Forensic Files is the true crime show you see late at night while you’re home visiting family or when you stay in a hotel. Unless you’re me, in which case you seek out every episode and watch them in your downtime. To relax??? Anyway, don’t do that. It’s not a show anyone should binge-watch. It’s horrible and the world is terrifying enough.
On the other hand I have learned a lot from watching Forensic Files. About myself, about life, about humanity, and especially about what not to do as a woman in the world. And so you don’t have to see what I’ve seen, here are 43 of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from watching every episode of Forensic Files.
1. As a woman don’t work at night but also don’t be home at night but also don’t be out at night.
2. Don’t be a woman and also someone’s neighbor.
3. Set up an notification system to alert you if a life insurance policy is taken out in your name.
4. A great way to set off every social alarm is to keep showing up at the work where you got fired.
5. Take preventative measures in your bedroom in the case of an unexpected (deliberately set) fire. Possibly a pull slide?
6. Never go to sleep.
7. The best way to 100% prove you didn’t have sex with someone is to scream at the person questioning you, “WHAT? SEX?”
8. Things not to keep in your house: knives, plastic bags, lamps, wire, medication, motorcycle parts, stairs.
9. At the very end of the day we are all just a set of teeth.
10. “Beautiful, quiet community” is code for hunting ground.
11. Anyone that knocks on a door is a con artist.
12. I have a disturbing apathy toward arson.
13. Considering what you’re likely to find, off trail hiking is the most goth activity you can do.
14. It’s the boyfriend/husband.
15. “Mysterious” often means, “Very obvious, actually, if you asked literally one question.”
16. If someone asks you to go on a horse ride with them on a rocky trail they’ve definitely flicked you off as your back is turned.
17. The “act as if” rule originated from criminal sketch artists.
18. If you ever feel bored with your job there’s a person whose entire life has been dedicated to spreading out large piles of dirt onto a table and staring at it.
19. Mitochondrial DNA testing is the GOAT.
20. Dating as a divorcee is two times more dangerous than its non-divorcee counterpart.
21. No, really, it’s the boyfriend/husband.
22. Don’t hang out at the “local bar.”
23. Pop into someone’s criminal record if you’re deciding to marry them. If there’s a missing person or murder associated with their past consider not marrying them.
24. Animals will disrespect you in the afterlife.
25. People lie but directional blood patterns don’t.
26. Oh, it’s the wife also.
27. If you’re going to anger anyone make sure it’s not someone with a giant portrait of themselves in their house.
28. A good practice to get into is to initial every item of jewelry you own, unless you plan on committing a crime, in which case don’t initial anything.
29. Just as a general rule never go alone with someone on a boat.
30. There’s like a 30% chance the person you’re married to has an entire other family so well-established it’s complete with its own resentments.
31. If a show from the ’90s can get gender pronouns right so can we in 2016.
32. Once again dogs are the only pure things on earth.
33. Don’t be a jogger, gardener, waitress, radio DJ, sex worker, stay at home mom, working mom, student, dancer, nurse, doctor, office assistant, writer, or internet user.
34. No one should compare a murder to a banana split made up of distinct parts but especially not an attorney general?
35. “Family man” means latent sociopath.
36. Never let anyone fix a drink for you, especially the person you once loved unconditionally.
37. There are people who have the capacity to snack on Reese’s Cups as they commit murder.
38. “Classic love story” is code for unthinkable capacity for hate between two people.
39. Don’t print out your gay affair emails and keep them in your desk.
40. If you find your partner’s gay emails just be like, “It’s chill about the gay thing let’s explore this together,” rather than flying into a rage.
41. Don’t fight near a flight of stairs.
42. I’m now too desensitized to violence to not be considered a ruined person.