Angelina Jolie “Switches Teams,” Apparently Was On A “Team”: What Does This Mean For You?

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We’ve heard whispers of it for weeks, but at last, it’s been confirmed: sources allegedly close to the actress have told Radar Online that in the wake of her divorce from professional handsome person Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie is officially sick of men and “switching teams.”

The former “wild child” and mother of approximately 31 children has until now been very open with the press about her bisexuality, which one might think allowed for her attraction to people of multiple genders. But as Radar explains, this current predilection towards women actually stems entirely from a very deliberate, conscious choice on Jolie’s choice to forgo men in favor of women and therefore become a lesbian because of Brad Pitt, which is how bisexuality always works according to the media.

"I've had quite enough of THIS, thank you very much." (Image via Getty Images)

“I’ve had quite enough of THIS, thank you very much.” (Image via Getty Images)

But Angelina, you might say, to what team are you switching? Isn’t gender a social construct? Isn’t sexuality a fluid spectrum rather than strictly binary? Didn’t you just file for divorce like two months ago? Aren’t people free to be attracted to whoever they’re attracted to without it being worthy of a front page over at Us Weekly? “No,” Angelina will reply as she stretches her limbs in an oversized easy chair in the corner of your living room. “These things are very black and white. I used to be gay and then I was straight and now that I’m divorcing the man I was straight with, I’ve decided that I’m gay again.” You shrug and offer her a La Croix.

Now that Angelina is a lesbian again, she’s been very busy communicating with her ex-girlfriend, fellow lesbian Jenny Shimizu. Shimizu and Jolie dated approximately one billion years ago and Jenny Shimizu is currently married to Michelle Harper, but when a woman up and decides to be a lesbian (again), little details like this hardly matter. Everyone’s gotta drop what they’re doing and play their part.

Jolie and Shimizu, hanging out pretty recently I guess.

Jolie and Shimizu, hanging out pretty recently I guess.

When pressed for comment, straight married lady Jennifer Aniston asked Vapid Fluff HQ, “Who’s pregnant and alone NOW?!?!” and then hung up the telephone.

As for you, does this mean you’re about to start dating Angelina Jolie? If you play your cards right, maybe. Hope you’re into romantic international flights on private jets with dozens of rich, sulky teenagers glaring at you while you hold hands with their mom.

Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 430 articles for us.

79 Comments

  1. I mean I’m pre-drinking before going out tonite so my reading comprehension may be low on this article, but for me the take-home message was, why date men when you can date women? INDEED, ANGELA. INDEED.

  2. I’m not really sure if this article is poking fun at the “sources allegedly close to the actress” or Angelina herself (who, as far as I can tell, has not actually publicly said anything on the subject), but I do have to say: as a bisexual woman who has made the conscious decision to prioritize my attraction to women–for a variety of reasons–this article really rubbed me the wrong way. It is completely valid for a bisexual-identified person to choose to center a specific gender in their lives, while still experiencing attraction to multiple genders. This is by no means the Absolute Definition of bisexuality, but I do have a problem with dismissing the idea as inherently ridiculous.

    • Thank you– I felt similarly about this! As mentioned, Angelina has been open about being bi, so I’m a bit puzzled by the references to her having been “straight” or “lesbian” at different points in time. Is there any evidence that Angelina has been referring to herself as “straight” or “lesbian” or are those labels other people are using for her? It’s totally possible for someone to be bi and choose either temporarily or permanently to only be open to dating and/or hooking-up with people of certain gender(s).

      Also, if she how she identifies or how she experiences attraction have changed over time we should recognize that as completely alright!

    • Oh good it’s not just me. I’ve spent the last couple of hours wondering exactly what the aim of the sarcasm in this article is, and trying to figure out why exactly it bothers me. I feel like what you’ve just said is a big part of it.

    • Thank you. I was about to comment the exact same thing. Why is everyone being so condescending and dismissive of this very personal decision? She’s not a joke she’s a person, and if she doesn’t want to have relationships with men anymore then why is that a bad thing? Just because she’s bisexual she needs to make herself available to everyone? She can’t create boundaries for herself in her relationships based on what she’s comfortable with? I’m not down with any aspect of this article. I’m really surprised it was published tbh.

      • We’re not mocking Angie, we’re mocking the mainstream media’s bi erasure-y 2 teams only nonsense.

