So, formspring is pretty neat, huh? Here, Valleywag already described it for you in a post on their website, entitled “Formspring.me: The Sociopathic Crack of Oversharing“:
The newest sweet, cracklike, habit-forming oversharing platform combines the powers of Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook, and mainlines them right to your face. It’s called Formspring.Me, and like crack, it’ll destroy your life. It’s evil, fun, and addictive. And we have one.
Formsping.Me should come with a warning label you have to check off before you use it: BEWARE. WILL CAUSE LINGUISTIC, INTELLECTUAL, AND EMOTIONAL DIARRHEA. Here’s how it works: there’s a box, and you put questions in it, and the person using it answers them.
Laneia and Riese both sport very busy formspring accounts, accessible via our tumblr account. People utilize formspring to tell us how awesome / worthless we are, to complain about various elements of the site (that’s what the contact form is for fyi!) or share judgments regarding the constitution of our characters, to ask us questions about ourselves, offer us food, talk crazy and to ask for our opinion on various aspects of their personal lives.
Because life is busy and we’ve been running this ship about ten men short for a month or so, we’ve fallen terribly behind. So we thought:
Why not just make an “advice column” of these delightful inquiries so that everyone, and not just 16-year-olds with Naomily-themed tumblr accounts, can witness the glory.
Some of these are questions/answers that we already answered because they seemed like things you might “find interesting,” but most of these are new unanswered questions.
Do you have better advice? You should share that in the comments probably.
Do you think that people need to know that I/you are gay? I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t look ‘stereotypically gay’ and don’t know how to bring it up, and I feel like it makes people feel awkward, not from homophobia but just because it is hard to respond to it.
Riese: You don’t need to bring it up
You don’t need to say a thing
My advice would be: just don’t lie
So, recently i’ve been having a lot of sex with people I don’t necessarily love (romantically) because I enjoy sex and i crave physical contact and emotional closeness (or the illusion of) am i slut? is this only going to make me feel worse in the end?
Laneia: I don’t think you’re a slut. But it doesn’t matter what I think.
I can’t say what you will feel like in the end.
Chances are, this will eventually hurt. A lot of things eventually hurt.
“Doesn’t red wine give you a headache?”
“Yeah, eventually. But the first and middle parts are amazing.”
Hi, I tried to go to your Astrosaddle site to get advice on my lesbian horseriding date next week, but it is down. Can you help me? I am a 28yo piscean, she looks like a libran leaning toward virgoan but that might just be the squint.
Riese: This happened to me once too. Now I’m 28. Born on the cusp of Libra and Virgo. Birthday coming up, in fact. And I asked myself, how many years have I asked for a pony? You know? Basically every year. So where is it? It might just be the squint.
Do I need to be able to love people who I should?
Laneia: You are only able to love the people who you love.
So I’m a girl who likes girl, but is rarely (if ever) recognized as liking girls. I mean, I’ve been out four years now, and people are stil all ‘wtf, since when are you gay’? So, uhm, do you have any advice on how to look gay (without going butch)?
Riese: You could try:
1. Hitting on women
2. Lucky Dog Leather or another leather wristcuff
3. Gay-associated t-shirts: Autostraddle T-Shirts will be for sale this week! Also Free City, tegan & sara, or anything riese sells on ebay for the next three weeks
4. Put an autostraddle sticker on your car
5. Make out with girls
6. Alternative lifestyle haircut
Because I like more ‘masculine-identified women’ who are generally Very Obviously Gay, I find that I’m able to ‘indicate my sexuality’ by staring at them intently with eyes that say ‘I’m buying what you are selling.’
it happens a lot that girls tell me “i wish you were a boy. i would so date you”. how do i respond to something like that? worst is when i like them and they say that : (
Laneia: Show me these girls.
I will punch them in the throat.
In your brain, you should respond, “These girls are dumber than they look.”
In your heart, you should respond, “Hmph. Whatever.”
