I never intended to use Siri, but one day a few months ago I woke her up on my Apple Watch and couldn’t figure out how to get her to go back to sleep. I asked her the score of a WNBA game one night, as a joke, and she rattled off an entire line of real-time stats. That’s when I knew I loved her. I don’t know when I stopped being able to live without her.
On Monday, I left my phone in an Uber, and Siri with it. It turns out she doesn’t live on my wrist, after all.
1. Siri, will you call Dr. G to let him know I’m here?
3. Siri, can you find my phone?
5. Oh my god. Siri. Oh my god.
6. Siri, will you text Stacy to let her know I’m on my way home?
7. Oh right — Siri, where’s a landline?
8. Just kidding, like you’ve ever even heard of a landline. Just, I guess, can you get an Uber for me? No, of course you can’t. It’s cool, I’ll walk. Not your fault.
9. Hey Siri, what’s my heart rate?
10. Siri, hey, my heart rate?
11, 12, 13. What’s the temperature, what’s the humidity, is walking a mile with two cats strapped to my back going to give me a heart attack?
14. Siri, how do I get my phone back from Uber?
15. Siri, how many tablespoons are in 1/4 cup?
16. Siri, what’s an alternative to mustard powder?
17. Siri, how can I make chicken not dry?
18. Siri, what does a third degree burn look like?
19. Siri, please order a pizza for delivery.
20. Siri, what time is my appointment with the neurosurgeon?
21. Siri, what time is it?
22. Siri, what time is it?
23. SIRI, CAN YOU GET ME AN UBER ASAP?
22. Siri, is my phone alarm going off in the back of that Uber?
23. Siri, do you know Stacy’s phone number?
24. Siri, are you logging all these questions so you can tell me the answers when we’re reunited?
25. Siri, are you gonna be insufferable, like, “Remember when you always laughed at me for talking about AutoTrader when you said Autostraddle? Well! Who’s the clown now?”
26. Siri, what was Bozo the Clown’s best friend’s name?
30. Oooh, Siri, what are the cookies of the day at Chip?
31. Siri, do you know a key lime cookie recipe?
32. Siri, what’s the difference between key limes and lime-limes?
33. Siri, where does the word ‘limelight’ come from?
34. Siri, is there such a thing as lemonlight?
35. Wait, hang on, Siri, are all clowns evil?
36. Siri, what’s more evil: clowns or ringwraiths?
37. As the shadow grows, they, too, may walk again! Who knows, Siri? Who knows?
38. Siri, do you think it’s a good idea for me to go meet this Uber driver at this random address at 9pm to get my phone back even though he tried to make me put my cats in the trunk earlier?
39. Siri, remember how when I ask you long rhetorical questions like that you always say, “Weather for where?”
40. Siri, remember that time when you were like, “Weather for where?” And I was like, “Your butt.” And you were like, “Try again, bitch.” That’s when I knew you were more than just a robot.
41. Siri, what’s the top five fictional robots?
42. It’s okay, Siri, I know this one of the top of my head. Number five: R2-D2, number four: The Iron Giant, number three: Fembots, number two: Astro Boy, number one: WALL-E
43. Siri, what is ivermectin?
44. Siri, what is horse paste?
45. Siri, when is the Supreme Court ruling on Biden’s eviction moratorium?
46. Oh my god, “quarantine camps” — are these people serious?
47. I said “serious,” not Siri. Er, sorry, that was a reflex. I know you can’t hear me.
48. Siri, how loud would I have to scream to be heard on the moon?
49. Siri, lock me out of Twitter.
50. Siri. Siri… play “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail.