Q:
I am a femme bisexual/pansexual woman back out in the single world after a 4.5 year relationship with a bisexual cishet man. I’ve been wanting to date women for a while, and I have only been with one woman sexually before. Last week, I went on an ambiguous date/not date with a woman who caught my eye at work before I was out of my relationship. She’s hot, smart, funny, goofy, adventurous. We had been orbiting around each other and meaning to hang out because we have a lot of shared interests, and we finally made it happen. We ended up hanging out and talking for 6 hours, about everything from being late in life bisexuals to ways we were scared to die. It was magical. About halfway through our hang, she tells me she’s in a long-distance relationship with a woman. Her partner is her first relationship with a woman, so there is a lot of history there. However, she mentioned a couple of times on our ride how “it probably won’t work out” for a couple of big logistical reasons. She also talked about all the things we should do together, ostensibly as friends.
Since this hang, I’ve realized I am down bad for and crushing way too hard on this unavailable person. I guess my question is, should I distract myself by pursuing a queer hoe phase so I don’t fall too hard for someone who is not single? Do I tell this person how I feel because I don’t find genuine emotional connections/attraction like this very often? As a baby queer, do I pursue friendship with this person even though I very much want her mouth on my mouth and unfortunately could see myself wanting to U-Haul with her? Help me, Autostraddle, you’re my only hope.
A:
Welcome back to the dating pool. Glad you already found someone to join you in the deep end.
The (good?) news about your new flame is that if she’s telling you partway through your maybe-date that she’s not that connected to her partner anymore, she’s probably emotionally checked out of that relationship already. Unless she has a major case of not caging her thoughts, people don’t usually talk about how they’re not into their relationship with their not-dates on the first not-date. Plus, the overt discussion of ways you two could keep hanging out? That all signals some kind of interest from her side.
I won’t mark that as unambiguously good news because I kiiinda doubt what she’s doing with you is entirely above-board in the context of her current relationship. It could be borderline infidelity and you’d have no way to verify without getting in touch with her partner. So just be aware of the possibility that you might be seeing the kind of person who’s willing to entertain Infidelity Lite™ once they’re emotionally checked out of a relationship, even if that relationship hasn’t technically ended.
But okay, you get home and learn the love bug’s got you. What next?
I’d just follow your needs and morals. Easy for me to say, but I do think you have options.
For one, given how she’s already talking to you about her current partner, she may not be as unavailable as you think. But that may speak highly of her if it approaches cheating. Where do your beliefs stand on potentially igniting something with a person who’s okay with doing this? Do you have enough info about her current relationship to confirm your not-dates are okay? How would you feel if she checked out of your relationship after a while and her eyes began to drift?
The idea of a queer hoe phase sounds great. Especially if it gives you more opportunities to find your footing with other women. My questions to you are then: Do you feel the need for a queer hoe phase? Is your goal to explore your sexuality? Build sexual experience? Reboot your brain after a long-term relationship? If you’ve got a strong personal stake in it, I’d say go for it. However, it’s only something you should do if it benefits you. You needn’t buy into the marketing that any foray into dating after a long relationship must first involve a hoe phase. Do it for you.
The only thing in your list of questions I’d try to hold off on is telling her how you feel right now. It’s been one hangout. Your head is swimming in a lot of emotions. Her status is ambiguous. You’re fresh out of a big relationship. Your situation is already complex, and you’re already asking the internet for help (hi!). Disclosing your feelings and letting it all fall out will probably make things more complicated before it improves your life. I know the urge to tell people how I feel. I live the urge to tell people how I feel after a minimal number of dates. It is rarely beneficial to put that extra pressure on the connection when it’s just starting to form. So if you have the willpower to keep a lid on your feelings while you learn more about her, I suggest doing that.
There are also fourth options like winding down the contact you have with her and looking for escapades elsewhere. Like searching for the company of people who don’t make you want to write into an advice box. I know that when your eyes are set on someone and you feel The Spark, that seems absurd. But it is an option, and your life isn’t permanently tied to this person yet. It’s barely tied at all actually.
If she weren’t already in a relationship, the tone of my advice would have been to go forth and slake your baby queer thirst. But I can’t shake the feeling that her relationship status and how she deals with it will make things harder for you.
Thanks a lot for writing in. I think it was the right call and I hope the questions I’ve posed back at you give you insight into how you should approach your budding situationship <3
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
