Welcome to the second recap of the third season of And Just Like That…., the critically reviled spin-off of Sex in the City, a show about a dating columnist in New York City who breaks up with her politician boyfriend because he wants to pee on her during sex even though she probably deserved to get peed on for not being registered to vote.

This week on And Just Like That…, we are lamenting cellular telephones in some regard, rats are invading the garden of Carrie’s charming Tribeca mansion, Seema is trying on a string of pearls and Anthony is showing off a door handle that looks like a loaf of bread. Let’s get to it!

We open in a bar, where Carrie’s having a drink with Lisette, who tells Carrie she’s lucky to have met Aidan before cell phones existed, because she’s on her phone every day scrolling away and feeling insane. Carrie misses an opportunity to address the fact that she was the last resident on the isle of Manhattan besides my ex-boyfriend Jeremiah to own a cellphone. Then Lisette throws her phone at a man and gives Carrie a giant necklace.

I mean, basically, I choose to be exceptional every singe day. It is literally a choice. I wake up and I’m like, I don’t know what it’s like just to choose to be average. I don’t fuck with average people.

After musing lightly over what it would’ve been like to live in Carrie’s new home when it was built in the 1800s,  Carrie takes her laptop into her back garden to start her new career as a historical novelist, inhabiting the voice of the petticoat-clad 1846 woman who’s ghost likely haunts her dreams.

As I sat with my quill in hand, gazing wistfully at my garden, I couldn’t help but wonder — was the Great Famine in Ireland truly more severe than the great famine I felt in my heart?

Then a squirrel’s innocent passage into a bush unleashes a storm of rats who scurry from every nook and cranny, gathering in volume and might. Carrie screams. (I am reminded of the episode of SATC where a mouse crawls across Carrie in her bed, a scene I wish I could permanently wipe from my memory.) Safe in the upper echelons of her home, Carrie begins to compose but hesitates to send Aidan a text about this development, lest she interrupt his apparent 24/7 focus on his son’s well-being. If Aidan cannot manage even a casual texting level relationship with Carrie while dealing with family issues for an indefinite period of time that could possibly be “five years,” then they are doomed sorry!

At Miranda’s Human Rights Watch office, the Humans are not, as advertised, Watching Rights! Instead, they are watching Gay Wrongs. Specifically, Bi Bingo, a reality dating show. Initially, Miranda scoffs at this lowbrow indulgence while aggressively pumping her tea bag into her mug but then finds herself against her best intentions sucked in when “Autumn, 23” appears on the screen.

“Wait, who’s that?” Miranda asks, leaning in more closely to the tiny monitor. Maybe she was Brady’s night nurse.

Wait Fletcher is singing about…. a boy?

Back at Carrie’s Mansion, the men who came to kill the rats also chop down every tree and flower in her yard, and then to add insult to injury, she gets an Aidan jump-scare in her very own closet!

JUST TOSS A JUNIOR MINT INTO MY MOUTH JUST DO IT

Aidan felt bad about not being able to have phone sex the other night. If there’s an evening of phone sex Aidan should feel bad about, it’s not that one, but okay. Now that Aidan’s in town, Carrie timidly asks if she’s permitted to text him more regularly. He admits he was a bit overzealous about his initial no-contact orders, and encourages her to reach out as necessary.

You know, if you’re concerned about your family, you don’t have to move to Virginia, you can just take my Virgin-ity

Mere hours or days later, we find Miranda fighting the Battle of Bunker Hill with her sustainably-packaged salad, C-Span on her Big Screen and nothing less than Bi Bingo on her small screen.

BUT I PAID FOR THE WNBA LEAGUE PASS WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T WATCH MY LOCAL GAME

Meanwhile, Carrie’s standing in her closet with her kitten, lusting after a table that looks like AI took a square from the “pick all the squares that show a crosswalk” human verification system, slapped it atop a black rectangle, and then slapped both of those items atop an upside-down weather vane. She messages Aidan about her passion for the table and dream of purchasing it for their shared home. His response? A thumbs-down emoji. But like, on it’s own line?

yike

Carrie shares this inadequate communication technique to her dear friends, Miranda and Seema, as they are all out to dinner.

