Welcome back, Earpers!! It has been…a very long time. Seven months, seven years, time is broken, there’s absolutely no way to know how long it’s been. But the important thing is that we’re back and Team Earp is just as Earpy as ever. So let’s dive right in.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Waverly and Doc got stuck in the Garden and Nicole unwittingly made a deal with Earp rival Mam Clanton to get them out and started barfing frogs, Waverly killed Mam Clanton to save her girlfriend, Wynonna killed Holt Clanton to try to put an end to their feud, Doc broke up with her over it, and Waverly proposed to Nicole.

And that barely grazes the surface. I love this wacky show.

The mid-season premiere opens in sunny Purgatory, a bit of an unusual but not unwelcome sight. Wynonna is stumbling through the woods, Peacemaker in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. Nicole is giving Waverly a ring in the middle of a motel parking lot on a very familiar couch.

This was a really cute and sweet moment but I can’t think too hard about where that couch has been or I get itchy.

Waverly and Nicole go to Shorty’s to celebrate their engagement for the second time, which is actually just a pre-toast before the next night’s engagement party. I think the tally so far is 2.5 proposals so I guess 2.5 engagement parties is good, too. It’s been a little over a month since the last engagement and Doc and Wynonna are still fighting, hence Wynonna’s day drinking. Nedley is taking over Chrissy’s juice bar and turning it back into Shorty’s (but leaving some of the plants) and Billy the Reaper is still living in the basement.

:fights the urge to make an enGAYgement joke: :clearly fails:

On her jolly jaunt through the murdertrees, Wynonna finds a demon and is ready to do her duty when she realizes it’s Amon of Glory Hole fame. Wynonna is drunk and over it and ready to send him to hell anyway, but ultimately spares him. She just wants him to remember that his life (or…afterlife? Unlife?) is in her hands.

Get someone who looks at you the way Wynonna looks at her magic demon-slaying gun.

Wynonna stumbles her way back to Shorty’s and Waverly sighs at her sister’s drunken reproach of Doc. She wishes they would just fight and make up already instead of this persistent avoidance of one another. When asked why she wasn’t at the toast, Wynonna lies about planning a bachelorette party and even though it wasn’t even a good lie, Nicole and Waverly placate her and let her drag them to an empty strip club where it’s male dancers.

I love how all three of them not only have very different expressions, but also are dressed for three very different events.

There’s another drunk bride there who loves Waverly’s bisexual bob and drags Nicole away for bride-to-be shots and Waverly tells Wynonna that Nicole just wants a quick, quiet wedding. Wynonna might be drunk but she still knows her sister and remembers the bridal scrapbooks Waverly has been making all her life. Wynonna encourages her sister to ask for what she wants and she’s right; Waverly will regret it if they don’t at least talk about it.

Meanwhile back at Shorty’s, Nedley asks Rachel why she’s hanging around, and Li’l Valdez says she doesn’t really have anywhere to go because she doesn’t like being alone at the Homestead. Nedley hires her as a barback and she’s so excited she forgets her manners and teases him for eating Calamity Jane. RIP.

Now I’m imagining a slow day at the bar, Rachel trying to teach Nedley TikTok dances, him being surprisingly good at them.

At the slapdash bachelorette party, the next stripper up is a man named Dimitri with peculiar scars on his back and Waverly recognizes him from the motel parking lot earlier. After his set, he plops down next to Waverly and Wynonna and laments that love is like the tooth fairy. Wynonna thinks he means it doesn’t pay as much as you’d think, but what Dimitri means is that it doesn’t exist. And suddenly I’m a big fan of Dimitri.

Also Dimitri is pan and he says so right out loud and it’s delightful. Waverly insists that love is real and is willing to bet on it, forgetting where she lives and that in Purgatory you can’t just say things like that. Dimitry slips a small vial into Waverly’s pocket and she’s none the wiser.

Later, Waverly and Nicole make their way to the Purgatory Sheriff’s Office to look for a marriage license. Cleo Clanton has been MIA since her brother and mother died but Nicole still remembers where they kept them. Alone in the place they first kissed, Waverly starts to pull Nicole closer but Nicole gets squirrely about it, maybe left over from when this was where she worked and it wasn’t appropriate.

