^^^ this girl knows every single thing you could ever possibly need to know about traveling around europe SERIOUSLY.

    • This makes me think of another important thing! Definitely do things that you enjoy here there–music festivals, dancing, art classes, rafting, whatever it is. These are the most memorable things. For example, I search out the swing dance scenes when I travel (or some other more local dance), and the punk shows, because I like things like that here, and I get to enjoy them with locals there. This is better than just seeing the sights, especially if you’re by yourself. So think about what you like to do, like Vicky said, and go places where there’s a great scene for them.

  10. 1. I’ve noticed that people don’t tend to pay much attention to that, but then that also means your crush may not notice it either. More obvious? Adding lesbian-relating things to your profile. Don’t do the relationship status thing though, I swear it’s cursed.

    2. I’ve got a roundish face and I know people with round faces that have had great alternative lifestyle haircuts. Short pixie actually works pretty well, even close shaves! Find a hairdresser that’ll understand – they don’t have to be expensive, I’ve gotten mine at the local hairdressing school and because there are teachers to guide your hairdresser they do take care of ya.

    3. Do what you can, it’s up to you. My sister married a vegetarian and they eat mostly vegetarian at home, but she does go out to have meat sometimes. I feel this is largely something you need to talk with your gf about, see what they’re tolerant for.

    4. It’s Mercury Retrogade AND busy holiday season. I can understand the frustration though, I’ve had close friends disappear for about 9 months without warning! Just send a “Hi, thinking of you, hope you’re well” and let it be at least till after the holiday rush.

    3.2. Erfurt in Germany is REALLY PRETTY.

    7. I’m a queer girl and I’ve faced your issue since I have a boyfriend! I’ve found that honesty helps. There will be people that’ll be pissy about it, but others who won’t mind. It may take a while but good luck!

    (Can I just add in with a personal testimonial here: some of you may remember my occasional rantings about not being able to get a girlfriend because nobody believes I’m queer. Or that one dream girl that became a nightmare before we even got to do anything in person. Well LADIES and the odd gent: this past week, I have managed to acquire not one but TWO! Two female lovers! Both of whom are cool with the boyfriend and each other and are sexy as hell. If it can happen to me it can happen to you! :D)

    8. Talk to him. He may just be uberfriendly. It may be awkward for a while but it’ll work out (speaking as one often in the guy’s shoes)

    9. Don’t talk about politics and just keep to the food.

    10. Jealousy’s normal, so no it doesn’t make you a bad person, but again communicate with your gf – it may point to some underlying issue.

    11. Boo fatphobic mothers. If it helps, tell her getting the right size bra will help her look slimmer.

    12. Make out :P

    14. Enjoy her company :)

    11.2 Talk to her directly! Good luck!

    13.2 Eh, I get told I’m scornful and arrogant just because I’m assertive and hold my ground. Don’t worry about one person’s problem.

    15. Sometimes only the direct approach works. It’ll be hard to hear but it’ll work out.

    19. Enjoy the crush, let the endorphins out, talk to your partner. Crushes are normal, it’s not like your attraction to other people will automatically shut down just because you’ve got someone. Make it silly and fun.

    20. Urgh ack. Are there organisations for queer youth near you that can help?

    • (Can I just add in with a personal testimonial here: some of you may remember my occasional rantings about not being able to get a girlfriend because nobody believes I’m queer. Or that one dream girl that became a nightmare before we even got to do anything in person. Well LADIES and the odd gent: this past week, I have managed to acquire not one but TWO! Two female lovers! Both of whom are cool with the boyfriend and each other and are sexy as hell. If it can happen to me it can happen to you! :D )

      Thank you for giving a girl hope!!!

  11. one time, i walked into victoria’s secret and the lady very aggressively placed a measuring tape around me while asking me if i would like to know my bra size. so just walk into victoria’s secret with her?

    • haha…. this may well be the best advice ever. It is incredibly shocking how aggressive they are.

  12. maybe we numbered the post this way on purpose.

    [jk we’re just two girls in the world trying to get our dreams made. we can’t do numbers. look at my shiny hair! it’s braided today.]

  13. 1. Like it or not, Facebook is public. Don’t put anything on there you wouldn’t put in the newspaper. That said: if you would be ok with being outed in a newspaper, you are lightyears ahead of a lot of us, so go for it.
    2. In my opinion, rounder faces are more attractive, and I know many people agree with me, but if you won’t be comfortable, don’t do it.
    3. Don’t become vegan for her. If you’re changing a fundamental aspect of your existence, it should be based on what’s right for you, not pleasing somebody else.
    6. Yes, But not all of us.
    8. Good lesbros do things like that. Thank him.
    12. Don’t feel like you need the recognition of strangers to legitimize your relationship.

    Also: this is the second one of these that one of my questions have been in. That makes me laugh.

  14. 16. This is so normal, I swear half the homogays in the world are dealing with this (INCLUDING ME). What I do is keep reassuring myself that things will fall into place eventually. Like, “It Gets Better” and stuff. Your sexuality shouldn’t be your defining quality, but it’s an important part of who you are. These things can be fluid, and it’s easiest to just roll with it.
    You are who you are and it doesn’t need a label. It’s doesn’t matter what people think. As long as you are living the life you want to live, everything will turn out okay.

  15. 10. I had the same situation with my grandparents. When I finally came out they surprised me with “being gay is very fashionable these days”. Maybe that’s what 80 year olds are gleaning from cable news? I’m sure they love you more than the asshat.

  16. 2. You’ll never know if it looks good or not unless you go for it. I was nervous about cutting my hair but I did it and I’ll never go back. If you hate then at least you’ll know and it will grow back.

    6. Avoid her and if she approaches you mess with her head… pretend you don’t know her but be really friendly no matter what her reaction.

    13. Give her a peck now and then in public when you’re wanting to assert your queerness or say sweet things to her in front of people so they get the idea and the best part about that is your girl will appreciate it whether people notice or not.

    17. YES. Just give her your number yourself and ask if she wants to get tea or see a local band or go rock climbing with you. Have something in mind to ask her to do with a fairly specific day, DON’T just ask if she wants to “hang out sometime”. If she likes you she’s going to do whatever you suggest and it will be easier to make definite plans instead of hemming and hawing in the moment.

  17. I am so confused by this numbering thing, so I will refer to the questions qualitatively rather than quantitatively.

    haircut question- I also have a really round face (like obscenely grossly disgusting round) and the first time I cut my hair it looked terrible (I got my hair bobbed just above my ears, which incidentally looks terrible on just about everyone) so I was terrified pretty much forever of cutting my hair, but I cut it off in september again and it looks fine. I think the trick is to make it really layery/attached to your head/short if that makes sense to anyone (it makes no sense, actually, just cut it so it sticks to your face/head/cut your hair like a boy, cause nobody harasses boys about round faces)

    • The numbers have been fixed; it goes from 1-26 now. Most comments since 8:00pm should reflect the new numbering.

