Q:
I went through a really bad breakup earlier this year from someone who constantly made me feel bad about myself, lied to me, etc etc. I don’t need to get to into it because I’m processing it plenty in therapy and I know where I stand with her. Which is that we’re not on good terms! I would prefer to never see or speak with her again. She claims to want the same. We live in different parts of a pretty large city so this should be easy to do.
And yet. She keeps showing up at all my go-to places. In particular, she has been hanging out at my absolute favorite bar in town. It isn’t a queer bar technically but it’s mostly queer people who hang there. There are other queer spots to go to though. ((AND honestly I feel like I’M a big part of what turned it into such a queer place to begin with! I’m a longtime regular and I started bringing my friends there. They started bringing people, etc.)) I introduced my ex to it. She’d never set foot in it before. Now she’s showing up all the time and also seemingly bringing DATES there which bums me out. Not from jealousy clearly. Just from wanting to tell these women she’s on dates with to run even though I know it’s also none of my business.
I’m just so angry. Any decent person would let me have “custody” of the bar. When I see her there I end up leaving. It’s like I’m letting her win. I hate it! I want to ask her to just give me this one thing and stop coming to one of my favorite places in the world but I feel like that could backfire or like it also just isn’t who I am. Ultimatums and big demands are her bag not mine. Do I have to give up this place I love so much? That seems so unfair!
A:
You’re right, a lot of this seems unfair! I hate “losing places” in a breakup, though I can concede that a lot of the places I lost access to in my last big breakup belonged more to my ex than to me. I’ve never had to stop being a regular at a place I discovered first because of an ex. The exact situation you’ve described sounds like my personal nightmare! I get very attached to places! Especially de facto queer spaces!
Given where you’re at with your ex in terms of not wanting to speak or see each other, I don’t think this is going to be resolved by a conversation, especially if the relationship was as volatile as you describe. I respect your desire for firm boundaries with her. I also can’t fully know her motivations for continuing to go to this bar, but it’s possible she’s indeed courting drama and trying to get a rise out of you. So engaging could be exactly what she wants and also allow her to continue to have some sort of hold over you. I doubt she’d be surprised to learn how upset you are by her presence there. She knows it’s your spot, and she knows how you feel about her.
Unfortunately what this all comes down to is the fact that you can’t really change or control someone else’s behavior. But you can change or work towards changing your own behavior and in particular the way you react. There are certain situations where I’d say yeah you should just protect your peace by not going to the place your ex keeps showing up in. But in this instance, that indeed would be too big of a loss! You’re used to this place being a safe space for you, and even if you’re in a big city with plenty of other queer bars, this one is special to you, and having that sense of community and belonging somewhere is actually so important.
So, how can you get to a place where you get to keep going to this bar even if your ex shows up? One step may just be time. Maybe you do have to take a little bit of time off from going there. Not forever! Just for a little bit! While you’re still healing from the breakup, going to therapy, maybe talking about THIS in therapy. Time can help so much. Then you can try going back and see how you feel. You can also recruit your friends to help make it easier to navigate sharing the space with your ex. You could have a friend arrive a few minutes before you to give you a heads up about whether your ex is there or not so as not to be surprised by her presence. It’s not a perfect solution, sure, because your ex could always show up after you. But maybe you also have a friend sit facing the door to give you the heads up when that happens. Sometimes it can be easier to regulate our stress and reactions when we’re not totally blindsided. That little heads up from a friend is small but could make it so you have a second to check in with yourself before laying eyes on your ex.
It also seems possible to me that if you were to take a break from going or get to a place where you don’t have to immediately leave when your ex shows up then your ex might indeed stop showing up at the bar so much. She could be doing it all precisely for the reaction from you (or in hopes you’ll try to say something). If you stay but don’t engage, you take that away from her. I’m not sure how big the bar is, but are there different spaces in it? Like a patio or different rooms? Don’t stay if you feel like it causing you too much anxiety or anger, but if you can get to a place where you’re able to control some of your response to her presence, you might be able to take away some of her power here. Talk to your friends if you haven’t already. They can put themselves between you and your ex, distract you as needed, and remind you that there are still good people who love you in this space and she can’t change that.
I think you’ll get your bar back. I think it’ll just take time and for the wounds to feel less fresh. In the meantime, don’t feel bad for getting worked up about all this. A breakup is so disorienting and shattering on many levels, changing our contexts and associations with places. It sucks to feel like a place that used to provide you comfort is now a place of heightened emotions. You’re not letting her win; you’re trying to take care of yourself by removing yourself from a place when her presence makes you feel bad. It’s not wrong to leave when she shows up, but I do think it’s obviously hurting you to do so given how much you love this place. So if you can tip the scales a bit in order to be able to sit with some discomfort and quite literally reclaim your space, I do think that’ll also de-incentivize her to show up. If you were to stay, maybe she’d be the uncomfortable one.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
