As a transmasc person who didn’t realize they were trans until their twenties…I had some weird feelings about the guys I saw on the big screen when I was younger. I couldn’t identify what it was at the time given the whole not having the language for transness thing and, of course, the you’re a girl, this is how to be a girl thing society was doing to me. I can basically break down how I felt about guys in TV and movies when I was younger into three categories: 1. I wanted to be them, 2. I wanted to fuck them, and 3. I wanted nothing to do with them because everyone said I should want to fuck them.
A lot of my youth was spent rejecting the guys I was supposed to think were hot and instead embracing the ones every other girl discarded. You know, your Kevin Jonases and your that-other-human-guy-in-Twilights and whoever the ugliest One Direction guy was. I would later learn this was not a rejection of these men for who they are or what they looked like but rather a rejection of “girl” as a gender. Deep down, I knew I did not want to be performing the “girl” gender and without having the tools to perform non-binary or “guy” gender, I simply pushed anything away that I thought I was meant to be doing. Now that I’m out and understand these complicated feelings I was experiencing as a kid, I can better articulate what I felt about a lot of these guys: gender envy.
And within this pool of guys that gave me gender envy exist two sub-groups: guys I wanted to fuck and guys I did not want to fuck. There is one real live human man who, to this day and probably forever, gives me immense gender envy who I also want to fuck very bad. That man is Dev Patel. Other than Mr. Patel, there aren’t very many real men who accomplish both of these feelings for me. So that brings me to something I’ve put together for you, despite no one not once ever asking for it: a list of 10 Fictional Guys That Gave Me Gender Envy Growing Up Ranked by How Much I Wanted to Fuck Them.
10. Corbin Bleu as Chad Danforth in High School Musical
I pretended to like High School Musical so I could fit in with my girl friends growing up, and I really don’t remember much about it. What I do remember is Corbin Bleu’s beautiful cheekbones, chiseled chin, and those adorable curls. Now that is a pretty boy! I wanted to look like him real bad but I didn’t know how to express that. So instead I just picked him to be my Disney boyfriend when no one else wanted him, despite not really wanting to fuck him.
9. Lady Gaga as Her Alter Ego, Jo Calderone
The year is 2011: I’m a sophomore at my Catholic high school, and my C cups just grew in after years of prayers. I’m watching the MTV Music Video Awards and the stinkiest, dirtiest, most sensual Italian New Yorker comes out on stage smoking a cigarette. Jo Calderone enters my world. I wasn’t a Little Monster — I’M SORRY — so I hadn’t met him before his first live performance. He awakened something deep inside me and, let me tell you, it was not sexual. It was my first time seeing a drag king, and I would watch the clip of that performance over and over and over.
8. Osmosis Jones
Okay, we’ve reached our first animated guy. Let go of your judgments, because he is certainly not the last! For anyone who’s unfamiliar, Osmosis Jones is a buddy cop movie for children about a white blood cell cop and a sentient cold pill fighting off a virus inside of Bill Murray’s disgusting body. An absolute must watch. OJ is so fucking hot. He’s got the charm and swagger of his voice actor, Chris Rock, and has these thick ass eyebrows and a slim waist I would kill for. He’s a bit of a bad boy and very funny, but I never felt the desire to fuck him. Maybe even back then I knew not to fuck cops.
7. Danny Fenton in Danny Phantom
I am not the first to say this. I mean look at him. That is the trans masc blueprint. I feel like most people default to the ghost version of Danny Phantom with the white hair, but it’s really the human, to me, that is screaming gender. Again, the thick eyebrows are doing so much. I had this haircut before I even realized I was trans. PLUS HE’S DATING A HOT GOTH GIRL? And yes, I did want to fuck him, but more importantly, I wanted to fuck him and his girlfriend.
6. Kellan Lutz as Frank in Stick It
Two years before everyone was thirsting over Kellan Lutz in Twilight, I was trying to figure out why I was so drawn to Frank in Stick It. Ultimately, it came down to his stereotypical boy-ness with his farting, girl-chasing, and misdemeanors. But it was more than that. It was also his willingness and excitement to put on a prom dress and let a girl put makeup on his face. Watching the sequence in Stick It where they’re all in the mall and the boys are in dresses doing gymnastic moves and being goofy and still getting the girl at the end was sooo cool. Even though I don’t like blondes (or men), I did definitely want to fuck Frank.