      Let me know if the list is still effed up and I just can’t see it.

  18. #26 – my parents reacted similarly. the first time they threatened to kick me out (I was 18) I got scared, denied everything and went right back into the closet. Two years later it all happened again, except it was worse. Two years of ridiculous lies took their toll. And I decided that it would maybe be better if I moved out. That at least I could be me and that I wouldn’t have to be coerced into denying who I was again. I got a job, lived with some friends for a while… really got by without them, now I have my own place, my own life, my own everyhting. And now our relationship is growing again. The way things happened… it was all very fucked, but they respect me now for being me and living my life. They are even starting to adjust to the lesbian idea. It’s hard. I don’t feel like I can give you advice and tell you that you should do what I did; maybe your context doesn’t allow you to get a decent job or maybe you don’t have enough friends who would be willing to offer their houses. I truly believe that in extreme cases it is better to struggle with a lie than risk losing everything. But I just wanted to let you know that it happened to me and that things only started to actually work out when I stood up to them and offered them nothing else but who I really am. It was really hard in the beginning and I was really really scared, but now everything feels so much better and life is way less heavy. Think about it. Look around you. See what can be done. Be true to yourself.

    • #26 – I am totally there with you right now. Except, I haven’t told my parents yet. I currently live at home but I am moving out in two weeks. I’ve been in the closet for almost 4 years because I have not been able to afford to move out. I can now and I’m really looking forward to living my life the way I want without everyone asking me where I am and what I am doing all the time. I’m hoping that by moving out I will gain the courage to finally come out to them. I cannot wait for that relief! I live in the Midwest and my parents are older and very set in their ways. I’m pretty sure they are going to react the same way your parents did. Anyway, I hope things turn out ok for you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

    • #26 – I highly recommend listening to some Dan Savage. Like, lots and lots of Dan Savage. He’s a big advocate of not coming out to your parents until you’re able to be financially independent. When I first listened, I was like, “No! Be true to yourself at all costs!” but then I listened more, and now I completely agree.

      In most cases, it’s really not safe to be homeless at 17 (or even 18 or 19 or 20), and you’ll greatly reduce your chances of getting the education that will enable your future independent happiness. Far better, and safer, to remain in your parents’ good graces for a few more years, while you position yourself for being independent, happy, and safe.

      I’d not tell you to lie, but I would encourage omission. If they ask, “So what boy are you dating?” you can decline to discuss your personal life entirely. I know it’s hard; your insides will be screaming at you to tell them and make them respect you. But telling them won’t make them respect you, it will just put you in a bad situation.

      I’m not saying stay closeted. I’m just saying stay closeted to your parents. For your own health, you’ll need to be out to your friends, and I strongly encourage that. Just be sure they know not to talk about it around your parents. Not being out to somebody does not mean not being out to everybody. Be ubergay with all the people with whom you can safely be ubergay! Read Autostraddle voraciously, and nerver miss a Pride!

      Give yourself five years, a college degree, or $10,000. I know that sounds like a lot of time, but it really isn’t. I know a bachelor’s degree is a lot of work, but you’ve got it in you. And I know that ten grand seems like an impossible sum to save, but it’s not. You get either five years out from where you are now, a degree behind your name, or ten grand in a bank account (to which your parents do not have access) and you’re free. Scream it from the rooftops!

      ‘Till then, I strongly advise laying low w/r/t your parents. (And really, seriously, listen to some Dan Savage. He’s brilliant, and far more eloquent than I.) Good luck, and be strong!

  19. Pingback: BiFemLounge.Com » Formspring Friday: Save a Lesbian For Less Than the Cost of a Cup of Coffee – Autostraddle

  20. 1. no, just message her and go out for coffee, or a popsicle.
    2. alternative style cuts can still frame
    3. be yourself
    4. call/text/email, discuss best friend stuff
    5. depends what country. there are plenty of small towns in europe.
    6. who cares what she thinks. just do your thing.
    7. some do sometimes. depends whose house you go to.
    9. thank him for being such an awesome friend.
    10. they probably won’t be watching bill on fox news while you are hanging out meeting each other. people have different political and social views, it’s normal. deal with it.
    11. no, but you should trust her more,unless you think she can’t be trusted.
    12. tell her tight bras can permanently displace your underlying fat and leave you lumpy in weird places. it’s true. i saw it on oprah.
    13. why do you care what other people think.
    14. idk, what do you think?
    15. hug her and take her out. or have a sleep over.
    16. let it play out with her and that other girl, but stay friends. she seems to know what she wants, that’s why she told you.
    17. she’s shy and playing hard to get. make a move.
    19. ask him/her what you do that gives that impression.
    20. b/c some girls are intimidated by your sign off, “fist you later!”
    21. I’m not interested.
    24. because they are eye candy.
    26. keep it low key until you can be financially independent. if you do stuff, don’t rub in it their face and let them know about it.

  21. 15. I am dating that girl. You’d be surprised how physically attracted you are to her after you start making out a lot. Our kisses began without any sexual attraction and now (we are dating) I want to bone all the time. Trust yourself and how you feel about who she is. My advice is to have a few beers and kiss her. After that happens a few times, figure out what the hell is going on.

    • I agree with Saramaile. She totally becomes much more physically attractive once you get your hands on her. GO FOR IT.

      In a weird turn of events, my girl 15 turned into question 14. She totally played me… or I didn’t take enough initiative. Oh memories.

  22. #18. Books. omg this is only my life quest. For a list of all the queer-related books I’ve read, go here:
    and a short list of books to recommend:

    1. Annie on my Mind (Nancy Garden). Two girls in high school fall in love. One of the best books in the world. I’ve read it like a thousand times. It’s so easy to identify with.
    2. Tipping the Velvet (Sarah Waters) Victorian! Crossdressing! Sex! (& a great book in general)
    3. The Night Watch (Sarah Waters) amazing WWII era novel
    4. Stone Butch Blues (Leslie Feinberg). I’m femme and I loved it. Fascinating novel & moving history lesson on what it was like to be gay before & after Stonewall.
    5. Landing (Emma Donoghue) very enjoyable long-distance love story
    6. Written on the Body (Jeanette Winterson) narrator, whose gender is never specified, tells stories of many affairs with women
    7. Am I Blue? Coming out from the silence (edited by Marion Dane Bauer). every single story in this book is really good. great authors.
    8. The Well of Loneliness (Radclyffe Hall). depressing, self-loathing, but if you’re in that kind of mood it *is* a classic
    9. Empress of the World (Sara Ryan) fun YA coming out story about a girl who goes to camp to take an archaeology class

    These ones are books about ladies – I have some about gay men on my full list, and I’ve been really interested in literature about gay men lately, so if anyone has any to recommend in that department as well (especially on femme gays), that would be awesome.