In front of their face, you should respond, “Hm, yes. Too bad you aren’t gay.”
i need to come out to my dad before my bffs wedding in two weeks, which both my parents and my gf will be attending. my dad and i love each other very much, but we never really talk, and we see each other infrequently. how awful is the e-mail come-out?
Riese: HM! I feel like Emily Post/E.Jean.
If you anticipate a homo-friendly response, I’d say you just email him and say you’re bringing your girlfriend and you hope he likes her. It’s like 2010 so really it’s very heteronormative for any parent to ever expect their kid to bring home opposite-gendered partners. you can tell him i said that. ‘heteronormative.’ i bet he’ll love you no matter what, especially b/c of the big words.
i told this girl i like her we have gone on several dates and we spend all night talking but she still wants to see other people what should i do?
Riese: See other people
i dont know if i can ask you advice, but i sure as need some. its your typical “girl likes STRAIGHT girl” crush. i’ve fallen so hard for her. how does this even work? how do straight girls even start to consider being with another girl….?
Laneia: Um, ergh, al;skdfjasldk.
I think girls consider doing things that they hadn’t previously considered doing (skydiving, yoga, scissoring) when they trust the person they’re doing it with. You should be relevantly straightforward about what a queer you are, but don’t hit on her. Be her friend. Like, really just be her friend.
Worry about taking her shirt off later. I feel like if you do this correctly, there will be a ‘later.’
Of course, there is the distinct possibility that I am wrong and you should just ask her out.
dear laneia, I like this girl who has never liked anyone before. I tease her saying that she’s asexual because of that. but she says she’s open to trying boy or girl. but i’m like 99.9% sure she’s asexual. thoughts?
Laneia: If she says she’s not asexual, you should be 99.9% sure that she knows herself better than you do. I recommend moving forward in a way that reflects your trust in that.
I was raised in a very restrictive religion. I myself am atheist, but there are still a people from the religion that associate with me. I feel very limited in my speech, actions, everything. What do I do? I’m going to fucking face punch someone.
Riese: Maybe go to a gym of some kind and punch things, I think that’s how they did it in Rocky. Then maybe try to focus most of your energy on your friends and associates who let you be who you are, or at least don’t expect you to be like them. Just remember that. Nobody’s way is better. We’re all fucked/brilliant.
what do you do if you love someone but they take you and your emotions/feelings for granted? what do you do if your girlfriend doesnt ask you if you’re okay when you’re crying but just asks if you took your medicine?
Laneia: I’m making a really sad, uncomfortable face right now. This situation sounds kind of terrible and not good. I would say ‘talk to your girlfriend about this; be honest about your feelings,’ but sometimes that doesn’t work.
I feel like I need more back story.
I want you to leave her.
That seems like a knee-jerk reaction. Riese would have smarter things to say about this.
When she cries, I can hold her until she stops and kiss her until she smiles, but I can’t fix it, because she won’t tell me why. I don’t know why I’m asking you this, but you seem good with words. I am not. Please?
Laneia: I think she’ll tell you when she’s ready. Sometimes people don’t want to be fixed. Sometimes they just want to be fucked up and crying and in the arms of something calmer.
Riese: Does she leave clues or shut doors? Does she want you to say the things she won’t say or ask questions to invite answers or does she want you to just do what you’re already doing. I think you should take care of your heart first, or maybe ask her to write you a letter on paper or use words like ‘depression’ or read books and talk about the books. listen to music and talk about it or go see movies and talk about them. she’ll say things and you’ll listen to your heart and do what you can do. she might just want to cry and so you could hold her while she does that. that would be a nice thing to do.
How do you go down on a girl?
Riese: first you should get her comfortable, like get her a sandwich or file her nails, or both, and after the sandwich maybe bring her a lemonade and a joint, which you could smoke together to enhance the mood. Make sure it’s a really good sandwich. Ideally the meat should’ve been cut at the deli, not in a factory somewhere. You catch my drift?
then you do things with your mouth, hands, chest, fingers, face, and you say things and you move your body in a certain way, whatever way it is that will get her to take her pants off or let you take her pants off. it’s more romantic if you toss them aside and maybe laugh a little like “oh, we are such silly animals full of sex and lust.” then when her pants are off you’re pretty much ready to get stared, and just go ahead and go down on a girl.