        Some of the staff are bi-ish and have made the decision to exclusively seek woman identified-ish partners.

  3. Bring it. Love to have a shot at it myself. Im an Aries and Tiger…meow. Very compatible with her Gemini Rabbit. If you believe in that, I do. Numerology suggest 93-97% compatibly on birthdate, mine is 04/14/74. See for yourself. [Insert Donna Summers Love To Love You Baby]
    To whomever she chooses to move on with her life with, I hope she finds love and passion and that feeling of being alive inside again. Someone who would bring what she lacks and encourages her strengths within and vice versa. A real friend to her. No hidden agenda for career goals here, can’t really help her politically , hope she’s into that. Someone who stands up for her and to her when necessary, done in love of course. Someone who makes her laugh hard (good medicine for the soul). Someone who can balance her and compliment her.
    Non celebrity here but have talents to entertain just the same. Life would never be boring!!
    It would be nice for a change to travel and see for myself the wonders and beauties this world has to see. Pics in mags are great but to breath same air they were taken…helps you appreciate the opportunity to witness it.
    Kids are a true blessing from God, they should be treated as such, always. Understanding and knowledgeable of commitments to serve. I have a servants heart too and Id like to help out. I never run out of ideas. I don’t give a rats behind of her past because it isn’t defining of today. If it is,…ya know sometimes the hardest person to love needs love most. I understand this in myself as well. I get it. I totally volunteer for this experience if she’s willing to give a non celebrity with personality plus a chance.

  4. “Hope you’re into romantic international flights on private jets with dozens of rich, sulky teenagers glaring at you while you hold hands with their mom.”

    Small price to pay, man. I wouldn’t say Angelina Jolie made me gay, but like, she definitely cleared things up for me.

  5. Yeah.I will date Angie. Our names together would sound so great “Deangelina” – she’s my ultimate dream Goddess.I love Angie – Yeah I’m going to ask Angie out on date. Wish me well ?

  6. Hahahaahahaa this article made my day!!

    But also….this means there is now about a 0.005% chance of my fantasy of being “rescued” by Lara Croft happening….I’m off to find some 4-leaf clovers and up my chances

  7. OK, this may be a very unpopular opinion but…I never really understood why Angelina Jolie was considered terribly attractive. Don’t get me wrong, I like her a lot. I think she’s brilliant and an absolutely legit actress, even if some of her movies have been less than great. I would be thrilled to sit down and have a beer/intellectual conversation with her (yeah I actually have this fantasy about a lot of celebrities I admire, shut up). So I like Angie bunches. I just don’t get how she’s considered this sex goddess. Those lips, man. I, personally, find her funny-looking. I think she’s great for every reason OTHER than her appearance, basically.

    Now, someone earlier in the thread mentioned another notorious bisexual, Anna Paquin. THAT beauty? You sign me right the hell up. You hear me, Anna? I know we’re both married but can we have that beer and that convo while I gaze upon you in a completely not-at-all-awkward-or-creepy way? Call me, girl.

    • I think it’s because she radiates mischief, but if we’re talking physical features she’s got feline sorta look. The elements of her face are cat like and lean.
      But yeah that’s not everyone’s taste I think what makes someone really hot is their…for lack of a better word, presence and Angie has that in spades.

    • Well, I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so its an each to their own type of thing. I can respect that, and do.
      Maybe its because Im into poochy lips, that I find her lips amazing. I want to see them move and hear what she says. Teach me something new.
      Ya know I mean great genes throughout DNA doesn’t hurt. Her heart and concern for the less fortunate, being a voice in a public forum for all those who’s cry is many but somehow still gets unheard of. That makes her beautiful to want to bring change and awareness to the world that knows there’s an issue…but who can change it? She’s been blessed with the audience and public forum to make it known. To me that’s true beauty.

  8. Thank you, Stef, for this piece of greatness. As a bi person, it means a lot to know that this website mocks biphobia rather than buying into it (as even lesbian websites have a tendency to do).

  9. I heard from a gay director who was in Hollywood for a documentary, and mingling with the stars, that Brad Pitt is gay. Not really a surprise, but this guy confirmed it. So this might have been a lavender marriage, or a bi/bi marriage.

  10. “Hope you’re into romantic international flights on private jets with dozens of rich, sulky teenagers glaring at you while you hold hands with their mom”
    Hahaha! My fav thing I’ve read today ?

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