    • AAH how’d I forget Am I Blue? COSIGNED, this book is wonderful, they had it in my library in New Zealand a very long way from anywhere else, I don’t even know if it’s still in print but it’s really fab.

      re: gay men: I read Alan Hollinghurst’s The Line of Beauty recently and couldn’t put it down, even though at the end my feelings were mixed, it’s really wonderfully written. I haven’t read his other stuff but I hope to soon. I see by your list you read David Levithan so I assume you’ll work your way around to Boy Meets Boy in time but Geography Club by Brent Hartinger is also really enjoyable. Will Grayson, will grayson (Levithan & John Green) has been widely acclaimed for good reason. The Uncle’s Story by Witi Ihimaera, I don’t know how widely it’s available overseas, but I really enjoyed it for talking about the queer identity in relationship to the Māori identity, family, modern and historical New Zealand.

      re: gay men by straight-to-my-knowledge authors: Michael Chabon’s The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay really is kind of amazing. Diane Duane’s Tale of the Five series has a LOT of queer sexuality in a fantasy context (♥). Also I’m reading Hallucinating Foucault by Patricia Duncker right now, it’s pretty great (she may be gay? I get that implication reading her academic biblio, but maybe she’s just friendly). I really loved The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. And I just read a book called Gifted by Patrick O’Brien which is historical fiction about a couple of really famous New Zealand writers, Frank Sargeson and Janet Frame. (Sargeson was gay.)

      • Wait. This is awesome. Some of the books you mentioned are on my to-read list (Levithan, Hartinger, Chabon…) but I’ve never even heard of most of them. :) I’m also excited to see fantasy in there because I was just thinking that it would be nice to read some lesbian/queer fantasy novels.

        Thanks for all the recommendations! I see we are both on WordPress, so I might subscribe to your blog in hopes of learning about books more in the future – I’m pretty obsessed with this continuous search for books.

        • ahaha, I sneakily subscribed to you (google reader so no notification) earlier today because your blog title was a Flight of the Conchords + Books joke and that made me weak at the knees! Your taste is pretty fabulous.

          Fantasy is such a conservative genre that there isn’t really as much queer stuff out there as there should be, it’s increasing though! I have high hopes for the future of the genre. Some of the ones I mentioned you maybe didn’t hear of because they’re not very well-known outside New Zealand, but hopefully you’ll be able to find them anyway? Fingers crossed!

    • This is heavy-duty on the silly, but Mercedes Lackey’s Last Herald Mage trilogy is pretty much the first time that a gay male character got to be the hero in a fantasy epic. It’s hella melodramatic and very much high fantasy, but 11 year old me wanted to be Vanyel when I grew up SO BAD.

      The Vows and Honor duology that also takes place in the same universe isn’t so much on the hoyay, but it does have some really amazingly well-rounded female characters for a series of books that was written in the early-mid 1980’s.

      • uhhh. . .yes. 11 year old me felt the exact same way about Vanyel, though I rarely admit to a Mercedes Lackey past. . .

  23. Q: I’m a straight girl, who I guess you could definitely say is “bi-curious”. Do you have any suggestions on how I could explore being “bi-curious”? How I could meet gay girls without freaking them out or something? It seems impossible.

    Ok, I am as gay as gay can get. But if you put me in a room full of lesbians, I would pick up the one straight one. I don’t know why but they prefer me and I prefer them. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment or maybe I just like girls. Either way, I am Savannah’s resident straight girl expert and here’s my take on taking the plunge.
    There are rules for straight girls:
    1) You can’t turn them
    2) They don’t want to talk about it
    3) They will, at some point, suffer from SGFO (straight girl freak out: this occurs when a straight girl wakes up, looks left, and realizes she is next to another girl) At the time of the SGFO, Straight Girl will either A) stop talking to you B) Sleep with a dude C) Ignore you for a few days and then come back with a vengeance. So beware that this will happen to you once, maybe twice maybe forever. It’s part of the game. Straight girls are trouble from day one, but it’s the kind of trouble that makes you wanna stick around.

    You might be bi-curious, but you need to let your lez know what she’s signing up for. You need to know if you just wanna bang a girl, date a girl or just see what’s up before you go gettin’ your gay on. Because while I have no problem being a lesbian for hire, some of us do. And just know that she and all her friends are going to be talking about it.

  24. 1. you need to talk to her! i switched my profile and people thought i was kidding because apparently girls do this..and finally took me seriously when there was a pic of my ex and i joke. always tell the person, even discreetly, because they might feel the same way.
    3. That is ridiculous; there are plenty of other ways to show your devotion than changing your dietary habits.
    6. Let go and stop allowing other people to determine what you do and don’t do. If going to that reunion will make you happy, go. If not, don’t, but don’t let her impending presence be a deciding factor. If she’s got issues, they’re all her and by you letting her affect you, you are giving her needless control of your life..high school reunion? sounds like it’s been a while, so why should she be living rent free in your head? hate to sound like a self help book but seriously – her intentions may be bad but they should only reflect on her, not you too.
    15. been there, physical attraction is really important, sadly.
    20. oh my goodness. i feel you..only i don’t like boys..and knowing that..they still approach me, because we live in an extremely heteronormative society and men immediately assume they’ll win out over women – and also..some people just don’t “look gay” apparently i’m one of those people..its a tough plight.

    26: Wait, but make sure you are as pro-active about securing a life for yourself as humanly possible and develop a sturdy support network outside of your parents, if you don’t already have one.


    1. Depends on your situation. Are you living with your family right now and are afraid they might kick you out? Then no. Are you living on your own and trying to work up the guts to tell them eventually? Then I’d do it (although I’d probably have the conversation first). Cost-benefit analysis, I think.

    2. Some dudes have long hair and still look dudely. Just sayin’. Or you could try and find dudes who have your face shape and see what flatters them?

    3. If you’re doing it for yourself, then yes.

    4. I’d call just to try and figure out what the hell is going on. If you get lots of no answers, then I’d say there’s your answer.

    5. I love what I’ve seen of Eastern Europe – I’ve been to Prague and Krakow and while they’re both fairly big cities, they don’t feel it! Also, Eastern Europe is super cheap. Or maybe Provence?

    6. Go. Ignore the ex. She probably just wants to get a rise out of you, so don’t give it to her. Talk to your awesome friends instead.