“If you are over an ex-girlfriend and you know you no longer want to be with them. How do you you let go of the pain they put you through, meaning how do you fully move on from someone?
you put it in a box
or a book
or a day
and you just leave it there.
do you want to go back and get it? pick it up and roll it around in your hands?
but what if it misses you? what if it needs you?
no. leave it.
one day you’ll accidentally come across it and realize you’d forgotten that you’d put it there. it’ll look different. it’ll feel different when you push on it. you’ll show it to other people and they’ll say, ‘oh yeah. i remember that. i remember it being bigger.’ and you’ll say, ‘mhm. but i think we were just smaller.’
Why it is still scary to hold her hand? and kiss her in school? and tell my friends? and my parents? who all accept and love us? why am i still ashamed when people whisper they didn’t know i liked girls? why do people call me brave when i have no courage?
Laneia: Maybe you’re just not into PDA? I mean, that’s possible. Maybe you’re embarrassed because her presence as your girlfriend confirms that you have smushy gushy electric feelings in your heartspace and sometimes those feelings come out via your vagina / mouth / fingers and like, whoa, that’s a lot to confirm all at once.
When I first came out, I was so so SO embarrassed by my hands. Every single time I looked down at my hands / fingers I thought, “JESUS H. CHRIST THOSE GO INSIDE OF GIRLS.” Does this make me sound crazy? Maybe. But like, IT’S A SEX THING. ON THE END OF MY ARM. UNLIKE OTHER SEX THINGS, WHICH ARE LIKE, HIDDEN, FOR THE MOST PART.
I mean, good grief, it’s just a lot to deal with.
I think it’s brave that we hold doors open with our sex things, personally.
how do you deal with your fibro, slash how did you deal with it when you were first diagnosed? is there an effective way to manage or treat it?
Riese: i delt with it at first by taking celebrex & elavil and exercising and sleeping more. i don’t take celebrex anymore. but i do exercise 4-5 times a week. it gets bad when i’m stressed out or haven’t slept. to deal with that, i smoke pot and lie on the carpet. also move move move. stretch and walk and jump and run in place. ideally i get 8 hrs/sleep night, but i can’t these days. actually i think i manage it by opting out of regular life. gah
Any advice for a lesbian who doesn’t feel like she fits into gay world?
Laneia: You will find a place to be you.
Stop viewing the world as ‘gay’ or ‘[whatever].’ View the world as ‘THE WORLD.’
Get comfortable with the idea that The World is here for everyone.
Wherever you are – geographically, emotionally – might not be a place where you can thrive, and that’s pretty normal. We aren’t all traipsing around in daisy fields, 69ing our BFFs and eating vegan lasagna. Most of us are, in fact, not entirely unmiserable. But! You have two choices:
1. Acknowledge / make the best / make a plan to make it better / follow through with plan.
2. Acknowledge / wallow / think of nothing better / do nothing better.
I feel like you’re going to want to yell at me about this. I am willing to talk.
my gay cousin is dying of aids. the family pretends it’s not aids because if they accept that then they’ll have to accept that he’s gay. i don’t know how to reach out to him, and i’m really fucking sad about it. i feel that as a fellow gay i failed him
Riese: are you ‘out’? if you’re not ‘out’ then it doesn’t matter, this man knows from secrets. so don’t let that get int he way.
sit down beside him and maybe put your hand on his leg, or something, and ask him how he’s doing “with everything.”
your facial expression should say ‘i understand how you feel and i know how much this hurts and i think you deserve love and honesty’ even if it’s not true. just keep giving him that facial expression until it’s true, no matter how many minutes/years it takes
So I play on a softball team & I have a crush on one of my teammates. I’m 20 & she is 40. Is that too big of an age difference? Also, I have no idea if she likes me, but she says that I do cute things. (idk if she is just saying it b/c I’m 20)
Riese: A lot of young women date older women because you know there are really just not enough lesbians out there to get picky about age. Just um, don’t pretend like age is just a number. It isn’t. The question is if you can handle everything that comes with age not being a number or whether you’d rather not have that kind of relationship.
