I thought that by 35, I’d be married. I thought by 35, I’d have kids. I thought I’d be straight.

I asked her if I could have a human-sized cat cone, the one that makes it looks like your head is poking through a piece of toast. Sadly, I cannot — but I can get the brace I need in Tennessee Lady Vols orange, so at least I can support my favorite team while also making sure the top half of my body is the color of a construction cone so I don’t get hit by any cars.