What I Think I’m Going To Do When My Girlfriend Is Gone for a Month vs. What I Actually Do

What I Think I’m Going To Do When
My Girlfriend Is Gone for a Month

  1. Catch up on the shows I watch without her that I’m behind on
  2. Get dressed up to take myself on romantic solo dates to my favorite places
  3. Go on long walks around the neighborhood
  4. Finally organize the nonfiction section of our bookcases, which for some reason is the only section not yet alphabetized
  5. Get really into fancy ingredient lattes
  6. Go to bed early
  7. Write and send her letters
  8. Meditate
  9. Go to the beach by myself and not do anything weird while there
  10. Certainly not fundamentally change any of the decor in our home that would be absurd
  11. Work efficiently and with great focus on my languishing novel draft
  12. Play with the dog
  13. Order Domino’s
  14. Organize my makeup
  15. Call my friends
  16. Get my Yellowjackets recap done early and then have a kiddie pool day in the backyard
  17. Write things for Autostraddle that aren’t about my relationship/personal life for once

What I Actually Do When
My Girlfriend Is Gone for a Month

  1. Rewatch all of The Hunger Games movies for some reason
  2. Spend a lot of time and money on making a high concept Yellowjackets-themed parody TikTok video
  3. Walk to the neighborhood bar to play darts for three hours by myself
  4. Impulse buy five new books that we absolutely in no way have shelf space for
  5. Chug cold brew until I can see through space and time
  6. GET in bed early but then stay up watching superhero movies on my laptop
  7. Send her nudes
  8. Blast Bad Bunny while chugging cold brew
  9. Go to the beach by myself and collect 10+ lbs of seashells
  10. Fill the lamps on our bedside tables with seashells
  11. Do overly meticulous research for my lesbian haunted house horror screenplay
  12. Talk to the dog
  13. Order Domino’s
  14. Watch makeup tutorials
  15. Send 15-minute voice memos to friends
  16. Get my Yellowjackets recap done early and then add 1800 more words just for fun
  17. Write this list
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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1057 articles for us.

29 Comments

  1. KAYLA STOP. My partner hasn’t gone on an overnight trip without me in ages, and I’ve been dreaming of all the things I’ll do when I’m home alone, and it is honestly painful how accurate this is about what will actually happen when he leaves.

    • LOLLL it has only been four days but so far most of the right column has come tru

  2. So relatable! My girlfriend left for Iceland for three months yesterday and the cat and dog are the true victims here even though I have already talked to my girlfriend too :D

    • THREE MONTHS OMG best of luck to you 😭 this is def the longest we’ve done since we were long distance!

      • i haven’t ordered domino’s yet but it’s only a matter of time

        • This is precisely my rebellion when my Italian wife is away. Though I tend to add: feel annoyingly grey the whole time. Do fun stuff with friends that normally I’d do with her also.

          • Also in the most lesbian stereotype ever… My cat miaows at me and physically walks me to bed at about 10.30.

    • lollllll yes it has only been three nights for me so far and basically all of these things have already happened

  6. the ability to watch things on a screen that have an audio component in bed makes “going to bed early” whenst one is alone in said bed a very difficult task

    excited for your seashell lamps

  7. Surprised to see Domino’s on list since they contribute to anti-lgbtq and anti-choice candidates etc…

  8. The cover image chosen for this listicle is killing me 😭😭😭😂😂😂 The actual activities aren’t even that evocative of sad dog waiting for its owner!!!

  9. We love to read about your personal life and relationships tho so do your personal boundaries but not for us!

    • lololol good to know! sometimes I’m like I hope people aren’t getting bored of the personal stuff lol

  10. Now I want to go to the beach and collect seashells, but I live in the Midwest.

    Maybe I can collect cool rocks somewhere instead.

  11. I feel both seen and called out by this Kayla! My spouse is out of town for a week. It’s been like 4 days and I’ve already eaten both frozen pizzas that he bought for me. Even though I was all like, I won’t need the frozen pizza, I can cook! A

    I had all these big plans to make myself pasta with broccoli and a soft boiled egg. And work on my drawing for my online colored pencil drawing class I’m taking. And take long walks at sunset. And now I’m just feeling lucky that I’ve managed to feed myself and meet all of my obligations.

      • Right?! It just feels like so much work to cook for one. I have no idea how I managed to feed myself when I lived alone. Lol.

  12. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten an entire container of pre-made cheesecake filling while your wife is at a conference.

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