Five Perfect Holiday Gifts for the 8,000 Spiders Who Raised You in That Damp Cave

It’s almost the holidays, and you know what that means: it’s time to find the perfect gift with which to thank the 8,000 spiders who raised you in that damp cave for their hard work and sacrifice over the years! Check out the list below so you don’t have to phone it in again this year by getting your 8,000 mothers another handful of flies!

A scarf

One pashmina scarf will provide ample shelter for many of the 8,000 brave, feminist spiders who raised you in the sunless cave where they found your infant body. Hope you’re prepared for all of your grateful parents to wrap their 64,000 legs around you in a full-body hug!

A charm for a Pandora bracelet

It can be hard to find something that all 8,000 of your arachnid parents can agree on, but even the pickiest resident of Spider Cave will love the elegance and simplicity of a Pandora charm bracelet. Try finding a charm commemorating something that all of them have in common, such as using their eight legs to walk and run, having chelicerae with fangs that are able to inject venom, or loving to shop!


If there’s anything your spider mothers love more than praying to the hundreds of gods that comprise their complex polytheistic religion, it’s smelling good! A nice bottle of perfume says “your 8,000 writhing bodies deserve to smell like something other than cave water and egg sacs, and I appreciate that you raised me as one of your own instead of eating my baby bones with your spider teeth”!


Yeah, we know that every gift guide has bones on it, but it’s a classic for a reason! Your 8,000 spider mothers need as many bones as possible. It’s an easy and cheap gift for the thousands of eight-legged heroes who raised you to become the person you are today. Maybe one day they’ll even tell you what they do with the bones!

Not a jigsaw puzzle

We’ve all heard the screams of 8,000 frustrated spiders echoing endlessly throughout a damp cave as they fruitlessly try to assemble a jigsaw puzzle. This year, learn from your past mistakes and don’t buy your spider family any kind of puzzle, jigsaw or otherwise.

There it is – the perfect holiday gift guide for the 8,000 spiders who raised you in that damp cave! Now go forth and find some bones!

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Allie Rubin

Allie is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. She has written for such publications as Reductress, the Hairpin, and the Women's Review of Books. Like all cool people, Allie loves the thrill of buying a good scented candle. You can follow her on Twitter, but it's 90% bad puns.

Allie has written 13 articles for us.


  1. I will only need 7,643 scarves, as the other 357 spiders were cold and distant and we don’t speak anymore

  2. I created this account only to say THIS IS THE MOST PERFECT THING I’VE READ EVER. Bye I’m never coming back JK I will thank you for this.

  3. I had to double check to see if Erin was back, by which I mean bra-fucking-vo for making me laugh at 7:30 on this Friday the 13th morning.

    Might I suggest as an addition, a large wave of radioactive energy so that the spiders can create 8000 new superheros to help us fight the coming apocalypse?

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