“Kiss me, out of the bearded barley. Nightly, beside the green green…BUNNY?”

Waverly is confused, it’s not like there’s anyone else here. Except she was wrong about that. In only having eyes for her girl, she didn’t notice someone sitting at the desk of the abandoned office. The one, the only: Bunny Loblaw. She is a one-woman City Hall, determined to keep order in this riff-raff infested town if she has to build stocks in the town square. Waverly is flustered and a little glitter floats off of her and lands on Nicole. But it quickly becomes clear this isn’t edible glitter from the strippers when Nicole is overcome with a vision of Waverly in the slow-mo glow of a 90s rom com.

Finally everyone else can see what I see when I look at Waverly Earp.

And all of a sudden, Nicole can’t keep her hands off Waverly, despite Bunny loblawing insults at her and her girl. Waverly is trying her best to say serious and use her adult voice to demand Bunny give her a marriage license while Nicole all but humps her leg.

Me @ my friends the second we’re all vaccinated.

Eventually Bunny relents and Waverly shakes her hand to show there are no hard feelings when a piece of glitter falls on her and now Bunny is in love with Waverly, too.

Waverly leaves before she can really register this change in attitude and her next stop is to bring Amon a peace pie, hoping he can wrangle his demon buds into having a truce day to help her convince Nicole to have a proper wedding, since the constant threat of attack is one of the things keeping her hesitant. Waverly accidentally turns her sweetness up to 11 and boops his nose and while she regrets it immediately, it works in her favor since he gets glittered and falls for her too.

Waverly finds Doc lurking around and they talk briefly about Mam Clanton but Waverly doesn’t remember what happened exactly, just remembers touching her. She doesn’t want to think about that right now anyway, she just wants to think about love.

When Waverly finds Nicole in the barn, where she sent her to cool off, Nicole leaps up like a puppy dog. She found Waverly’s wedding scrapbook and will do literally anything Waverly wants. Waverly doesn’t know what’s wrong but she knows something’s off; did Nicole touch the goo? Get possessed by the ghost of a horny teenager? Is she just Eve shapeshifted again? Did Jolene charm her? Honestly it’s a wonder they don’t have safe words for this by now.

I also am untrusting when people are overly nice to me, so I feel this.

Waverly leaves Nicole to continue to cool off while Nicole just calls after her about needing a wedding hashtag, sounding like Twitter when the ship first set save. WavNic? HeatWave? WayHaught? Nah, definitely not that last one.

As she leaves the Homestead, Waverly runs into Bunny Loblaw, who is here with a bajillion roses to profess her love for Waverly Earp. Waverly simply says, “Nope!” and ignores Bunny’s pleas and promises of a Bend it Like Beckham movie night as Waverly leaves to figure out what the hell is going on with everyone.

Waverly finds Wynonna drunk as a skunk in the trunk of her truck and Wynonna is highly entertained by this turn of events.

When the baby sister has to be the big sister because big sister is a hot damn mess.

Waverly doesn’t get why she’s suddenly everybody’s thing, and despite Wynonna insisting that’s nothing new, Waverly has a theory about when exactly things started to get all Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered up in here.

Meanwhile, Doc Holliday goes to look for Cleo at her ranch and finds the last remaining Clanton curled up in a ball near a corpse and crying. She begs him to kill her and as he looks at her with surprise and he’s hit with that slow-release glitter and is taken by the Can’t Hardly Wait effect, too, showing us that it’s not just Waverly people are falling for.

I’m low key in love with Savannah Basley and I can’t wait for her to have more scenes with the rest of the Earp crew.

He flirts with her, gently and softly, and she’s confused about it but flattered and agrees to let him help her.

Next page: Valerie Anne finally realizes love is not a lie. 

Wynonna goes to see Amon in all her insult-flinging gunslinger glory (hole) but then she gets glitter bombed too and gets heart eyes for Amon. The spirit of Mrs. McMurray takes hold then and she starts licking things that ought not be licked, like the railing at a dive bar, while getting her flirt on.

“Well, I would have made out with you, but then you licked a handrail in a dive bar.”

Waverly goes to see Dimitri and like the absolutely adorable little angel she is, she hides under a scarf, afraid that he’ll fall in love upon laying eyes on her.