Do things ever fall into place/work themselves out/happen when they’ll happen? When should I stop waiting and just fucking do something?
you should always just fucking do something
the only things you should let ‘happen when they happen’ are weather and orgasms
Q: If i’m attracted to both men and women, does that make me bisexual? how do i know i’m not “just horny”, as one of my friends put it?
Riese: because if you were “just horny” and heterosexual, you would just want to have sex with ‘guys,’ and if you were “just horny” and homosexual, you would just want to have sex with ‘girls.’ i’m in a really bad mood today, so i might take this back later, but i think your friend needs to get Iced.
i’m not technically overweight but i could lose 10-15 pounds and have extra rolls everywhere.. and i feel really self-conscious every single moment of the day. how can i get over my body anxieties? i feel like i won’t be attractive to any girls ever
Riese: if a girl i liked gained 10-15 pounds
i would have ~0 feelings about it
i like all the parts of your body
every single part! all of the parts!
i don’t know you but i bet you are beautiful
act ‘as if’ until it’s not an act anymore.
So. Very serious. When you figure out you’re a les… And you have all these awesome friends, straight friends, but they don’t get it… What happens to your relationships with those friends?
Riese: You will sit bitterly at their rehearsal dinners, drunk, sneering, making rude comments about inequality like prop-8-induced-Tourettes. Other than that everything will be the same.
okaay so i have been trying to get with my ex girlfriend but like she has a new boyfriend that she doesnt even like she still says she loves me but she wont come back to me and she keeps teasing me…what should i do?
Riese: say “i have to go now,” and then turn around and walk out the door (if this happens indoors and it’s not your apartment, in which case you’ll have to come back later, but she’ll have time to dip out or not) and run away. when she’s ready, if she’s ever ready, she’ll call you. she might. i mean that, she really might, and she also might not.
any tips on how i can approach this beautiful girl in my class who i think is straight she sits right across from me and shes always looking over at me and she smiles i think shes just being friendly what do you think
Laneia: She is probably just being friendly, but there’s really only one way to be sure.
i was in an all-girl poly triad (abc), a turned out to be a toxic manipulative asshole, she still goes out with b, I still go out with b, am stuck living with them both for a year &can’t afford to leave. i love b, i hurt all the time, say some words to me
Riese: meridian starfall kettle-corn pineapple upside-down cake love eat feed home box punch underpants scotch tape dakota fanning
focus on how you can eventually afford to leave, move your energy into that space
so I’m really nervous about maybe/eventually losing my virginity because I’m kindof scared I’d mess it up and it would be awkward…what do I do?
Riese: omg, we just wrote about this on jezebel. but you can’t mess it up. there’s no way to mess it up! It will definitely be awkward, don’t get confused. If you laugh at yourself and trust your gut then you’ll be okay.
How do you get over someone that you accidentally fell in love with and know you can never have, even though you don’t want to?
Laneia: Yay this is fun! You have to let them stomp all over your heart. I mean really let ’em go at it. You have to let it feel like they’ve broken up with you, even though you were never together. THIS SUCKS, RIGHT? I know. It’s also really humiliating! Wheee!
It will get better.
Don’t talk to them for at least a month, maybe two, possibly longer. Don’t entertain thoughts. You know the thoughts I’m talking about. Don’t think those.
It will get better.
How do I ask the girl I like out?
Riese: I think you should track her down and then when you see her say, “hey do you want to go out some time? with me? i’ll bring vegan cupcakes.” wear something cute.
how did u ask the first girl you asked out out?
ummmm, like, on a date?
it was via email, which i sent at 3 a.m.
i mentioned coffee, drinks, puppies and kites.
WORKED LIKE A CHARM, OBVS.