    7. It’s sometimes a thing. Depends on the house.

    8. Meet gay girls as friends or to fuck? Both get basically the same answer – be honest (maybe use the term “questioning” instead of “bi-curious” because it can be a bit of a trigger point for some) and be yourself. And look at that one post I’m too lazy to chase down about how to meet lesbians.

    9. Probably yes.

    10. I’d do it, but don’t expect too much on their part. I have similar grandparents. We don’t really talk much anymore.

    11. It’s human nature, so don’t beat yourself up. It might not be a bad idea to examine why you feel jealous, though.

    12. I don’t know, if you figure it out please let me know.

    13. Fuck what other people think. For serious. Be who you are and they will know that you’re gay by the fact that you’re marrying another girl.

    14. This question confuses and frightens me.

    15. Physical attraction is important, but you have to decide where it fits in your list of priorities. Keep in mind she’s not the only nice and funny girl out there.

    16. If she wanted to be exclusive with you, she would have been going to the other girl with this.

    17. TALK TO HER. Maybe even say “so-and-so said you wanted to hang out?” Sometimes what can look like disinterested in aloof is actually scared shitless…

    18. I mostly read science fiction, so. If you want to expand your horizons, I recommend Ursula Le Guin’s The Left Hand of Darkness. Intersexed aliens! Whee!

    19. If you ask him/her why, would he/she give you a straight answer? ‘Cause that might be a good place to start.

    20. Depends on context.

    21. “Hey, I’m not interested. But do you want to play video games?”

    22. It doesn’t go away really, but you learn to live with it.

    23. No clue. Although my partner did take a sign language class in high school…

    24. Because Ilene Chaiken hates us. Answers both questions.

    25. The human brain isn’t really wired for monogamy. There will always be times when your brain goes “OOOH SHINY.” But that doesn’t mean you have to act on it, unless you’re both up for a poly relationship or whatever.

    26. Shit, man, that is terrible. I’d stick it out until you’re eighteen, save up your pennies, and GET THE FUCK OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

    • Am I the only person who didn’t like “The Left Hand of Darkness”? There were some interesting ideas, I guess, but mainly I couldn’t get into the story and just found it boring.

      But people should definitely read more science fiction and/or fantasy

      • See, I like it because of the things that some people find boring – all the academic-style reports back! Love! But then I’m strange…

  26. #23
    YES! yes yes yes i didn’t even know this was a thing and then i was in an asl class and everyone was a lesbian and i suddenly felt awkward and judged on my hands. they are nice hands.

    also, the teacher was an amazing deaf het man who taught us all sorts of alternative families and lifestyles signs. it made me feel amazing, until i had to practice and sign about my gf… and was corrected by a classmate. NOPE I MEANT GIRLFRIEND.

  27. 18. Tripping to Somewhere: Queer girls run away to find a home, sneak into punk shows in Atlanta, and become mythical creatures for a while. Obviously, it’s based on my life circa 2005.

  28. 19. Q: background: i graduated hs this year. i’m going to college & living at home, while working a min. wage job. situation: a coworker said i’m scornful & arrogant. i didn’t know i come off this way. i don’t want to come off this way. help?

    Ohhhh this happened to me. I was too shy to ask why. I think that some peoples’ nature is naturally a little buried. Don’t force yourself to change, it will just get confusing. Just do your best to be yourself. You will find friends who see you for you and mirror you back to you. The more you see you, the better you get at communicating that to people. The only thing this takes is time, but it will happen. I PROMISE. In the mean time, just smile.

  29. 5 – Croatia. There’s a gorgeous little town on the coast called Umag. Nice night life, beautiful oceans…
    And Italy is just a short boat ride away, as well.

  30. 5) A lot of good places in France… Reims if you like Champagne & a really cool cathedral… Cote d’Azur (Nice, Cannes, and Monaco) to enjoy some beaches, French culture, shopping, and maybe some gambling… Strasbourg is a small cosmopolitan city (I studied here!) with EU stuff & other cool history

    Belgium… Bruges is small. And just like “In Bruges,” it is like a fairy tale. Very cold in Jan but adorable.

    Netherlands… although Amsterdam is a fairly big city, it has a small town feel in certain parts.

    Germany… Cologne has a sweet cathedral and more shopping.

    Greece… if you go in the off-season, check out Santorini (island). it’s super cheap then and there are very few tourists. in March, a decent amount of places are open without the crowds.

    England… Bath. Roman baths and a quaint little English town.

    If you like to eat & drink & walk, all these cities are for you.

  31. 15. I’m always the on the receiving end of this problem… if she’s anything like me we’re used to it by now and are fine being just friends. again.

    18. Jeanette Winterson. Also yes Ursula Le Guin, although I didn’t like the Left Hand of Darkness that much, I do like… pretty much everything else she’s written, especially the Lathe of Heaven. Also everyone should actually read The Princess Bride cause it’s so freaking hilarious and there is a Zoo of Death. How could a movie leave out a Zoo of Death I dunno but there you have it.

    • “Also everyone should actually read The Princess Bride cause it’s so freaking hilarious and there is a Zoo of Death.”

      +1. Why do AS readers have such good taste?

  32. 1. No, unless you are trying to come out to your family. Your brother and your mom have probably Facebook stalked you already, and high school friends gossip.
    If you want the queer girl to know, “Like” some gayish stuff, put some gayish interests in your profile, she will pick up on it especially if the “Interested in” section is blank.
    Alternatively, come out to your mom and brother, it can’t be that bad! Then you can make your Facebook profile super gay.

    3. That is super clingy, what are you thinking? Especially if you just started dating.
    This is the kind of thing you should do if you are getting married to her and she has a religious belief or comes to you crying because she can’t live without you but she can’t live with you if you persist in being cruel to bees by eating honey. Be your own person.

    4. CALL HER.

    5. Croatia

    8. See if any couples you know want to have a FFM threesome. Watch some queer porn. Fantasize. See where these things take you first.
    Gay girls and bisexual girls aren’t usually looking to help straight people explore being “bi-curious”; we want to date people who are into US, not into the idea of trying us on for curiosity’s sake. The exception is if you are as hot as Anna Torv. So, try that threesome thing. Craigslist.

    9. It’s quite possible he’s in love with you and you’re going to break his heart but it’s not your fault. But he could also be just a nice guy.
    Be gentle with him. Help him find a nice sweet straight girl who will appreciate his romantic gestures.

    10. Even if they like Bill-O, I’m sure they like you more! They’ve known you since you were a tiny little baby. It could take them time to come around, but don’t write them off just because they’re conservative-leaning. They could easily hate liberals and love you and your girl.
    I suggest having dinner together in a restaurant. Neutral territory and they can’t be jerks in public without embarrassing themselves.

