2013 American Music Awards: 10 Things I Am Reacting To

1. Katy Perry did not learn the lesson of every other opening act at every other musical awards ceremony this year and pulled the most head-scratchingly blatant case of cultural appropriation act yet. If you look up “subtle” in the dictionary, there is a picture of Katy Perry in this attempt at a kimono that says “NOPE.”

no stop nope absolutely not no way that's enough

no stop nope absolutely not no way that’s enough

2. Emma Roberts is one of the announcers tonight. Unfortunately, she does not flip a bus or place a nasty curse on any of the deserving people present. They know who they are.

preachin to the choir sweetie

preachin to the choir sweetie

3. Miley Cyrus singing “Wrecking Ball” in a cat two-piece as a giant cat cries in the background. This was 100% the result of her PR team’s amphetamine-fueled attempt at clearing her reputation, and you know it. “Okay, we can’t do anything that might be construed as shitty again. What do the bloggers like?” “CATS.” “Excellent, Ted. Appease the bloggers. Cats.” “MAYBE SOME SHAPES AND SOME VAGUELY TUMBLR IMAGERY ALSO.” “That’s a raise right there, Ted.”

Also, does anyone else feel like at this point they have basically seen all of Miley Cyrus’ vagina via a composite of all the different ways her high-cut panty outfits have shifted throughout her various performances? I did not consent to this knowledge.


4. R. Kelly and Lady Gaga touched each other in a way that makes you feel like you’re at a wedding and your aunt and uncle get kind of drunk but your uncle is definitely a lot more drunk than your aunt and then they sing and dry hump on a desk.

oh no god please no

Go get your aunt and uncle off that desk, honey


5. Speaking of uncomfortable, Lady Gaga copped Naomi Campbell’s vintage Versace look and only the gays noticed. But the gays were OUTRAGED.

outraged gay shit


6. Rihanna always manages to make my cold dead heart flutter a bit. And her mom giving her the award? Cold dead heart glowing and flopping around in my ribcage.

baby girl

7. TLC performing “Waterfalls” with Lil Mama, and Nelly reminding me that is must, indeed, by the monay. That’s a surefire recipe to make the little adolescent queer inside of me feel juicebox-drunk on happiness and nostalgia.

8. One Direction makes phallic symbols on each other’s head, continues to surprise no one.

dicks on their head


9. J. Lo is flawless, has been flawless for so long that I am 100% sure she defies age itself. Jesus H Christ, look at her.

wow flawless so wow

10. For those of you interested in the legitimacy of the American Music Awards, an awards ceremony founded by Dick Clark when ABC lost the rights to host the Grammys: these awards were voted by “the fans” and Taylor Swift has won the top title of the awards three times already. So. Make of all this what you will, Straddlers.


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Full-time writer, part-time lover, freelancing in fancy cheese and cider.

Kate has written 130 articles for us.


  1. R. Kelly, brought to court on charges of sex with a minor and child pornography. Lady Gaga singing “Do what you want with my body” in front of pictures of her as a kid?

    Y I K E S


    Also, yeah, still 12000% over Miley.

      • not great indeed. then if i understand the Lady and her true degree of resourcefulness, nature and motives correctly, which i think i do – she’s the Mercenary, a woman lead in this sequel of Dogs of War. Sometimes what she does is good. More often it has to be… something else. ‘Cat’ Shannon, all over again, imo.

  2. All I got from the AMAs is that white dudes win everything. Unless they’re a white non-dude named Taylor Swift. Or Rihanna because enough people were probably like OK THIS IS PROBABLY NOT GOOD THAT ALL THE AWARDS ARE GOING TO ONLY JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. It’s possible I’m biased and I’m just not including any of the other people who got awards, but it’s only because I stopped watching after Lady Gaga made me feel uncomfortable, and not in that special, queer kind of way that she usually does. :( Also, it didn’t help that the show started with blatant appropriation and yet everyone in the audience gave Katy Perry a standing ovation. I was like SIT DOWN PEOPLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. tl;dr AMAs = race fail

  3. 1) How the fuck does R Kelly still have a career? Why is Social Justice Saviour Lady Gaga having a duet with a child rapist?? WHAT.

    2) I dunno, but that fucked up cat background makes me want to watch Miley’s video.

    3) Chilli is still one of the most radiant women ever. 20 years later, and LOOK AT HER. My heart’s been in the Lopez boat for almost 15 years, but damn, I think C has her beat.

  4. That cat’s mouth is moving as though it were singing the lyrics in a weird karaoke setting in which the cat did not want to be on stage but its cat friends made it go up and perform anyway.

    • ^ yes :)))))))) now i can’t unsee that – nor would i want to.

      As for myself – I just love Rihanna (one of the extremely rare zero magnitude stars to the atmosphere/feel of whose songs i can relate), semi-like LG, and am happy.

  5. Okay, Sarah Silverman’s comment about that Soul/R&B award? PRICELESS. “One, a white kid from the Mickey Mouse Club, one the son of the dad from ‘Growing Pains,’ and the other a strong, soulful Caribbean woman of color. I don’t know who will win, but I do know who should find this most ironic if she loses.”

    Also, the AMAs aren’t legitimate (because T-Swift fans – myself included – are just the most fervent and I’m sorry, but Rihanna is not so iconic they should’ve made a new award for her “artistry”) but they’re fun!

    And um, Lil Mama is no Left Eye…

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