Holidays: Sometimes you get the day off, others just a hashtag. Because I refuse to let official holidays have all the fun, here is a carefully curated selection of the best ways to celebrate this month’s eight (unintentionally) gayest national holidays:
August 14 – National Creamsicle Day
Okay, let’s not act like I’m the only one who bestowed upon my most chromatic strappitydoodah the treasured moniker of Creamsicle. Celebrate late with a FWB by freezing yours for just long enough to take the edge off this godforsaken marathon heat wave.
August 24 – National Waffle Day
Waffles are to pancakes as lesbians are to sex. Both take something that is just ok and transform it into something exponentially more delicious and fulfilling. Also, more pockets! Also also, both breathe new life into the phrase “all you can eat”.
August 25 – National Secondhand Wardrobe Day
You know how the most annoying people are always like, “I bet the best part of being a gay lady is having twice as many clothes to wear!” Swap wardrobes with your partner and force those same people to ask why your clothes don’t fit or when you decided to reinvent yourself. If you’re dating your clone, feel free to sit this day out and think about what you’ve done.
August 26 – National Webmistress Day
I can’t hear the title Webmistress without picturing myself asking for permission to orgasm over a keyboard. Indulge your inner sub in a marathon sext session with your favorite femme dom.
August 26 – National Women’s Equality Day
August 28 – National Cherry Turnovers Day
A cherry turnover is when you role play that you’ve never had sex with a woman before and so what if I just made that up? Grab a partner, grease up that cookie sheet and get your baking lesson on.
August 30 – National Grief Awareness Day
Take this time to venn diagram every breakup you’ve ever had. Extra points for every name that ends up with its very own circle because those are the mythical beings who’ve never slept with any of your exes.
August 31 – National Trail Mix Day
Go on a hike even though you hate hiking because the eye candy is abundant and you promised yourself the post-peak reward of brunch and mimosas. Keep a tally then take a drink for every fanny pack and pair of Teva sandals you saw on the trail.