25 Things to Do While You Wait for “Orange is the New Black” Season Three

Have you finished watching Orange is the New Black Season Two yet? Of course you have. Twice, probably. And you’ve watched all the interviews with the cast and read every news clip you can find that even obliquely references season three, but now you have eleven and a half months to wait and no new episodes to sustain you. Here’s how to kill time until the Litchfield crew returns.


 

1. Write novel-length Amanda/McKenzie fan fiction. (I totally ship Amanda/McKenzie, you guys. I know Taystee’s straight but I get hella vibes from Amanda.)

2. Watch that .gif of Larry being punched in the face over and over again.

larry nipples

3. Get a Thirsty Bird tattoo.

4. Update your will to include detailed instructions stating that anyone who gets married at your funeral is cut off from all inheritance forever, and also you’ll come back and haunt them.

5. Learn to play the banjolele and start a Sideboob cover band. Throw a bluegrass version of “You’ve Got Time” in there.

6. Stockpile snacks in case of flooding.

7. Brainstorm baby names for Daya and Bennet. For some reason I feel like Victoria would be good.

8. Upgrade your home security and hide all your teddy bears and wedding-related paraphernalia in an impregnable safe. Possibly install retina scanners in your bathtub.

9. Wonder what Miss Claudette has been up to, and start a letter-writing campaign to get Michelle Hurst a spin-off show down in max.

10. Hit the thrift stores and put together your perfect job interview outfit (ideally a sequined cocktail dress).

OITNB202-00045

11. Become fluent in German, rock a super-short mohawk, and have your pick of the ladies.

12. Don’t speak unless you can improve upon the silence. I think Gandhi said that. I love Gandhi.

13. Make sure to wear your glasses if you’re going to assassinate somebody.

14. More fanfiction! This time, focus on what Sophia was doing offscreen all season long. (Dear OitNB writers, when you have a breakout star with a TIME magazine cover, you give her more than six goddamn lines.)

15. Take up gardening, using appropriately sized pots.

16. Make sure your fire extinguisher is near the door, especially if you’ve just begun a sordid yet boring relationship with your former best friend’s former fiance.

17. Cry about Suzanne forever.

18. Use your suspension from work to grow a bitchin’ mullet and memorize the code for every possible infraction.

19. Give scissoring one more shot.

20. Learn to roll your own cigarettes. Then rip them up and pour bleach all over them. Smoking is bad for you.

21. Grow babies in tubes and eradicate men (or use them for sex before tossing them away).

tuckymen

22. Never be rude to anyone. Just in case.

23. Start a newsletter for and about everyone who lives in your house. Goldfish: they’re people too! Be sure to include a list of your cactus’s favorite books.

24. (My partner’s contribution:) Learn to crochet. Make yourself an exact replica of Miss Claudette’s blanket, and wear it around your shoulders for the next 350 days. If anyone tries to take it away from you, rub it vigorously on your crotch, and go back to your fan fiction.

25. Watch Season Two again. Obviously.

Lindsay King-Miller is a queer femme tattooed fat chick who does not have an indoor voice. She received her MFA in Writing and Poetics from Naropa University, writes for The Hairpin, Cosmopolitan, The Toast, and elsewhere, and teaches composition. She lives in Denver with her partner, a huge but still insufficient collection of books, an awesome baby and two very spoiled cats

Lindsay has written 4 articles for us.

13 Comments

    • Yeah. Sophia’s really the only woman I can think of on the show that got relegated to Positive Representation status. There are enough lesbians and Latinas and Black women that they’re not afraid to show some being good and others being bad, confident that they’re destroying stereotypes simply through the sheer diversity and complexity of representation.

      But with Sophia being the only trans woman, it feels like the writers aren’t sure where they can take her that’s interesting and has depth without saying something negative about trans women in general.

  1. I already know German, so now I fantasize about Poussey and I whispering sweet nothings to each other in our shared foreign language. Anyone who hears her speak German can never again say it’s ugly for she makes it beautiful. Poussey…meine Geliebte…

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