5. David from Lilo and Stitch
I didn’t have the same connection to Disney animated films as my friends did when I was a kid. I definitely didn’t care much for the princess movies, and I certainly didn’t like any of the princes. One guy does stand out to me, though, and that’s David from Lilo and Stitch. Sure, he’s objectively handsome, ripped, tatted, spins fire, and can surf… but he’s also a kickass boyfriend. As I got older, I cared less about the hot guys who could get the girl or do sick tricks and cared more about the guys who were really good to their girlfriends. There were plenty of dudes who could teach me to do dude stuff but way fewer who could teach me to be a proper man!
4. Josh Brolin as Brandon Walsh in The Goonies
When my doctor told me I’d sweat a lot more after starting testosterone, I thought to myself: “Okay, sick, I’ll look like Brand from Goonies.” And when I first got my hair cut short in a boy way and not in a dyke way, I would wear bandanas like he did, and my mom would tell me I looked like him. It’s so funny to me that his character was supposed to be the loser when he is so clearly the jock, but that’s part of what lands him on this list. He is such a sweetie and tries so hard to be a good big brother and son to his struggling mom. I don’t have any younger siblings, but if I did, I’m sure I would have used him for inspo. I was never daydreaming about Brand or anything, but I’ll say this: I, too, would like to kiss him inside a skull cave.
3. Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian in Star Wars
Mustaches have entered the chat. A hot mustache on a gambling man with a sexy whip he uses to fight as a general in the rebel alliance. Okay, king! Lando is not only suave and smooth, but he also shows a guy can work on himself and become a better man. There’s not a whole lot of those laying around. I admired most of the men in the Star Wars films growing up, but none of them made me want to be a dude quite like Lando (Han Solo whined too much). And, for what it’s worth, I would also fuck Donald Glover’s Lando Calrissian.
2. Cary Elwes as Westley in Princess Bride
Ahhh, Westley, Westley, Westley. The original Wife Guy. The man who taught me to be an unapologetic simp. The Princess Bride not only made me a dyke, but it also made me trans. Oh Rob Reiner, the genius you are. Smart, chivalrous, the best swordsman in the land, and knows how to dress a little slutty? That’s the kind of man I’m trying to be. Wes gave all of us a t-boy mustache to aspire to, taught us it’s good when men shut the fuck up, and showed us you can, in fact, steal the girl from her toxic boyfriend. I for sure wanted to have sex with Wes, but more than anything, I really just wanted to lay my head on his chest in an open field.
1. Jeff Goldblum as Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park
To this day, Dr. Ian Malcolm remains on my “Men I Would Fuck Even Though I Don’t Fuck Men” list. Everything about that man made and continues to make me want to be a man. He is sexy and confident, but he is also a freakin’ nerd, which means a lot to me. Everything about him kills me from the way he dresses to his natural flirtation to that damn bare chest. To me, he is the man. If you told me there was a drug I could take to make me look like Ian Malcolm, I would take it.
1. David Bowie, except his pop era.
2. James Spader as Alan Shore.
3. Mads Mikkelsen who I used to hate then I saw Hannibal and I’ve watched everything he ever did since.
4. Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock.
Ahh a few on this list give me… Slightly gender-y feelings… Despite being trans femme. Thank goodness I’m at least technically bi.
“Nature, uh, finds a way”
Even though I’m not really into men, I totally get it with Dev Patel!
On a more serious note, Motti, if you’re open to sharing (and I absolutely understand if you’re not!), I would be interested in hearing what ‘men I would fuck even though I don’t fuck men’ means for you. It resonates for me as someone who has been happily out as a lesbian for quite some years now, but prior to figuring that out did crush on male celebs (and had real life ‘crushes’ – it’s just that the reality of being with those men always felt horribly horribly Wrong), and very recently has had those crushes on male celebs begin to pop up again. I’ve been questioning what, if anything, that means for my sexuality. It feels bizarre to have these sort of…fantasy attractions that don’t seem to translate to my reality.