    11. You should talk to her about feeling a bit insecure because she is so lovable and a natural counsellor that she becomes a magnet for people who need extra TLC. But try not to make it sound like you’re blaming your girlfriend or saying she’s encouraging it.
    Maybe volunteer to help out the next time someone has a crisis. If you get to know the people with drama, it’s possible that you can set them up with each other and then they will not try to date your girlfriend, for a few weeks anyways.

    12. Positive reinforcement! “I think your boobs have gotten a little bigger, they’re so amazing.”
    Also, take her bra shopping, grab three sizes and say her boobs look hottest in the one that looks like it fits best. The answer to this one is complimenting and playing with her boobs a lot and buying her lingerie. You have the best problem ever.

    12. Fedoras. Remember when everyone was all, “Ooh, is Lindsay Lohan dating a woman?” We knew because she was wearing fedoras all the time.

    15. You already know the answer to this. Stay friends with her but don’t date her, it will end in disaster.

    17. Talk to her of course! Take her to see a movie with subtitles.

    22. You’re gay and that’s awesome! Everyone is different in their own way, and they have to “come out” about it, too: we all spend our lives telling people, even strangers who we are. We may have to come out as nerds, as health food fanatics, as gamers, as people who dream of being a stay at home mom, as Type As, as nomads… So you like girls. That’s a part of who you are, don’t be ashamed because fewer people are gay than straight. In life, the norm is difference, not conformity. Even in sexual orientation. Have you seen some of the guys straight girls date? It can be pretty baffling… dating girls is really not very strange at all!
    PS: Talk to a therapist or find a coming out support group. I think it will help you to work through this in person.

    Just stop thinking about it, get a hobby, get a dog or something, stay away. In a few months, you’ll wonder what you were thinking. It is crushing now but you will get over it.

    26. Tell them it’s a phase. Tell them you’re over it and you like the boys. Blame Katy Perry or something. While you’re at it, if they’re willing to pay for a therapist, go for it. But make sure you pick the therapist and it’s not some ex-gay counsellor, but a legit therapist who is ethical and understanding of LGBTQ patients.
    Do what you have to do to keep a roof over your head right now.

  33. 1. In my experience, no one looks at that anyway… so go ahead.

    2. You can definitely get hairstyles that are both alternative and a bit genderqueer but still frame your face, have a look online at places like ‘’ so you can give your hairdresser a photo.

    3. Veganism should be something you decide because it’s what you believe in, not because of a girlfriend or other such influences- only make that switch if you really want to.

    4. Call her. You need to work out how she is feeling about the situation, so you can maybe work out exactly what your relationship is. It’s likely you’ll find it awkward, but power through. Then again if she flat-out refuses to talk to you, give her space.

    5. What time are you going there? I was there this time of year last year in time for the Nuremburg Christmas Market inside the walled Old Nuremberg town, which is tiny and adorable despite being within a larger city (which I never visited except the airport).

    6. Go, don’t let exes control when you can have fun!

    7. I’m a New Zealander, and a lot of people wear shoes inside here. It differs from house to house here, and I think in the US too.

    8. Gay girls are everywhere… read for info on tracking down the lezzies!

    9. Just make sure you aren’t leading him on. Mention girls you have the hots for or exes in conversation. Keep the idea fresh in his mind all the time.

    10. Explain to them first, calmly and slowly. Don’t just bring your girlfriend round all at once!

    11. Jealousy happens to the best of us. The trick is to notice when you’re feeling jealous and not to act on it. It’s not bad if you’re jealous, but acting possessive is.

    12. Take her shopping for some very sexy lingerie where a store assistant will fit it on her. Also, tell her you love her breasts.

    13. Don’t bother. Wear what you want to wear and people who know you will know your sexual orientation, if they know you at all.

    14. It just wasn’t fated to be.

    15. Hang out with her! Even if your relationship never develops into love, you’ll have a great lesbian bromance on your hands.

    16. It’s possible that she just thinks of you as something to pass the time. Wait for her. If you guys have a future, she’ll come back and will be glad you respected her wishes.

    17. Definitely talk to her! Get in there, girl :D

    18. Jonathan Safran Foer. Do you have Penguin Classics in America? Get into them :)

    19. Be a little introspective. Think about times when you have appeared that way, and consider alternative ways of behaving. Also- you might not be, he may just have caught you on a few bad days!

    20. You possibly seem fairly feminine and girls don’t realise you’re into them. Keep trying, keep flirting :)

    21. Next time she’s taking it too far, call her out on it and tell her. Sometimes the direct way is the best, you don’t want to lead her on and break her heart.

    22. It get better.

    23. I don’t know about it. But I do know the word for Lesbian in sign language.

    24. It steals your soullll.

    25.Are you still with the woman you love?? Stay with her. You have no future with the straight girl. It’s a crisis that often seems to happen a few years into a serious relationship, because people are frightened of monogamy.

    26. Wait until you have somewhere else to live before coming out to your parents. You might be going off to college soon, or moving away, and you can be free to be your own woman then. It’s just sad that some people aren’t very accepting even when they should love us unconditionally. Bide your time, and reach out to your sisters on Autostraddle when it gets tough :D

  34. 1 – You don’t need to out yourself! You can get the point across just as easily by adding Tegan and Sara, feminism, and Kristen Stewart to your interests. Your mom will be none the wiser and any queer girl, outed or otherwise, will make the correct assumption. It’s a win/win.

    2 – Mention a-lines or inverted bobs to your hairdresser and ask if they think it would suit you. You’d still have length in the front and as little as you want in the back.

    4 – Call her!

    7 – I’m not American, but the Americans I know don’t do this!

    9 – He might be interested in you, but you’ve been clear about your sexuality, so it’s on him to realize that and act accordingly. Thank him for being a great friend and stress the “friend” part.

    11 – Not a bad person, just… a person. Seriously, it’s totally normal to feel like that. It might be a good idea to talk about it with your girlfriend, just so she knows (but like Li said above, make sure to keep from sounding like you’re blaming her).

    12 – If she’s really, really set on sticking to the same size, you might not be able to change her mind. (But if she’s worried it will mean she’s fat – getting properly measured and moving up a band size just led to me being so much more ridiculously comfortable that I was loads more confident without even trying or thinking about it, and I didn’t have weird bulges from the too-tight band making me self-conscious.)

    14 – Without getting any background I have no idea what to tell you, except that you can’t put the full blame on someone else for the two of you not ending up together when you didn’t take the initiative either.

    15 – Enjoy having an awesome friend!