He laughs, saying he’s immune, and also if people are falling for her, she’s not doing it right. He chides her for…not washing her coat?? Which frankly is rude. You’re lucky she has a coat, man. If this was the dead of winter she’d be in a crop top with bare arms. She finds the vial in her coat pocket and he explains that when people are sprinkled with the stuff in the vial, the fall in love at first sight with the next person they see.

Waverly thinks this sounds like a glittery red flag when it comes to consent, but Dimitri just smiles at her and says that love comes in many forms and that sex is an optional part of the equation. Which is why Nicole didn’t ONLY want to hump Waverly’s leg, but also wanted to do literally anything Waverly wanted, including but not limited to having her dream wedding.

Waverly understands now that Dimitri is a cupid, hence the wing removal scars, and he doesn’t want the gig back. He’s perfectly happy to deliver food instead of love (which is a mood…food > love), and leaves Waverly to figure this out on her own.

“Zydrate comes in a little glass vial. A little glass vial? A little glass vial.”

Waverly tells Wynonna about the problem and Wynonna does a stellar job of pretending like she’s not suddenly and inexplicably in love with the man whose life she threatened not all that long ago. She does subtly do some prodding to make sure Waverly is still in love with Nicole and won’t accept Amon’s advances and convinces Waverly to leave the glitter vial home for now while they have the engagement party, claiming it will be a problem for future them, but really stealing it for herself so she can make Amon return her affections.

Wynonna has been acting so erratically lately Waverly can’t tell the difference between love drunk and bourbon drunk Wynonna.

So they stroll into Shorty’s, and I know I didn’t get hit with glitter but my brain still did the tunnel of light thing when I saw them.

Again dressed for two very different occasions but looking amazing nonetheless.

Nicole, Bunny, and Amon awkwardly vy for Waverly’s attention, and Wynonna tells Nedley to get Bunny drunk to chill her out. “Get her so sloshed she thinks she’s Jann Arden,” she says of the woman played by the legendary Jann Arden. :chef’s kiss: Perfect line.

But the problem is, Wynonna didn’t exactly tighten the cap to the glitter vial so before you know it Nedley is looking at Bunny like she’s a brand new hawaiin shirt.

And then: chaos descends. Wynonna is throwing herself at Amon, the Waverly Fan Club is fighting for the microphone to sing to her, Nedley is staring wistfully at the angel-obsessed Bunny. It’s a 7th grade dance up in this bitch.

As the chaos only increases, Waverly slips away and Rachel looks like she regrets agreeing to work in a bar and maybe will even stop asking the adults for alcohol every time they toast.

This is the face of a girl who has seen some shit..

But seeing that everyone is distracted, she steals Nedley’s keys and goes down to see Basement Billy. Well…not see. Since she’s not marked, she can’t see her ex-boyfriend, only see the moving shackles. They talk and Billy has enough human left in him to ask her to free him.

Meanwhile, Doc is on the Clanton Ranch when he gets a call from Waverly, who thinks he was immune to the glitter because she hasn’t seen how he has been looking at Cleo.

“Yes I’m CALLING you. On the phone. That’s how dire this situation is.”

Doc understands that what Waverly said means his feelings probably aren’t real, but she’s finally smiling and thanking him for treating her so decently and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her. Besides, he probably would have been almost as gentle and kind with her anyway. He calls Cleo a survivor and tells her to make her own legacy, and she looks inspired by possibility. I always knew that girl was one good pep talk away from being on our side.

Though she does let slip that Nicole promised Mam she’d turn Doc in if Mam saved Waverly, and while Doc says he understands why she would have made such a deal, this is the first he’s heard of Nicole’s involvement so it’ll be interesting to see how he reacts once he’s not love drunk.

As he leaves, Cleo eyes a chainsaw like it’s HER 90s manic pixie dream girl.

Desperate to get her friends back to normal, Waverly orders food to get Dimitri to come to Shorty’s. He asks her where the glitter is and they soon realize it’s not at the Homestead where she thought she left it, but being strewn through the air like confetti by a desperate, drunk, and clumsy Wynonna. Suddenly love is in the air, quite literally, and the mood in the room shifts from a disaster prom to a hippie den, with everyone really feeling the love.

“It’s a pretty good bad idea, me and you.”