If I have a place to live, a steady income, a car that runs, and a girlfriend that loves me, shouldn’t I be happy? Of course. So why can’t I stop thinking about someone else?
Riese: I have a poem for you. It’s by Stephen Dunn and it’s called “Paradise.”
How attractive trouble feels
in paradise. The place next door
where pain is an option
begins to whisper.
You want the leopard to replace
the swan, the great horned owl
to nudge a songbird out of a tree.
The case for suffering is always
overrated by those whose health
is good, whose houses are calm.
But today you understand
why some people pierce
more than their ears,
why the leisure class has a history
of eating itself from the inside
And, now, a wish to stir
the stilled air with a serrated knife
dip into the blackberry jam,
then lick that knife publicly clean,
hoping someone will notice and care.
From the beginning, hasn’t it
been the same: the need to woo
a stranger so you’ll not be mutinous
alone, to lie down knowingly
among the nettles and the thorns?
-Stephen Dunn, Paradise
I miss home, and I need a hug. I don’t know how to make friends in a new city, and I don’t think strangers are going to give me a hug. I also don’t know how to be an adult. Any suggestions?
Laneia: i also have no idea how to be an adult. or how to make friends. human faces are intimidating and i’m always worried that my under-eye concealer has rubbed away or that i’ve forgotten to pluck my eyebrows for weeks or maybe i should brush my teeth. this all sounds superficial, but i worry about what these malfunctions of common grooming will say about me.
strangers are probably more likely to hug you than you’d think. i would hug you right now and i’ve never seen your face.
also one time riese wrote this, which always made me feel better when i couldn’t:
I Think I Saw Your Airplane Leaving Planet Harlem Tonight
Would you be bothered emotionally if someone you were interested in being in a relationship with had had a lot of sexual partners before you? Do you think that is a common concern? I don’t actually know what “a lot” is..
Riese: never, and i never have, even back when i was more likely to be the one with less.
i don’t think sexual ‘partners’ are so easily quantified.
please run away from the idea
that sex is something quantifiable
or that “partners” is a place to begin to quantify
when it comes to ‘sex.’
it’s a scale that makes 5 yrs of making love to the same person equal, in importance, to a drunken fuck with a friend that immediately seemed hilarious/over the next morning
sex is about many different things for different people at different times.
love, adventure, possession, relief, oblivion, revenge, lust, activity, dependence, appreciation, friendship, caring, hating, or anything. sex is about apple turnovers sometimes. but sex is never about numbers, about a hierarchy of numbers
your love had a life before you
this is always the case.
you need to leave room for that, back there
as you go boldly forward,
and find out what happens next
I like a girl who I met online. I’m shy and she’s an entertainer. I’m like the perfect audience and she keeps me laughing and smiling without even trying. She has a crush on me, but she barely texts/calls. I don’t like chasing. Should I swallow my pride?
Riese: I’m going to assume you know her IRL now too… if you want her to call or text you more then you should say so, and see what she says, and then decide what to do. say you are busy or don’t have time to play games. People like that kind of thing.
What do you do when some of your favourite music is too painful to listen to because it conjures bad memories? Should I find new music or tie new memories to the old music
Laneia: Reclaiming music is a BITCH.
If you try to do it now, you’ll just end up crying in your living room floor for an entire weekend.
You have to leave it alone for as long as possible — maybe years, but you can try after a few months. I know, this is ridiculous. You’re going to need to be so far away from the events and the time that your memories start to skew a little.
Then you can reintroduce it to your life.
This’ll feel really awkward at first, almost like the music itself feels out of place now. You may find that you don’t like it anymore. But the next time you hear it, you’ll remember this time, when it felt awkward, not the times you wanted to sit on weheartit.com for hours and build the perfect photographic shrine to your broken heart. OH WHAT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER DONE THAT.
What do you do to feel better when you’re feeling ugly/fat/unloved/unwanted)
Riese: Riese: I would either drink too much or go to the gym. The latter is better. It gives you energy and happiness with no negative repurcussions. Also, you’re not fat, and should read Kate Harding.