    17 – If you both have Facebook, send her a message and mention that your mutual friend mentioned she might want to hang sometime. (You could always mention it in real life, but I know that when I have a ginormous crush I am not always the smoothest person, so trying to say things like ‘Hey, want to hang out sometime?’ sometimes comes out like ‘HANGING OUT! LET’S DO THAT SOMETIME!’)

    21 – Tell her you’re not interested.

    26 – Stay quiet about it for now. Scout out friends or family who seem to be queer-positive so you have some allies (and, in a worst case scenario, a couch to sleep on). If you can, save up as much as you can and work towards becoming financially independent. It sounds like you’ve got a long road ahead of you, but it will get better and it’ll be so rewarding in the long-term. (And good luck!)

  35. In response to the haircut question–

    My face is so round, I am basically 90% face from the shoulders up. Six months ago I got a pre-bowl cut Sara Quin type cut and I have never been happier. I think the key is to keep the bangs longer and kinda angular, and you can do whatevs you want with the back. legit.

  36. #6 — You need to go. I had pretty much this exact situation with a social event last week, and my fucked-up ex did show up unexpectedly so I made for the bathroom, freaked out, and was going to leave until my gf talked me into staying because I could just stay up the other end of the room with her and my other friends. She made the good point that why the fuck should I let that asshole decide where I spend my time/ruin my evening?

    I had one of the BEST NIGHTS EVER, which led into one of the BEST WEEKENDS EVER, which we all enjoyed so much we are doing similar things tomorrow/forever and my life is better now. Plus my ex ended up leaving about halfway through because she was bored/doesn’t like to see me happy/wasn’t getting all the attention so it was win-win-mf win.

    #15 — I like the advice that has been given so far, of getting into making out and such and seeing if that flips the switch for you, BUT: if it doesn’t, or if it doesn’t much, you need to back away. Being a bit attracted to her is not going to do it for anything more than a few weeks or months. It is the worst thing in the world to be going with someone you really like but just…don’t want to do once that initial spark has faded, and it will be really really shit for her. So use your judgement, but basically, don’t go out with someone you aren’t attracted to. That is not a good idea.

    #19 — Well, you need to ask yourself, do you speak/act in a scornful or arrogant way? Or if it’s just one co-worker, maybe the problem is him/her. Some people cannot handle someone who is different, maybe this person assumes anyone who’s going to college looks down on other minumum wage employees, maybe you’re just confident and sure of yourself because jesus christ does that freak some people out.

    I would say, reflect, see if this comment is earned. If you have people on the staff you’re closer to ask them if that’s true/if that’s something a lot of people think/is that an interpersonal skills thing you might need to work on. If it is you need to fix that. But really it might just be someone trying to kick your legs out from under you because you’re trying to climb. People can be like that.

    #22 — I can only speak for me, but yes it does go away. I realised I might be gay when I was about 13 and freaked out about everything possible for about a decade, then when I was for propers coming out I freaked out about what you’re talking about, and now I just don’t anymore. As you get older you get more choice over who you hang out with, and you can judge situations better so you can tell when it’s going to be okay to come out at work versus when it’s not, that sort of thing. I go into all situations now with the assumption that I will come out sooner or later, and I usually just wait a few weeks and then stick “my gf” or “my ex-gf” into conversation and problem solved. It isn’t a thing I ever worry about any more, and god knows I love to worry.

  37. 12.
    Q: My girlfriend is wearing the wrong size bra, but she refuses to get measured or get a different one because she thinks getting a bigger size means she is fat and her mother won’t like it (although she is 20) . How do I get her to wear something that fits?

    Buy the size you think is right, with matching bottoms – make it a nice pair!(if you’re not sure what size she SHOULD be wearing, take a current bra of hers into the shop and ask one of the ladies to help you out). Cut the size tags off. Ask her to try it in for you. If she says no, put on the puppy-dog eyes and guilt-trip her into it. Once she’s got it on, ask her if it fits ok and if it’s comfortable. When she says yes, hand over the size tags.

    Alternatively, you could tell her that lots of good sex will make your boobs bigger (something to do with hormones), and that obviously you’re doing something right because she needs a new bra.

  38. Right, there’s actually a question here I have a good informative answer for that isn’t just rude and offensive.


    Just cruise around, visit small towns, drink local wines, stop at the sea and have a swim, like, whenever. It’s great.

    • I second this. This is the best thing to do, possibly ever. And if you get bored of Provence (which won’t happen) Spain is just over the border and you can do the same there.

      Read up on the history of the area before you go so you can feel how many centuries you’re driving through. It’s pretty great.

      • Marseille has a bit of a small town feel to it to; especially in the old port area. If you rent a car to drive around Provence, I recommend Marseilles.

  39. #5 – small towns in Europe:

    Nice in France is beautiful with lovely beaches and is surrounded by gorgeous little beach towns like Villefranche-sur-Mer and Antibes.

    Hallstatt, Austria: amazing little town on a lake in the mountains.

    Switzerland: up into the mountains from Interlaken are amazing little villages like Gimmelwald and Murren perched in the Alps. (One of my favourite place on earth.) You can curl up and enjoy the scenery, take gondolas up the mountains, do lots of hikes and outdoor sporty things.

    Absolutely visit Brugge/Bruges. It is inexpensive because it’s the whole town is a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and it’s amazing!

    Highly highly recommend Rick Steves guidebooks for small, off-the-beaten-path places in Europe (he’s cheesy, but he knows what he’s talking about).

    Happy travels :-)

  40. #2: There are tons of short haircuts that you can make work for me. It doesn’t have to be super-butchy and short, like a crew or something. I have a round face, and a shorter cut, but it’s a bit shaggy, so it frames my face well.

    #9: Scary! Not ok! That’s taking the friendship too far. You need to tell him that you just feel uncomfortable with all the attention.

  41. 2. i am also blessed with cute little chipmunk cheeks. what you need are long sideburns and pretty layers that fall over your face. it doesn’t have to be a buzz, although you could do that if you want. do whatever with the back/sides/top. but around your face make sure it’s a little longer.

    7. i’ve only read about shoes in books

    9. yes. yes you should

    12. find an article that talks about how you look 10 pounds lighter with the correct bra. maybe one that illustrates back-rolls, or maybe before and after pictures. ask her to help you figure out if you’re wearing the right size, consulting the article. or maybe leave the article up. tell her you love your boobs. because, you know, you do.

    13. floppy hats. fedoras. messenger bags, in funky/floral fabrics. pretty shoes that are still flat. i want a pair of oxfords, you know? or maybe some cowboy boots? but with a dress. because you’re a girl. leggings. i wear a lot of leggings. sometimes i wear boy clothes, but then i put on a polka dotted watch and red shoes and mascara. idk. you could do those things, or not.