Everyone partners off and sways together in a stupor. Nicole is curious about Wynonna’s top shelf ass, but Wynonna won’t cross that line because her sisterly bond is stronger than this love drug, but she does love Nicole more than whiskey. Doc won’t even dance with Nicole because his love for her is too sisterly for the spell to work. (Or because he knows she’s a lesbian and doesn’t want to set himself up for failure, who knows. Either way it’s hilarious/great.) Wynonna and Doc click like magnets when they get too close, the line between where the spell ends and their real feelings begin blurrier than Wynonna’s vision after her second bottle or bourbon.

Dimitri thinks this is all just the spell, blames it on the glitter and booze, but Waverly says he’s too cynical. But searching his face, Waverly sees it’s more than that. She then asks, “What was their name?”

“Their.” It’s one word. A relatively small word. A very common word. But it’s so huge. On so many shows, because the writers assume all their characters are straight, they have their characters assume it about each other, too. Some shows might have even skirted around it by saying, “Who was it?” But this show took it that one extra step to model inclusive language. “What was their name?” It’s so simple, you’d think every show would do it. But the thing is, they don’t. So I appreciate it.

And also the name in question? Amon. After two years together, Amon kicked Dimitri out. Therefore love is a lie. Waverly looks at him with compassion. She then has to ruin my and Dimitri’s Love is a Lie campaign by being all logical and sweet. Heartbreak is proof love exists. Sometimes love is buried under hurt and pride. Sometimes love doesn’t last forever. But that doesn’t make it any less real.

Ugh did Waverly Earp just make me believe in love? I don’t want to talk about it.

Waverly wins Dimitri over and together they make spitballs to cure everyone of their love spell. Dimitri saves us all from drowning in our feelings by reminding us about the ridiculousness of the situation when he tells Waverly to aim for the butt, because that’s where love lives.

One by one, everyone snaps out of their make peace not war daze. Wynonna still doesn’t want the moment to end but Doc decidedly does. Nicole beelines for Waverly, burying her embarrassed head in her betrothed’s chest and is relieved she didn’t ruin everything.

Me apologizing to my friends every time we get off Zoom because I have forgotten how to people.

Waverly thinks that the least Nicole can do is compromise for a medium-fuss wedding and Nicole heartily agrees. Dimitri can’t help but smile and relent that the reason he chose Waverly for this gig is because he hasn’t seen anyone this in love in a long, long time. Queer love saves the day again.

Drunk Bunny is not in love with Waverly anymore, but is being way less homophobic than usual. Whether it’s because her own underlying sapphic urges were unlocked, or it’s because what they say is true and all it takes is loving someone queer to open your heart is anyone’s guess. Bunny says bye bye to the lesbians, and Nicole clarifies that Waverly is bisexual and Bunny says, “Just say horny.” Ye Olde Loblaw is still in there somewhere.

Wynonna is heartbroken and probably still drunk so she goes to the Glory Hole to try to get Amon to sleep with her but the normal way this time. She wants someone who won’t make her feel guilty for who she is and what she has to do.

There’s a Doc:Amon::Angel:Spike metaphor in here somewhere.

Back on the Clanton Ranch, Cleo takes Doc’s advice and takes her destiny by the horns. She knows Mam would have wanted to become a reaper but decides to feed her to the reapers instead. And then Basement Billy comes home and she’s delighted to not be alone anymore. “Time to take back what’s ours.”

“What does one wear that’s apropos for a party that’s also a crime?”

This episode was so fun and smart and it took care to not make mistakes that other shows could/would have. They might sound like small things, but when I first realized what was happening I braced myself out of habit before remembering that Wynonna Earp likes to rip my heart out and stomp on it but it doesn’t like to insult me and make me feel icky. For example, another show would have taken this opportunity to have Nicole be all googly eyed over Doc Holliday, to try to get the “lol look a lesbian loves a man!” laugh, not realizing how hurtful that could be. And most other shows either wouldn’t have even considered or would have tiptoed around the issue of consent, but this show talked about it plainly. It’s seemingly small moments like these that are so impactful in how not harmful they are, and while people who don’t analyze TV for a living might not even noticed how rare and special those moments were (Which is also great! How seamlessly they were worked in!) I noticed, and I am grateful.

Next week, Happy Earpin’ Halloween!

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