Girl, that table is ugly

A watiress arrives with a full kitchen on a cart to artfully prepare some guacamole just as Miranda has managed to bring her favorite topic into the conversation: Bi Bingo.

Seema: Is that the one where they send the horny bisexuals to the Caribbean?
Miranda: Close! Hawaii. It’s so awful. I can feel my IQ dropping with every episode, I literally scream at the TV.
Waitress: Me too, it’s insane!

The waitress apologizes for inserting herself into the conversation but no need — Miranda is thrilled to be able to discuss Bi Bingo with another human being.

I haven’t felt this passionately about a television show since Carrie was dating Berger and I was obsessed with watching “Jules and Mimi” on my TiVo!!

Miranda nobody is paying you to say “TiVo” anymore

The waitress and Miranda agree that “Jamie,” a Bi Bingo cast member, has the worst taste in men and in women. Carrie notes that Miranda and the waitress have free will and don’t have to watch this show they both hate, but Miranda says actually she doesn’t have free will, she cannot look away, now that she has discovered “the joy of hate-watching.” It feels a little meta!

Seema’s back to her previous storyline of feeling jaded about the dating scene. She complains that she’s already gone out with every man in the city and we’re treated to a montage of Seema rejecting a series of inadequate men. Her inappropriate gay boss tells her it’s time to try something drastic — he’s setting her up with Sydney! 

TIP me over and pour me out

Wow, I had no idea the “My Little Teapot ” song was still a thing!

When Sydney arrives at the table, Seema apologizes that her boss was clearly mistaken to set them up because she’s not a lesbian, although her life would be “much easier if I was.” No worries, as her outfit suggests, Sydney is straight as well. Furthermore she is, in fact, a matchmaker.

Unfortunately, Sydney doesn’t appreciate Seema for who she is. Her advice to Seema is straight out of the 20th century — her best bet at finding her soulmate is to change her entire vibe and personality. Usually when a straight woman says their life would be easier if they were a lesbian, I roll my eyes and ask God to release me from these mortal coils, but in this case, I’m inclined to agree because Seema is Daddy and lesbians love that.

Seema’s not so sure about working with Sydney, but then she goes home and gazes at her empty bed and changes her mind, probs because the sheets are pulled so tight onto that bed it looks like they are painted on.

do you see what i mean

Charlotte and Lisa have spent the episode madly running around New York City in hot pursuit of Lois Fingerblast, a college admissions counselor who they fear may be giving their childrens’ classmates a leg up in the collegiate rat race. Get it? ‘Cause this episode is called “Rat Race.”

I can’t carry the entire galaxy in two hands? Who do I look like, Atlas?

Lois is played by Kristen Schall, which’s important to me ’cause once at brunch in Los Feliz I knocked an entire glass of ice water off my table and it broke and spilled everywhere and she was in the table next to my table so most of it landed on her and I felt very badly but JSYK she was very polite about it.

Look at my veneers!!

The duo manage to convince Lois to come to their home and Counsel their ambitious children, but after one mere hour with this alleged Prestigious University Wizard, Henry and LIly are inconsolable. Lois told them everything they’ve been doing so far is All Wrong and they are doomed.

She told me that I’d be better off skipping college altogether and taking the $350k you would’ve spent on Brown and investing it in Prospect Heights real estate!

How DARE she

Unfortunately Lois Fingerling Potatoes overhears Charlotte and Lisa calming their children by degrading the quality of her services, and she leaves the home in a huff, refusing to accept their gift of chocolate truffles. Forrest Gump would never!

Back at Miranda’s office, Joy from the BBC has flown all the way to America from the United Kingdom to witness the descent of fascism from a better vantage point. Miranda’s delighted to see Joy from the BBC and so am I, as last season ended with BBC Joy and Miranda enjoying banter at a bar while all her straight friends had sex and I think it’s time that BBC Joy and Miranda have sex while all of her straight friends shop for tables.