    15. be her best friend.

    16. sit down with her maybe and say you really like her and want to sniff her hair while she sleeps. that’s what i would do. is that weird? i don’t think so

    22. it probably does but it hasn’t happened to me yet

  42. #5- You should totally stuff me in your backpack. As in where you should go? Ask the locals. Europeans are so nice, they’ll help you out. Just make sure you don’t get the creepers. That would be my luck.

    #7- Yeah, it’s kind of a thing, but don’t worry it’s just one of those generational phases to piss off the older generation. It’ll pass.

    #9- I would normally say no in my case, avoid him until he backs off, but that’s the awkward part of me that doesn’t want to deal with hurting feelings. However, the other me (the one you should listen to) says you need to talk to him.

    #10- Seeing how my father is probably as old as your grandparents, and he watching Glenn Beck faithfully. It’s almost like he goes to church when it’s on. Anyways, I’d say tell them when the segment of DADT is on. That way, the subject is up, and you can be like, “Oh, hey guys I’m gay.” Then proceed to watching the news.

    #13- You should do a lot of PDA.

    #16- Fight! Fight! Fight! I’m throwing my money down on you.

    #23- Whatever Cho does, is a thing. The best thing that is.

    #24- You can’t stop watching because Chaiken is actually an alien, and probed all the lesbians and those curious ones to the point where it’s becoming a cult.

    #25- Turn her just like Tegan and Sara have turned so many others.

    #26- You shouldn’t come out then. According to Tegan and Sara, who can do no wrong, and is always right, you shouldn’t do anything if it’s going to hurt you. Wait until you go to college or finish college to come out to him. As for your stepmom, make her watch But I’m a Cheerleader.

  43. Well I answered what I had answers for.
    1. You could just switch and deal with people knowing and finding out and outing you on facebook, of you could send the cute queer girl flirty messages and just take it one on one. That’s what I would do, anyways.
    2. I identify as butch too, and I cut all my hair off and surprisingly, so many girls though my chubby cheeks were cute. And hey, I’m not ashamed to use chubby cheeks as a reason to flirt. You can always get an alternative lifestyle haircut that DOES frame your face. I mean, you don’t have to shave one side of your head, just cut the back short, leave some length at the VERY back like a little mullet thingie and leave yourself some bangs. BY NO MEANS am I saying get a mullet. You shouldn’t cut the top. But there are options for us chubby girls, trust.
    3. My girlfriend went vegan and I decided that I liked meat and we’ve been dating for 3 years. But I mean, if she’s vegan she’s going to see it as a lifestyle, and she’ll totally think it’s too soon if you jump. Maybe, slowly ease into it? That’s what I would do.
    7. I wear shoes inside unless I’m going to bed, I’m from California, USA.
    8. So, I’m sorry and I know this is not an answer, but PLEASE for the sake of us lesbians who seem to have a problem with attracting “bi-curious” girls and falling in love with them only to find out they are clueless AND not really gay, please find another bi-curious girl to test things out with. Please.
    12. Oh gosh, so is mine and it drives me up the wall. My remedy? Do everything I can to make sure that she’s never wearing it. ;)
    24. I only recently realized how terrible it really was. But its addicting, because of Alice. She’s funny and cute and that’s enough.

  44. 13. Why hold hands when you can hold asses? If you aren’t able to get the point across that way… at least you’re having fun trying.

  45. 1) Just take off the “interested in.” Don’t check anything. This is a commonly known symbol to lesbians. It’s the equivalent of the bat signal.

    2) Go to a barber or hairdresser and ask what he/she thinks would be a good androgynous look.

    3) Eating vegan when with her might be respectful (especially if you’re kissing her afterwards). But you don’t need to go full vegan if you don’t want to. Do what makes you happy (and healthiest), even if that means you eat an egg every now and again.

    4) Call. It’s way worse to regret something you didn’t do than to regret something you did.

    7) Only sometimes

    8) Just be up front with people you are interested in. As long as you are honest, it should be alright.

    9) If you still think he’s pulling the moves, spell out your gayness for him. Boys can be a little thick sometimes. Otherwise, you just have a really awesome friend. Bro it up.

    11) It doesn’t make you a bad person. Just know that she keeps coming back to you.

    12) Tell her it is really a matter of health. Also, go to a place with pretty bras that will make both of you happy.

    13) Make out.

    14) ?

    15) You, my friend, have a wonderful new gay biffle.

    16) If you really like her, fight for her, but recognize that you might lose the battle.

    17) Talk to her directly. Tell her you want to make rainbows together.

    18) Stone Butch Blues, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, The Symposium

    21) If she hasn’t made a clear move, don’t worry so much. She might just be comfortable enough with you to show this side of herself. If she makes a clear move or something you are legitimately uncomfortable with, tell her directly.

    22) It’ll be okay. You will find a place where you have people who are like you.

    24) Two words: guilty pleasure.

  46. 13.
    Q: My fiancee and I are really feminine. Like dancing to Ke$ha (albeit ironically) in lacy underwear feminine. But then when we go out together holding hands people don’t think we’re a couple which just fucking annoys me. How do I lez up without butching up?

    does it annoy you because like people try to ask you out? or her out? or what?
    does it annoy your lady? like…what’s the real reason?

    does it annoy you cuz you personally want to “lez up” more?

    remember: people are stupid. they will always assume shit and they will always try to minimize who you are and who you love.

    also, just by being two women people are going to think you’re “just close girlfriends who giggle at slumber parties” and whatnot.

    that being said: i’ve at time felt torn between butchiness and femmy-ness. so i do, wear and act however i feel that day and if anyone has a problem with it, i know its their prob and not mine.
    be fluid. be yourself. make out. wear hats. get henna tattoos. but just be genuine. no one else’s opinion should make you alter the way you are in your relationship. f*ck everyone else. if you wanna walk around with a t-shirt that says “I’m a HUGE DYKE and so is MY LOVER the chick standing next to me, see us holding hands?!” then go for it.

    otherwise be yourself and ignore everyone else. every single one of us defines lesbian, queer etc for ourselves. so do you and be proud.

  47. 2. Depending on how masculine-presenting you want to be, you could also look around for rounder-faced guys who have a look you like and copy their hair, if none of the ALHs you see on women are to your taste.

    3. I think it is sort of weird to change your diet *for* someone. If you’ve been wanting to go vegan for a while and now she’s here to provide inspiration, go for it — but probably don’t present it as “I love you so much that I am becoming a vegan for you!”

