Can I ask them why I wasn’t invited?

Q

Is there a good or clean way to ask friends why you weren’t invited to their wedding lol? Two friends I’ve been close to for over a decade are getting married this spring and I have gradually realized that I am the only one in our group of friends who was not invited. We never had a falling out or anything. I haven’t been as close with them recently because they moved, but other friends who still live where I live were invited. I just feel sad because I want to celebrate their love alongside our friends.

A

Summer: Huh. Yeah, that is odd. There wasn’t an obvious falling out or gradual disconnect? Known them for over a decade? But still no invite? And it’s not a distance issue?

This is something you can take up. I wouldn’t start with the couple themselves, but by asking other people they’ve invited (who you’re close to) about this. Ask them why you haven’t received an invitation yet (address error maybe) and see if anything else comes out. See if any insights come out. If you have someone you really trust and is willing to hatch a scheme with you, they could ask about bringing you somehow to the couple to gauge a reaction. Yes, this all sounds like skullduggery, but the very idea of asking a couple why I didn’t get a wedding invite terrifies me and I totally get why you asked us.

But uh, ask the friends of theirs first and then work your way inwards on the social circle. It might give you some insights.

Valerie: I’ve had a few couple friends of mine get married recently, plus my brother is in the process of planning his wedding now, and one thing I’ve learned is that some people have extremely arbitrary rules for who they do or do not invite to their wedding. Sometimes it’s something like “if they haven’t wished us both happy birthday separately in the past year” or “if we’ve hung out with them in person recently” etc. Sometimes there are tiers! They send out invites to Tier One, and if they get x many “no” RSVPs, they send out invites to Tier Two. And since it sounds like you haven’t been super close lately, maybe you’re in a different tier. Maybe the other friends in your friend group text them a lot more often than you, for example, and you just didn’t realize it. The truth is, as Kayla said in another answer, weddings are expensive, and I’m sure they struggled to cut down the list, and it’s most likely not about them harboring a secret grudge against you. That said, if you’re worried something more is going on, I like Summer’s plan of asking other friends if they think something is wrong vs asking the couple directly.

Ashni: I’m so sorry that you’re in this position! One of my friends recently got married, and accidentally left one of the friends in the friend group out of the group chat where she asked for everyone’s address so she could send her save the dates. My friend texted her which, honestly, I was kind of impressed by, and she responded immediately and apologetically (my friend was, in fact, invited to the wedding). Now, if you don’t want to message the engaged couple directly (extremely fair and tbh, probably the position I’d be in), you could get one of your friends to ask the couple what’s going on, like Summer recommended. It could be that they forgot, or, since you mentioned you haven’t been as close to them recently, that they’re trying to keep the wedding guest count a bit lower because of venue limitations or cost reasons and are only inviting people they’re still pretty close to. I get that it stings, though, and I’m sorry.

Blindsided by a friend breakup.

Q

My most important friendship over the past few years has been long-distance. We live pretty far apart, and our schedules are really different, so we’ve mostly communicated by text for the past four-and-a-half years. We talked about everything – our families, Internet memes, research, spicy political takes, you name it. We sent paragraphs to each other every day for years. This person was a really stabilizing force in my life.

And sometimes there would be a month or two where I was texting into the void and she wouldn’t be able to respond for a few weeks – a pretty normal lull in our communication, honestly, because sometimes she’d have a lot going on. It would make me anxious, but one of the reasons I was OK with it was because I trusted that if she ever, ever had a problem with anything I’d said, she’d let me know. She’s honest about stuff like that.

Anyway – we haven’t communicated much for the past 4 months. Something had happened to her IRL and she needed space to process. So I gave her space and didn’t bother her. But a few days ago she texted that she wished me the best but felt that it was time for us to stop being friends.

And this fucking blindsided me. She was the first person I told things to for YEARS. We’ve been there for each other for so many periods of loneliness and frustration and accomplishments.

And I didn’t know losing our friendship was on the table! It’s not like we even had an argument or some big miscommunication. She just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and I don’t get any say in it. And I don’t know what I did, or how we got here. I can’t even get a chance to fix it. All I can do is respect her boundary. I basically told her ‘OK – I wish you all the best’ and have been crying for several days now.

I’m pretty devastated. I’m not going to lash out at her because I don’t want her to think less of me than she already does, I guess, but I feel lost. And I don’t want to tell my other friends (who don’t know her) about this because I don’t want to make it seem like she’s cruel, or this one decision is the sum total of our relationship. But she really hurt me. And I miss her. And I don’t know how to move forward.

A

Valerie: If she said she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, vs asking for a complete communication blackout, I think it’s fair to ask her for an explanation. I think you could message her and say something like, “I’m trying to respect your request to end our friendship but I would really love some insight into why; if it was something I did or didn’t do, for example.” It’s very possible that whatever she went through IRL made it so she is pushing people away, and you being long distance made that easy for her. It’s possible you did something she was offended by that you didn’t realize, but I do think it’s fair to ask her. You can come at the question with curiosity vs defensiveness, just saying something along the lines of “I really valued our friendship and I want to support you and your needs because I care about you, but I don’t know why you’re choosing to end our friendship and would really love to understand.” If she doesn’t answer, then unfortunately you have to leave it; sometimes friends just drift away for reasons out of our control. I’ve had friend breakups that hit me out of nowhere too, and it sucks, but sometimes there’s nothing you can do; all you can do is try, and ultimately, like you said, respect their boundaries. I do highly recommend telling your other friends; it sounds like this is really hurting you, and one way to get through it (especially if the long-distance friend doesn’t respond and/or isn’t willing or able to give you answers to why she’s ending the friendship) is to process it. The way you told it here, it sounds surprising, but doesn’t strike me as necessarily cruel, just heartbreaking, so I’m sure your friends will understand.

Eva: Talking about this with your friends is a necessity. As Valerie says above, talking about this experience with other people who care about you will help you process and grieve. Every friendship breakup I’ve experienced had a major impact on my existing friendships and how I approached future friendships. Keeping pent up negative energy will do more harm than good. It’s also quite fair to ask your friend why she decided to end this relationship. It’s possible that she’s in a space of self-sabotage after this traumatic experience of hers. I have gone through similar circumstances that led to self-isolation and unfortunately impacted relationships with those who care about me. One of my best friends and I had a falling out a few years ago because I was going through more than I could handle and didn’t know how to properly communicate with her. Luckily we found a way back to each other and talk nearly everyday, but there was a time where I never saw that as a possibility. Sending you all the good vibes that this is just the end of one chapter in your friendship and not the end of the book.

Summer: The loss of a long-term friendship isn’t always treated with the same gravity as a relationship, but it can be just as devastating. I can’t fathom why your best friend would do something like that so unexpectedly and while I don’t think she was intentionally cruel, I do think she missed the mark in how she handled it and could have done so more gently. No matter the approach, it happened and you have grieving to do.

I would treat this similarly to the loss of any long-distance relationship. Namely by giving yourself time to grieve and gradually figuring out a path forward. How would you direct your anger? Into art? Exercise? Escapism? Let yourself reflect on the good and bad qualities of the whole friendship with the hope of seeing her as a complete, yet flawed person. Figure out what kind of space she left empty in your life and what you can do to fill it. That sort of thing. If therapy is an option, I’d make this a point of discussion there as well. The loss of such important support means you’re in deep need of good personal structures in your life. Trustworthy friends, family, and therapists are an ideal place to lean in search of safety. Above all, you deserve to feel and do anything you need to return stability to your life. It won’t be an easy road, but I trust in your ability to walk it.

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