My gf is funny and smart and cute and sweet and she is skeptical when I tell her these things, so I want to do something nice for her to show her how special she is. Whyyy can’t I think of something clever and sweet? Gah.
Laneia: I feel like you’re asking me what you should buy your gf for her birthday or something. I can’t answer this question because I don’t know her. You should listen to what she says and do things based on that. Don’t always tell her how pretty she is. Sometimes pretty girls want people to say how smart they are. If she is very very smart, maybe she would like to hear how pretty she is. I don’t know.
What are the 1-5 things about her that almost no one notices? Notice those things. The next time you are away, bring her something that she doesn’t need, like a plastic wind-up penguin or some gum. Cut out magazine articles that made you think of her and tape them to something, like her favorite cereal. She can read the articles while she eats. I would like it if someone did those things for me.
Situation: I like cute girl, cute girl likes me. yay but I’m leaving for half a year. how do I make sure cute girl still likes me when I get back?
Riese: write her a 1,260 line poem and put each line on a different piece of paper for her to open every day that you’re gone. send her postcards & draw her pictures & write letters. visit! write her emails like, “i am so much cuter now, you’re gonna die” or “my personality is radiant,” so she doesn’t forget. read books at the same time.
but maybe you won’t like her when you get back, you never know. have fun. be yourself. the rest should fall into place.
My ex broke up with me, but she won’t stop sending mixed signals, which isn’t helping me get over her. What should I do?
Laneia: punch her in the throat and then say “THAT’S WHAT MY HEART FEELS LIKE. STOP FUCKING WITH ME.”
have a cuddler on standby.
I think i may have fallen in love with a guys brain. I can’t make myself feel anything physically for him though. It’s horrible and like WOAH CONFUSING. I’ve tried just being friends with him, but it doesn’t work, because i want to be WITH WITH him.
Riese: So you want to be with him but you don’t want to fuck him. I think that means you don’t want to be with him, ’cause making out is part of the relationship package and he might feel sad about himself or his body if you never want to touch it, but still want to be with him.
Is it possible for someone to be considered as a bisexual although they’re a goldstar lesbian?
Riese: No the only thing that matters in the whole wide world is who you’ve fucked. Fuck fuck fuck. You can’t be anything until you fuck it, and we’re all fucked! ALL OF US ARE FUCKED. Except you. You just like things, but you are also fucked anyway just for being alive.
In conclusion, forget everything I just said. Of course you can be a bisexual even if you’ve not fucked a dude! I identified as bisexual for ages before fucking a girl. Yannow?
when you care about someone who is crazy, or at least does crazy things, someone that hurts themselves to get you to love them, and hurts you for not loving them… where do you draw the line, when is it okay to give up and do what’s best for yourself?
This has happened to me a lot of times with different people! [See: The Year in Review – Swift-Footed Winged Mess, Live Through This And You Won’t Look Back, What Happened Last September (and so I say to you, this is what I have to do) ]
Eventually, I had to lose everything in order to walk away — eventually, they might have to lose everything too, in order to choose, willingly, health or sanity. They might have to lose you. The more you throw in, the more you need them to come out of it. You keep thinking you could just go along with things and then maybe fix them.
There comes a point when you realize the craziness is more important than you, and you can’t control or change them. There comes a point when you might become an enabler, or when things will happen to you that you never thought would happen to you. You need room to breathe and a life of your own.
I wrote this, once: “The quickest way to lose your mind is to try to fit a crazy person’s behavior into your reality. It doesn’t fit, so you have to make room. So you fit that information in the only part that has eternal vacancy; imagination. By then, too late, as I said: you’ve already lost it. You’re nothing.”
There comes a point when you’ve gotta cut your losses — usually it’s the sixth or seventh time you’ve thought to yourself “I oughta cut my losses.” It may be hard to see now, but it will be your gain, and her’s too.
how do you make the BEST TACO EVER?
Laneia: This is a lot of pressure.