    8. You are probably going to have bad luck if you’re only willing to mess around with gay girls, rather than with bicurious ladies like yourself. And why would you limit yourself in that way? I know from my one-time experience posting an personals ad on Craigslist (had a boyfriend and id’ed as bi at the time, was very clear about this and about what I wanted in my ad) that there are TONS of women out there in your position who want the same things as you. The internet is good because you can be very explicit about these things with minimal awkwardness.

    9. Sometimes people are just nice. He knows you’re gay, and if he is doing anything under the theory that maybe you’re not gay, it is *his* fault.

    15. Well, don’t date her if you don’t want to sleep with her. There is a name for awesome people in your life whom you really like but aren’t attracted to: friends.

    16. It seems like she’s made the decision for you already. She wants to be with this other girl to the exclusion of anyone else, including you. I think the best thing you can do is to say “Hey, so you know, I really wanna keep seeing you, and if you change your mind, call me.” And don’t hang out with her until she does, it’ll make you miserable.

    19. Girl, I feel your pain, having been on the receiving end of similar comments from people who Have No Business making them all my life. I think your coworker sounds like an asshole. Women who are seen as insufficiently smiley and effusive and deferential are constantly chastised for being “arrogant” or “cold.” Is that what’s going on with you, maybe? Do you have friends? If you do, you’re probably in good shape anyway, but maybe ask them if you really are being a jerk to people, just to make sure. I doubt it, though.

    25. She’s straight, right? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF PURSUING HER. There, that part’s solved. But how about your current partner? Are you really still in love with her? If not, you should leave, and it’ll be hard and awful but it will stop being that way sooner than you may think. But don’t leave her for the straight girl.

  48. 10.
    Q: I have a partner, she is nice/AMAZINGFANTASTICAL, we have been together for 3 years-ish and live together. I want her to meet my grandparents. My grandparents like to watch Bill O’asshat on fox news. Dilemma. Advice?

    A: My grandpa is always watching Fox News. Literally. I had to move in with him about a year ago because my mom had to move up North because of jobs. My mom took it upon herself to tell my grandpa of my orientation a couple days after I moved in. I just found that last part out. All this time he hasn’t mentioned a word about it…even when he walked in on me and my girlfriend being intimate (although the next day he apologized for “interrupting”…yeah awkward). I don’t know who your grandparents are but my grandpa is from Spokane, says the N word at black people on t.v. and hates any kind of counter-culture.
    But with all that said I didn’t give him enough credit by telling him myself because I was too scared. I shouldn’t have let my scared feelings freak me out.
    Now…he tells my mom how much he hates my girlfriend but that’s because she’s a jew, not because she has a vagina.
    So, I suggest introducing them…because grandparents can be quite surprising when they know how much you love them.

  49. To questioner number 5, traveller-around-Europe: if you’ve time, visit the Highlands of Scotland; I particularly know the Isle of Arran and the area around Loch Lomond, but there’s lots of amazing countryside with a lot of history all over.

  50. #1. If you go into your privacy settings, you can control who sees your “interested in” setting. People who are an active part of my life (family, friends, college classmates) can see it. People whose business it isn’t (people I went to high school with who aren’t friends, distant relatives, conservative family friends) can’t see it. It’s a good idea to start fucking with your Facebook privacy settings anyway and learn how they work.

    To me, the bigger issue sounds like that you’re not out to a lot of important people AND you want to date other girls. That’s an issue. It depends, of course, on how close you are to family – I know that if I had a girlfriend I would need to tell my family, and hiding it from them would require tons of energy. That’s not the case with everyone. But you might want to think about it. You’ve seen how in TV shows, people get really mad when they get the sense that their boyfriend/girlfriend is “hiding” them from their friends or other important people? That’s why people often don’t want to date people who are not out. It’s also going to be much easier on your parents – and your girlfriend – for you to come out to them BEFORE you’re attached.

  51. 10. My grandma doesnt have a thought in her head that her over-christian husband/ Rush Limbaugh didn’t give her. My plan is as follows:

    “hello Grandma/Grandpa, this is my roomate/close friend. In these economic times, it’s nice to split rent with someone.” (notice, none of these things is a lie and if they figure it out, so be it, but probably they won’t, and you dont really have to feel bad about it. Most likely they will like your friend and her charming/adorable-ness.)

  52. #5:
    Hallstatt, Austria
    Gmunden, Austria (I used to live here!)
    Cesky Krumlov(sp?), Czech Rep
    Provence, France
    Monaco (but if it’s a race day & you’re not at the race, it’s a ghost town & nothing’s open!)
    Bruges, Belgium

    I’ve probably forgotten some, but I feel like all small towns in Europe are special snowflakes in their own right.

  53. 10. I have a “partner”. She is nice/AMAZINGFANTASTICAL. We have been together 15 years. She has met my grandparents. My grandparents like to watch Bill O. We’ve watched Bill O with them with his book sitting, annoyingly, on the coffee table.

    It took awhile, but they ask about her on the phone. She’s invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas type family functions. General interest is shown. My advice is act like it’s a normal thing cause it is. If you had a boyfrined that you lived with, wouldn’t HE have met them by now. It’ll be awkward for sure, but, with time, they will realize how amazingfantastical she is to their granddaughter and that will be all that matters.

  54. #18. Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block. Or really anything she’s written. Also The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky- it’s about a straight boy, but FUCK IT IS LIKE MY FAVOURITE TEEN BOOK EVER. As far as feminist YA fantasy goes, try Tamora Pierce’s Song of the Lioness series. The protagonist trains to become a knight disguised as a boy,

    • I second The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It’s one of my favorite books ever. It’s offbeat and could possibly be argued to be queer.

      • I read this in high school and loved it. Then a few weeks later I found this book while helping to clean out the room of a good (gay) friend who committed suicide with his mother. I kept it even though he had rented it from the library and I read it again, but I haven’t been able to read it since and that was over six years ago.

        Great book.

        • #18. Not sure if anyone has said it, but Fall On Your Knees byy Ann-Marie MacDonald. I don’t care how you label yourself, if you don’t love/bawl like a baby reading this book, you have no soul.

  55. #14: “Did I fall in love with a player or was it my fault we never dated cause i didn’t take the initiative and go for it?”

    Hey girl I don’t know what your situation is but I’ve been asking myself a similar question. At this point, there’s really no point beating myself up about what I should and shouldn’t have done. I’m working on accepting my mistakes and being okay with learning from them… asking questions like what works for me? What kind of relationships do I want to have? What are my needs and how can I clearly and respectfully communicate them?

    I’m also working on letting go, which is hard without any closure. Did I dodge a bullet? Did I fail to pursue something that could have been awesome and fun and really growth-promoting? I’ll never know! Time to move on and find new questions to ask.

    Hope that helps- sending you lots of love and good vibes.

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