The day has finally arrived: Person of Interest‘s fifth season will premiere on this very night, and at some point in this final run of episodes, before Sarah Shahi bounces off to become Nancy Drew, Root and Shaw are going to rip each other’s tank tops off and smoosh their mouths into each other! We’ll be writing about it, of course. I don’t know exactly how yet because I want to see how it unfolds. Also tonight, Amy and Karma are going to kiss (again, for the billionth time) on Faking It, although I can’t believe it’s going to be anything more than a dream sequence because I can’t believe anything this show tells me anymore. Several of you have written and tweeted to tell us The Catch introduced a bisexual character for the purpose of murdering her, and Saints & Sinners offed a queer woman too. Riese has updated The List to reflect the new death toll, which is 155. (What a year!)
Here’s what else is going on with lesbian and bisexual TV.
Isn’t it weird how Arrow only allows lesbian Nyssa back onto the show so straight people can beg her to bring their loved ones back from the dead with the Lazarus Pit? That’s what happened on Thursday night. River Song arrived to attend Laurel’s funeral, not too put out about the whole thing, to be honest, because look at John Snow, okay? And like how many times has Captain America been murdered? But Lance tells her dead means dead this time. They already resurrected two women on this show, and that’s more than most other shows achieve in twenty years. Lance didn’t believe it ten minutes before he said it, but trusty Nyssa and her cold assassin logic told him the truth. When Lance didn’t believe her because she’s a woman, Nyssa had Oliver tell Lance. And then he believed it, and then he told it to River Song. Maybe Nyssa will go time-hopping and tell Sara herself, so she can comfort her. Maybe River Song will lend her Time Lord prowess.
Excuse the heck out of me! Did Orphan Black say the word “lesbian” out loud this week in reference to Cosima? Indeed they did, my friends. When Sarah reveals that she has the Neolutionist worm in her cheek, Alison springs into action and tells Donnie to run on out to Home Depot to buy a jackhammer so they can dig up Leekie and offer his (truly, horrifically, disgustingly, barfingly) decaying corpse to Cosima for research. Donnie suggests that maybe they don’t have to tell Cosima about Leekie, maybe Cosima will just let the cheek worm go. But no! “She’s a lesbian and a scientist, she’s not going to let it go!” Nothing is quite as delightful as Donnie and Alison explaining to Cosima over Skype that they manslaughtered Leakie and please come pick up his gross bones. Cosima’s face! “You killed Aldous Leekie?!”
Okay, never mind. Helena is always as delightful as every other hijink. Posing with Husband Donnie as Alison when some detectives come to call because they’re investigating the triple homicide from the drug warehouse last season: It looks like Helena is out of her element, but nope. She rattles off the names of everyone who worked on Alison’s campaign, and could probably also give their geographic coordinates and social security numbers if the detectives pressed her. Then she goes back to eating Doritos and talking on the phone to Sarah about how she’s having twins.
Sarah’s own child isn’t doing really well. She’s staring into space and blanking out and knocking over tabletop RPGs and like whispering the future of impending fire. Keira is a seer, basically, is what I am saying, but her doom and gloom isn’t cushioned in whimsy like Professor Trelawney. It’s just creepy.
Sarah doesn’t get the Neoworm out of her face, but she does find a dentist that exploded a lot of faces messing around with the Neoworms. Thank the heavens Rachel sneaked a message out of the bunker where her mom’s holding her hostage so Ferdinand would go seeking Ms. S so she could send him to slit the throat of the hygienist who is menacing Sarah. This part is confusing, in large part because of the words “Topside” and “Helsinki” and I honestly just cannot remember how any of those things align or intersect. I’m not dumb about TV, but I just need Neolution to be the bad guy for a while! Also, because of straight white gay face blindness. I had to look up Ferdinand’s name.
Rachel is in the bunker and her mom reveals to her the little tiny Leda is her real life sister. She was cloned directly from Rachel’s DNA. It’s the biggest mistake anyone on this show has ever made. When Rachel sees Charlotte cough up blood later, like Cosima, like so many dead clones before, her eyes go Dark Magic, and you know in your heart she’s going to solve the whole entire goddamn thing and then watch her mother burn alive in a fire.
Keira and Rachel have a lot in common.
Our dears Pippy and TMI enjoyed a little screen time on last week’s Rosewood. Pippy’s been hanging out with her old pal Cassy, the girl (now woman) she lived with on the streets when Mama Vee kicked her out for being gay. Pippy’s got inside jokes with Cassy, and a history with Cassy, and they’re going out at night and drinking and reminiscing and TMI’s feeling a little left out. She tries to tag along, but gets hungover, and anyway, she doesn’t really know a lot of the stories these two share, so it’s not very much fun anyway. So she decides to form her own relationship with Cassy! She brings her wine and tries to do impromptu karaoke with her! Cassy finally confesses to Pippy that she showed up to break up her and TMI, but ten minutes alone with that girl convinced her that TMI is one of a kind and that Pippy chose the right partner. Aww!
Oh, hey, and I found Luisa! She was on last week’s episode. (Not gay.) Go back to Jane the Virgin, girl! I miss you like crazy!
Let us assemble on Friday to talk about Callie and Arizona’s impending queer doom!