Hey, it’s Che Diaz

Never scare me like that again

Joy asks Miranda for a scintillating update on her personal life, and luckily Miranda’s got a rocket in her pocket ready to blast off:

Miranda: The other night, i took a nun’s virginity
Joy: [gets up, closes the door, sits back down] So what you’re saying is, you are the antichrist?
Miranda: Would an antichrist have an office this small?

Chemistry!

Seema arrives at her matchmaker date in pearls and pastels. A changed woman! This will definitely work.

Oh my, those flowers remind me of the garish bouquets nana left all over the parlor for father’s funeral

After listening to her date talk about himself for two hours and then being dealt the injustice of him confidently ordering them both tiramisu for dessert, Seema confesses that she’s not the good listener he thinks she is, she’s actually a confident hottie who’s bored as a gourd. Seema tells the matchmaker she’d rather die alone then continue to pursue this storyline! Girl power!!!!!!!

Carrie and Miranda are enjoying another nice dinner at the Same Restaurant From The Other Night but, once the waitress from last time swings by with her Guac Cart, Carrie suspects it’s not the sumptous fajitas that brought them back to the Same Restaurant From The Other Night — it’s Miranda, in hot pursuit of the Waitress.

I heard they put poison in the iced tea these days and it is SPICY

Carrie accuses Miranda of being her “guacamole beard,” which is a weird image for us all to sit with. Miranda admits she called ahead to ensure this server would be present.

“I can’t believe you’re bold enough to call a restaurant to stalk a waitress and I can’t even tell Aidan that I’m upset about a thumbs down,” Carrie bemoans. Me neither! They both should grow above their obsessions and graduate to the next level of maturity: acting on them. For example, Miranda is gonna ask the waitress on a date!

Come over to my place and you can put some of that guacamole on my soft taco

That’s the worst thing anybody has ever said to me

The two immediately descend into Bi Bingo banter, including a reference to a gross but hot on-air challenge, which Miranda cleverly parlays into a real-world ask:

Miranda: “You know who else is hot?”
Waitress: “Ashley from Oregon?”
Miranda: “I was gonna say you. Would you like to grab a drink some time?”
Waitress: “Oh, I’m flattered! But I’m straight, and married, with two kids.”
Miranda: “Oh, I assumed you were queer because of Bi Bingo, i guess.”
Waitress: “It’s a TV show. I watch the Walking Dead and I’m not a zombie.”

Girl you just said Ashley from Oregon was hot! Which is the fourth time you’ve refererrd to a female cast member being hot or being someone you have a crush on! That would be like if you watched The Walking Dead but also told your customers that you were, in fact, dead.

Anyhow once again it could be worse, she could be Carrie in the bathroom, obsessing over composing a text to Aidan. Eventually Carrie selects an eyeroll emoji, which is the correct response.

Carrie and Miranda stroll through the great outdoors, as Miranda bemoans her experience playing “dating bingo” with contestants like “straight waitress” and “nun.” Carrie says bingo is too random for Miranda and she needs someone who is “more Yahtzee.” I don’t know what that means but I agree.

When the poppers kick in

Miranda confesses that she feels some type of a way about Joy, but fears it may be inappropriate to ask out a work contact and risk the ongoing awkwardness of interaction should she get rejected or should the relationship fizzle, as opposed to asking out a waitress and never going to that restaurant again. Carrie points out that people meet through work all the time. Go for it, Miranda!

And finally… for all my Town & Country subscribers out there who were worried about Carrie’s naked garden, fear no more — she’s found a hottie on Instagram who designed Liv Tyler’s garden to infuse her dustbowl with life.

So I picked up the turkey from where he was standing in the middle of the road and I held him up to my face and I told him, “its okay, turkey, everything is gonna be okay.”

First he’s gotta ask her one thing he asks all his clients; “what is your ultimate vision for this garden?” I don’t know man, isn’t that your job? Anyhow, back to The Petticoat Novel!

Also there wasn’t a good time to say this, in part because I forgot the order of events in this episode, but Anthony found a brick-and-mortar locale for his bakery. So I’d like to leave you on this note:

👎

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