Hello and welcome to your recap of Batwoman episode 306 aka The One Where the Writing Team Had Zero Regard for Our Feelings or Heart Rates. I think I’m going to start referring to these as “levels” instead of episodes, because I swear, every single person involved with this show, from the cast to the crew, levels up every damn week.
We open on a girls pickup basketball game in the park, and I’m immediately reminded how much I miss playing. Unexpected feelings punch for the win! One of the girls runs to get their errant ball, but is distracted by strange goo seeping out of a barn. She clearly has never seen an episode of Wynonna Earp (all seasons currently streaming on Netflix *thumbs up*), because she walks directly into the barn and said goo, and discovers a man trapped in honey and screaming for help. Now, I only have one complaint in this whole episode and it’s right here at the top. Homegirl stepped into an unknown substance with fresh kicks are you kidding?!?!?! I’m pretty sure I heard my entire sneaker collection scream in that moment.
GCPD arrives and removes the victim from his sticky prison, as Montoya (hey girl!) storms in and claims the scene as her own. She immediately instructs them to take the vic to Mary before warning them they’re going to need all hands on deck for this one.
At Montoya’s City Hall office, the detective briefs Alice and a flannel-clad Ryan on the situation, and lays out her theory that whoever did this probably weaponized the natural surroundings. Hmm, weaponizing nature, you say? Sounds like a Poison Pam M.O. to me! Sounds that way to Alice too, because she’s doing a less than great job of hiding her “I know something you don’t know” face from Ryan. The two expertly trade barbs (you see what I mean about leveling up?!) before Alice leaves to check on Mary and the vic.
Down in the Batcave, Ryan sees that the artist formerly known as “Crowphie” has made herself quite at home with some takeout wontons and a front row seat to Gotham’s CCTV footage (Sophie’s Version). Sophie’s been trying to track down Black Glove on her own, because if Ryan had any information on Jada’s involvement, surely she would have told her instead of hiding it. Ryan’s pause before telling Sophie that she doesn’t believe Jada to be a monster, broke my heart a little; her internal struggle is all over her face.
Neither budge on their feelings about Jada though, with Sophie reminding Ryan that her sister suffered at the hands of Ryan’s mother. And Ryan doesn’t deny Jada’s involvement, she just asks Sophie to trust her to share all of the information as soon as she can.
Understandably, Sophie is upset. She’s spent week after week watching Ryan tear herself up over getting this woman’s approval. She has reassured Ryan that it’s Jada’s loss if she decides to have nothing to do with her daughter. And now, Ryan is standing in front of her, seemingly taking Jada’s side over hers.
Trust is one of the most vulnerable and scary parts of any relationship, and these two are still trying to figure it out. This conflict makes so much sense for Wildmoore right now, and while I hate to watch moms fight, this is classic angst and my little shipper heart is thrilled.
At the clinic, Mary evaluates the victim while Alice has herself a little honey taste test. According to both Kehlani and Halsey, honey is queer so, infer what you will. This feels like a good time for our weekly, “RACHEL SKARSTEN, HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD?!” yell session, because my word, the comedic timing on this one is unmatched.
Alice accuses Mary of being responsible for this attack, but Mary turns around and accuses Alice of having delusions again and gaslighting Mary. What’s it called when you gaslight someone by accusing them of gaslighting you? Whatever, there is gas-ception happening here as Alice runs down all of Mary’s obviously plant-like symptoms. Alice doesn’t need to do much more convincing though, because as soon as the vic wakes up and sees Mary, he screams and identifies her as the one who attacked him.
Down in the Batcave, Mary calls a team meeting to come out as straight… and also as Poison Ivy. Only on this show does someone need to clarify (somewhat apologetically, I might add) that they’re not gay.
Instead of listening to their friend, Ryan and Luke find every excuse in the book to explain why Mary is always thirsty and has accumulated more plants than two queers moving in together. At least until Luke searches the vic’s phone and sees that his last three texts were, in fact, to Mary. Ryan gets a call from Montoya and decides to mute it, which definitely won’t come back to bite her. Alice calls them out on wanting to protect Mary at all costs, but being hella quick to send herself back to Arkham at a moment’s notice. Speaking of protecting Mary, she decides to handcuff herself to the desk until they can figure out how to help her.
At City Hall, Sophie goes to see Montoya, and the tension between these two?! I wasn’t looking for it on first watch, but the scene at the end of the episode honestly feels like a natural conclusion after rewatching these two go at it. What’s their history?! Give us the Alice-narrated backstory!!
Sophie’s here to blackmail Renee for data on the freeze serum by threatening to walk away from Alice babysitting duty. No Alice means no Batman trophies. Montoya suggests just asking Batwoman for help, but Sophie informs her that they’re not exactly on the same page at the moment. Y’all, THE SIGNS WERE RIGHT THERE! These writers, they be crafty. Before Soph leaves, Renee warns her about getting involved with Black Glove.
Back in the Batcave, the team learns that Mary met the victim on a dating site called Twinge (lol), and he apparently hit her with the “you’re sweet” which is I guess the worst hetero compliment one could receive. In response to that rejection, Poison Mary decided play up the “sweet” theme and suffocate him with honey. Alice is impressed and also kind of aroused by this?? Look, every person on this show has chemistry with everyone else, so I did forget Mary and Alice were step-sisters when I screamed about Alice wanting to date Poison Ivy Mary. However, as a friend lovingly pointed out, they met late in life, plus Barry and Iris were practically raised together so I’m gonna go ahead and keep shipping this deliciously evil duo, whatever partnership they have.
As Alice continues her onslaught of practically perfect one-liners, Luke pulls up literal receipts showing that Honey Man may not have been Poison Mary’s only victim. Dear sweet Mary is absolutely distraught over the idea that she may have hurt someone else.
Ryan and Alice arrive at the scene of Poison Mary’s potential second attack, and Ryan starts to blame Alice for not saying anything about Mary. But Alice reads Ryan for filth for not noticing that her own roommate has been acting off for ages. Sorry Ry Ry, I’m Team Alice on this one. The two find the Black Glove hat guy who kidnapped Jordan buried in the ground, another victim of Poison Mary’s wrath.
In the Batcave, the team works through how Mary managed to track down Black Glove when Sophie hasn’t been able to. Turns out, Poison Mary isn’t a big fan of medical ethics, and used Dr. Hamilton’s credentials to game the system. Alice is so proud that her “steppy” is one step closer to Harley Quinn level tactics. Honestly y’all, every time someone remembers that Harley is a genius with a literal PhD, an angel gets their wings (cut off, probably).
Alice suggests that someone tells Sophie that they have her sister’s kidnapper in custody, but Ryan, in full Protec Mode, refuses to involve her.
As Mary starts to figure out that the ivy pheromones allow her to communicate with nature and heighten what she’s passionate about (justice!), Alice suggests they find out what triggers Poison Mary. And then… Montoya shows up at Wayne Tower.